‣ Summary: When König realizes he has feelings for you.
‣ Warnings: König is an anxious boy 🥺, mention of panic attacks, degrading thoughts
‣ Word Count: 1,452
‣ A/N: König really has a heart of gold, doesn't he? (When you ignore the spine-breaking, ruthless beast he becomes on the field). Sighhh...this sweet gentle giant deserves more love...
➼ König will immediately grow 10x more anxious around you once he realizes he has feelings for you.
• While he is a little more in tune with his emotions than someone like Ghost, it will still take him way too long to realize the depth of his feelings for you.
• He'll be pretty much oblivious, thinking that what he's feeling is just a mix of his usual anxiety and the fact that this pretty person seems to enjoy talking and spending time with him. Of course that's gonna make him extra nervous!
• Only later will the realization hit him like a freight train.
• Suddenly, he's stuttering more when he speaks around you, opting to remain mostly silent so he doesn't make a total fool of himself.
• He's visibly jittery. Between his leg constantly bouncing, his increased fiddling of whatever he gets his hands on, and the fact that he can't seem to hold eye contact with you for longer than half-a second, you begin to grow concerned.
• When you ask him about it, he freaks out, as if you'd caught him red-handed or something.
• It deeply confused you, but you tried your best to soothe him, placing a gentle hand over his.
• König flinched away from you, immediately exiting the space, and leaving you behind feeling all the more hurt, worried, and confused.
• Meanwhile, König was struggling with his overwhelming feelings for you, and the added anxiety that came along with them.
• He was so scared he'd say or do the wrong thing that would make him look bad in front of you, or worse, would upset you or make you look at him differently.
• He liked the way you looked at him. Your eyes always held such sweet tenderness and care for him. He didn't want that to change.
• But now he couldn't even truly enjoy it when you looked at him that way, or your smile, or your laughter, or your voice, or anything about you, because he was so damn anxious all the time!
• It frustrated him. Why couldn't he just act normal?
• His normal self was still pretty quiet and anxious around people, but you were different.
• With you, he felt calm and grounded. He could talk to you freely and you never judged him. In fact, you often complimented him—something he was not used to whatsoever, unless it had to do with his usefulness due to his size and strength, or his other military skills.
• With you, it was never about how useful he was. It was about who he was as a person, his special talents that he rarely shared with anyone else, even his looks—with you calling him handsome, despite the fact that you'd never seen his face before.
• He adored every bit of you so much, and he was so scared of losing what he had with you, that he found himself having near-daily panic attacks over it.
• Never had he been so frightened of losing something until you came into his life.
• He began keeping himself locked away in his room, trying to avoid what his anxiety had convinced him was inevitable...losing you.
• There was no way you'd want to be with someone like him.
• He wasn't good enough for you. There were way better people out there in the world.
• You were probably mad at him anyway since he stormed out on you the last time he saw you.
• He already messed everything up.
Was für ein Blödmann!
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
*Knock, knock*
König froze, slowly peeling his hands away from his head as he glanced up at the door. He didn't say a word, hoping if he didn't, whoever it was would leave so he could go back to panicking in peace.
"K-König? Are you there?"
Your sweet voice rang through the door. König breathed it in like a breath of fresh air, his body relaxing just slightly, as if a warm blanket had been placed over his tense shoulders.
Until his rapidly beating heart decided to ruin the moment, bringing him back to reality.
He groaned, placing his hands over his face once more.
Another small knock could be heard, followed by the doorknob being jiggled.
"Oh, you are there. Sorry if you're sleeping. I'm just worried about you, and I wanted to check on you. I-I guess I'll come back later..."
König's heart clenched at the thought of you worrying about him. It saddened him, but more importantly, it filled him with a sense of hope.
Maybe he hadn't fucked everything up...yet.
He stood from the bed, just as your footsteps began to fade away.
He reached for the doorknob and swung open the door.
"Wait!"
König quickly felt like hiding once you turned to look at him, your face morphing into something almost unreadable as you blinked at him.
Why did you seem so...shocked?
Scheiße!
He immediately closed the door upon realizing he had forgotten to put his mask on before revealing himself to you. His grip on the handle tightened, his eyes squeezed shut, no air entering or exiting his lungs as he remained still as a statue behind the door, wishing he could disappear completely.
Then came your sweet voice again; closer now, as you had positioned yourself on the opposite side of the wooden wall between you.
"König? You okay?"
König's head fell forward in resignation, his forehead hitting the door with a thump.
"No," his muffled voice answered, just loud enough for you to hear.
"I'm sorry for looking! I should've looked away…" you said.
Just as he suspected. You were completely put off by his looks. Now you were simply comforting him out of pity because you were too nice to tell him he's ugly and—
"I guess I was too shocked by...how beautiful you are."
What?
He knew by the sound of your voice that you were flustered. You really meant what you said.
Of course you did. You'd never once lied to him. He loved that about you.
He loved you.
And you just called him beautiful.
He didn't know how to respond.
The door creaked open, revealing König's nervous face. You offered him a small, reassuring smile.
"Hi."
König couldn't help the smile that began to overtake his pouted lips. You were too damn cute.
"Hi."
Silence fell between the two of you once more.
He watched as your eyes scanned over his face. This time, he let you.
"Guess I really was right, calling you handsome all this time, huh?" you joked, beaming up at him.
He couldn't take it anymore. His heart felt like it was going to explode.
"Please don't leave…" he spoke in almost a whisper.
Your eyebrows furrowed. "What? 'Course, I won't leave. Not unless you want me to."
"No, I—...You might want to be far away from me when you hear what I'm about to say. But, I don't want you to. I-I don't want to lose you. But I can't keep it from you anymore. I…" he trailed off, his throat beginning to constrict as his breathing grew more heavy.
His shoulders slumped as he sighed, looking down between the two of you.
You took a step closer, forcing him to step back enough for you to enter the room and shut the door behind you. Once inside, you took another step towards him, grabbing his hand before he could back away, keeping him tethered in place as you looked up at him.
"I won't leave," you repeated, your voice firm, but gentle.
Your thumb traced over the back of his hand, and this time, it soothed him.
You waited patiently, your eyes filled with the sweet tenderness and care he grew to cherish so much. This time, he allowed himself to get lost in it.
This time, he allowed the words to slip freely from his lips.
"I love you."
