Dreich
adjective \ ˈdrēḵ \ of weather; gloomy, damp, dark, grey, lacking light.
Disclaimer: Angst, bask into a long piece of post-146 angst made by me and my good friend, @harleyquilt. I hope you know how much I enjoyed writing this with you.
Words: 11,713 (yes, really and not kidding)
Rating: T for tears
PREVIEW:
Did he do all of this?
It did not matter what she physically felt, because even if she bore the pain from the wounds of the battle that had transpired, even if she could feel the restlessness that threatened to break her tired bones – nothing could prepare her from the heartbreak. Someone had shattered her heart completely into pieces as if it was the easiest thing to do, and it only required hearing the devastating wail of a creature her husband had become.
“Touka,” Nishiki held her arm back before she could take a step. She didn’t even turn to face him. “You should realize, that thing isn’t Ken anymore.”
I.
The stench.
This putrid stench of blood. It was overwhelming, wave after wave of rotten flesh drowned out Touka’s senses and she saw nothing but the crumbles of the city she once she knew well. It was replaced with the endless, unrecognizable corpses of people - be it men, women and children. She felt the bile crawl up her throat at the sight of rotting corpses and tried to steadily take heavy steps towards the loud commotion in the distance.
Did he do all of this?
It did not matter what she physically felt, because even if she bore the pain from the wounds of the battle that had transpired, even if she could feel the restlessness that threatened to break her tired bones – nothing could prepare her from the heartbreak. Someone had shattered her heart completely into pieces as if it was the easiest thing to do, and it only required hearing the devastating wail of a creature her husband had become.
“Touka,” Nishiki held her arm back before she could take a step. She didn’t even turn to face him. “You should realize, that thing isn’t Ken anymore.”
The sound of his voice was desolate, as if he himself did not want to believe in what he was seeing. But his words passed through her meaninglessly. Of course, she already knew that. Still, hearing the words brought a pang of sadness in her heart - as if molten lava sauntered into her stomach and settled there.
Thing.
What was once her beloved husband was now a beast that rampaged the city that was at one point, their home. She couldn’t help but feel responsible for his actions, she helped cause this, she thought. If only she had guided Ken into the right path, she could have saved him. If only she did not influence his decisions, then maybe, maybe this wouldn’t have happened to them. If only, if only he did not have her to take care of, maybe he would have been better as a leader. There were so many things running in her mind that shattered her more as she realized the brevity of the situation.
His howl was of such fierce grief that it had overpowered everything. There was nothing else left in the 24th ward now anyway, nothing but the world of ruin and chaos that the creature had brought out by its birth. When she first saw the shining scales of a huge kagune, all she could think of was the dread that she felt in her heart.
And when she first saw him, nothing could ever, ever prepare her from the anguish that dropped into her being as the blinding red haze of fury overshadowed Tokyo.
She had failed him. She had tried her best, she was sure, but it was simply out of her grasp. What was one person against a thousand of enemies that stood in front of them? She wished she could turn back time, run away and never look back, maybe she could have saved everyone, maybe she could have prevented these senseless deaths. Maybe, maybe.
She pulled her arm away from Nishiki with her jaw clenched and teeth gritted, turning to face him and the small crowd of followers behind him. He looked so tired – his hair was disheveled and scattered all around his face, his glasses were askew. And the people, oh god the people, they all looked defeated – with the undeniable sorrow and hopelessness planted on their faces. Tsukiyama’s face was unreadable as he stared at the cold ground and Banjou looked like he wanted to wake up from a nightmare. ‘What will be left of any of us once this is over?’ she wondered sadly.
In the end, she felt like everyone radiated the same thoughts over this mess – how could it have gone so wrong? Everything felt so hopeless.
Was this what awaited her after everything she had been through? Would all the efforts, all the lives that were lost today amount to nothing? It felt like a never-ending nightmare. Her heart ached, heavy and bleeding, as she thought of all the people she had left behind just to ensure the survival of people whom she wanted to protect.
It pained her to know if all of their efforts and sacrifices would go in vain. She knew in her heart that if she only realized this would be the end, then she would have fought side by side with them until the very last breath.
Touka wavered in her step and rested a hand on her stomach. Their child – would they be forced to live in a world in this world of darkness? Would this kid need to live without knowing who their father was and what he meant to her? To anyone? Would her baby even be allowed to live at this point? That single thought brought back tears that threatened to fall upon imagining such a world, a fear that continued to consume her and made her stomach churn with the bitterness and resentment towards the world.
They haven’t even chosen a name yet.
“Touka-chan,” Ken huffed as he took his hand away from her stomach. “Is there something wrong with the names that I suggested?”
She flicked his forehead and rolled over on their shared bed and felt Ken wrap his arm around her again, nuzzling his face in the crook of her neck. He was a mix of curiosity and disappointment, waiting for an answer.
“What’s wrong with my names?” Touka protested, but continued to lean into his touch. “They’re unique.”
“Well…” Ken sighed against her and felt her shiver besides him. “I guess we can talk about that later.”
They remained like that for a while, with Ken rubbing small circles against Touka’s stomach. The look on his face betrayed such warmth and tenderness that it made her feel happy. It was silly, she thought, but when you live in a world of uncertainty and death, even these little gestures were some kind of approval. His lips pressed against the crown of her head as she felt his heart thudding against her back. It was such a nice sensation, to physically feel the indication of his life. If only they could stay this way for as long as they could, she would not want to let go. But she knew that soon enough, he would have to leave again. And she, once left alone, would be left cold in the suddenly large and empty bed. She would wait for his return, the fear of losing him again creeping in her heart, like a shadow she could never get rid of. Her mind would be littered with the idea of him never returning, of never knowing what would happen, the fear that anyone could burst into her room and announce his death. That thought alone could keep her awake and nauseous.
For now, she had to shake her own worrisome thoughts as she laced her fingers through Ken’s, gripping them tighter. She hoped ignorantly that he wouldn’t leave her, as long as they remained this way. That’s all she wanted at the end of day – for her husband to be by her side as they talked about a life they both wanted to live for.
And yet,
“Kaneki.” She turned her head slightly to face him. “Do you really believe we can achieve a future for us?” Her hand then rested on top of his, silently asking for an answer to ease her worries. “For this child?” Her uncertainty leaked through her voice as her eyes looked at his, begging for hope. She wished he would have answers, wished that she would be given reassurance to qualm her fears.
There was a pause and Ken’s hand seemed to have stopped moving, his eyes thoughtful. He then leaned up and looked down to Touka’s worried expression with a bright, gentle smile, his hand moving to brush back her hair as he kissed her forehead.
