I'M IN LOVE WITH A FAIRYTALE
Synopsis: You can't be happy forever. Especially not you.
Contains: Nightmares, supernatural activity, mild surrealism, mild gore, blood, dissociation, nausea, starvation, multiple attempts at suicide, mildly implied religious abuse, implied torture, vomit, mentions of harassment and suicide, reader overthinks a lot, reader assumes stuff a lot, reader is once again jealous of Amane (I swear I love the guy but reader has #otherideas), heavy angst? (idk different people have different ideas of angst), whump, no comfort, suicide, major yet canonical character death etc.
A.n: I've been struggling with mental health and exams and stuff, hence the unannounced hiatus. Also my apartment building went on fire, author's curse is real it seems :P. I feel kinda bad coming back with a no-comfort and angsty chapter :\.
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I'm in love with a fairytale
Even though it hurts
'Cause I don't care if I lose my mind
I'm already cursed
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Y̸̮͕͚͔̥͖̿̄̓́͑̒͑̕ó̵̡̏̕͘͝ū̷̢͙͚̮̫̩̅̾̂͛͐̏̕ ̴̺͓̥̊͛a̸̲̹͌̐̑́r̷̡̡̤͍͙̹̠̟̟͍̃̔̅͒̈̓̎ẻ̵͖͖̼̤̩̮̬̄̈̔̏̄̃͂ ̴̧̘̳̞̖͎̗͇̭̀́́̀́͠ũ̵̹̾n̸̫͖͚̽͒̈́̎͘w̶̥̯̿͒͋̾̈̎͌͋̈́̆o̶͓̼̰̣̼̽͜ṛ̷̢͇̳̪̇͘ͅṱ̷̘̪̗̙̺̐͆́̾̐̃̅̈́̔̌h̷͕͉̗̎͑̊̚͠y̴̨̨̞̺̰̖̫̠̔͛͋̅̕̕͜ ̴̩͙̭͙̏̄͒͛̄̓̽̓͝o̴̭͉͔̪̍̅͂̄́̈͘f̸͎̱̩̼̘͆̌̑̒͘͝ ̸̧̹̼͉̙͇̰͌̂ͅḩ̵̤̮̟͓͈͎̮̩̟̅̿̇ư̵̛̱̆͛̓̊̓m̵̢̩̽͗̚a̶̡͙̥̰͕͓̯̠̖͒̓͗̽̆͐̿̾̅̑͜ǹ̸̪̏̈͆͝ ̴̦̺̓j̶̣̟͍͛͑͘͝o̶̡̳̠̖̓̓͗͝y̷͕͚͕̤̎͛̃̕͜͝
̴̰̖̘̣̳̭̹̖̈́̐̃̈́̋̕͝͝Y̷͎̙͙͎͉̩̲̖̫̌͒̀ö̶̢̳́͘͜û̶̧͉̫̖̜͇͙̩ ̶͇̺͉̼͙̮̗̆̓̍ẇ̷̡̡̮̪̺͕͖́̅̑͋̑̃̑ì̷̙̲̗̳̺͙͎̅̑͝l̴̮̪̹͇̬͗̈́͐̔̈̓̚͝͝ḻ̵̜̦͙̥̻̤͍̐̆̇̅ ̸̢̰̤̫͇̭̭̟̃͜ͅb̶̢̓͠ę̶̬̼̗̖̥̼̰̺̬̀͆̚ ̵̧̗̤̠̼̮̞̃͂̆̿̑͋͆̃͆̕͜c̸̬͉̮̝̠͈̫̼̖̗̐̏̏̓̊̕͠u̷̺̭̓͐̓̀́̓̓͗͝ͅr̷̼̋̅̓͒̐s̷̛̜͋̎̒̔́́ȅ̴͉̲̦̫̣̘̓͂̍̍ḓ̶̨̺̙̱͈̌̾ ̷̡̨̛̰͕̤͇͓̊͋̉͌̈̀̈́́̓͜f̶̦̝̠̱̯͙̩̤̙̍̐͠o̶̡͎̓̅͑͜ȑ̵̦̦́́̇̋́͐̀ ̷̫̮͕̂̂̑̿̆͒̕͠͝a̴̡̫͂l̵͖̗̀̑͒͛́͋͜l̵̛͉̲̤̥͇̮̤̹̅̽͌ ̶̛̳͖̣͎͑̒̓̌ỏ̵̻͍͎̥͓f̸̡͍̬̜̝͍̾͒̋͗̉̀͘͝ ̵̠̲̬̞̗͍͆͗̑e̸͈̜̺͕̜͛t̶͚̲̦͎̼͎̣̐̓͠͠ḛ̶̳͇͎̥͗̇͜͜r̸̰̗̻̲͇̩̼̎̂͑̑̂̅͑̊͝ṉ̵̹̥̘͋̓͆̔̅̿͋̋͘̕i̵͕̓͂̆̈̌̈́͆̔̿̕t̷̫̅̎̋͑͋͘͝ỳ̴̼̇̇̈