His words caused your breath to hitch, your eyes scanning over his as you processed his confession.
The silence wasn't long, but every second felt like years to König; each one making him want to curl into himself more.
He closed his eyes and awaited your rejection.
As the seconds dragged on, no words were spoken, yet a thousand were said in your following actions.
A small squeeze of his hand.
A gentle pull.
Soft lips against his scarred knuckles.
König couldn't breathe; and this time, it was in a good way.
Only when he opened his eyes again did you finally say the words aloud.
"I love you too."
• From that moment on, König was finally set at ease. Your love was the remedy to his bleeding heart; the calm to the raging storm in his mind.
• König decided then, that this time, and every time after, he'd love you fearlessly.
➼ And never would he cease in his mission to be the remedy you need.
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‣Taglist: @jslittlebirdie @alittlesmartcookie
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‣ Summary: You don't fare well when Simon is deployed. Guilt-ridden for not being able to give you what you deserve, he takes on the "noble" responsibility of leaving you for your own good. But he soon comes to realize, leaving you forever isn't that easy. Even less easy: resisting the love from you he so desperately needs.
‣ Warnings: Breakup, heartbreak, avoidant behavior, mentions of depression/anxiety/poor mental wellbeing, mentions of alcohol consumption/getting drunk (Simon), mentions of hangover/nausea, mentions of "wanting to die", Simon has a lot of issues (that only you can fix uwu)
‣ Word Count: 3,817
‣ A/N: Have a bad case of “icanfixhim”? Is a particular burly, skull-faced military man responsible for this? Then, you may be entitled to compensation in the form of an angst-to-fluff fic centered around the Simon Riley being “fixed” by your love, and your love alone. Call 1-800-icanfixhim for more information (or visit my masterlist for similar angst-to-fluff content)!
This honestly just started off as a fic about Reader struggling with him constantly leaving due to his job and having a hard time coping with the fear of losing him (I’m honestly not built for this, but I’d do anything for this man, so this is pretty realistic for me, ngl), but then MY “icanfixhim” kicked in full-gear and I just HAD to make it extra angsty about him and HIS issues. Sigh. . . you know I can’t help myself, though hehehe
Every time Simon was deployed on a mission, it broke your heart. You became depressed, lonely, riddled with anxiety, cried tears of worry for his wellbeing, feared for his life—something he seldom did himself.
Not until he met you, at least.
You gave him a purpose outside of merely being a weapon for war, death, and destruction. You gave him a reason to not just keep fighting, but to keep living. If not for himself, then for you.
Because hearing your little sniffles over the phone that you tried so hard to play off as “allergies”, seeing your tear stains on the heartfelt letters you sent him, feeling you tremble in his arms when he arrived home as the overwhelming concoction of anxiety, fear, loneliness, and worry bubbled up to a peak, only to be relieved by the proof he was alive and okay—his warm embrace and his heart beating against your chest. . .
. . . that broke his heart.
What hurt him even more was having to leave you each time. You tried so hard to be supportive and to force a smile and positive attitude, for his sake. But he was too observant not to catch the stray tears that slipped from your eyes when you assumed he wasn’t looking.
His heart shattered when you clung to him as tightly as you could just before he left, telling him through shaky breaths that everything was going to be okay, not to worry about you, that you loved him, and that you’d be there for him when he came back home.
Simon always did his best to reassure you that he would be extra careful, and that he’d come home as soon as he could. But he knew better than to lie. To tell you that he would be coming back alive wasn’t something he could say with certainty, and Simon refused to be dishonest with you.
You put on a brave face every time he pulled away, but he knew you’d turn into a crying mess once you were alone.
And he wouldn’t be there to kiss your tears away and make it better. . .
He had gotten into the habit of leaving you some little gifts behind for this very reason. Letters, notes, flowers delivered to the door, little trinkets or pieces of jewelry he found while out shopping, etc. He hid some of them in places he knew you’d find them, and it truly warmed your heart.
But as much as you appreciated the effort, it wasn’t enough to completely eliminate the worry, the loneliness, nor the fear you experienced during these (often long) stretches of time. You needed him with you. Simon knew this, but he didn’t know what else to do.
He couldn't stand the way his absences left you so shaken. You weren't built to be the partner of a military man. Not in this way. Yet, you still loved him. You still chose him, despite it all.
Simon began to wonder if you stayed with him out of some internal hatred for yourself. Perhaps out of some sense of insecurity—that you didn't deserve better than a man who couldn't give you all that you really needed.
Eventually, Simon became so riddled with guilt for causing you such suffering and being so much less than you deserved that he took the burden upon himself to do what he believed to be the best thing for you.
In the quiet of the night, he left one last kiss on your forehead and a note on your bed. He packed up his things. . .
. . . and he left.
This time, for good.
Or so he thought. . .
Simon had made one grave mistake after he left you. A mistake that completely ruined his plan of leaving and never coming back.
He forgot to remove you from his emergency contact list. . .
When you suddenly got a call from Simon, you were one part shocked, two parts angry, and three parts relieved. You picked up the phone, bracing yourself to hear his voice again after having gone three weeks without it. This time, his absence was different. There were no gifts, no letters, no phone calls, not even a hug goodbye. It was darker, lonelier, and more painful than you ever thought possible.
Your heart ached just seeing his name pop up on your screen again.
Yet, you put on a brave face for yourself as you answered with as clear of a voice as you could muster. “Hello?”
“Is this Y/N?”
You froze at the sound of an unfamiliar voice, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Memories of Simon going over certain protocols to follow in these situations came rushing back to you. This could be an enemy of his. You had to tread carefully.
“Who’s asking?” you responded, trying your best to sound stern and intimidating. If you weren’t so worried about whether Simon was alright at that moment, you would’ve cringed at how stupid you sounded.
“This is Ted. The owner of Thorn and Thistle. A pub on Haven Avenue. Ya’ familiar?”
You recalled Simon drinking there with Johnny, Price, and Gaz before. The pieces suddenly started to fall into place, though a part of you still felt wary. You glanced at the clock. It was 11:38pm.
“Uh, yes. . . Why have you called?”
“Right. Well, we’ve got a passed out drunkard here by the name of. . . Ghost? No ID. Paid in cash. Couldn’t tell ya his real name if I tried. But yer his only emergency contact, so we figured we’d give ya a ring.”
