I’ve been having a lot of feelings lately about the Control ending since much of my fics are about after the Destroy ending, so have this tidbit about Joker after Jo is officially pronounced KIA
They could feel it. They could all feel it in their bones the second the reapers stopped their harvest, and just flew away as if nothing had even happened. There was cheering, crying in the streets, there was hope again and everyone knew they would wake up the next morning without fear of another attack. The Normandy tried to escape the Sol system and the relays were collapsing in on themselves, nearly tearing the frigate apart, however it just caused them to crash in a jungle on Earth. There were repairs to be made, work to be done on the planet, but that left them time to receive messages and vids from all over the galaxy all day. The war was over. But at what cost? No one knew anything yet, not for sure. They didn't want to know until she, herself, sent word or until she was found. That was everyone’s fear as they moved silently through the ship, helping where they could with the repairs, but Jeff sips from his glass in the lounge, not helping with anything because all he did was pilot Normandy. Even when it was up and running, EDI could do it without him. He takes another long pull from his glass as he stares down at his hands on the bar, his fingers making a hard fist as he tries to let his mind wander to other things, but what else could it wander to?
He was on Arcturus when they had met. He was a few years younger than Jo, but everyone knew who Jeff “Joker” Moreau was, and everyone was beginning to know who Jerrica “Jo” Shepard was. She was an up-and-coming Staff Lieutenant who was being promoted into the N7 program for her strive for survival on Akuze. She lost her entire squad there and he was scared shitless of that serious stare she would give him, until she sat next to him in the mess for lunch one day and the conversation they struck up was the one that lead to laughter and a friendship that he would never think possible in the intimidating staff lieutenant who was shortly turned into the Commander Shepard who wasn't so scary after all. She was his best friend, like an older sister to him and she was there for him through everything, especially when he needed her most in this past year. He still hasn't heard anything about his family from Tiptree. He knew he was alone in the Moreau family, but now, with Jo gone...Jeff has never felt more alone in his life.
Her remains have yet to be located, meaning there is a chance that there are no remains to be found and she is alright, Jeff. We are wrong to assume of her death without evidence.
EDI has been trying so hard to talk sense into him and they were all careful not to bring up the topic to one another, even if it was the elephant in the room when they were all together. No one wanted to believe it because they had made peace with her death once already, but Joker knew it in his heart and he knew that they did too. It was in the quiet air on Normandy. It felt wrong without her; empty. He rubs his rough face with his hand, not remembering the last time he actually slept. When he slept, the nightmares came. He saw her going down with the SR-1 all over again. He hadn’t had those nightmares since before the Collector base blew up and the first night it came back was the last time he slept...it felt like centuries ago. He takes another sip as the lounge door opens, but he doesn’t want to look up. He felt like it was EDI, she kept checking on him with her physical form and when he sent her away for the second time, she checked on him through the comms. When he snapped at her a half hour ago, it was the last time she bugged him and he was ready to apologize, but the words shrivel up in his dry mouth when he turns around to find Kaidan in the doorway. “EDI and Traynor got the vidcomm system back up and got through to Hackett. He asked them to gather the crew into the comm room,’ he balls his hands into fists as they stare at one another, the deep circles under Kaidan’s eyes match Joker’s and it scares him as he pushes himself off the stool, stumbling a bit. Kaidan walks to him, but is shooed away as Jeff rights himself, walking out of the lounge and to the elevator with the shell of a man beside him. With Kaidan beside him, he could feel that fear come out. He knew he was getting as much sleep as Jeff was and that scared him even more. He didn’t even want to begin to know how Kaidan felt. It was the infamous secret kept safe with only the crew of the Normandy and it made his heart fall to his feet as he looked away from Kaidan’s emotionless face as he stared forward.
Everyone knew after Virmire what was going on between Shepard and her Lieutenant, and it became everyone’s game to poke fun at them. Watching Kaidan burn a deep red while she laughed was what kept them going all the way to the first battle on the Citadel, and it was the most well-kept secret after the first Normandy went down. Joker was the one who had to tell everyone that he had just watched their friend get spaced and watching Kaidan collapse under the weight of his own grief always haunted Jeff, and he was there for her after they had gotten into the altercation on Horizon. He held her that night and made sure she was okay, all the way up until the Collector base was destroyed and she had turned herself into the Alliance because she knew what was right. She had tried to contact him so many times in the months that she was under house arrest and he finally made his way over to her, begging James to let him see her until he eventually gave up and let Joker in. They got drunk that night and all she could talk about was Kaidan and how much she missed him. After Earth was attacked and they were on Normandy together again, he knew they would be alright. He could see it in their faces during breakfast and after they returned from missions together, everyone just knew and the torment returned. Jo was Jo again and Kaidan was Kaidan again, they completed one another, any one of their friends could vouch for that. And Jeff could feel in his bones that Kaidan knew exactly what Hackett was calling to tell all of them. Of course he didn’t want it to be true, and to see Kaidan lose her again, to watch his friends crumble to pieces once more and then crumble himself....