̴͕̅̍̾W̸̻̥̣̜͎̰̹͓̑͛̍̆͋͑ͅa̶̱̠̯̦͕̬̪̜̽̉̒͐͜ẗ̶͖̺͔̖̻̤͚̯̫̔̉͂̚͜c̵̲̭̎͑̉̓͆̇̄̚h̶͍̋͝ ̴̧̟̤͔̬̅ǫ̷̧͓̥͓͍͙̲̈́̍̍͛̍͛͂̄͠͝ų̴̡͕͕͉̝̝́̇͋̌t̶̫̫̟̗̦̆̉̅͒̃̇̂̌͘͘ ̴̨̟̠̺͎̲̰̩̳̘͘f̵̮̪̒͋̊̒̚ơ̶̝̈́̉͊̀̅̀̊̕ͅr̵͖͔̓̕ ̶̨̡͖̜̬̰̳̣͛͐ȩ̵̮̗̦̬̦̼̹̒̈́̅̔̎͐̊͆͝ͅv̵̱͍̥̮̬́̕͜e̶̛̛̥͕̺͓͇͓̓̿̓̄͆̕̚ṙ̶̺̼̻̠́̄̀̈́̔̚͝ͅy̶̝̪͑ ̸̺̝̻̠̳͠m̴̧̭̩̣͎̖̤͉̗̳͒͠ò̵͕̰̹̼̳͔̝̘͊͗͠m̸͔̠̘̑̆̈́͝ȩ̶̝̣̝͌̀̈́̔̀̎̕̚n̸̢̘̳̈͝t̷̢͉̯̭̫͓̠͎̂͆ ̷̡̭͎̝̠̥͔̃̊̔̃́̓́̕͠͠ȯ̷̧̮͠ͅf̷̟̭̬̅͊͂͂ ̸̛̼̫͉̭̘̜̐̈́̉̾̊̄̀̽ͅḥ̴̡̯̭̠͕̱̝͖̅̈́̏̌͆̈́̚͝͠a̸̟͑̃͌̓͑̕p̶̝̼̥̝͚̰̦̀̎ͅp̸̤͕͕͗̃̀́͝i̸̢͙̫̘͈̔̅͊̐̈́̇̕̚̚͝n̷͈̄͂̎͛̇̔̈́͒͗̕ę̶͋̎̏̀͘̕͠s̴͍̪͎̤̞͔̯̮̻̻̃̀͛̅s̷̡͇̬̩̗̳̓̆ͅ ̵̭̗̠̬̘̂̅͜f̴̛̤̬̤͓͈̼̂͜ͅö̴̮̭̳̠́͋̅͛͂̓̃̐͠͝ͅṟ̸̢̨͖̱͌̑̈̃͜ ̸̧̡̹̬̬̩̺̯̥̦̓͛͆̒̽͘ì̷̛̺̘̲̯͈̦̘̼̞͌̐̓t̴̢͕̲̯̄̍͊̓̃̕̕ ̸̢̫̜̰͙̿̒͂̋̀͠í̴̍͝ͅs̴͕̐ ̸̜̘̬̙̭̞̮͑̉͐̇̈́͐̂̈͆͘͜m̷̡͖͇̤͈̘̮̀ͅę̸̪̤̙͙̜͕͙̯̩͋̑͆́̓̔̈̄͘͘r̴̨͓̳͈̫̝̅̑̐̒̄̚̕ȩ̶̥̹̥̗̣̭̟̳̿̔ļ̵̛̦͍͉̰̀͑̃̚̚͘͘͝͠y̶͍͂̍͑͆́́͘͘͝ ̸̛̞͍̲͖̖͕̪͒̓̅͑̂͊ä̸̢̘̣̱̻̖̺͖̲́͗̆ ̵̢̧̧̛̪̮̹̻̝͇̩̊̒͂̒̆͗c̵̖̝̣̦͍͔̫͆̉͐̍͊̾͘͠͠u̶̗̜̯͉̠͙̣͛̉̋̇̄̚͘ṛ̶̨̧͓̗̘̣̼̮͊̕͘t̵͔͎̝̜͈̉͒̆̊̿a̴̢̖̳̲̰̮̼̹̻̿̋̈́̄͜į̶̛͔̩̰͚͖̬͐̽̉̅̅̊͌͗͝ń̷̨̺̻̟̜̭̝̖̃̑̿̈̓͊ ̶̨͙̟̾͊̅͛̓̾̋ȟ̷̯̎̕i̸̡̛̙̫̳͉̝̺̘͔̮͋̿̀̾̎͘͝͝d̷̻͉̬̩̗͑̔̍̏͒̅̕ǐ̴̼̥̠̾n̶̹̮͖̳͔̘͚̐͑̊̈́̈g̶̨̡̛̦͓͉̠̰̩̪̈́͛̔́̈́͠͝͝ͅ ̵̡̻͙̗̌̓̿͂̀t̴̻̯̎̍͒͗̓̿h̶̡̠͚͖̳͚̕͜è̵͇̺̼̼̦̃̇̿̍̌̚ ̶͛͜ẖ̴̥̅̔͆̃̀̎̃̓͐a̶͖̜̞͔̤͖̼̜̹̞̋̌͛́̈́̆̈́̔͑̏r̸̡̢̠̼̦̗̈̓̀̆͒̀̂͒͘͘s̵̡̛͎͚̪̜̈́̅͒̎͊͂̚͝͝h̸̠̹͉͇̞͕̖͆̎͌̂̏̽̐͘͠ ̸̫̻̮̮̥͉̠̯̗͒̈͘ͅṱ̶̢̛̳̥͌͂͘r̶͓̱̈͒̏̔͆̏̃͒̂̇u̷̳͈̣͕̠̞̮̟͌̃ͅt̷̨̡̠͇̖͓͓̀̀͌͊̌̓̕͜h̶̲̦̟͔͈̘̯̝͎̗̑̈́̆̓́͌̍̅̈
Perfect petals fluttered and danced about before landing softly on the grassy ground — like an ensemble of lovely ballerinas. A grandiose yet majestic cherry tree was right behind the pair of you, looming over like the most gorgeous canopy of all. If it had been a little brighter, there would've been a massive shadow caused by it — but it was rather dim, rather gloomy. It was chilly and windy, and the sky was so invaded with blues and greys a storm seemed inevitable. Yet it was calm. The eerie yet unusually comforting calm before the storm; it was a lot like a thin sheer curtain.
You could still see through it, especially something obvious, but sometimes people pretended to not see.
But you didn't mind the glum weather. It was pleasantly cool, and most importantly quiet.
Peaceful. Normal. Just him and you and you and him, sitting all alone under a pretty tree. No one else. Nothing else.
The perfect normal life of a real human.
And even if it did rain, you two could simply go inside your home; you both were only in the backyard, and a rather large and beautiful one at that. With the grass kept neat and trimmed, which nevertheless swished in the cool wind. And it still contained it's natural comfort, with flowers blooming and blossoming in all the right places. Not too elaborately but neither very simplistically — the balance was perfect and lovely.
