#jowis

[jowisissimo]

What’s up, old self?

I’ve been idle and inactive on this Tumblr account for the past few years because of personal reasons that no longer matter. Now that I’ve “accidentally” opened this account, I cant help but back-read everything that I wrote here. Lol. I’ve always wondered why I didn’t just deactivate/delete this account during the times I dreaded to use this, but now I know why. This account will always have a special place in my heart. This account used to be my safe haven online. This was my OG go-to site whenever I had something to share-but no one else to share it with. This is where my old self poured her heart out--in poetries, prose, arts, and in songs, even. There are so many unpublished notes and prose dedicated to people who used to mean the world to me. There are so many well-thought-of and not-so-well-thought-of entries lurking on depths of this account. And as the memory hoarder that I am, I can’t just let go of this account even though I already have my new personal blog. I guess that’s just how it is: you’ll always have your go-to something that you can’t let go of. Lol

So anyway, a lot has changed since my last personal post here. While I was reading my old posts, I can’t help but miss the old Joyce whose only problem was passing her Maths class; I can’t help but miss the old Joyce that wrote poetries and songs for people who didn’t even deserve it; i can;t help but miss the old Joyce who’s so naive at life; I can’t help but miss my old self whose happiness was of simpler things; I can’t help but miss my old self. I don’t do all those things anymore. All those turn of events changed me, and I’m really thankful for it. It helped me grow. It helped me realize to take no shit from people who steal what’s left of my sanity. It helped me realize the people worth hanging on to, and the people who are definitely not worth it. I may miss my old self, but I can say that I like my new self better. So yeah, this is me saying goodbye to my old self. This is me bidding farewell to vulnerable Joyce. This is me saying hello to better things coming my way. This is me, moved on... 

Dear old self, 

I know you’ve been through a lot. I know you’ve encountered battles you’re capable of winning--but lost. I know you did your best in the past years, and I’ll always commend you for that. You’ve reached new heights and ventured on to new places, but stopped. You were preparing to fly, Joyce. You were made for great heights, but you stopped. You stopped reaching new heights. You stopped singing to your favorite songs. You stopped enjoying your life. There’s no problem with that, though. You needed a break, and you gave that to yourself. I commend you for that, too. That’s the greatest thing you ever gave to yourself-- the gift of giving yourself a break from everything that drains you. You see when you’re in your depressive episode, every little thing affects you. You’ll seek self-worth onto things that do not even really matter. You didn’t see that coming, and that’s not entirely your fault, old self. But you punished yourself. You stopped and abstained yourself from living your life to the fullest because you thought you weren’t deserving for it. But dear old self, you were so wrong. You deserve all the great things. You deserve better things than being bullied by your size. You deserve better than your sad mornings and sadder nights. You deserve to live your life to the fullest, dear old self. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to live.

I’m proud of you for coming this far, old self. You’ve conquered mountains and you’re still thirsting for more. You’ve aced life battles you never knew you were capable of winning. You’ve bid farewell to all the toxicity and negativity that used to surround you. You’ve helped a lot of people more than you know. I’m proud of you, for rising above the crumbles of the heartache from all the people who have hurt you. I’m proud of you for turning your life from the edge of rotting depression. I’m proud of you for moving on.

Old self, this is the new you. This is the new me. This is the me saying yes to all the things that scares me. This is me taking every risk for myself. This is me winning at life. This is me creating beautiful things. This is me courageously singing my fight songs. This is me living. I know that I’ll still have depressive episodes from here and there, but I now know how to handle everything responsibly. I know this won’t be a smooth sail but no smooth sailing ever made a skillful sailor. I’m an incoming Law student now, old self, while doing part-time freelance artworks, designs, programming, and blogging. I’m also administering established accounts online, being one of the online influencers. I also ventured onto new places I’ve never been before, and I’m doing new sports I never thought I’d be interested in. While all of these might seem intimidating and time-consuming, these are the things that made me redeem and keep my sanity intact. I know being a full time Law student with all these extra activities on the side will be hard, but I’ll do my best to finish strong. After all, old self, that’s what you made me; you made me stronger. 

So yeah, thank you for your soldiering brave heart, old self. Without that, I wouldn’t have surpassed that dark phase. Thank you for standing up for the thousandth time even though life kicked you nine hundred and ninety nine times already. Thank you, old self. I’ll do better this time.

[jowisissimo]

(unfinished) i knew your currents would drift me away, so i threw out the anchors and stayed when the ship was burning and your currents got stronger, this damn ship was sinking and i couldn't hold it any longer i did what i had to do- save myself from this soon to be shipwreck burnt down with pride and hate and even anger became shipless, i felt so much lighter. swam against your currents, i became really stronger i picked all the broken pieces from the old shipwreck you caused, built a smaller ship out of it-

MJAT

[jowisissimo]

Hayaan mo akong gawin kang obra - Ipipinta kita gamit ang mga kulay ng pagmamahal na sinayang niya. Hayaan mo akong gawin kang obra - Kung saan ang pangalan mo'y mamumuhay sa bawat tulang isusulat ko tungkol sa pagibig, sinta. Hayaan mo akong gawin kang obra - Iguguhit kita gamit ang mga kamay kong kailanma'y hindi nakalimot sa mga haplos mo, pangga. Hayaan mo akong gawin kang obra - Ipagdidikit natin ang mga pirasong sinira ng nakaraan. Pangako, mahal, 'di ka na mawawasak muli kailanman. Hayaan mo akong gawin kang obra - Dahil mahal, hindi mo man nakikita, isa kang tunay na obra maestra. Hayaan mong ito sa'yo ay aking ipadama.

