#jordan-rants

[only-knives]

part of me wants to just tell my dad off for literally everything he's ever done to me and my family and how he has somehow managed to near singlehandedly ruin my entire life

but i know i am not strong enough to do that yet. and i dont know if i ever will be. that man has a grip on a huge part of my brain. the thing is. feels like i can't let go until i've told him the fuck off. i want to have my crash out.

i dont want to spend the rest of my life being afraid to exist in this world at the same time as him. i've been struggling with it for so long. maybe that's the constant psychological discomfort i feel.

it would make sense. it's always where my mind goes back to when it's vulnerable. hm. there's gotta be something i can do to help myself here. something i haven't thought or said or done yet. that would make me feel like. i do have power. and i am allowed to be here.

i can't live in his shadow forever. it fucking sucks. but i guess the fact i really do wanna do it at some point is progress. someone has got to tell that man off completely. i can't stand to see him never be confronted.

[only-knives]

honestly i wouldn't stop using if it were costing me way too much to keep up this addiction. if i could get it for free or be in a situation where i had enough money to last me the rest of my life, i would not stop using it.

i don't want to stop using it. but i can't keep using it and still have money to pay to live. i also can't stop without having something to get me through the withdrawals.

there is not a chance in hell i would be able to get through the withdrawals from this and not become terribly ill because of how totally incapacitated i'd be.

i wish it didn't cost money to live. i wish basic necessities were provided for free. i wish literally anything nonessential to Being Alive were much cheaper. i wish it weren't so hard to just get damn suboxone. i've been trying for months now.

this system is a joke. this society is a joke. if you're severely disabled, you're fucked.

[only-knives]

i'm not going to lie gang. my addiction is now taking literally all of my money. i'm not proud of it. i've got maybe $130-$140 overall. before the locksmith crisis i had like $400+ but ever since i've just kinda been. jaded and gave up on holding myself back.

granted that's still something and i only get $90-$180 a month anyway. but. kinda planning to blow $60 on drugs and nicotine. and my next payment is either in 2 weeks or 4 weeks. i can't remember.

i really dont want to quit but. it's looking like i'm gonna have to switch to suboxone. one way or another i am literally just delaying the inevitable and i know it.