It was even lovelier as Tsukasa wrapped his arms around you — one arm around your waist and the other's palm splayed across your back. He let out a soft noise, something between a sleepy murmur and a low hum, as his face snuggled into the crook of your neck. And no matter how many times he would do this — or any other affectionate gesture — the same fuzzy, pleasurable warmth still spread across your very being. It was like pouring sweet, warm honey.
His hair had that gentle, cozy, yet clean smell of shampoo, and his breath was warm and sweet. You nuzzled into his head, inhaling the scent as you embraced him tightly, and you could feel his warm ticklish breath against your neck
There was a soft twinkling sound, one you enjoyed but didn't pay that much attention to. Because as expected — a drop of cool rainwater fell on your head. You sighed. You had to go back inside, and leave your eden of equanimity. Oh well, it's not like your home was less comforting.
"We need to get inside now Tsukasa, it's gonna rain — probably even storm".
You loosened your grip on Tsukasa, and he slipped off rather easily. But he didn't respond and his face stayed hidden, turned to the side.
You frowned.
"Tsukasa? We need to go inside. We can just cuddle in bed y'know. Or eat some jam-filled donuts".
He remained silent and unmoving. You reached for him, but then let out a choked gasp as the ground beneath you crumbled and gave away.
Fuck.
Dread and shock consumed you as you swung your limbs about wildly, trying to grab onto the air as you fell into nothingness.
Oh no. Oh god. Oh no. Why are you even calling for god anyway? God did this to you.
God condemned you and sentenced you to this fate.
You jolted up and landed with crash on to the floor, the carpet just barely cushioning your fall.
What?
What on earth-
Where were you? What?
Unless the whole world was having their colours mixed like runny marker ink, your vision was spinning. Your chest heaved as you tried to feel the ground with your hands, and hoped that it wouldn't fall apart as well. The twinkling sound of your alarm was more like a cacophony — like a nursery rhyme playing in the middle of a cemetery.