You let out a big sigh, one of relief and disappointment. Simon was never one to drink much, particularly because it was something that reminded him of his father. He rarely drank enough to get drunk, and if he did, he was usually just a little extra tipsy, rather than full-blown drunk, like Johnny and the other boys liked to get. Simon was usually the one who made sure they didn’t get into trouble and got home alright, occasionally even bringing one of them to your place to sleep on your couch, if necessary.
The kind of behavior you were hearing about was completely out of the ordinary for him. It concerned you, more than anything.
Soon enough, you had stepped out of your car on the cold, empty street. The yellow glow of the distant street lights and the neon pub sign were the only sources of light you had as you rushed over to where Simon laid slumped against the cobblestone wall of the pub. You reached your hand out and carefully cupped his face with your palm, thumb gently running over some of the bruising he had on his right eye and cheek. You checked his pulse with two fingers against his neck as you monitored his breathing pattern.
Amongst the dark and quiet street, you jumped when the sound of another man’s voice came from beside you.
“Lad got into quite the brawl earlier. Took five men to separate him and drag his arse outside. He passed out not long after. Think he’s okay, though. Seen worse.”
Glancing up at Ted, you gave him a sheepish smile and a grateful nod. “I’m sorry for the trouble he caused. Thank you for calling. I’ll make sure he gets home alright.”
“Good. If you can, maybe see to it we don’t have to see his sorry arse day in and day out for at least a few days. He keeps to himself, mostly, but the man’s generally unsettling to our patrons and staff. And for his and his liver’s sake, I think it’d be best if he laid off the booze for a while,” Ted explained, exasperation just as clear as the genuine concern in his voice.
“I’ll try my best. Thank you, again. Uhh. . .” You looked down at Simon, trying to shake him awake with no success. Turning back to the man, he gave you a knowing smile and a nod before stepping closer to help you carry Simon to the passenger seat of your car.
By the time you successfully got him in the car, you felt like you had just ran a 5k with how out of breath you were. Ted was in a little better shape than you, but even he was laughing breathlessly alongside you as you muttered a curse, leaning against the side of the car.
After a moment, you thanked him again and he kindly bid you goodnight before you drove away, Simon still out like a light in the passenger seat.
Boy, did you have a long night ahead of you. . .
A groan left Simon when he felt something cold on his face. He tried to brush it away, only to feel a hand wrap around his wrist and pull it back down to his side. Forcing his eyes open, he found himself on his back with a blurry figure sitting beside him. As his confusion began to rise, his survival instincts kicked in. He abruptly sat up, causing the world to spin around him.
Even still, he turned towards the direction of the person that was beside him, about to push them away and make a run for it when he felt two hands press against his chest.
Something about the familiarity of this touch seemed to slow things down for him, causing him to pause and try to blink away the dizziness and blurry vision.
“Lie back, Simon. You’re safe.”
Your sweet voice was like a light in the dark for Simon. His eyes had yet to adjust, but his hands blindly reached out to touch you, to confirm you were really there and not just a figment of his imagination. For a moment, he believed that perhaps you really were his guardian angel all along, and now you were greeting him in the afterlife.
Heaven? No. Even if he believed in that, he knew that after all he’d done, he was destined for somewhere much more hellish. Something not even a sweet angel like you could save him from.
“Am I dead?” he muttered.
A breathy laugh could be heard in response. Your laugh. His grip on your hands grew tighter as you tried to pull them away.
“No, Si. You’re not dead,” you reassured. “But you’ll probably wish you were from how intense this hangover will be.”
Almost as if on cue, or perhaps he hadn’t realized it until now, his head began pounding, causing him to close his eyes again.
“Fuckin' hell," he groaned lowly.
“Yeah. . .You regretting it now?” you spoke in a slightly condescending tone, the hint of anger behind it all not slipping past Simon. Even with the state he was in, he still knew you like the back of his hand.
“You’re angry. . .”
You scoffed. “Oh, Simon, I don’t think I’m nearly as angry at you as you are with yourself.”
Dammit. Sometimes he hated how well you knew him like the back of your hand.
“I’m sorry. . .”
“Save it,” you snapped. “You’re not sober enough. I don’t want to get into any of this with you right now.”
Simon obeyed; not a word slipping past his lips as he merely lied there, allowing you to do whatever you wanted. You helped him sit up slightly, handed him some pills and some water, which he took without question. Then, you made sure he lied back down and placed a cold washcloth on his forehead.
After a while, the dizziness and blurriness subsided, and the pounding headache began to grow duller. He opened his eyes and finally looked at the one person he longed to see more than anyone else in the few weeks prior.
You refused to meet his eyes, and he knew he deserved that.
He deserved worse, even. Far worse than this.
As you stood up and walked away, muttering something about making him something to eat, all he could think about was how cold he felt without you by his side. Everything seemed to grow dark again, the legion of his inner demons beginning to twist and claw at him from the inside.
A shiver ran down his spine just as a wave of nausea hit him.
He tossed the washcloth to the nearby table and ran his hands over his face.
You were right. Between the hangover, the overwhelming guilt and heartache, along with the diseased parts of his soul that he’d been trying so hard to run from lately. . .
. . . he did want to die.
You still hadn’t spoken to him. It had been hours and he was too nervous to speak, out of fear of saying the wrong thing. What was he meant to say, anyway? Thank you for taking care of my sorry arse? I’m sorry for everything?
Actually, that probably was the best place to start. . .
“I’m sorry,” he spoke clearly, bravely eyeing you with sincerity as you looked up at him from where you sat at the dining room table, the food in front of you hardly touched. You had been picking at yours for over fifteen minutes and he could barely eat his without his stomach threatening to reject it all at any moment. Simon had never felt so uncomfortable in the place he used to call home.
Your gaze spurred his heart to pick up its speed. He swallowed nervously.
“Sorry for what?” you asked.
You were testing him, and for good reason. He had not only broken your heart, but your trust. He walked out without having even said a word to you. Nothing but a few words on a note: “I’m sorry. You deserve better.”
Before he could speak, you continued, picking up your plate and walking towards the kitchen. “Because if you mean you’re sorry for the whole ‘picking up a drunk, beaten, and passed out you in the middle of the night and having to look up “how to move a body” just so I could get your giant ass from the car, into the house and then proceeding to watch over you like a hawk because I was scared you’d drunk so much you might not wake up’ thing then, sure, apology accepted. You’d do the same for me, right?”