“Yes.” He said confidently, moving his lips down and kissing the tip of her nose. “I mean, I know it seems stupid to hope for as much considering the circumstances and such, but as long as we keep fighting, there’s hope that we will achieve the future we desire. It’ll just take some time.”
He then moved lower and pressed his lips against hers, pulling back to watch Touka break into a smile, her hand caressing his cheek. There was a sense of relief that flooded through her when she heard him speak those words, to hear his unwavering voice and watch his eyes remain on hers. She knew it was merely wishful thinking, but she clung onto them, as if they were her hope in itself. Because she believed him, she always did.
But they weren’t the truth.
Why couldn’t it have stayed like that?
All that hope seemed to have shattered almost instantly – their dreams, their aspirations. They all smashed into meaningless shards of broken promises and forgotten words. She almost felt stupid for thinking that such things would be possible to achieve on this cruel world they stood on. If this was their fate, then she would never again be able to feel herself in his arms, to hear his sweet nothings whispered in her ear at night, to watch him light up at the mere mention of the child. She would lose all of that, and it scared her.
Touka forced herself away from her thoughts as she faced the cold reality of the situation. She tenderly caressed her stomach, in a silent promise that she would fight, that she would continue fighting – even if it was hopeless. Because she still wanted to believe that there was a future waiting for them. And as she raised her head to face Nishiki, she gave him a look of determination that couldn’t be squelched. She refused to accept any of this, to accept that Ken was gone and out of reach. If he had drifted too far, she would force him back down, regardless of how the others would protest. Because somewhere inside this monster lied the kind and gentle man she had always loved. Besides, they promised a better future, didn’t they?
“It’s still him.” Touka said stubbornly, turning her gaze back to the commotion occurring deeper into the city. The screams made her wince and it was now that she felt how heavy her clothes were, still damp with blood. “It’s still –”
“You don’t need to go.” Yomo appeared besides her, his hand settling on her shoulder, in a silent but reassuring gesture. He was wounded and was barely able to stand, yet he found his way to her. His voice was raspy and strained, almost as if he was pleading her to not move forward.
“If I don’t,” Touka said quietly, “then nothing will change. I have to at least try.”
With that said, she started to head onwards, Yomo’s hand falling back down to his side as he watched Touka walk on without any hesitation or doubt. However, it wasn’t long before he followed on behind, along with Nishiki, Tsukiyama and eventually, everyone else.
She would save him, she would bring him back.
II.
His pudgy little hands held an old book, marveling at its touch. He inhaled the musty scent, his thoughts pervaded by the mixture of wood and the earth. For one so old, the black shiny leather looked well-kept and was surprisingly smooth, as if it had been loved dearly. As soon as he opened the page, the familiar feel of the paper sent warmth to his heart, drowning everything but the gift his father had left him.
His smile grew at the thought that he finally finished reading it, his happiness palpable as he hugged the object close to his heart. He couldn’t wait for his mom to get back from work, then he would like to show her his latest accomplishment!
He thought of what he should tell her. Maybe he should start by showing him his test results, she would like that, wouldn’t she? He got a perfect grade again in Mathematics and History, and the teacher had praised him for being such a bright kid. She would be happy with that this time, right?
He’ll make her smile this time, right?
As if on cue, the door creaked open as light streamed from outside his room. He sensed familiar footsteps going in, as well as a thud from shoes being removed. Ken was hesitant to go out, holding on firmly to the book as he hid inside the room. His mind was racing with the thoughts of what he wanted to say that would make his mother smile and look at him, but at the same time, he was anxious that she would just once again ignore him.
Slowly, tentatively, as his mother walked towards the kitchen, his feet followed her. He wanted to make his presence known, but not to the point that he would anger her – she probably knew he was peeking at her anyway, as she sent the groceries into the fridge. When she turned to face him, he instinctively took a step backward, hands trembling at the thought that she did not want him here.
His mother continued eyeing him suspiciously, unaware of the fact that it was scaring the boy. With a deep sigh, she pulled out a small carton in the fridge and threw it at his way. “Here,” she muttered.
Ken barely caught it, the feel of the cold packet of milk landing on his tiny palm. “Thank you, mom.”
Silence. It was deafening, and it terrified him.
“M-mom?” He hated it when he stuttered, yet he gave her a nervous smile. His mother stayed silent, her eyes looking at him judgingly. Ken didn’t know how to read her face, hands still shaking as he gathered strength from his father’s beloved treasure. “I – I did well in school today,” he stated, trying to spark a conversation as he set his eyes on the cold stone marble. He tried to remember what his teacher told him, an anxious chuckle escaping from his lips. “I got a perfect score in Math and History.”
Before he could even continue, his eyes went wide as her shadow grew near. He could already feel the tears streaming down his trembling face.
‘Where am I?’ he thought, exhausted. He felt like he was floating, his memories seemingly fleeting into his consciousness as he tried to figure out what was happening. He remembered his mother beating him for trying to spark a conversation, of the sadness he had felt when he escaped back into a corner of his room – crying his heart out, hugging himself close. He could still feel the pain as he remembered the heated beatings that pulsated against his skin and his mother’s cruel words that echoed in his hazed mind. But a gentle voice suddenly called out to him and he woke up, confused.
Ken’s cognizance felt like it was tainted as a dull, steel gray. It was almost as if a low-hanging, polluted mist permeated inside it, the tendrils of the said poison snaking to every facet of his mind. He opened his eyes through the darkness that embraced him, heart pounding. He could feel the sweat in his brow, as well as the ringing in his ears.
‘Huh?’ At first, all he could see was darkness. He felt like his senses had been diluted, as if a mist covered his eyes. He couldn’t make out where he was, he felt like he was trapped somewhere – in between being held onto something he couldn’t quite comprehend and being suspended in air.
Soon enough, the fog started clearing. His mouth prickled with the metallic taste of blood and his nose inhaled the smell of rotting flesh in the humid air. He felt a low rumbling from where he was, yet his lungs constricted as panic started to set in. Bile rose from his throat as his vision took him into a view of a city. And whatever he was in, it was moving quite fast as it went from building to building.
He felt it clashing through stone walls and broke through windows as they shattered into nothing more than small shards. He felt its every movement against his very skin. Yet, wherever he was, he couldn’t do so much as move inside it or control a muscle as he laid like an onlooker to the destruction it caused.
He tried to remember where he was before he got here. And then, as if the merciless grief had taken his soul, he felt his heart cry and a deafening roar permeated from the creature and filled the place with a tremor so strong it could be mistaken for an earthquake.