Your top was stuck to your body in cold sweat, and the lingering dregs of immense panic still resided in your chest. You winced as your body ached, and your head felt like someone swung at it with a baseball bat.
And embarrassingly, tears couldn't help but form at the corner of your eyes. But your current predicament continued to be the most mortifying.
"Well, you should've expected that. It already told you you're not human anymore".
You didn't need to turn your head to look at her, you already knew who it was from by the voice.
Minori.
And you knew it wasn't a dream this time. Unless you've been dreaming for two days straight.
"Heaven and hell may not exist, but karma sure does".
But you did wish this was a dream.
———
"Some of you may already be aware of this, especially due to how high-scale and outright petrifying this incident is, but several 2nd and 3rd year students from the Kamome Middle School division have faced a great misfortune. They have either gone missing or have gotten murdered."
You had expected the crowds of students to erupt with gasps and hushed gossip. However, there were only a few near inaudible exclamations of shock and murmurs, probably out of respect for the dead — which surprised you because you didn’t think they were capable of that decency. But everyone seemed to collectively agree that if someone died they died, and if someone went missing it was accepted that they were dead too, simply waiting for their bodies to be discovered.
The entire school was in the assembly hall, gathered for a kind of memorial. Large banners of semi-censored images of students were at the very front, with large bundles of flowers placed nearby. School had opened right after the weekends — in your opinion the break was rather short. Only one day off? But then again it was combined with the weekends; it still seemed pretty less anyhow.
The head teacher continued with his speech, his usual stoic expression having more aspects of solemnity.
"It is heavily suspected that the murders and disappearances are connected, and they are apart of a larger and more malicious scheme. We strongly urge all students to be constantly on guard and remain vigilant".
But it's not like this event mattered all too much to you — you had tuned out most of the shallow speeches the teachers and student council members were giving about staying safe both in and out of school, and how this will never happen again.
Just a bunch of empty promises, attempting to save the people from worry, but never from actual threats. The very students within these halls have got harassed and assaulted, sometimes even driven to suicide. Only for the entire thing to be hushed up. But there's no way to cover this up, or else they would most definitely have done that.
But you were more worried if they found you or Tsukasa suspicious in any shape or form. You being suspicious made a lot of sense — since you just happened to be the only member of a large friend group that didn’t have something horrible happen to them. That and you had killed the only other living member of the friend group. Tsukasa just looked like a random guess.
But that wasn’t really all that was bugging you.
"Are you feeling all right, (Surname)-san?"
A calm gentle voice broke through the wall of your malignant thoughts. You turned around to see a classmate of yours. The person looked worried yet composed.
Your body had been unnaturally still and your palms sweaty. Your eyes had that one look people get when they're lost in an another world far, far away.
More like lost in the endless depths of hell.
Nevertheless, you replied with something that would soothe — more like appease — the person. You doubted opening up to them would be of help. They couldn’t really assist in any way, and neither would they ever understand.
No one would understand, and no one has to.
"…yes, I'm alright. Thank you for asking".
You cringed as your voice still cracked despite your efforts. But you couldn’t be blamed here — your throat felt so dry and rough.
Your classmate didn’t look convinced, but luckily they didn’t insist any further. Thank goodness someone here has some sense of tact, but you couldn’t be talking.
There was seemingly no other choice than slowly sinking into your despair.
What worsened it all was no matter how thoroughly you scrutinized the room, you couldn’t find him anywhere.
There was no trace of Tsukasa, almost as if he were a ghost.
The rest of the school day had passed in it's usual dull, formulaic manner — except for the rabble of your pitying classmates right in front of your desk. They buzzed with shallow sympathies and compassion that were merely there for decorum.
" (Surname)-chan I just heard about all this, are you okay!?"
"I'm very sorry about this incident, how could this happen?"
"All of them dead? Goodness…"
"I'm scared…"
It felt sickening. You felt sick.
All of them so desperate to be saints, not once wondering if their presence or their help is actually wanted.
They don't actually care. They only care about manners and polite smiles. If they did they wouldn't go back to normal the very next day or so.
You would rather they weren't trying to talk to you at all; you would've preferred that they ignored you entirely. Then you wouldn't be obligated to return every one of their superficial etiquette with your own insincerity.
It felt so painfully exhausting, you genuinely felt nauseous. Your head spun like a humming top and it felt like someone slammed it against a surface repeatedly. You hadn't slept well, because you just couldn't fall sleep.
"Good. I hope the memory of your sins keep you awake forever".
Her voice reached your ear, yet you didn't turn back nor reply.
When you had first started to hear it — the morning after your night-out with Tsukasa — you had reacted far strongly. You froze in place, before immediately dashing to your room — your eternal safe haven — with a scream, and locking the door.