Despite your words seeming somewhat mild and forgiving, he could sense the underlying anger and sarcasm hidden beneath. He followed you into the kitchen without a thought, his feet moving on his behalf. Your sharp eyes spinning around to meet his caused him to freeze in his place.
“But if you mean you’re sorry for leaving me to wake up to a pathetic little note, all of your belongings stripped from our home, you nowhere to be found and me left all alone, worried, scared, heartbroken with absolutely no response from you for weeks, then, no. . . apology not accepted.”
Simon was a brave and resilient man, but seeing the tears begin to well up in your eyes as you spoke was a kind of torture he could hardly withstand.
"I-I’m sorry for all of it. I thought I was doing right by you,” he admitted.
You gave him a baffled look, a mocking laugh escaping you. "You really thought that abandoning me altogether was right for me?!"
Simon was stunned; completely silent as the weight of your words and emotions hit him.
Abandon you?
He never meant to do that. He thought he was doing you a favor.
Frustrated, not only by his silence, but by the entire situation, you continued your rant. "God, Simon, do you have any idea what it's like to know you? To love you?"
Silence. . .
"No! Of course you don't! You don't have a goddamn clue!"
You were yelling now. Not out of true anger or malice, but out of pure passion and frustration and hurt. Simon knew better than to speak up at this time. Even if he wanted to, he didn't know what else he could say. You had him cornered and defenseless.
He deserved this, deserved to be torn apart by you; ruthlessly criticized, insulted, and tossed aside once you were done with him.
"You don't understand because you don't see yourself like I do! You don't love yourself!"
Once again, the words stung, but he knew they were overflowing with truth. He waited for the worst to come.
"But I do! I love you, Simon! So much, it fucking rips me apart just thinking about something bad happening to you, of losing you!"
This wasn’t right. Shouldn’t you hate him by now?
“So why in the world would you think that leaving me in the dust would benefit me in any way?”
Your voice cracked as you finished your sentence, tears now spilling down your face.
Simon was done for. As far as he was concerned, he might as well have died right there, because that was exactly what it felt like to see you so hurt because of him.
"I'm not worth it, lovie. I can't give you what you deserve. . ."
The words slipped out of him without him even realizing he was speaking.
This time, you were the one stunned into silence.
For a moment, you just stared at one another, the shared look of agony in your eyes exposing each of your broken hearts.
Simon always knew love to be painful. This was all too familiar to him. In just a moment, you would deal the final blow to his heart; speak the very words he’d been dreading to hear.
“I hate you! You’re a monster! You’ve ruined my life!”
You stepped forward and Simon tensed, bracing himself for what was to come. Instead, your hands carefully reached for his.
Wait a minute. . . This wasn't how things were supposed to go. You were supposed to leave. Run away. Hit him. Scream obscenities in his face. Something to prove just how disgusting and unworthy of you and your love he was.
He held his breath as you wrapped your fingers around his in a gentle, but firm grip and brought them to your chest, anchoring them to your heart. Your eyes held such a profound sense of softness and love within them as you looked up at him.
Simon felt as if he would combust at any moment, hanging onto every word you said like a lifeline. You had all the power to make or break the man before you, and he wouldn’t dare blame you for choosing the latter.
"I love you, Simon. Not for what you do for me. Not solely for what you bring to the table. I love you for exactly who you are—flaws and all—on your good days and your bad."
He had to fight past the lump in his throat to speak, his voice cracking as he whispered out the words.
"I'm broken, Y/N. I'm a wreck. I'll only take you down with me."
You shrugged and shook your head, the love in your eyes never wavering, just like the love you held in your heart for him.
"Then, so be it. But at least we’ll be together the whole way through. Knowing you, loving you is the greatest gift I've ever received. You deserve to be loved, Simon. And I deserve to be able to make my own choices about whether you are the right person for me or not. Maybe if you stopped trying to pull away so much, you'd realize that we're stronger when we're together."
You raised your hand to cradle his cheek. He leaned into it, his tears wetting your palm.
“Despite what you think, you’ve changed me for the better—in ways that nobody ever has and nobody else ever will. You've left a mark on my heart, Simon. You can't leave and expect that to go away with you."
Simon felt his heart shatter at the thought of ruining you with such a mark. But the other side of him, the small part that had been cleansed of his wounds and insecurities by your love, and your love alone, felt a fiery sense of passion at the idea of your heart belonging to him, just as much as his heart belonged to you—forever changed and never to be apart.
His legs could no longer hold him upright, nor did he care for them to any longer. He fell to his knees before you in reverence, in defeat. Your love had once again penetrated through what he had once believed to be impenetrable walls. Your love saw past these and right into his heart. All of his strength and military skills were no match against the power of your love. He was as good as a helpless, pitiful man as sobs wracked through his body, his head bowed as a string of slurred apologies and prayers of love spilled from his lips.
You dropped to the floor and took him into your arms, his head diving into your neck and hands shakily finding their way around your waist, his apologies never ceasing. You shushed him like one would a child as he held onto you like he was scared you’d disappear forever.
The way you delicately picked his broken heart up from the floor and cradled it in your soft hands, the way you engulfed him with your unconditional love, Simon could feel himself being healed in that very moment. The legion of demons, the diseased parts of his soul, the unforgiving darkness, all the pain and suffering, vanished upon being faced with the warm, bright light of your love.
From that moment forward, Simon knew. He knew you were the love of his life, and he knew he’d keep choosing you, just as you kept choosing him. So long as he lived, he would spend every second trying to be with you, trying to give back all that you’d given him. He’d quit his job, he’d sell all his belongings, he’d follow you across the world, he’d give you a home, he’d give you a family, he’d do anything for you.
For as long as you kept holding him like that, loving him like that, the cost did not matter.
He realized then that it was he who was insecure—scared of the kind of love he deserved, the kind of love he needed. Perhaps he wasn’t built to be a military man, forced to be separated from a partner like you, a love like yours.
You showed him true love, selflessly and wholeheartedly. Love could be painful, but you proved to him that it didn’t have to be. No longer did he want it to be, for either of you.
Maybe you were right. Maybe you were stronger together, after all. . .
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‣Taglist: @jslittlebirdie @alittlesmartcookie
‣ If you’d like to join the taglist for Simon Riley/Ghost, let me know by sending me an ask/message, or comment on this post!