He remembered losing – the feeling of helplessness flooding his senses as Furuta taunted him of how weak and insignificant he was. He remembered the grief he felt as he saw the heads of two boys he cared for, and the feeling of despair that threatened to overtake him when Furuta whispered that his wife was in danger. The last thing he remembered was feasting on the revolting flesh of the Oggai, and then he blacked out.
His wife.
‘Where is she?’ he wondered in his daze-like state, looking around. He couldn’t shake the feeling of dread arising from his stomach at the thought of him hurting her. He recalled his desperation, his fear, as he tried to find her. He chastised himself for being useless and weak once again, of failing the people he loved once more.
Was it his fate to see them die? His head hurt from trying to make sense of what was happening, but he now knew. His suspicions, his worst fears, they came back to haunt him as he came with the shocking realization.
Oh god, oh god, oh god. This creature, this monster – it was him
III.
A deafening roar reverberated through the skies as he tried to let go all of his emotions, in an attempt to gain control once more. His heart cried as the truth reared its ugly head to him, slapping him awake. It felt like a knee to his gut, or waking up to the sound of his bones breaking – as he realized what he had become.
It disgusted him to see himself like this – conscious but helpless, like a child who was forced to watch a brutal scene out of a movie. He bellowed and flailed, but it was to no avail. The creature’s response was that of a thundering growl, a menacing figure sent by the heavens to finally destroy everything.
Was this the end then, for him?
It felt so sickening to know that this was where everything would lead. That in the end, he was just a hopeless puppet to a world of blood and death. Was this the future he wanted to bring? He knew he had no choice, knew that it was his fault how he became like this, as he accepted the only way he could at least salvage what remained of the people he wanted to protect. He knew that if he didn’t do it, his loved ones would be killed either way.
From the moment he realized what he wanted to do, he had acknowledged the fact that it would forever change him and his life. Still, it didn’t dampen the wish he held in his heart – deep inside, he just hoped for them to be able to live in peace, to be able to smile again and laugh without having to think of death or how they needed to fight to live another day.
He had failed them.
Should he succumb to his fate? To accept that he would never see Touka once again? But that’s why he did this, right? Because he wanted to see her again, to at least have a small glimmer of hope upon knowing she was safe. Yet he could feel death looming in the corner, as if embracing him so that he wouldn’t escape.
He laid there, prone and immobile, as the creature moved to destroy everything that was threatening to hurt it. Funny enough, he couldn’t even feel any of their missiles or bombs, not even a tickle. He observed how his kakuja would move from structure to structure, as if in a loss of where to go, or maybe because it was moving on instinct alone.
A gun fired his way again, but unlike all others, for the first time he felt the cold, unrelenting sensation of the metal against his body as it pierced him. He couldn’t help but yelp at the contact, sending the monster into a frenzy of yowls as he tried to located the source of his pain.
It was in this blurred turmoil that from the corner of his eyes, he saw them. His heart stopped.
He could see Hinami’s form looking at the ground, her hands balled into fists. There was even Tsukiyama, Banjou and Nishiki, who looked crestfallen – all of them seemed like they couldn’t even bear looking at the scene. Guns continued to bombard him, causing his body to scream at the contact. Whatever they were using now, they were built to destroy him, kill him. The pain blurred his vision, numbing his senses that he almost lost them.
Was he to die here then? Would he be denied of the chance to see her, if he were to die from this?
A woman’s distressed scream brought him back as he recognized the voice. He would recognize it anywhere, so he willed himself to searched for the source. Ayato was holding Touka back as she shouted and flailed. She was crying, from the way her eyes looked bloodshot along with the expression of horror on her face. It broke his heart to see her like this, and yet he could do nothing. How he wished he could even hold her and tell her that it would be alright, to erase the sadness in her eyes.
But he brought this, and he had no choice but to pay for it.
The kakuja continued to destroy everything in its path because of its endless rage, snapping him back into the realization that he held no control of its actions. It had massacred everything that caused its trouble, moving as fast as it could to eliminate them. Ken knew he had to stop it, knew that it was up to him to help them.
With a sigh, he laughed bitterly at how naïve he was. He had accepted his fate, all he could do now was protect them.
Even if in the end, he would have to protect them from himself.
IV.
It was hopeless, desperate.
Touka watched in horror as the bombs fell onto Ken’s form – the loud, thunderous blasts deafening whilst they continued to barrage Ken with endless attacks. His monstrous kakuja cried out in agony, writhing in pain before he fell with a heavy thud besides Touka, a gust of wind from his fall pushing her back as she struggled to stay in place.
She knew she should run as the humans continued their merciless attacks, but she trudged onwards stubbornly. She had to reach him, whatever happens – she had to save him. She wouldn’t allow him to fall here. Her arm reached out desperately with a silent cry for her husband. However, with another wave of attacks, Touka was blown back, skidding across the hard ground as her mind blurred and her ears rang loudly.
It was hopeless.
She could feel her beating heart thundering in her ears. Shaking, she pushed herself up and narrowed her eyes to try and clear her vision. Ken’s many eyes were set on Touka – she could feel the desperation written in the action, as well as the determination to stand and move just to reach her. With a loud, aching groan, he dragged his wounded and broken form towards her, as every small movement managed to shatter her heart some more – with his desperation, with his will. It was hard to make out, but Touka was certain that between his garbled cries, he was calling out her name.
He was always reaching out for her, always trying to protect her no matter what the circumstances brought. Somehow, it always seemed that she was the reason for his pain, for his continuous suffering that wore him down with each passing day. Ken wanted nothing more than to stay by her side with the reassurance that she was safe and sound. But in the end, she was just another burden in the life tragically altered by people’s selfish wishes. Even now, even if he could run with the little strength he had left, he still continued to move towards her. It was painful to watch; her heart couldn’t stand it anymore. Has she even helped him at all?
Touka pushed herself onto her feet and started to stumble towards Ken, her heart screaming out for him as she neared him. She felt weak, her body already trying to succumb from all the blows that this day brought, and yet she pressed onwards with every strength of her will. To see him in pain crushed her, his painful whimpering unbearable to listen to. And to watch his dark blood spill endlessly down onto the ground below tore her apart – with fear eating away her aggrieved heart. She refused to let him burden himself any further. This time, she’ll be the one to protect him – she needed to.
All of the sudden, Touka was shrouded in darkness as she heard a large explosion above her. Before she quickly grasped the situation, the corner of her eyes saw a monstrous kagune, all beaten and battered and torn apart.