The elevator opens to a dead-silent CIC as Kaidan just marches towards the warroom. Campbell and Westmoreland are nowhere to be found, so the sensors are off as they make their way into the commroom, filled with their friends as the hologram of Hackett stands stern and ready before them. Jeff stands next to Liara, who holds her hands in front of her, but he can see them shaking as he rubs her back and she turns to him as she feels his hand touch her. He looks up from her hands to meet her gaze, her frightened expression causing his nostrils to flare as he tries to give her a reassuring look, but he just looks back up at Hackett. He can’t stay here for long after the news. He can’t watch this all over again. He stands up a bit straighter as Kaidan stands next to Garrus, saluting the Admiral as they all follow suit and Hackett just nods, shifting to stand with his hands behind his back. “At ease, everyone. Members of the Normandy crew, it’s good to see all of you in one piece, my crew has been trying to reach you for days now. Glad to see the comm’s back up and running once more. The war has officially ended, the reapers have ended their assault on the Milky Way and the Alliance is in disarray. We have lost contact with many groups all over Earth and we are attempting to reestablish connections throughout the galaxy to get a feel of what sort of relief efforts we will be dealing with and how to deal with them,” the shaky breathing throughout the room makes Jeff’s hands go numb as he balls them into fists to steady their shaking as he watches Hackett stroke his face and return his hands to behind his back once more. “We have, however, combed through the remains of the Citadel. Much of it is a smoking crater, we couldn’t make out a lot of the areas that we combed through, but the tower was where we picked through thoroughly. We located the remains of Admiral Anderson and I am sorry to report that he is officially a casualty as a result of this war. We have been completely unsuccessful in locating the commander. We have searched for seventy-five hours straight, switching much of the crew looking to allow the others rest and fresh pairs of eyes on the remains that were found, which were a lot. We did, however, locate her dog tags next to Anderson’s and I am sad to report that we have officially named Commander Jerrica Shepard KIA, killed-in-action. I am deeply sorry, for all of you, for your loss. We are headed to your location now to deliver the dog tags, along with her helmet that we located in London and to assist with any repairs we can to get you all back home. My thoughts are with you, Normandy.” His hologram disappears as they all stand there, no one moving a muscle as Jeff begins to feel a white-hot pain in his chest and his lip quivers as he closes his eyes.
He knew it was coming, he didn’t want to believe it was coming...Jo, their Jo, their best friend….He starts to hear the collective sniffles that aren’t sniffles anymore as he hears audible crying and sobs as he feels the tears roll down his cheeks. He covers his face with his hand as his legs grow shaky from standing, but he stands up a bit straighter when the familiar metal hand touches his forearm and he allows her to hug him as he holds her tightly to him, the feeling coming up through his chest and bubbles out of his throat as he sobs into her metal shoulder. There was no one in the world that understood Jeff and his humor like Jo, and there was no one who could dust a friend off and comfort them like Jo could. No one cared like she did. No one was as good a friend as she was and now they are all left with that hole in their hearts once more...but this time, it was permanent. It was the fear that they had all pushed aside for days now and a fear that no one wanted to talk about. Their collective worst fear is now brought to life. He didn’t know what to do without her, none of them did. They were all barely holding together for the two years that she was gone, God knows Jeff didn’t keep his shit straight. He was drunk for half of it, and the other half was him waking up to a cold sweat covering him after another nightmare about her. He was bothered every day that he lived on the Alliance base because everyone was too afraid to leave him alone, in fear that he would stumble the wrong way down a flight of steps and some days, he wish he had. He was responsible for her being spaced all those years ago, and then he got his best friend back thanks to Cerberus...only for the reapers to take her from them once more. Kaidan flashes through his mind as he leans out of EDI’s grasp, opening his eyes and turning to find him leaning over the counter in front of the vidcomm, staring at the floor as Jeff walks by Tali and Garrus’ embrace, both of them watching him as he touches Kaidan’s back. His shaking vibrates through Jeff’s hand as he watches him close his eyes, nostrils flaring widely as his face contorts and he knows what’s to come as Jeff wipes a hand under his own nose. He takes in a deep breath as Kaidan’s knuckles go white from his iron grip on the tech in front of him, his head leaning onto the screens as Jeff’s shoulders sag.
“Kaidan,” is all Joker gets out as he feels the shaking grow worse and the sobs becoming audible and Jeff closes his eyes as he feels tears well-up behind his lids once more. She touched so many lives, she’s saved so many and she can add every future life to that too because she’s the goddamn hero of the galaxy, and the people in that room were lucky enough to call her more than a friend. She was their family, she kept them all together. She would’ve made such a great mom, a great wife to Kaidan, and to watch him turn into this killed everyone the first time...but he wasn’t as bad as this. They were serious back then, but Jeff knew what they had talked about, they all did. They drunkenly made living arrangements in front of their friends and while sober, they had shown their love in person because it was war and time was too short to hide the love they had for one another...who knew time was far shorter than any of them realized? The silence amongst the group almost returns, but the only sound they all hear this time is Kaidan’s heart shattering before them.