‣ Summary: All hopes for your special dinner date with Keigo are crushed the moment he breaks his promise to you in favor of his workaholic tendencies.
‣ Genre: Flangst, Hurt/Comfort
‣ Warnings: Angst, crying, broken hearts, getting ditched during your date, Keigo is a workaholic, Keigo being a bit of an asshole, some mild references to spicy things.
‣ Word Count: 5,988
‣ A/N: I was prompted to write this after thinking about Keigo and how he'd likely struggle at times to be a great partner in a romantic relationship, due to his inexperience, trauma, and demanding job. The start of the relationship would be bumpy, for sure. But he'd always work hard to be better for his s/o, and that's what truly matters! Hope ya'll enjoy this piece!
Main Masterlist
A whistle carried through the grand living space of Hawk’s penthouse as you stepped into his line of sight. Leaning against a nearby wall with his hands in his pockets, he suddenly straightened his spine at the sight of you, his feathers twitching in excitement. His eyes scanned every inch of you, pleased at the sight of such a masterpiece walking his way.
“Baby bird…You look stunning.”
He could barely control the way his voice nearly bordered on a moan as he looked you up and down. You looked simply ravishing. How did he get so goddamn lucky?
“Are you tonight’s meal?”
You were certain you couldn’t be any more flustered as you shook your head. The way he was devouring you with his eyes, licking his lips like a starved animal, had your heart racing faster in your chest. He stalked towards you like you were his prey. The intensity in his eyes made you look away, only for him to firmly lift your chin up to meet his golden gaze once more.
“Would you like to be?”
His sultry tone, paired with the lustful look in his eyes made your knees wobble slightly. You could feel yourself nearly giving in, before you finally broke free from his trance, lightly smacking his hand away.
“Stop trying to seduce me right now, you siren!”
Keigo laughed, and your heart skipped a beat. “Can’t help it when you look so good, pretty bird. You sure you’re not the one trying to seduce me?”
You rolled your eyes playfully. “No…At least not yet.”
You smiled teasingly at him before pressing a kiss on his cheek. You were about to walk away when Keigo grabbed your wrist and pulled you back towards him.
“Uh-uh, baby bird. I’m not done with you yet.” He smirked before pulling you in for a kiss. It was passionate at first, but tapered into a tender finale before he pulled away, leaving you both a little breathless. He pressed his forehead against yours, staring into your eyes for a moment, a small smirk tugging at the corner of his lips.
“I’m such a lucky bastard.”
This made you scoff slightly, causing Keigo’s brow to furrow a bit as he pulled back to look at you properly. “What?”
“You’re not the lucky one, Kei. I am,” you spoke with certainty. “That’s why I wanted to create this nice evening for you. To show you how grateful I am for you.”
Now it was Keigo’s turn to scoff. “First of all, you’re wrong. Second of all, you don’t have to do all of this just for that. You don’t owe me anything, baby.”
“It’s not just for that reason! It’s also because I lo- care about you so much and I want you to feel as special as you make me feel. I may not have the same means to be able to spoil you like you do me, but I can at least give you a nice homemade dinner and romantic evening!”
You seemed nervous as you spoke, causing Keigo to reach for your hand and bring it to his lips. A soft show of affection and reassurance as he smiled at you.
“The evening already couldn’t get any better. I’ve got my baby bird in my arms and a delicious smelling dinner awaiting us at the table. Can’t think of a better way to spend the evening.”
He always knew exactly what to say to set your nerves at ease. You had put a lot of effort into tonight, trying to make everything perfect for him. He had mentioned previously how he’d never had anyone else cook for him before, so you decided to put your all into making him the best homemade meal for tonight’s date. You weren’t the greatest cook, so you spent the last week testing out the recipes for each part of the special dinner at your place, tweaking things as you went so that you wouldn’t mess things up tonight. Somewhat conveniently, Keigo had been gone on a mission all week, so it gave you plenty of uninterrupted time alone to prepare, without running the risk of him sneaking in through your balcony, like he so loved to do, and ruining the surprise.
Both of you had been looking forward to tonight’s date all week. Keigo seemed even more giddy than you were, knowing that he’d left the plans to his dove this time, upon your insistence. When he realized what you had planned for him, his heart nearly burst with pure adoration for you. He knew you weren’t the best cook, so the act in and of itself was enough to make him want to shower you with kisses. He almost did just that, until you reminded him that the food would get cold if you both didn’t quickly change for dinner.
It took all his self-control not to race to his bedroom like an eager child, just so he could hurry back to you. Even still, he was out of his hero costume and into his outfit, that you so lovingly picked out for him, in record time. A simple white button-down with a sleek black blazer, slacks, and matching loafers. You even laid out some accessories for him too, such as one of his gold watches and a matching gold necklace with a low-hanging pendant. Were you hinting at him to wear his shirt partially unbuttoned? How cute.
Keigo beamed as you led him over to the dinner table, admiring the way you had carefully set the table. A vase of red roses, guarded by a few burning candles, sat just far enough aside that the two of you would still be able to clearly see one another from your seats across the table. Sparkling, gold-rimmed white china plates sat beside red cloth serviettes atop the silky white tablecloth. He watched as you took the pre-opened bottle of red wine and poured some into his crystal glass.
“Sit, angel. I’ve been keeping the food warm in the oven. I’ll be right back,” you said, giving him a peck on the cheek before heading to the kitchen.
He sat down with a sigh, smiling at the beautiful presentation that you clearly put so much effort into. Not even a single piece of silverware out of place.
When you came back, you filled his plate for him, followed by yours. You refused to let him lift a finger, raising a brow at him when he reached out in an attempt to help you place one of the bowls of food onto the table. He couldn’t help but smile at you as you sat down across from him, his eyes so full of soft gooey adoration for you, you couldn’t help but feel heat rush to your cheeks as you broke free from his gaze, opting to change the subject before he flustered you even further. The man had a talent for making you look like a head over heels fool, just from a single word or look from those pretty golden eyes. You were certain he already knew the full extent of how you felt about him. You simply couldn’t hide it from him, no matter how hard you tried.
So why were you still so nervous about confessing your love to him tonight?
“I hope the food is good. Worst case, I have the number for our favorite takeout place ready to go,” you said, looking at the food on your plate.
“Honestly, dove, I can already tell it’s going to taste amazing, simply by how good it looks and smells. I’m genuinely impressed. You did all this yourself?”