And you don't remember when you came out. You don't even know why you didn't come out, since she had appeared in there as well to torment you. And eventually you grew used to it. There wasn’t really anything else you could do.
But you still felt that feeling. Something that made you want to crumble to the floor and curl up and cover your eyes with your eyes as the world fades out of existence.
It's not even like it existed to begin with. This isn't even real.
"True, however the emotions and fantasies and desires you feel are very much real".
Oh whatever — it doesn't matter.
"Wh- (Surname)-san where are you going!?"
Unable to contain this any longer, you stood up, pushed everyone away and rushed to the bathroom.
On your way, others saw you in your feverish, sickened state. But it didn't matter anyways. You heard their voices call out to you, but you couldn't make out their words. They were like gibberish hums.
The entrance to the girl's bathroom finally graced your vision, and a small sense of gratitude and relief washed over you. It was quickly replaced by heaviness though.
The door ripped open and slammed shut as you entered. You just hoped no one else was in here. You didn't want anyone seeing you like this.
You stormed and stumbled towards a clean empty compartment, and vomited into the toilet. Tears fell down your face as the stomach acid stung your throat. You were surprised you could even throw up. You hadn't eaten anything for who knows how long. You waited until you finally gagged out all of the sickness, your face green and sweaty.
"How are you still alive with that massive lack of sleep, food and wat- Oh wait, never mind".
Minori and her cold, empty and monotone voice had followed you in here. As usual. You almost felt like strangling her again, if you could.
"Of course you do. Well, go on then. Try it".
Almost.
Instead you shakily picked yourself up and walked over to the sink to clean your face and your mouth. The cold stream of water only welcomed you momentarily, before stinging and burning your hands with it's overwhelming chill.
You couldn't strangle her. You hated that feeling of pulse right underneath your hands as it slowly ticked away until stopping. Stopping at the unnatural time it wasn't supposed to.
And worst of all Tsukasa wasn't even here.
He was never there, was he?
Other than Minori, what bothered you was that after that night-out the two of you had, Tsukasa hasn’t been in contact with you at all.
He didn’t answer any of your calls, neither did he send you any. You were actually eager about phone calls for once. You wanted — you needed — some help and comfort. Some explanation to what on earth was going on with your life. You felt like he would know, like he would offer — well — something to make it better. Anything.
He didn’t even come and visit you over the weekends. He said he would come over. He said he would call.
He said he loved you.
You felt a twinge of despair and melancholy as your lips thinned at the possibilities why he suddenly got so distant. None of them were really good.
Maybe he just suddenly got sick? The weather was cold, and he hadn’t been wearing proper clothes either.
Or maybe — envy and annoyance struck you — he had been spending time with Amane-kun?
He did say Amane was lonely so he'd keep him company quite often. Perhaps he considered you second place to him? Perhaps Amane-kun mattered more to Tsukasa?
That did make sense — a lot of sense. Your fears of you merely being backup were never really pacified after all. Tsukasa did say it made him happier you wanted to go to the festivals with him, since dear Amane didn't want to go.
Or maybe he got cold feet about you? Changed his mind? He did say your wish was somewhat granted. His job was done, no?
You hid your face in your hands, shook your head lightly — hoping that no one alive entered the bathroom. Honestly you never thought of it like this — probably since you got too lost in ecstasy — he only came to you to grant you a wish. That was all there was, wasn’t it?
Your nails dug into your wrist as you held it under the forgotten stream of running water. Your foot wouldn't stop tapping on the floor.
Sure, you two know a little bit about each other — but that opened up to worse possibilities. Tsukasa had seemingly never opened up to anyone else; he doesn’t have any genuine, loving and sincere bonds nor connections. What if he just came to you out of the need for emotional intimacy? What if when you mortifyingly clung to him in that classroom, he realized you were vulnerable, and you too sought someone's affection?
What if he just took advantage of it all, and now that he's done granting your wish and getting all the love he needed he's left you?
Reluctant pearls of tears pricked at the side of your eyes as you felt something suffocating stuck in your throat. You sloppily wiped your eyes, which only made more tears spill out. You threw some water at your face — which sloppily sprayed on your uniform — and wiped it. You just kept your face in your hands, and you were glad that Minori's voice had quietened temporarily.
Goodness, all you wanted was to sink into floor — to disappear this very second.
Everything just seemed to feel horrible, your head seemed to be clouded with all the negativity in the world. Shame, disbelief, upset.
Strangely enough not any hatred, nor any anger — not at Tsukasa anyways.
You couldn't bring yourself to hate the one you love. And perhaps this was divine retribution for your crimes. For everything you've done. For everything you are.
Your head hurt. Everything hurt.
God, you hated living. But god knew that already.
You had hoped it's words — and their words — weren’t true but you've been running away from the truth for too long.