Ken had surrounded her. He protected her. Again.
Touka gasped in shock, the air thick and suffocating as Ken started to crumble around her and pieces of his flesh fell off his mangled body. With her heart slamming against her chest and as her body froze in fear, her wide eyes darted around to see if she could find him – the real Ken. She searched with such a fearful gaze, desperately attempting to claw away everything she could. She felt the surprisingly cold blood dripping down onto her as the disgusting smell filled her nose. But she couldn’t even mind all of it, as the cold feeling of dread swept through her heart.
How she wished, begged even, for this to be some horrid nightmare that she would wake up from. But with every drop of blood that fell onto her pale cheeks, she knew the truth wouldn’t be so kind.
“Kaneki.” She croaked, raising a trembling arm. Her voice felt so tight and raw, even to her ears. “KANEKI! Where are you?”
As if her voice had beckoned him, his body emerged from the heap of flesh, his new form wrapped around his limbs with his head hung low and his eyes shut. As his body lowered into Touka’s reach, she leaned up and caressed his cheek with her hand. His skin was frighteningly cold and deathly pale, but she couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief at the feeling of his warmth beneath her touch. Tears escaped her eyes from the sight, succumbing to all the feelings she had tried to suppress. His eyes fluttered open, a faint smile on his quivering lips as he locked eyes with Touka for the first time. He reached out to her, his warm smile a cold contrast to their surroundings as rested his head against hers.
“You're… alive.” Ken sighed, palpable relief emerging from his weary voice as his eyes fell shut once again.
But just as Touka could even dare breathe again, Ken slumped against her, his body heavy and limp as he passed out.
“K-Ken,” Touka uttered, her voice hushed and strained. “P-please, wake up.”
She shook him gently as the flesh wrapped around his limbs pulled away and left his stiff, deadweight body leaning against her. Her mind started to race as her knees buckled beneath her. She fell onto them with Ken still in her arms. She was unable to accept the bitter truth – he wasn’t dead, right? He was just wounded and tired. He was still here, right?
Right?
Touka lifted his head, but his eyes remained closed and his lips slightly parted. She sobbed his name out of desperation, her voice growing louder with every touch as her hands gently cupped his face. He looked so peaceful.
“P-please, no. Please,” Touka whimpered whilst she held his body close to her chest and rocked back and forth. “Y-You can’t leave me yet, not yet. Don’t do this to me.”
She had wanted to knock on death’s door, to pray and beg any god, anyone at all – to not take another loved one from her. She couldn’t, she really couldn’t be forced to live seeing more of their glassy eyes as they succumbed to the netherworld. It was too much, too cruel, for life to do this.
The dragon’s form continued to strip away and the investigators started to edge near the scene, but Touka couldn’t care less. All she could do was keep Ken close, to keep him by her side as death made its way towards her. ‘Perhaps,’ she thought, holding onto her husband, but at the same time, caressing her stomach, ‘it wouldn’t be so bad. At least then, only then, I would be able to see him again. I just want to see his smile again.’
Perhaps, in another life, the world wouldn’t be so cruel and they would be able to live. To live. Do mundane things – laugh around with people they love, hold hands, start a family. Perhaps, in the next life, she would still be his, but life would be kinder. Perhaps.
Some distance away, she heard the humans bark orders at her, but their words were blurred and meaningless. Her surrounding was dim and lifeless, her attention only focused on Ken and Ken alone. Even now, it almost seemed like he was smiling, his relief written all over serenely.
It was all worthless though – all her purpose, her hopes and dreams, drained away into a void of despair. She wanted to desperately attempt to call out and scream, because all that she asked for was for Ken to open those beautiful, grey eyes of his. What use was her survival if he wasn’t there to be with her? What was the use of their lives? She felt bitter, they only wanted to leave, tried desperately to survive – and yet the world couldn’t even grant that wish.
She said she would protect him, her own thoughts repeating the cycle cruelly in her mind. She promised. What happened to that promise?
But if she were to die now, then what did Ken die for?
With her mind confused and conflicted, her grief and sorrow mixed with the forlorn truth, she looked down onto Ken’s face and thought for a moment on what he would’ve wanted. She failed. She couldn’t protect him. Everything that happened was because of her again. But if she were to die now, she would only be failing him once more.
And then there was their child. It was probably still smaller than her own palm, and yet to take away such a valuable life out of her own selfishness and grief would be too cruel. This child, the symbol of their love and hope, deserved the world as much as they did. Ken protected this life, he wanted and even desperately tried to make sure they would both live.
To die would only be tossing back the favor that he paid the terrible price for. She wouldn’t be so cruel, even if it broke her heart to do so.
No, she must move forward. For him. For their child. She had to shove back her own selfish desires and push onwards. That’s what she’s being doing all this time, right?
She rested Ken’s body gently onto the blood-soaked ground and got onto her shaking feet, her majestic kagune emerging from her throbbing shoulders. The surroundings lit up with the bright colors of red, purple and orange dancing from her blazing ukaku. Touka lowered her body as she shot projectiles towards the investigators that tried to surround her, she wouldn’t allow them near her or him. They wouldn’t take him away from her.
However, even with a simple attack, her body was already drained of all her energy and she slouched over, her kagune starting to simmer as her gaze drifted back to her sleeping husband. She reached out to him but gunfire soon erupted and she felt a sudden shock as a bullet passed through her arm. With a weak cry, she leaped away, but before she could shield herself, another bullet pierced her thigh. She fell against one of the smashed cars, feeling the deep throbbing pain from both her wounds, as she slid down onto the ground. They must be thinking that he was the one doing this, as the shadow of the kakuja penetrated every corner, every wall.
Along with her pain, Touka couldn’t help but feel her guilt begin to swell, leaning her head back as she looked up onto the clear night sky. Was this the end? Was this how she was going to die? She wasn’t even strong enough at this point to even escape should they try to fire aimlessly again.
Everything, all of this, was so useless. Meaningless.
Still, even now, she looked back at Ken and started to limp towards him. If she could just feel his presence in her last moments, she could at least feel some comfort in her death, even if it hurt her so much.
“I’m sorry,” she choked out, her hand moving back to her aching stomach. “I’m so sorry. I couldn’t do anything in the end.”
The gunfire continued and Touka managed to force out her kagune enough to block the attacks. Lightning sizzled around her as she gritted her teeth. There was sharp, shooting pain as the bullets pulsated through her limbs, but she managed to drag herself to Ken and fell down to his side. She held onto his hand and whispered his name, spouting her apologies into his ears.