You nodded, once again feeling heat rise to your cheeks as you picked up your fork and motioned towards his plate of steaming food. “Don’t hype me up too much, you haven’t even tried it yet.”
Watching with bated breath as Keigo took the first bite, you found yourself simultaneously relieved and pleased at the moan he let out, closing his eyes as he chewed the food carefully, making sure to savor every molecule of flavor. When he swallowed, he opened his eyes to find you staring back at him, a small smirk on your face.
“That was either an Oscar-worthy performance, or you truly like the food. Can’t quite tell which it is right now,” you joked.
Keigo chuckled, a big smile taking over his face as he reached for your hand across the table. “I may be a great actor, but that was all authentic, baby bird. Truly, this is the most amazing meal I’ve ever had!”
“Okay, now you’re definitely lying-”
“Am not! I’m not even surprised. This was made by my amazing, incredible, gorgeous baby bird, after all.” He raised his other hand, pressing the tips of his fingers to his lips in a silly “chef’s kiss”, making you giggle. “And you dare say I’m not the lucky one, huh?”
He pressed a kiss to your knuckles, eyes locked with yours, until he caught something else in his periphery. He must’ve been too enamored by everything else before to notice the small square gift box sitting at the corner of the table.
“And what is that?” he asked, curiously, nodding towards the thin white and gold box.
You followed his eyes, and he felt your hand tighten it’s grip a little on his.
“That’s for after dinner,” you said, watching him lift a brow at you inquisitively.
“You didn’t spend a pretty penny on me, did you birdie?”
You shook your head. “It wasn’t too much, promise. More time and effort spent than anything else.”
His eyes softened once more. “I truly am getting spoiled tonight, aren’t I?”
Giggling, you brought his hand to your lips, causing pink to spread across his cheeks. “You deserve it, baby. Now, eat up!”
Just as the two of you began to dive into your meal, the familiar ring of Keigo’s phone interrupted the peaceful ambiance of the room. You instantly grew tense, as did Keigo. He had promised you that he wouldn’t be on call for hero work during your time together for the next few days. Not only had you missed each other dearly and were very much in need of some quality time together, but Keigo more than needed the rest after the strenuous mission he had just completed.
You silently hoped it was a spam caller or wrong number as Keigo pulled his phone out of his pocket. But your hopes were crushed when he gave you an apologetic glance, stepping out of the room to answer the call.
Sitting at your place in the dining room, you left your food untouched as you waited patiently for his return. Perhaps he was simply getting a call to report some new important information to him, potentially about the mission he just completed. Even if they were trying to call him to the front lines, you were certain he’d decline and refer some of his other employees to cover for his absence.
But as the minutes ticked by, you began to grow more worried. What was going on? Was there some kind of grand emergency that couldn’t be solved without his specific order? The silence of the room was starting to eat away at you and put you on edge. You glanced back towards the hallway leading to the bedroom, hoping that he’d walk back out with a smile on his face, the kind that always set you at ease, and take up his seat across from you once more to continue your long-awaited romantic evening together.
Just as you were about to stand up to check on him, the bedroom door opened, encouraging you to stay in your place as you waited for him to walk back into the room. You smiled as you heard his footsteps, only for your smile to instantly falter at the sight of him in his hero costume instead of his date attire. He didn’t have the comforting smile on his face you were expecting, but instead, the stoic look of Hawks as he walked past you to grab the coat he’d left draped over the couch earlier and put it on.
You stood and made your way over to him, the lump growing in your throat that you tried your best to mask as you spoke to him.
“What’s going on?”
“Some villain attack on a nearby building. Got a pesky quirk and I’m the closest, so they called me,” he explained, like he was giving a fellow employee the rundown, rather than his partner, who he was about to ditch at any moment.
“W-What about dinner?” was all you could say. Your eyes were starting to burn with tears now as he quickly moved towards the balcony door, you following behind him like a sad puppy.
“Save it as leftovers! I’ll finish it later,” he said, putting on his visor as he reached for the door handle. You reached for him.
“Kei-”
“I’ll be back as soon as I can!” he called out as he swiftly moved past the doorway. You opened your mouth to speak, but you were cut off by the whoosh of his wings lifting him off the ground and into the air. Wind blew your hair around as you stared at the sky, watching him quickly become smaller and smaller until he was out of sight.
You stood there in shock for a moment. You were somewhat used to Keigo leaving on a whim after being together for so many months, but you truly were not expecting him to leave tonight, nor were you expecting him to act so…distant. He didn’t even kiss you goodbye or apologize for leaving. You suddenly found yourself questioning whether Keigo was even enjoying the evening before he got the call. He certainly didn’t waste any time in leaving.
You shook these thoughts out of your head. He was simply doing his job. And that meant switching into his “hero headspace”. That was all it was. He was focused on the job, like usual. That’s what made him a great hero.
That’s also what makes him a not-so-great partner, you thought.
Cursing yourself for even thinking such a thing about him, you stormed off and sat at the dinner table once more. Keigo didn’t deserve to be thought of in such a way. He had been an absolute angel to you since the two of you met. While you had only been dating for just over four months, you had both grown so close already. Even despite the fact that things were a bit more complicated due to his work, you were truly happy with him. You wouldn’t trade him for the world.
You loved him. That’s what you were planning to tell him tonight.
That’s why your nerves had been all over the place all evening. You were ready to take things up a notch with him, starting with your confession and a special gift to show him what he means to you. It was a daunting thing for you, considering he hadn’t said those three words first. He was usually the one to take the initiative with most things, tell you what he wants, ask you on dates, say what he really thinks about you, spoil you to high heaven simply because he wanted to. Even when you tried to do the same, he always seemed to be a step ahead of you.
But this time, you were determined to be one step ahead of him. You had worked so hard to make every detail of this date perfect for him, to make him feel even an ounce of the way he made you feel every single day you spent together. You wanted to surprise him, in more ways than one. That’s why you bought the most gorgeous outfit you could find, styled yourself to perfection, spent all week preparing to make the best homemade meal you could muster, and spent weeks beforehand crafting a heartfelt gift for him to go along with your confession.
You just hoped you wouldn’t surprise him too much with the confession itself.