It was never a secret to them how he felt about her, but goddammit, Jeff wish it was now. He couldn’t do this...but he had to. For her. She would want him to take care of Kaidan, to be strong for everyone, to not let them drift like they had before. He wipes his face again, Liara touching Kaidan’s other shoulder as she leans on him, pulling at him with Jeff to get him to stand as they feel his legs buckle beneath him. He nearly takes down the two of them, but they don’t let him sink to the floor. Loss is the hardest thing they have all had to deal with during this war and losing her for good this time is the hardest thing they will all have to deal with, especially since this isn’t all of their friends. Someone will have to inform Wrex and Grunt as they try to rebuild Tuchanka, not to mention Miranda, Jacob, Jack, Samara, god only knows who else has made it through this hell and is going to have to mourn the loss of the one who brought them all together in the first place. No one will know for sure what to do after this, what to do with Normandy. She would want them to help with relief efforts, to help as many people as they can to rebuild what was lost during this awful war. She’d want them to move on….Jeff closes his eyes once more as the tears flow and he feels a large hand grip his shoulder as he opens his eyes to find Garrus’, the sadness in his stern face hurting his heart even more as he looks back to Kaidan. They did this once before, they know they can do it again...could they do it again? Jeff felt it in his heart that he couldn’t, he can’t even stand to watch Kaidan become this and then there was Liara sobbing uncontrollably, Tali sniffling through the suit, Garrus’ stern expression to hide the hurt, Steve crying in the corner, James not making a peep to try and hide the crying, Ken and Gab holding one another while they cry together, Samantha covering her mouth to hold the sobs in, Greg silently crying as he tries to console Karin, but Karin can’t be consoled….Goddammit, EDI is a machine, an artificial intelligence who is programmed to feel is feeling the loss of their friend deeply as she stands there with a sad expression on her metallic face as she stands behind Jeff. Even Javik who hasn’t even know her for more than a few months stands in the corner with his hands held in front of him as he holds his head in silent respect for her. The prothean who, just a month ago, coldy fought with Liara over her mourning the loss of her planet, is silently mourning the death of Shepard. She deeply touched all of them...she has to hold them together. She will continue to hold them together. Jeff looks up at Garrus again, the hand on his shoulder gripping his tighter as they look at each other, his lip quivering again as he knows it’s over. It’s not just end of an era, it’s the end of the good days of having her back. He won’t hear her laugh anymore, she won’t come and ask EDI her humanity questions, she won’t get stupid drunk and sing loudly, they won’t get to make fun of her dancing anymore. He feels that awful feeling in his chest again and his shoulders slump as he looks next to him to Kaidan, more tears streaming down his face as he shakes his head. He can’t fall apart, not in front of everyone like this. Someone has to be strong for all of them...Jeff didn’t really know if he could do it, but he has to try. He pulls his shoulder out of Garrus’ grasp and slings his arms around Kaidan, hugging him as he closes his eyes, hearing him sniffle in his ear. Jeff hugs him harder and the sniffling turns into sobbing as Kaidan hugs him back, burying his face into Jeff’s shoulder as he mourns the loss of his love and there isn’t much else Jeff can do. There won’t be much anyone can do after this point except try to console his crying. Losing her is the hardest thing any of them has to go through years ago, but now...now it’s final.
They have each other and that’s what matters. The missing faces will forever haunt them and for some, it will be at the bottom of a glass, but no one knows what will happen next. Jeff knows he’s going to stay with the Alliance to help where he can with survivors and has no choice but to be strong for all of them because someone has to be. Kaidan is far gone by now and it’s understandable. That’s what war does to people though; cold, hard war and it’s nothing without loss and sacrifice. Jo saw so much of that in her life. She gave hers protecting this galaxy from a threat that they all knew was coming, but no one wanted to listen. She fought for years with the heads of the Milky Way to find a resolution for this and instead, it built a resistance for when they came tearing through the atmospheres of every single planet. She knew what she had to do and dammit, she got it done. She pulled together every race in the galaxy, millions of people to help defeat this threat. She defeated Saren and Sovereign, she was killed by the Collectors only to come back from the dead to defeat them and Harbinger, she brought together the turians and the krogan, the quarians and the geth, she cured the genophage, she found the last prothean hidden away on Eden Prime, she fought to find Leviathan and succeeded, she took down Cerberus, and she took down the goddamn reapers. There isn’t a single person in this galaxy as accomplished as her and there never will be. She gave her life knowing that she did all of those things to help people and she will forever be remembered as the woman who saved the Milky Way. She will always be a piece of their family and they’re not going to drift like they had once before, Jeff will make sure of that. They can pull through this together because they're a family. No one can take that from them. Not ever.