It was hopeless. She wanted no more of this, just desperate for this farce to come to an end.
A weak graze touched her skin and she couldn’t even believe it, as her heart welled. But there was another, and another, the movement getting strong with every attempt until Ken managed to weakly squeeze her hand in return.
Touka’s eyes opened wide at his actions, but as she raised her face, she saw nothing but the standing bodies of the humans surrounding her.
The smell of death towered over them, rearing his ugly head. ‘Where was everyone?’ she thought. Why could they not stop this?
A man asked her to step back, as they raised their guns for the final shot. But Touka screamed, her voice scorching through the night. She couldn’t even hear their response as her senses started to blur, but she did hear a gun shoot.
Ken pushed Touka down as he wrapped her body over his. Before she could even do so much as protest, a few, loud gunshots continued to ring in her ears, Ken taking in every last one. His body spasmed violently with every wound he took but he shielded Touka, her eyes locked onto his face with sheer terror and shock.
At first, she was too stunned to comprehend what had just happened before Ken released his own kagune and pierced it through every investigator around them until no more gunshots were heard. However, the damage was done. Crimson red bathed him, and he let out a rough cough as the warmth of his blood splattered across Touka’s face.
Regardless, once Ken lifted his head and opened his tired, sunken eyes, he let out a bright smile. The arms that he leaned on around Touka’s head shaking as he struggled to hold himself up. Touka struggled to breathe, her hand hesitantly moving up towards his face. She couldn’t even do so much as move – her eyes were wide with fear, her hands trembling as the shock ate her.
“I really thought I wouldn’t have made it in time just then.” Ken laughed nervously. “You scared me.” He coughed some more as blood spluttered all over his lips, and he lowered his head to Touka’s neck. She could feel his strength leaving him. She flinched at the sound of him hacking, shutting her eyes momentarily to pray for this to be some kind of cruel joke. “Why did you come back?”
“Ken.” She whispered and she couldn’t hold herself back any more before she wrapped her arms around him, crying out pathetic sobs as the feeling of his blood soaked her body. “You idiot. You fucking idiot. P-Please – I can’t –”
“Touka-chan,” he sighed, his voice now quiet, his body slumped against hers. He brushed his shaking fingers through her damp hair, planting a kiss against the crown of her head. “It’s going be to be fine,” he mumbled, trying to desperately reassure her, “I’m here. I’ll always be here.”
“I can’t do this without you.” She howled with grief. His movements and breathing began to slow as another violent hack pierced through the air. This was all wrong, everything about it was wrong. This couldn’t be.
“You said all you needed was me, but the truth is, it was me who needs you the most. It hurts me so much, seeing you leave all the time,” she cried. “Please, I can’t bear this. Please.”
“Shh, Touka.” Ken lifted his head weakly, his sorrowful smile remaining on his dried lips. “You’re the strongest woman I know. It seems cruel of me, but can you promise me to keep living?” he winced as he held back his coughs. “You will make a good mother.”
How he wished he could see that time, to partake on that said event. He wanted nothing but to desperately live a life not shrouded by death. And yet, it was all life gave him it seemed. Warm tears ran down his cheeks as he realized that it would never come true, that he would never be by her side again – to see their child, to grow old with her and hold her in his arms.
Touka felt all of his feelings – all the regret, all the silent cries of wanting to live. She felt the overwhelming urge to refuse his words, to scream, to shout, to cry that there would be no point – but instead, she chose to listen. It was too late, after all. So instead, she looked up with admiration on his beautiful face, drinking in his every feature as she tried so hard to engrave him on her mind.
“Can you promise me that, Touka-chan?” He asked, his voice hopeful yet strained. She nodded weakly, pulling him back into a tight embrace as she felt his strength slowly begin to diminish. “I’m glad.” She felt him smile against her neck. “I’m glad I met you all those years ago.”
“Me too.” She sobbed, her hold on him tightening.
“That, makes me happy.” Ken pressed himself closely and bent his head to whisper into her ear. She felt like she could laugh at what he did amidst this horrible mess, but she remained silent, nodding slightly. He then grew still and just when Touka was about to call his name, his whisper laid gently in her ears, “I love you.” It was his last breath.
“I love you too.” She had to say it, even though she knew he was already gone.
V.
“Touka-chan?” he muttered, turning around to see if she was there. They were walking silently by the shore, looking around as the waves created a slow, steady rhythm. It created a sense of calm, with the breeze cool against their skins and the sun shined brightly in the horizon. They could see some people also enjoying the scenery, gathered with some friends or loved ones with smiles in their faces.
Touka walked to him and he took her hand, his smile warm and gentle. She couldn’t help but blush at the gesture, the butterflies in her stomach dancing fervently at his touch. Both of them continued walking, comfortable with the silence.
Ken stopped and looked at her, his expression serene as his hair danced with the calm gust of the saltwater air. This had been the most peaceful she had seen him in a very long time. It was as if he was back to those peaceful days in Anteiku, where most of their concerns rested with maintaining the normalcy of their lives. He removed his sandals as they neared the gentle waves. “Our experience won’t be complete if we don’t walk barefooted on the sand, you know?” he told her. The tranquility of his place and of the scene mesmerized her, as if it was taken straight from a dream.
Almost automatically, she mimicked him and he fetched her slippers, holding them with his free hand as he sprinted back into the spot where they left their things. Touka could feel the rough texture of white sand against her feet, and was surprised when the cold water bit her skin. She instinctively took a step back and would have lost her balance if Ken hadn’t caught her arm as he returned to her side. He chuckled at her reaction, his face so bright and childlike that it made her cheeks flush. And when he led her closer to the water again, just enough that the water struggled to touch their ankles, she felt very pleased.
It was as if they were a normal couple, for once.
She waddled deeper, looking at the small fishes that lay visible in the clear blue water until she spotted a small black blob. “It’s a jellyfish! Look!”
“Touka-chan, try to be careful,” Ken beamed, bending down to watch as the tiny creature floated against the current. “If you get too close you might get stung.”
“Right,” she pouted, looking at the water. She saw him wade a bit further, crouching down as something met his eye. Curious, she sauntered towards him as he picked up something near the bottom of the sea and showed it to her.
“Look, I found a seashell,” he said brightly, placing the perfectly shaped clam-shell for her to examine. The sandy clear color stood out as the sun reflected it, with its curved lines running smoothly into her hand. She felt amazed and mesmerized, to be able to enjoy these mundane things. It was as if the world has turned upside down, and yet she didn’t mind it at all as she surrendered herself into its palm.