MJAT

[jowisissimo]

I May Have Lost You, But I Gained So Much More

"When you broke my heart I thought my world was over. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t get out of bed. I thought I would literally never get over you. A few short weeks later and I am one hundred percent completely and totally recovered. In fact, I feel better than ever. So… why was it so easy? I always loved you with everything I had. I loved you more than anything I ever knew, more than I thought I was capable of. It was a feeling I never experienced before and never wanted to lose. But, part of me always knew you didn’t feel the same way. I thought you just needed time, that you would eventually feel these same unexplainable feelings I felt for you. I knew how important I was to you, you made sure I knew that, not with words but with gestures. But I always felt like you didn’t feel exactly the same things I felt and I thought that was my fault, because I loved too much, too deeply, and with too much of my soul. I’d always felt more love towards anyone I ever loved than they could give back to me, including my own parents. So it was normal, and I was the weird one, I thought. I accepted it because I knew you loved me as much as you could. And to me, that was enough. But, when you said the words, “I don’t love you as much as you love me,” I knew that wasn’t okay. Those words hurt more than anything in the world. But, why? I knew it was true all along. I just couldn’t believe you said it out loud. I tried to reason with you. I tried to convince you, and myself, that it was okay, that I just loved too much and you loved me as much as he could and that was okay. But, you left anyway. You said I would understand eventually. You left me no home. That was it for me. I lost the only person I ever loved. But, being alone for just a few short days I began to see that you were right when you said you weren’t being fair to me, when you said you were not able to give me what I deserved. You were right. And all of the sudden, I was happy, happier than I had ever been. I was free and open to endless possibilities in life. I realized that love is the most powerful and most important thing in the world. I deserve to be the most important thing in someone’s world. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I am a powerful, deep, passionate lover and there has to be someone who will love me back just the same. I need someone who can tell me anything, talk for hours, sleep under the stars with me, and tell me they love me every single day. I should have realized long ago, that’s what I deserve. That’s what we all deserve. And here’s what you taught me: You taught me what it’s like to be in love. You taught me what it’s like to love someone for everything they are, for their strengths and weaknesses, perfections and flaws. And you taught me that I am deserving of so much more than you would ever give me. You taught me to never settle for anything less than what I deserve. I became a happier version of myself because of you. When you broke my heart, it was the best thing that ever happened to me."

[jowisissimo]

That’s Not Love My Dear, But You’ll Find It

"But honey, you know nothing about love. It’s not love if it’s only benefiting you, and not both of you. It’s not love if all you did was made her crazy. It’s not love if you’re only craving the physical stuff. It’s not love if you claim you’re telling the truth when in fact you just selectively tell her what you want her to know. It’s not love when you can stand not speaking to her for days. It’s not love if you’re just leading her on. That’s not love, my dear. You think it is because you’re the only one feeling it. She loved you so damn hard, you know. She gave you everything she had, not caring if she was left with nothing. She just wanted you to be happy. She loved you in ways you can’t love her. But you just threw it away, telling yourself you deserve so much better when she already gave her best. She loved you too much, too hard that she’ll always take you back no matter how many times you screwed up. That’s her fault I guess, loving the ones who know nothing about love; loving the lost, the broken. But it’s your fault too, for not appreciating the love she’s willing to give. Someday, the universe will give back all the love she gave you that you took for granted. To another guy who knows her worth, someone who knows how to take care of her. And when that day comes, that’s when you’ll realize that you lost the moon while chasing after dead stars and bright, deceiving meteorites."

[jowisissimo]

Now You're Just A Stranger With All My Secrets

"It’s sad yet ironic that you’re a stranger now but you know all my secrets. You have the keys to my heart and soul yet you can’t get in. You are holding my secrets but you can’t hold my hand. You’re a stranger who knows what keeps me up at night and what I’m terrified of. You’re a stranger who once calmed my storms and made me feel safe. You know my demons and you tried to fight them with me, you know my darkness and you used to guide me to find the light. You’re a stranger who saw my dark side and told me that it makes me even more beautiful. You know my deepest secrets and you promised not to hold them against me. You know the things that I couldn’t tell anyone else and you know the lies I told everyone else. You’re a stranger I once trusted with my life. You know who my best friends are and who is secretly my favorite. You know who I count on the most and you know who I talk to when I don’t feel like talking to anyone else. You warned me about some of them and you told me to fight for some of them and I always listened to you. You’re a stranger who was once my best friend too. You know my dreams and how I plan to achieve them, you know what I truly want and what makes me happy, you know how I plan to change the world and what I really want to be known for. You’re a stranger who was once a dream come true. You know my words and my silence and you understand my ramblings. You’ve read my journals and my diaries and you’ve read all my letters and you still have the letters I wrote to you. You’re a stranger I once wrote about – you’re a stranger I still write about. You’re a stranger I saw a future with, you’re a stranger I was willing to love with all my heart, you’re a stranger with memories that will remain engraved in my heart and you’re a stranger who I once talked to about other strangers. You’re a stranger who knows exactly what I’ll do to get over you and how I will pretend to be fine when I see you but when I go home I will cry myself to sleep. You’re a stranger who knows where I escape to heal myself because you were once my sweet escape and you once healed me. Now you’re a stranger who I have to pretend never moved me, that your touch never mended my broken heart, that your words never soothed my wounded soul, that your smile never brightened up my day, that your strength never lifted me up when I was down, that your eyes never made me forget all my worries and that your presence in my life never saved mine. You’re now a stranger who I once believed will never be – who promised he will never be. You’re now a stranger who said he was different but then turned out to be like everyone else."