You were not human. You will not be able to live a normal life. Especially since you had already taken a life.
The mirror showed you your reflection, which was rather faint. You wiped your wet face with a handkerchief, and tried to pat the wet patches in your uniform to dry them.
You heard people murmuring as they tentatively entered the bathroom, and you groaned.
Two girls entered, with wary and concerned faces. Their whispers came to a halt as they observed you from far away, while you just stared back blankly. There was an awkward silence, except for the tap running.
One of them finally spoke up.
"Um, (Surname)-san, are you alright? You look rather unwell".
Obviously. Why are they so surprised and confused? It's only logical someone isn't all sunshine and rainbows after all their friends died, even though that wasn’t exactly the reason why you weren’t well.
"Of course I'm fine, best I've been my whole life!" you blurted out sarcastically before you could stop yourself. They gasped in disbelief, backing away slightly like you were swinging around a gun.
What did it matter anyways, what did you have left to lose? Tsukasa — whether he genuinely cared about you or not — did free you to some extent.
You didn't have to be a puppet. It was your choice.
"(Surname)-san, you're acting very strangely — we're just here to help and offer support!"
You didn't have to put up with anyone. Especially not people who didn't understand when people want some space to themselves.
"It would help me more if you left me alone. I don't want to talk. I want to be alone." you phrased out much more clearly.
But there wasn’t much point in acting wildly and aggressively. If you truly want peace from others, you will in turn have to act peacefully.
The pair of girls looked somewhat offended, yet they didn’t protest. From the fleeting yet sour look they gave you before murmuring something and leaving told you that they weren’t really content. A few rumours may fly around and you might get lots of stares and pointing fingers; but it didn’t matter. You couldn’t control what others thought or did, and therefore you shouldn’t have to bother yourself with it so much. It was far out of your control.
It took you long — way too long — to realize it. You didn’t need to conform to norms or anything at all to begin with.
Of course going against expectations causes pain and difficulty. Everything in life does. If you truly want to live, you're going to have to suffer and struggle and little bit. As much as it's bothersome, life would be nothing without it's difficulty.
Of course it's okay to be afraid of pain and challenges. Especially since all the students Tsukasa killed were fearsome in how cruel they were. Being yourself now will result in rumours at worse. You don't want to imagine what the others would've done yo you if you acted like this.
Perhaps you'd be the one who'd end up dead and deceased. Tsukasa made it safer for you — he can't completely erase all your pain but he can reduce them.
Even if it seemed like he just used and abandoned you.
You shook your head, and went back to the tap to collect some water to splash on your face. The tap had been running this entire time, which made you cringe a bit at the huge waste. Nevertheless you wiped your face, and looked at yourself in the mirror.
Did Tsukasa actually do anything?
Well, he did suddenly become very distant without any explanation. And he was acting oddly after the theme park.
But you couldn’t just make assumptions and get obsessed with them. Tsukasa using you is simply a possibility. You're just gonna ask him when you find him — it's not like he's gonna disappear forever.
"But what if he do-"
You viciously splashed water at her, teeth gritting in the frustration that you didn't have something sturdier to throw at her. Your eye twitched, especially as the water went right through her, and she remained as unfazed and monotone as ever.
You hated that you couldn’t hurt her the same way her words struck a nerve within you. She was a lot like god. She made every moment worst if she wished to, but she herself was untouchable.
All you could do was scream and yell. Not that it got anything out of Minori either.
"He won't- no he won't! He won't just disappear! He can't just disappear!"
There was really no point in it. All you got from her was nonchalance. Instead it was you who had got even more hysterical.
With a final frustrated scream, you stomped out of the bathroom, eyes shiny and watery. No one was nearby somehow. Thankfully you were alone.
But you really wondered how you were meant to just go back to your classroom like nothing happened. Or look at anyone in the eye even though you haven’t done anything particularly wrong to them.
Well you didn’t have to go back to your classroom. It was a free period. But what else could you do? You hadn't brought anything to eat or drink, so no enjoying lunch.
Wait.
Your brows furrowed, yet you weren’t really upset. It was quite the opposite — you were illuminated with hope.
Tsukasa has lots of friends. Why not just ask some of them about him? Maybe you could figure something out about his disappearance!
After all, your life won't be one worth living without him. That's the one thing you'll never be able to accept.
———
You have sinned by being selfish and deceitful.
Your very being is of greed and envy.
Will you atone and reach Nirvana?
Or will the vicious cycle continue to whirl?
For you have taken a life, and shown your disregard to them.
This will not go freely without consequences. Without karma.
This was a tad bit frustrating.