They spent the good part of their time crouched and partly kneeling in the sand as the currents brushed against them. Touka felt like a spoiled child by enjoying an afternoon on the beach with no one but Ken. She couldn’t help but feel happy whenever she saw his relaxed face. Somehow, she felt like he was his age – not someone who was thrusted with all the worries of the world. From time to time they would stand up and eagerly share the treasures they had uncovered from the sand, smiling and laughing.
At some point, Ken used his time to get creative as he started packing lumps of sand together near the shore. Touka, who was just content looking at his handy work, observed him, appreciating the small details he had put in his project. Sometimes, he would ask her if she wasn’t bored just looking at what he was doing. On other times, he’d invite her but she would refuse, contented with just helping him get more sand.
There were several pillars and cylinders made of sand in one huge lump – like a castle, she realized. It was already late afternoon when he finished, clapping his hand to remove the dirt that got stuck. She couldn’t help but smile when she glanced at his direction, grazing his face gently as she attempted to remove the dirt in his cheeks.
“So how do you find my piece of art?” he asked tentatively, feeling insecure.
Touka tried to keep a straight face at his expression, holding on a chuckle as she poked her hand on one of its pillars “It’s interesting.”
He shot her a glance and pursed his lips, trying his hardest not to smile. “I tried,” he muttered, pouting.
“Your castle amazes me, my king,” she teased, nudging his rib. Ken winced, scratching the back of his head as he laughed nervously.
“I built it for you,” he turned to it timidly, cheeks warm as he crouched and attempted to fix parts of it that were withering away. Suddenly, his gaze turned somber as the waves finally picked up their strength, washing away parts of the sand slowly.
As time passed, Touka could only watch helplessly as the sand started to crumble apart, the sea leaving nothing on its onslaught, wiping away everything. It felt like a hollow, twisted scene, like the world had reverted back to what it was. She wanted to stop it, and yet she couldn’t even move as she felt her heart beating faster.
And when she turned to him, Ken stood up and smiled sadly at her, the sorrow apparent in his features. “I’m sorry I could only give you a sandcastle.”
She could feel the warmth of her tears as she tried to hold onto the dream, curling like a ball to ease the ache in her heart. How many days had passed? Weeks? Months? She couldn’t even decipher, refusing to even leave her room as the void she felt in her heart became palpable yet again.
Her hand held the small bunny keychain firmly, afraid that it too might disappear should she choose to let it go for a second. She felt pitiful for clinging into a small plastic figure just to feel that he was real, that once upon a time, he existed. It was as if the world had erased every part of him – his identity, his name, his story. And she couldn’t help but feel the grief creeping into her bones whenever she thought about it.
‘Why?’ she asked, her question directed to none. She put the small gift near her face, as if it was enough to bring back a part of him. Her eyes were swollen and puffy, her throat felt dry and raw. And her hands, they trembled as she placed them near her heart. If only she had tried to stop him, if only she had been strong enough to protect him – then maybe things wouldn’t be this way. She wished she had told him how much she loved him, wished she had spent more of their waking days together. If she knew this was what fate had in store for the both of them, then she would’ve held him close, cherished every touch, every feel, every moment.
But all was lost, was it not? He’s gone.
As she stood up, she didn’t know what she expected to happen next. Perhaps she could just stay here, because whenever she tried to even stand up, she would just slump back down against the door and sob helplessly.
And yet, in a moment of trance, she found herself walking – out of the door, out of her house – in her disheveled hair and hooded jacket.
Touka walked into the road, aimlessly, helplessly.
She walked past the ruins of a building, barely looking at the damage it had suffered. She recognized a familiar way and stopped by the alley as felt the air of nostalgia tiptoe on her lungs. This was where she first really talked to him, she realized. She could still remember the look of disgust on his face, as a sad smile crept on hers. It was hilarious really, because she never thought she would even get close to someone like him.
Touka walked along the rough, cobbled street and leaned to touch the wall, as the darkness hid the small vivid details from her view. It was cold and felt so empty, she thought, just like her heart. She could still imagine how frightened he was then. If only she knew what had awaited both of them, then maybe she should have been kinder and helped him. Her heart whimpered, just like herself, and she had to stop before it became unbearable. With a sigh, she turned her back to it with what energy she had left, dragging her feet as she thought about how much he had changed since that day.
She moved without direction, allowing her feet to carve her way as she hugged herself. She could see her tired, aching limbs as she walked, albeit blurry. Had it already been too long since then? How she wished she could turn back the time – back to when she had a place where she belonged. She couldn’t help but reminisce about the time that he could still laugh freely with them, with his gentle face finding a sense of peace even when he was thrusted into a world that only contained blood and death. He was so skinny then, and so weak, she thought. And yet his warmth and kindness always saved them, always enveloped them with love that the world never deserved.
“I’d be sad if you died.” His voice resounded into her being that it sent a jolt of pain to her heart. How ironic it was, she thought. She tried to keep her tears at bay as her hands balled into a fist, stopping from her tracks. ‘You fucking idiot,’ her heart screamed, ‘you promised me, you promised.’
Oh god, it hurt too much. Touka’s tears fell freely, muffled sobs escaping from her lips. It was too much for her to bear, too cruel. She could see him everywhere, remembered him in everything. How was she supposed to live like this? How did he expect her to keep her promise when all she could think of was the day she saw his hollow eyes close for the last time?
She remembered :re, and couldn’t help but feel a small pang in her heart as she realized how long it had been. It was a place she built out of her hope that he would one day, return. Because even when everyone had thought him to be dead, she never stopped believing he would one day find his way back to them, back home. It was bittersweet really, that she got her wish.
But in the blink of an eye, everything she worked for, everything she wished for felt meaningless. He could never return to her again.
She broke into a run, clenching her teeth as she realized how much she hated the world for doing this to her, to him. It was one person she couldn’t allow herself to give up on, the one thing she was scared to lose. She grew up on with the constant reminder that she had no choice but to live while losing things, and yet this loss was someone she couldn’t bear, one thing that she always fought for.
Yet she still lost.
She found herself in a familiar sight. And before she could even realize it, her feet had already dragged her back to the place they once called their home, if only for a bit. It was as if he intentionally led her here – even with the smell of rotting flesh and the endless amount of destruction that littered its halls.
She wandered through it, the pervading air of darkness and gloom filling her presence. As she touched the cold metal bars that had kept them company at night, it made her feel tingly. It wasn’t much, she knew, but at least it kept them safe from the world. And even with the small amount of time given, it was enough to make her feel like everything was alright.