[jowisissimo]

Thank You For Leaving Me When You Did

"I'll admit it. I was absolutely devastated when you left. That first night, I cried my heart out to the point that I couldn't breathe. My lungs felt like they were going to collapse from the pain. My whole body was shaking from the mind-numbing sobs. It felt like a miracle my heart didn't give up on me. I honestly don't even remember falling asleep that night. I just remember the pain, that awful soul-wrenching pain. I wish I could say that it all ended that night but it didn't. Nor did it end the next night, or the next week, or even the next month. In fact, it didn't end for quite awhile. I just couldn't believe that you had left me. Not a single part of me wanted to believe it, but there it was, that harsh, cold, and undeniable truth kicking me in the stomach every day. No more phone calls until sunrise. No more spontaneous trips around town. No more kisses on lazy afternoons. No more good morning texts. No more good night texts. No more I miss yous. No more I love yous. My whole world came crashing down when you left me. You have no idea how much that hurt. It probably wasn't easy for you either. Maybe it was. I'll never know, but what I do know is that you leaving me almost destroyed me. As crazy as it sounds, I truly thought that you were the one. You were everything I ever wanted, the answer to my every prayer, the wish granted by every star I ever wished upon, the coin tossed in every wishing well. What I realize now is that you may have been the one I've always wanted but you weren't the one I truly needed. When I was done grieving your loss, that's when all the anger started to settle in. This was the time when I hated you with everything that I've got. The sight of you infuriated me. Hearing your name sparked the brightest of all the flames. All I could think of was how disgusting you were. The questions in my head multiplied, but this time, these were questions brought about by pure fury. How could you do this to me? How could you be so selfish and horrible? How could you take back all the promises you ever made? How could you lie to me and make me look like an absolute fool? What did I ever see in you to make me love you? This was the worst of times, even worse than the crying. I probably called you every cruel name under the sun and I said a lot of mean things about you to my friends. I'm sorry for that. I really am. You didn't deserve that. No one does. I only realized this once the flames were dying and I started seeing the monster I was becoming. If you were truly the one, even if you left, I shouldn't have turned into that person. That was the moment when I realized you leaving me was the only right thing you could have done. I was just in denial that you were the right one for me. You left before we had gone way too deep and we were in the point of no return. I guess you realized it and ended things. Looking back now, it surprises me how it took me awhile to realize how you really weren't the one. I was never your real priority. You gave me all your love and attention when it was convenient for you. You would only chase me when you knew I was on the brink of leaving. You took me for granted. You didn't try hard anymore when I was finally yours. Everything was always more important than me. I was only in your world because I was your favorite shiny trophy. Don't get me wrong, I know you loved me and you were always loyal. I just don't think you loved me for the right reasons. Once I realized this, I was thankful you left. I was thankful that you left me when you did. You leaving gave me time to myself and grow as a person. You leaving me gave me time to fall in love with the person I should have from the beginning—myself. Being with you made me realize that I should have loved and respected myself enough to know that I didn't need you to have an amazing life. I thought I was nothing without you, but really what I needed to realize was that I was already everything without you. They say that people will only have 3 purposes in your life. They're either problems, solutions to those problems, or lessons. Clearly, you were always just a lesson—one heck of an amazing one! You taught me so much. You taught me that I deserved more than you, someone who'd never take me for granted. I deserve someone who always inspires me to be better, someone who truly, madly, deeply, and irrevocably loves me. I deserve someone who would never give up on me, someone who would never leave when the going gets tough like you did. I don't know when I'll find that guy but I know I will. And until then, I just have to continue being a better person. In the end, I really just want to say thank you for being the wrong guy I needed at the best time possible. Thank you for all the memories, good or bad. It's cliché, I know, but I am really thankful you came in life. Whatever force in the universe brought us together, I thank them sincerely. There is nothing I regret. I'm thankful that I was part of your story and you in mine, even if it was just for a little while. I'm thankful that I was the wrong girl for you for all the right reasons. And one day, I hope you find the right girl for you. So again for the last time thank you for leaving me when you did. I wouldn't have had it any other way."

[jowisissimo]

*drops mic*