#journal dump

[mantischimes]

shaw

[rosemariejean]

i remember it all

especially what i want to forget

i remember when you told me i had bpd

why did i call your therapist?

i can't remember my line of reasoning

all of the embarassing and unhinged things i did with you

like a stain on my sanity

i saw myself as a victim

hellbent on manipulating the narrative

who was that girl

that version of me

and why does she still haunt me?

i get night terrors and cold sweats

when i see my bleached hair

[marvelsfavoriteuncle]

Dear Journal… 📝

I just had to accidentally witness flashbacks today.

I was having an odd morning like i always do. Tired, i had a hangover from the night before and decided to at least get some stuff done.

Going to the bedroom, i fix my bed, organize the area around the tv and throw away any used napkins and water bottles. And as i do, i change into a gray shirt, black sweatpants and slippers—i ain’t going anywhere!

Of course, i get some calls done too. I’m calling Sharon, chatting with my niece as i should then i hear noises in the hallway.

I am confused and concerned, concerned that someone locked another person in a closet. Since Tony has done with his siblings, Sharon has done, my own FREAKING sister done it to me before—EVEN REI has done to his siblings.

So ofc i am mad, concerned and worried that the poor person is stuck as i hear banging, noises and whatnot.

But has ai jingle open the doorknob, and unlock..guess who i find? Not a kid or teen—BUT BRUCE AND NATASHA MAKING OUT!

MY POOR EYES!

I got flashbacks to finding my sister and Peggy making out in a closet years ago! Hell I got flashbacks to Howard and Maria too!! So many things were running through my mind like: How long has this been going on? When? Have they told anybody? And why it is always me to has to find out this crap?!

Haven’t I suffered enough that I had to see it a 3rd time?!

Anyways once I got over it (not really cuz Black Widow was kissing The Hulk—huh? Guess badass ladies have things for smart brunettes) they talked a bit about things, not exactly clear onto their respective relationship, not wanting it on SHIELD record or anything. Like uh okay, SHIELD doesn’t know shit about this! 

Blah blah blah we sorta talked (not really, but I don’t really mind, they had their hands all over each other anyways) something’s accidentally occurred to me that it’s the weekend, theses two seriously need a date night or a short weekend away from the chaos to figure things out between them…so I may or may not offered them one of my houses.

I rarely do that anymore but as long as I don’t find them in a supply closet making out I’m good. As long as my house isn’t flooded, destroyed or burned, hell or any property damage—it’s find by me.

I never get a chance to actually enjoy a relationship or a break from children..so I guess they deserved a chance for both!

I thought Bruce had a crush on Thor!? What happened to that!?

I felt like I was 3rd wheeling in front of them or a parent who just caught their kid making out together on the couch. It was weird but I guess they make a good couple.

It’s kinda cute. Pretty much still in shock and surprised by it all.

Honestly it made me forgot for it felt to be in love and enjoy life despite all the things in our lives. Huh? I guess when you loved and lost a lot of loved ones, you forgot how it is to feel about having a relationship.

So it feel awkward and uncomfortable and closed off. You just don’t know how to handle things or date again. It’s just weird. Maybe I might start dating again? Any thoughts?

Anyways I’m rambling too long. Bye.

—-

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Hope u like this entry! Should Jason start dating again?

Tags: @missstrawbs2001 @purpleprincessonfyre @meiramel l @gcthvile @rickb-chaos @gaminggirlsstuff @wizzzardofoz @cherrysft @luna-d-marsh @ask-starrk



[belog-grada-crna-princeza]

People don't know each other, don't connect with each other. I've grown up playing roles. I've grown up an actress. I should've won a million Oscars because I can be anyone you need me to be: if you need a hero, I'll be your hero, I'll play the perfect villian and the willing victim. I'll be the Big Bad Wolf and I'll be the damsel in distress. Just don't ask me to be me.

You don't want me to be me.

You don't wanna know about everything I hide and what I've been hiding all my days, you don't wanna see the rubbish and destruction behind the image we've both created for me. I can read your mind and I can make your fantasies come to life. That's the fun of me. That's what you sign up for.