Actually, it was very frustrating. You had spent several minutes hunting through the entire Kamome Middle School division. You did find some of Tsukasa's friends, but they were all either just as unaware as you, or they gave you a short and worried glance and ran off.
How quickly do rumours even spread? Was this odd behaviour caused by false gossip? What even was the rumour to begin with — to have such an effect on people? You just asked for some space, the most you expected was talk of you being cold and aloof.
You had trekked the entire building and it's yards and gardens, and had ended up on the rooftop. It was deserted entirely, which made you groan and flop down on to a nearby bench. You arched your back, draped your arms around the seat, closed your eyes, leaned back — anything to make the tough and sturdy lump of wood more comfy. It's not like they were built for people to sleep on them, but they were supposed to be enjoyable and relaxing.
The sky was rather dim, yet not really dark. It was that colour drainage that occurred in the winter. And even though the sun was up, it was just barely as bright compared to the summer afternoons.
It felt so cold. Even though you usually liked the cold.
"Um, (Surname)-chan?"
A soft male voice called out for you. He had tones of hesitancy yet politeness in his tone. There was something strangely grim about it.
"Hm?"
It was the same way one would speak at a funeral.
"C-can I talk to you for a second? I heard you were asking about Tsukasa-kun?"
Your eyes snapped open, and your head whirled to face the boy. He had a small, nervous look on his face, and his foot tapped repeatedly on the floor. There weren’t any hints of ill-intent, and he didn’t look like he was lying or up to something. You decided he was trustworthy.
"Do you know if-" he interrupted you midway through, rather breathlessly. He just wouldn’t look you in the eye.
"Um uh… I think it's best if you come over nearer to the railing with me". You frowned, confused.
"Why? What's wrong with just sitting here?"
"Well-" he started, genuinely looking like he didn’t want to be here. He paused a bit, phrasing his words as carefully as he can. It was like he was tiptoeing around them, like one would in a heavily booby-trapped room.
Was he planning on pushing you off the off the roof? Otherwise you couldn’t make sense of him.
"There'll be more fresh air near there, you know? I just- feel like it would create… a more suited atmosphere" he forced out finally. He was still avoiding your gaze.
Your throat felt dry, and you could almost hear your heart beat in fear and anticipation. Why was he acting so strange?
What had happened to Tsukasa?
"Why!? What's going on, did something happen to-"
"(Surname)-chan, please!" he burst out anxiously. "I would like to get this over with as quickly as possible, and-and wouldn’t you as well? You want to know what happened with Tsukasa-kun right? Let's just finish this quickly. Please".
And without another word, he rushed over to the railing. Not only were you fearful, you were also bewildered. What on earth was going on?
Left with no other choice, you went over to him. Blood thundered through your veins as your breathing grew heavier.
Something bad had happened. That's all you knew. Something terrible had happened.
And as much as you were sharp enough to guess accurately, you really didn’t want to.
Even though you were next to him, he still refused to look at you. The boy's face was conflicted, but he had already made a decision.
He inhaled deeply, slowly. "I- um- so- (Surname)-san, you probably knew Tsukasa a little bit yes?"
You nodded stiffly. You had to resist the urge to snap at him and tell him to get to the point.
"So you might have known that, uh, he's not…. the closest to his family".
"Yes.. Go on…"
"And I- um- I'm sorry- I'm sorry-" he broke off, covering his face in his hands.
Oh no.
Oh no no no no no-
Stop-
"Tsukasa-kun has died" the boy choked out finally.
Oh, how you wished everything just stopped. You couldn’t handle this. You couldn’t even process this.
"I- how!?"
Your voice cracked. Tears pricked at your eyes again. Your tone of voice was of someone who didn’t want to believe how quickly their life was crumbling.
All this time you were trying to find the reason behind Tsukasa's disappearance. Making guesses, trying to find reason. You were horrified at some of the assumptions. But never did you once think that he died. That was a limit — the limit.
And the fact that you thought he had used and abandoned you. Just having assumed such a thing made you curl up with shame. Tsukasa could never.
Your own hand clamped you mouth shut as a hysterical laugh escaped. There was something lodged in your throat. Your pupils were dilated, the black dot widening to eat away at all the (e/c).
You could never have imagined such a horror. Because it wasn’t supposed to happen. This wasn’t supposed to happen. A violation of nature. A violation of you. This wasn’t normal.
Something had occurred. Something changed the course of future. Something had fractured fate.
The boy opened his mouth, yet all that exited was a shaky exhale. His bottom lip shook just slightly. He shook his head before attempting to leave. And as much as anything more would just hurt you further, you wanted to know.
He was forced to stop in his tracks. You had grabbed grabbed his wrist tightly with your free hand, and tugged him back.
"Please, just tell me — how!? What happened to him-"
"It was Amane-kun!"
