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I finally made a filipino dish for the first time in my life and I feel somewhat ashamed but also very ecstatic about it. Ashamed bc I never made any bc I was afraid of it tasting bad or not doing it justice to my heritage. My chicken adobo though came out so fucking good, oh my god. I am now intrigued to make more.
i’m growing out my hair right now (just for fun cos i haven’t had long hair since i was 10) and some people i know, not really my friends, are starting to think i’m detransitioning or am out of my trans phase ??? (for context there were 3+ girls in my grade who detransitioned from being transmasc/nonbinary so it’s not super uncommon ig) my hair isn’t that long and i have never said to anyone that i am detransitoniing idk?? but it kind of reminded me of the pattern i see with a lot of trans people (transmascs specifically, might just be because i am in more tmasc spaces) who embrace masculinity in elementary and middle school and then by mid high school they get hyperfeminine due to peer pressure. and i need to promise myself not to do that. i don’t think i ever would/will because i don’t really care what the people who would urge me to do that’s opinion of me anyway, but i never want to put my happiness below someone else’s idea of what’s proper and improper. idk maybe this is really naive of me to think because i am majority supported with my transness. my dad is transphobic but he thinks girls can be and act however they want and i am just a really masculine girl (that uses he/they pronouns and is called a guy by my friends lol :P) anyways idk if people will read this but i just wanted to get my thoughts out there and i thought maybe another trans person could relate :) plus i haven’t made an original post in ages
🐰🖌Maxwell: Hey guys! Our A-friend here just posted his latest DA journal today, but its important to note after waiting that he finally got his shot....a vaccine shot of course. It was a good thing since we needed them during the pandemic days still active of sorts.
🦊⚽️Sam: Yeah. Here's hoping that our A-Friend can drawn for us having our vaccine shot we got; including mom and dad.
🐰👊💥May: Don't forget to other friends like Wilson and Brown for another post soon.
Reading Journal for the year or however long it takes to finish it.
Feb 22 2025
Today was a mixed bag of highs and lows.
It's also been awhile since my anxiety has been this bad. I wish my heart would stop racing.
I tried talking about some things with others, but that didn't really help. Did some deep breathing exercises and tried to distract myself.
Losing yourself in your hobbies is the best thing. In that moment, nothing else matters and you simply create.
I really missed that side of me.
It's a shame that feeling couldn't have lasted longer
Here are some more reminders to myself that everything will be okay because they eventually will be
You got this
Everything will be alright
Witchcraft in college journal entry number 3
I talked openly about having some psychic abilities in a makeup class after my teacher talked about his wife having strong ones. Hers sound A LOT stronger than mine.
I hate this feeling of being perfectly content with waiting for her, for as long as she needs, but also wanting to move on. It's a bittersweet feeling... definitely bitter when I remember how she played me, but sweet when I remember how much I loved it and couldn't see the error. She tells me 'it's me, not you', and some of my friends have halfway convinced me she's right, but no matter what they say I know I'm part of the problem too. The funny thing is... I don't see us as a problem that needs solving. I know I love her, no matter how stupid I am for it and no matter how fruitless my efforts have been, and will continue to be. I know, for the entirety of my life, she won't be my only love. She wants to eventually marry a man and have children, and I don't like looking forward to big commitments like that anyways- I just wish she'd see how much her presence means to me now. In this moment. I still remember that first time I spilled my feelings to her; how she told me that sweet, patient, life-changing kiss didn't mean anything. I clearly remember scanning my eyes over that text message, and felt myself internally pause. I paused to cry, I cried and cried because I didn't understand. And mostly because I immediately thought I'll never get to experience her lips again. Her words that night are replayed every day in my head. That conversation was a couple months ago from today. As much as it hurts me, I use it as fuel. I sort of made a second round, because I'm a stubborn person and I try my best to get what I want. I put in a valiant effort, and I worked myself up to being at ease around her again. I let the feeling of 'home' return to radiating off of her, I let myself enjoy the smell of her perfume and I talked to her. I watched her smile, and kept the image in my head longer. It turns out my second turn has ended. This last spill was a big one, because she told me she wanted me to vent all of my bottled feelings to her. I'm really... really glad she cared enough to allow me to cry over her again (though she doesn't know I've cried over her at all). With the end of this second round, it's been easier to kind of accept things for how they are. She gave me a speech about how we don't know what the future can hold. She told me we couldn't be together now, maybe in the future, maybe this summer. Then again, maybe not. I'm hoping you'll come around this summer like you did a couple summers ago... even if it is just a benefits thing. I'll take what I can get, unfortunately. I feel a certain kind of ease now that I know she knows the extent of my love. Knowing for sure she can't and won't return that love hurts like you wouldn't believe, but for some reason I think I'm okay today. And of course I'll have bad days where I'll want to die because I'll realize, once again, that her love isn't for me, but for now I'm okay. I won't say I'm not going to wait on her, because I really am anticipating the midsummer days this year, but now I think I can make it until then.
-7:06 PM // 5/2
I went through all my selfies on my MacBook, and I’m pretty fucking beautiful.
Like, long hair, or short doesn’t matter. I’m just really actually stunning. I forget that sometimes.
I guess it’s a good thing I take so many selfies.