Touka saw his makeshift room, with the walls in the same thick, grey stone with a mean barred opening. It festered with the smell of the cool earthen breeze, the same one that she always remembered. It alleviated her heart a little, to feel his presence here – no matter how faint, untouched by the ravages of war. She walked past the metal bars and in front of the small, tattered bed.
And that’s where she saw it, a small blue box.
She tucked it carefully inside her jacket, her heart refusing to open it in fear that she would break down. She was about to get out when she stumbled upon a black sweater, so she stooped to pick it up.
She held it close to her face, breathing in its fragrance. It smelled so much like him – the scent of leather and citrus, as the feeling of warmth brought by the piece of clothing when Ken held her in his arms overcame her senses. Was it that long ago? Was everything so far back into the past that she couldn’t even remember them much?
In a moment of haze, as she slumped her back onto the cold hard floor, she thought she saw him. It was so eerily familiar, really, as if everything that was happening right at this moment was reality. She wanted to fervently hope that he was really there indeed, looking at her from the bed with gentle eyes. Her heart ached at the sight, for she knew it was a fragment of her imagination, no matter how much she longed it to be true.
Yet she had nothing else to hold onto at the moment but this.
“Why did you have to leave?” she asked. Her voice sounded so broken, her throat still hurt and stiff from crying too much. Ken gave her a sad smile, but he didn’t move from the bed, nor did he say anything as he stared at her.
Her vision felt fuzzy, and yet she wiped them forcefully, not wanting to miss the opportunity to see him like this, to feel his presence. “You don’t know,” she croaked, trying to find the words to describe what she felt. Her lungs constricted at the effort, and she couldn’t breathe properly. “You don’t know how much it hurt to lose you, how hard it was.”
“I do.” Somber, sorrowful.
“I love you.” She hugged herself, arms wrapped tightly around her legs. Touka felt his presence stand up, yet she never could figure out if it was real. Dare she hope? She didn’t know anymore – couldn’t decipher reality from imagination. A sigh escaped from a voice she had memorized so well. Warm hands enveloped her, seeping from her skin to her being. And just when she thought she would never feel like this again, her soul was flooded with feelings.
It made her remember the warmth of his body against hers, the softness of his lips as he kissed her worries away. It made her remember the way he took her hands into his, to gently wrap them around his own as he squeezed them tightly – to reassure her that he was there, that he would always be with her. Their grip would tighten, as if it was the last time they could be together, before he would lean in to capture her lips with his.
It would bring shivers down her spine when he did, and yet the warmth that puddled in the pit of her stomach would ease out and spread like butterflies. He would kiss her – her eyes, her brows, the crown of her head – he would leave his mark in gentle succession, barely touching at times, and yet enough to make her feel the scorching fire flood into her veins. It was there that they would allow each other to be fully honest, as they allowed their actions to express what they truly felt. It was then that she would get lost into his touch – a second, a third, it didn’t matter. For he was there, with her, for her – and everything else pales in comparison. Nothing else mattered.
“I’ll always be with you, Touka.” A whisper, a murmur, a voice she loved so much.
The realization hit her and sent her mind spiraling into oblivion. Her heart felt like it would physically burst at that moment, as she held on dearly to the small piece of clothing as if her life depended on it. It was too much; the pain was too great and raw – as if someone once again shattered her heart and ripped it out of her chest. It filled the entirety of her being with such longing and fierce anguish that death would pale in comparison. This time, she allowed herself to let go, to drown in the intensity of what she had lost, to feel how much it had meant to her after all this time.
‘Ken, you idiot.’
Warmth enveloped her form, as she found herself carried by someone. She felt every step of his movement, she thought. Her consciousness was still too hazy, and yet she felt comfortable with his touch. It felt strong, yet it was also gentle – a familiar presence that at least brought her a form of peace. Her head ached, and she felt so tired. She found herself nuzzling for his warmth, as if it would help with the void in her heart, as if it was enough to help her find a remedy to stop the pain.
She knew she was alive, with the steady breath of her lungs and the beating of her heart. It made her sad, to think that she was still here, and yet she knew she couldn’t fail him - her husband. ‘A life depended on it,’ she thought. Her hands clenched into fists as she remembered, and the figure halted his walk that she had no choice but to face him.
“Aneki,” his husky voice whispered gently, his voice stained with worry and fear.
Touka looked at him and smiled tiredly, reaching out to gently touch his face. How had he grown this tall? How had she missed all of this? She wondered how much more she would miss, how much more life would take away from her. His eyes looked like they were suffering as they met hers, the gentle orbs filled with pain. She couldn’t even find herself to speak, retreating back into the warmth in his chest.
She felt him sigh, and yet he did nothing and continued walking. Touka closed her eyes as she realized that the sweater was wrapped around her, and she nuzzled closer to her brother’s chest. “Let’s get you home.”
VI.
‘Remember your purpose,’ she muttered to herself, as the climax of her pain and frustration intensified.
Of all the times she could remember experiencing pain, she knew in her heart that this topped her list. There was so much at stake here, so much to lose and to gain at the same time. It left her writhing in agony, as red-hot pinnacles climbed steadily.
‘Breathe,’ Touka reminded herself.
Don’t give in, don’t give up. You’re not allowed to.
Don’t.
With an agitated grunt, she gripped Hinami’s hand, a desperate cry escaping her as a contraction passed through. She was thankful for her sister for being her guide, as the worst of the pain subsided. She clinched her eyes shut, taking comfort on Hinami’s whispers. This time, the pain was not a punishment, she thought. It was not a trial the world had purposely left for someone like her. This time, she was reminded of the reason she was alive, and why she kept fighting.
“You’re the strongest woman I know.” She remembered a voice, so gentle, so serene. A face, a smile that hid the most pain. “You will make a good mother.”
After what felt like hours of torturous pain, she slumped back down onto the bed, drenched in sweat as her senses dulled. Tears of pain turned into tears of relief as she remembered the so many months that had passed. This child had become her strength, her reason, her life. The very thought that she would finally be able to hold him in her arms was almost unbelievable to her – a light that shined through their darkness, her and Ken’s hope. She wanted nothing more than to see the beautiful face, touch his small hands and hear his cries as she held it close to her chest. For so long now, she has dreamt of this moment continuously, her heart growing warm at the thought.
After Ayato had found her alone in Ken’s now empty room, everyone had tried their best to help Touka, to make her focus on her future – on her child. In a way, this child was the only one that made her cling through life, as cruel as it may have seemed. It was her child that fueled her to move, to live again – no matter how empty she felt. It was the child that helped her with her grief and sorrow.