Once again, you hoped. Hoped that he would come home soon, so that you could resume your evening together. Hoped that he would kiss you and smile and reassure you that everything is fine and that he wouldn’t dare miss another second of this wonderful time with you. Hoped that once you told him how you really felt about him, he would return your feelings. Or, at the very least, not reject them and run away. Hoped that he would love your gift to him. That he’d cherish it forever, along with you by his side.
The hours ticked by, your food still untouched as you hoped.
By the time the third hour grew near, you stood from your sprawled out position on the couch, breaking your gaze away from the time shown on the lockscreen of your phone. The food had been put away, the dishes cleaned. You couldn’t bring yourself to clean up the rest of the décor on the dining table, in hopes that he might come back home and still wish to eat with you at the table.
By the fourth hour and no text back from Keigo, your hopes were completely crushed, along with the special evening you’d put so much effort into.
You trudged your way towards the dining table, lip quivering as you took off the necklace Keigo gave to you not long ago, made with one of his feathers so that he could always track you and keep an eye on you for safety purposes. Though, it was quite clear that the other predominant reason was that he wanted to feel close to you, even when you were apart. You loved the necklace, but you also knew that he could sense your crying if he were to tune in enough to hear it, and the last thing you wanted was to distract him during his work. Knowing that the dam behind your eyes was going to break at any moment now, you gently set the feather on the table, next to your unopened gift to him, and walked to his bedroom.
It was too late now, and you’d had a few glasses of wine, so there was no point leaving his place to head back to yours, especially since he was expecting you when he got back. You’d promised to spend the next few days with him, after all.
Your phone dinged. A text message from Keigo showed on your lockscreen. Sighing, you bit back your tears, hoping he’d tell you he was on his way home. At least then you could at least enjoy a little bit of time together before you went to bed that night. Get him some food. You were sure he was starving by now. You would be too, if you weren’t so sick with sadness and disappointment and the lack of him.
Birb Man❤️: Won’t be home till later, baby bird. Don’t wait up.
Maybe you wouldn’t wait up. Maybe you’d leave and go back to your place. Sleep in your own bed. You weren’t all that pleased with the idea of sleeping with him anyway after the way things turned out tonight.
That was a lie. You wanted nothing more than to feel the weight of his arms and wings wrapped around you, shielding you from the rest of the world and making you feel safe. While you were disappointed and upset with him, you were too weak to reject such a pleasure; something you had been missing for over a week now.
Even so, perhaps it would be best if you left?
No.
You’d stick to your promise, at least. Even if he didn’t stick to his.
You took one last look at yourself in the full-length mirror in the bedroom before finally bursting into a fit of tears. Sitting on the edge of the bed, you covered your face as you sobbed.
Eventually, you managed to get yourself to take apart the masterpiece that you had made yourself into for the night. Your hands trembled slightly as you took off your beautiful outfit, thinking about how you were previously looking forward to him being the one to get you out of these clothes. You took your jewelry off, tossing it onto the dresser without caring about how it all messily scattered across the polished wood.
Once you were out of your own clothes, you dug around for something to wear to bed, settling on one of Keigo’s t-shirts. You almost whimpered at the comforting smell of him filling your nose, that only seemed to upset you more, before making your way to the bathroom.
You could barely see yourself in the mirror through your blurry, tear-filled vision as you washed your face and sloppily brushed your teeth between sobs, not paying much attention to the accuracy of your brushing.
All you could think about was him, and how selfish you were for wanting him to yourself. But could you really be blamed for this? The outside world got more time with your boyfriend than you did. You were always so understanding of his job, his responsibilities, his goals. You supported him, endlessly. Even when it left you feeling unfulfilled and lonely. He always made up for it, of course. He spoiled you non-stop with his affection and luxurious dates and gifts when he did have time to spend with you. And you were grateful. So incredibly grateful for his efforts. You knew he was trying his best and that’s what made all of it worth it.
But this time was different. You made him explicitly promise you that he’d be all yours for the next few days, and he agreed. A few days, and he couldn’t even follow through with this one humble request.
Keigo was a workaholic. You knew this. But you had hoped he’d at least understand how important these few days were for you and your relationship, especially since you hadn’t seen much of each other lately.
Of course, you knew he didn’t mean to hurt you. You just wished he could be as committed to saving your heart from such a demise as he was the rest of the world.
Keigo had two talents. Taking your heart to new, brilliant heights and leaving your heart crushed on the ground after it slipped out of his overburdened hands.
But just like your hopes, you knew exactly where your wishes would end up tonight.
Splattered on the cold hard ground alongside you.
Keigo could barely hold the weight of his wings any longer as he entered through the balcony door of his penthouse, wings drooping behind him. He let out a sigh, relieved to finally be home. His mind instantly went to you, wondering if you had already gone to bed or not.
His feet began leading him to you before he could even tell them to move. His feathers were exhausted, just like the rest of him, yet somehow the thought of you filled him with enough energy to leave them slightly twitching with excitement. They always had a mind of their own when it came to you.
Except, instead of the bedroom, his feet stopped at the dining room table. Confused, he was about to turn around, blame it all on his heavy exhaustion, until he caught the red feather necklace in the corner of his eye. He reached for it, taking it in his hand as he felt a pang of anxiousness run through him. Normally, you only took it off for brief moments, such as to bathe. Did you forget to put it back on? Did something bad happen?
He instantly rushed towards the bedroom, feathers already slipping underneath the crack of the door and surrounding areas to proactively inspect the rooms for anything suspicious ahead of his arrival. He could immediately sense your presence. The steady sound of your heartbeat and breathing instantly setting him at ease. He called his feathers back to him as he reached for the handle of the bedroom door.
He smiled softly at the sight of you curled up in bed, your back facing the door. He carefully walked over to your side of the bed, willing his feathers to stop their excited rustling, so as not to wake you, as he knelt down to your level.
The smile on his face quickly fell as soon as he registered your puffy eyes and tear-stained pillow. His heart dropped just as suddenly, the ache in his chest spreading.
Reaching out his hand, he gently tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, fingertips grazing against your cheek and causing you to stir slightly in your sleep. His mind was racing as he tried to piece together why you had been crying. To his knowledge, there was nothing that would have made you this upset. Nothing, except…
Him.
A flashback of Keigo dedicating these days off to you, sealing the promise with a loving kiss, played in his mind. The way your eyes lit up with excitement made him feel so full of love for you. He silently swore to himself in that moment that he’d do anything to keep you this happy all the time.