And with every moment, things just seem to get worse.
He looks back at you, finally facing you fully. His teary face was revealed at last.
Before you could gasp out the many questions in your head, he continued. You had coaxed the harsh truth out of him. He can’t just stop midway in the destruction.
"Tsukasa-kun's own brother, Yugi Amane, killed him. The whole Yugi family is dead. Deceased — gone. The bodies were just found today — some hours ago — but the news spread like wildfire".
Your life won't be worth living without Tsukasa. You had told him that yourself. You could teach yourself to accept anything — your parents' neglect, judgement from society, yourself — anything. Anything but this.
You couldn’t accept this.
And that was why after you freed the boy and he ran off in tears, you finally gave up. You had had enough.
That was why shrill screams and shocked gasps and horrified tears echoed across the school. As your blood and bones and flesh splattered across the field. Your body met the soft ground of the garden with a sharp, heavy thud — one that seemed to reverberate for the next few years. Your shoes were found discarded on the rooftop, silently remaining as the loudest proof.
And for the next few days, weeks, months — rumours circulated like always. It was expected, really. Whispers and murmurs circling the question: "Why had she committed suicide?"
Speculations rose and fell, logic and random guesses blended together. And as the years passed, it all twisted like the thorny vines of a wild rosebush.
But little did they all know, the girl hadn’t actually died.
Actually did she die?
Normal living beings — humans in particular — die. The girl wasn’t human. She wasn’t even of this world, yet she craved it so dearly. For another chance at humanity. But she had failed and sinned even further.
Which was why even as her blood drenched the fields red, and her pulse halted, her consciousness remained.
———
A cluster of pills laid in your palm. Red, orange, yellow, green, and blue — a colourful rainbow.
Rainbows aren’t meant to be swallowed. But you still did anyways. Stuffed your mouth full with more colours than you could count. Gulped it down with ice-cold water. Wheezed and spluttered as the large amount of pills got stuck in your throat.
It was so strange wasn’t it? How you weren’t alive but you still felt pain and discomfort. How your body would still fight to keep you alive.
There wasn’t any point in it anyways. You weren’t alive but you weren’t dead. You couldn’t die. But you couldn’t live either. You were trapped in between the two in an unknown intersection. The tiny claustrophobic gap that suffocated you.
The door to your bedroom opened. Your mother entered, and was met with the sight of you choking on the ground. But even as you desperately clawed at your own throat and thrashed about, her expression remained unfazed.
She couldn’t see it. She couldn’t help you if she wanted to.
This was your punishment. And death cannot free you of this.
You will be eternally caged in hell.
All you can do is atone. But you didn't know how.
People had already tried to "cleanse" you. All that did was create pain and suffering and death. It worsened your sentence.
And hence you couldn't but want to escape it.
Blood spurted out, colouring your face with scarlet. With every heartbeat, more and more of the fluid gushed out of the vertical cut on your wrist.
It was funny your heart was beating at all. You're not alive. So how come you have a functioning heart? Or fresh red blood? Even when you and your surroundings were so very drenched in blood, there was still somehow more left within you. The liquid just kept flowing out at a rapid pace, squirting everywhere like it was forced out of a clogged hose.
But you wouldn’t die. You couldn’t die.
Your father walked into the kitchen for a glass of water. Filled a cup with it and drank it. Walked out like nothing happened, as if the floor wasn’t so soaked with blood that the wooden floorboards would take days to clean and dry. Even though he had stepped in the puddles, and was walking away, leaving the marks everywhere.
It felt like a nightmare. No one else could help or save you. They couldn’t even notice or see.
There was no escape.
You can't remember how or when the blood stopped flowing. Neither could you remember when the horror ended, or if it ended at all.
You were still in the pool of your own blood. Maybe also your tears.
You wish you could see Tsukasa again.
You don't know why you jumped off — why you thought this time would be different.
Maybe because it actually would be.
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Rumours:
Remember what I said…this fic will be #angsty.
Reader wasn’t supposed to exist in this world. But she wants to stay in it.
The reason why Tsukasa had opened up to Reader last chapter was because he could tell he was going to get murdered soon. He wanted to be open and vulnerable with someone before he died.
Reader is an unknown supernatural creature, but is rather different from the typical Tbhk supernatural beings because she's from a different world. Hence, a lot of Tbhk facts and laws about supernaturals don't apply to her.
Due to Reader being from a different world, this world can often feel like a dream to her. Hence the surreal elements.
The reason why Reader's reflection was faint and she could see Minori's ghost was because she was a supernatural.
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Taglist: @mary-lennox-1955 @thegirlthatdoeslikemusicals @hoshi-edits @cherrrrrrrrrrrrry @keltheartist @pretty-tsukasanist