And yet, it was also the child that reminded her most of Ken.
It would seem like this was a healthy progression, an improvement even, from what she was only a few months ago. But the others knew better – she was only pushing aside her agony, bottling it up and hiding it away as she pretended everything was fine, when in reality, each and every part of her only screamed to forget.
She remembered him when she saw coffee – of the times she would praise her delicious brew, of the times she taught him how to create his own.
She remembered him in the smell of flowers, old books or even leather, and his scent would haunt her, follow her – as if it was the only thing she could find.
She remembered him when she saw Hinami and Ayato, sometimes even when she saw random children, would remember how he used to read to them and teach them.
It was slowly eating her away. And it was during lonely nights when she would wake up from night terrors, would she scream out for him the most. It was ironic, but also cruel that life reminded her of it – what occurred that day was something she would never, ever be over with – the scar opening fresh wounds with every little smell, gesture, sight, as her own guilt tore her apart. ‘You never really forget,’ she thought.
Regardless, she continued to smile as if nothing had happened at all.
It was horrible to watch and yet, nothing anyone tried to do seemed to have helped. Touka was broken and no matter how hard they tried to piece her back together, she would only crumble apart again before their very eyes.
Again.
And again.
And again.
Even through the red haze of pain, Touka wanted nothing more than to see his face, for him to be with her, as her jaw clenched and her hand tightened in Hinami’s. She tried to soothe her agony, dabbing a wet cloth over her head and offering words of encouragement.
“You’re doing great, Onee-chan.” Hinami told her, squeezing her hand. She felt so tired. “Stay strong.”
Touka could almost laugh at such words. Didn’t he call her strong that day? And yet she did nothing more than disappoint him. It was a part of her life where she felt so useless, helpless. But she kept all these thoughts to herself in silent mockery before another contraction went by.
“I’m here.” A familiar voice, a familiar presence whispered faintly into her ear. Tears welled up from her exhausted face, as she looked around in hope. Warmth enveloped her, strengthening her will as she realized the deep meaning behind these words. They spoke of a love that didn’t vanish – bottomless, fathomless love that knew no boundary. For even if life could end, even if she would never see him again, his love did not fade away.
It was in it that she drew strength – strength to wake up, strength to move and strength to go on in her everyday life. Whether she was strong or not did not matter, because it was his presence that still empowered her. In the end, she was willing to go through this painful moment, that seemed so little to her at this point, for her child.
Anything for his hope.
The least she could do was hold onto this last promise, this last wish that he always prayed to come true. Just this once, she hoped that world wouldn’t be cruel enough to take it away again.
‘Breathe,’ she told herself. The contraction was tapering slowly now, and with it, the burning sensation as the tremendous pressure made itself known. She barely had enough strength to grip Hinami’s hand anymore, yet the warmth continued to make her feel that she could do it. She bore down on that warm weigh with everything she had, giving one final push with a loud cry.
She pushed on, just like she always did.
All at once, the pressure was suddenly gone as she fell limply back into the bed. Her vision spun from the effort as she chocked hungrily for air. The movement around her was a blur, and so were the voices.
She was tired, so very tired.
A piercing cry broke through the fog that surrounded her. Blearily, she opened her eyes, wanting so badly to see the child’s face. Her child.
“A boy,” a voice announced, holding up a small, crying baby wrapped in a bundle of blue blankets. The vision felt like a blur to her, and yet she could faintly see the familiar silhouette that wore that same black sweater. He turned to look at her as he held the child in his arms, while his face showed only air of tranquility as he beamed brightly.
Touka let a single tear slip down her cheeks at the sight. It felt like a dream, an illusion, and yet there was only light shining in her heart. Her vision swam as the figure carefully placed him into her open arms. Her son calmed down and stirred, his small, pudgy hands reaching out to her as he pinched the air.
He was so beautiful.
Her baby was flushed with a vibrant pink color, and had the softest, black hair that Touka ever touched. She felt like she had never seen someone as perfect and as beautiful in her life until she saw her child. Joyful tears stream down her cheeks, her eyes locked onto his face as she drowned in his every feature. She stroked his cheek softly and he let out a small smile, gripping her finger. She couldn’t help but sob, holding him closer to her, feeling his warmth and the beat of his heart.
He was here with her, he was alive.
“He’s adorable.” Hinami squealed and Touka smiled as she looked up to her. “He looks just like –” She stopped, her voice trailing off and her smile fading as she realized what she was about to say. It still pained her, and them, to think about him.
“Just like him.” Touka whispered softly as her son grabbed onto her finger once again and squeezed tightly. He had the most exquisite, delicate features and he filled her heart with so much love, with so much hope.
Slowly, she began thinking of the future again, a future full of hope, just like his father wanted.
“What’s his name?” Hinami asked excitedly, pulling Touka’s focus back towards her.
She asked for her to get the box she handed to Nishiki earlier. And whilst she waited for her to return, she continued to admire this life in her hands. He was so small, you would wonder if he was alive at all – but he was here, breathing and moving. Alive.
This was what they had sacrificed for, this child that held their lives.
As Hinami came back into the room with the box in hand, the others joined her with bright, excited smiles before they crowded around Touka and her son. Ayato cocked his head to one side as he stared at the small baby, his eyes narrowed.
“It’s so tiny.” Ayato mumbled. “Is he even alive?”
“Of course he is, silly.” Touka giggled. “And it’s not an it. He’s my baby boy.”
“I hope that’s not what you’re gonna name him.” Nishiki joked as he leaned in to take a peek of the child. “He’s got some fat cheeks. His name should be chubby boy.”
Touka ignored his annoying comments and took the box from Hinami’s hand. She opened it only once before and this was her second time, her hand smoothing over the surface before opening it to find a small plushed, neatly made bunny with a name sewn into the blue stomach.
Kazuki.
Ken pressed himself closely and bent his head to whisper into her ear. “Kazuki,” he whispered, his voice barely audible as he tried so hard to stay awake, stay with her. With a smile, he imagined the child in his arms, “our hope.”
Hope.
That was what this child was. Her hope, and his. Even if the simple memory was unbearable for her to look back on, she clung onto it, struggling to hold back her tears. Even if it felt like a stab wound in her aching chest, when she looked back down to the son she was blessed with, she imagined the joy Ken must feel at the moment. She hoped he also felt this newfound hope and faith that bubbled up inside her. For a moment, it felt that perhaps happiness wouldn’t be an impossible achievement, not with Kazuki resting peacefully in her arms.
Hope, it was her gift to him. It was his gift to the world.
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