Don't get mad that I leave. Don't get mad when I do. You're not here for the ugly parts, you're here for the fun, and the show can only last for so long before I get fucking exhausted.

I hate you because you love the mask, not me.

I don't really hate you. I hate myself because I'm fucking unloveable. I'm fundamentally screwed up and it's not your fault but you must leave before you see the truth. You must leave and never return before I look into your eyes and see the disgust and disapproval and disappointment because I'm not what you wanted. I'll cling, I'll attach, I hate that I do that because the ending was written before the play even began. I thought that you could love me. Even though deep down, this is what I am. This is all I am. All I'll ever be.

I wish I didn't have to be a ghost.

I wish there was a place for me.

The wishing, the hope, that's what has always killed me the most. I vowed to myself to find a way to kill it but I still don't know how to do it and still remain alive.

If I could just turn it all off. But I can't. And so it's the cruelest game of all. I'll always wish for something I was never destined to have, to be.

~ just journal thoughts

[marvelsfavoriteuncle]

📝 Dear Journal,

I shit my pants last night on seeing Rick’s friend C.

I just woken up from a nap half an hour before deciding to join the young heroes movie night.

Rochelle, Liane, Luna, and Rick were there. Liane decided on a scary movie then a cute Disney movie later.

Rick was confused onto that point of the film, as him and Rochelle got scared, getting a couple of jump scares.

Hell, I got a little worried and scared when watching Scream (1996). I got flashbacks to Tony and Rhodes watching the movie years ago when they invited their friends for a small movie night, then could not sleep for two nights straight.

And in present day, theses kiddos are watching it.

But what scared them (including me), wasn’t exactly the movie but a black thing resting against Rick’s shoulder with big sharply pointed teeth. The girls and I basically screamed meanwhile Rick looked unfazed by the whole thing, confused by our reactions.

Wait no Luna didn’t seemed very scared, barely unfazed by the whole creature popping out of nowhere. It had me wondering if it was mistaken on theses heroes and if they had any other characteristics to them. Hell, I am hiding behind a layer of secrets myself, so who am I to judge? Right?

Anyways Liane was scared out of her mind meanwhile Rochelle was just in shock about the whole thing.

I don’t blame them!

But I am curious now onto the kids and wanting to get to know them a bit more, maybe a couple of days of chatting and chilling with them could get everyone comfortable. I know everyone got some kind of special things to them, but that’s for another time. Maybe I might hang out with them some more if they want?

Watch a movie (that isn’t scary), go out to relax at a balcony side of The Tower with them and even get creative by letting them decorate their rooms at The Tower? I think they might like if I ordered stuff for them to design their bedrooms.

Getting off track, anyways, yeah, that’s when we were introduced to C, his pal.

Let’s just say I didn’t sleep last night.

How are the others holding up from movie night? Let me know in the comments below.

——

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// Tags: @missstrawbs2001 @purpleprincessonfyre @meiramel @gcthvile @ask-starrk @rickb-chaos @gaminggirlsstuff @wizzzardofoz @cherrysft @luna-d-marsh and etc

[belog-grada-crna-princeza]

How do you tell someone: “I want to be held by you”?

I am terrified of touch. I avoid hands, fingers, bodies hovering over. I am terrified of meaningful touch. I can have sex with the first person I see down the street, but I won't let anyone hold me.

I want to be held by you. Good you, kind you, gentle you. Sweet, perfect, angelic you. When you look into my eyes, I see forgiveness. I see peace. I see home.

I want to be he(a)l(e)d by you. I want you to know me, to see me, I want to take off this heavy, heavy shell of mine I call skin for you. I want you to see me.

I am bad. I know that. I am very bad, I am absolutely horrible and disgusting and horrific. I can never be held by your perfect hands. Your perfect hands deserve other perfect hands.

Darling, you slip away like sand and I open my fingers. It's my attempt to be good, for once. It's my attempt at loving you.

Jane Austen “Emma” // my journal

[caillincantdraw]

lil self portrait, experimenting with style

[caillincantdraw]

// s m o o t h //