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holding onto the remains of my innocence.

#john egbert #homestuck #john posts #look. man. like. its so dirty to draw john in blue clothes. not his favorite color. haha.#it's funny even for me. it's so emo man.#> Replaced by breath blue forced to be represented by his role in the story rather than what makes him Him. -#-dib from discord who Gets It.#just like the ghost on his shirt. he disappears. :)

I’m bored. AMA

#hatchetfield rp #hatchetblr #John posts

Many New Beginnings

I hardly feel I deserve so many. Multiple times in my life have I made some truly, awful, mistakes. In the past I always found myself trailing after Sherlock, and being fulfilled in ways I never thought would be possible again after Afghanistan. The very first time I was caught up in the shadow that was Sherlock, I ended up following after him - after he continuously abandoned me! I might add - only to save his arse.

So, for a long time, our relationship was as follows; He might give me a vague hint on where he would dash off to next, I'd scurry to catch up, only to find if he would have waited for me or communicate with me, the situation would have went far smoother!

I'm not sure when it started changing, or originally. If I had to pin point, it might have been around the time we first got up close and personal with a Mr. Jim Moriarty.

Sherlock must have realized, the value in communication. Something that, on surface level we managed well. On a deeper level, you've all seen us struggle with ourselves emotionally. We only grew closer, until-

The fall, everyone loves to dub it.

I had fallen into such devastation by this betrayal of trust and communication, the only thing I felt I could once trust in Sherlock, I simply forgot that this man was suffering the same as I was. That he was completely alone for those two years as well.

Only, I wasn't truly alone. I met Mary, and I would not be here today without her. I know that. So would it be a crime when I say to keep it polite about her? I loved her and she was my life. Just as much as Sherlock is my life.

Sherlock forced me to accept his apology that day in the train, but it was as genuine as I can be. This anger's always been so hard to ignore, it would come out at Mary, and it's only grown over time. Sherlock would always try to communicate, he always spoke to me. Even if it was something so unbelievable, I trusted him. For awhile, he understood. He couldn't run off without me.

This was years ago still. I know it all started declining after... Well, Culverton Smith. I wonder if I properly wrote up that case, there was so much we would love to have forgotten. Sherlock and I.

I almost lost him, and not only by the hand of Mr. Smith.

Our relationship since, has been rocky at best. I never gave up, and in his own ways neither did he. Somewhere, we fell back into this dynamic. He runs off without me, and I let him. Neither of us would have been able to tell you who started it, but relationships are 50/50, you know.

When I finally had, so hesitatingly, just gotten this relationship? I wasn't prepared, but I'd have been out of my mind to not accept what we'd always worked on wanting.

Only to see him run off with Mr. Jim Moriarty, the man who single handedly started our path of love and destruction. The fall is a sore subject, a raw wound barely treated. I was so overwhelmed with - I wasn't there to protect him! - danger, betrayal, mistrust, lack of communication, all over again!

I said and did things that are unacceptable, and I'll be remorseful for them for as long as I live. This anger, I can't guarantee I'll get rid of it completely, and I've found I was in need of professional help in this regard. It may still come out, but I am working on this. We are working on this. I am working on making sure this will not be a repeated event; but this includes working on the communication between Sherlock and I again.

I stepped back to work on this, on myself, but now I am willing to open up and look back on this space. Where we can go forward, together, in this new time. I hope that, while it's not been a long amount of time, but two months away from this all has really helped thus far. I'm happy to be back here with you, and to grow by Sherlock's side once more.