Turns out, he couldn’t even keep his own promises to himself.
Keigo buried his face in his hands, his eyes burning as he suddenly felt the urge to burst into tears. He was so tired after the week’s mission. He wanted nothing more than to spend the next few days with you. You always helped him recharge and get back on his feet before his next inevitably exhausting shift or mission.
He was even more thrilled that you were so adamant on being in charge of the date this time around. He had been looking forward to it all week long. Being away from you was torture. All he wanted was to be with you again.
Now, the consequences of his actions were really setting in. You had put so much work into this evening. You probably thought he was a complete and utter asshole. The worst partner in the universe. He wouldn’t disagree with you on that.
Keigo was not the best at relationships. He barely had real friends, never mind any romantic partners, before you. He knew he had a tendency to put hero work above all else. You had pointed it out before but was always quick to drop the subject once he casually explained that it’s just part of his job. He assumed you understood. This was what life was like with him. He was the number two hero. Everyone expected so much out of him. And he had big goals. To create a society where heroes could rest easy. You seemed to be supportive of this.
Perhaps too supportive…
Keigo left the room, wings drooping even more than before as he trudged down the hallway. He regretted ever answering that call, for taking the job when he knew he’d much rather be with you, enjoying the perfect evening you put together for him. Everything was perfect. You were perfect. Everything he had ever dreamed of and more.
God, he didn’t deserve you.
As he stared down at the little square gift box in his hands, he felt thoroughly and utterly ashamed. He didn’t even think about his promise to you when he agreed to the job, about how much work you put into the evening, for him. He just shut down, switched into autopilot, into hero-mode. He was in such a rush to get it over with so he could come back home to you that he didn’t even kiss you goodbye. Not even a simple apology left his lips.
He’d really fucked up, big time.
He didn’t deserve you, nor did he deserve your gift, but he couldn’t help himself as he sat down on the couch and lifted the lid on the box to reveal its contents. There was a note obscuring the gift beneath it, his name sprawled across the paper in your pretty handwriting. He opened it, his eyes scanning over the inky text.
“Keigo,
I wanted to give you something special; to show you how much you mean to me. I know this isn’t enough to do just that. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to truly express to you how much I love you. But I hope you’ll like it anyway. Let it serve as a reminder that however near or far, you’ll always have my heart.
Love, Y/N”
You woke up after hearing the bedroom door click shut, your eyes starting to flutter open. Sleep still clouding your vision, you tried to scan the room, looking after your shoulder to find the room dark and empty. The bedside lamp had been turned off. Looking to Keigo’s side of the bed, you saw the feather necklace resting in his place.
Keigo must be home, you thought.
At first you were excited by this thought, until you remembered that you had just cried yourself to sleep because of him not too long ago. The emotional wound was still bleeding as you tried to pull yourself together enough to face him. You had to at least check to see if he was in one piece after tonight’s events.
Bare feet quietly padding on the heated hardwood floors, you made your way into the living area, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes as you looked around for any sign of the red-winged birdie.
A sniffle led you right to him. You froze, taking in the scene before you.
Keigo was sat on the couch, hunched forward as he looked at something in his trembling hands. Upon further inspection, you recognized it was the note and the necklace you made for him. Your gift to him.
“Do you like it?” you spoke quietly, though the silence of the room was so thick, it sounded louder than you had intended.
Keigo jumped slightly, turning his head to meet your eyes. How he didn’t hear you coming from a mile away was beyond you. You were never able to successfully sneak up on him. If the room wasn’t filled with so much emotional tension, you’d laugh and tease him about it.
Keigo looked back down at his hands, thumb running over the gold chain, though his eyes remained glued to the note itself. Three words stuck out to him, simultaneously making his heart race and filling him with a deep sadness. You noticed the object of his gaze, stepping closer as you nervously spoke.
“I wanted to tell you in person…Maybe it’s best that I didn’t." You whispered the last part to yourself, but of course, Keigo heard it too.
“What?” He glanced up at you, confused.
“Your crying Kei. You’re upset. You don’t like it, or you don’t share my feelings, or both. What is it?”
Keigo wiped his tears with the back of his hand, looking down in what appeared to be shame.
“It’s nothing like that, Y/N,” he spoke, barely above a whisper.
Your heart dropped. He never called you by your first name unless it was really serious. You began to fear the worst as he continued to speak.
“This is…you said you didn’t spend a lot.”
Oh. Is that why he was upset? More confused than ever, you decided to answer him, hoping he’d give you more information.
“I didn’t. A friend owed me a favor. They helped me make this for you at a low cost. It’s all real, though. The gemstones and everything.”
Keigo was quiet for a moment, looking at the intertwined heart pendants at the end of the necklace. You almost spoke again, just to break the silence, until he beat you to it.
“These are the color of your eyes,” he whispered, a small hint of a smile tugging at his lips that you didn't seem to catch as he lifted up the heart that was meant to represent you, admiring the gemstones embedded around it.
“Kei?”
“Hm?”
“Do you hate it?”
Keigo’s eyes snapped up to yours. Shaking his head aggressively, he reached out to you. The moment you latched onto his hand, he pulled you to sit beside him. Not letting go of your hand, he set the necklace down, along with the rest of the gift before turning to face you better.
“I love it. And I love you, baby bird. So much,” he said, voice wavering slightly as he seemed to become overcome with emotion again. Except this time, you could recognize it mostly as pure love and adoration for you, mixed with a sense of…sadness.
“Really?” you asked, a sense of relief washing over you, despite the overall uneasiness you still felt in the pit of your stomach. You weren’t used to seeing him so emotional. At least, not like this.
He nodded, placing his hands on either side of your face. “So fucking much. You have no idea. All of this…you…it’s everything I’ve always wanted and more.”
You looked at him warily. “Why do I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming?”
“There’s no ‘but’. But there is a ‘sorry’. I’m so sorry, dove. I’m an asshole and an idiot and a terrible mate. I-”
“You’re none of those things, Kei.” You may have still been hurt by what he did, but you weren’t going to stand for him talking down on himself like that.
“Yes, I am. I stormed out of here so fast after getting that call; a call I never should’ve taken. I left behind the most amazing mate in the world, dressed to the nines, a delicious homemade dinner, and one of the most special gifts in the world. You, being the most special gift of all. I took you and all of this for granted and I'm so sorry.” He pressed a kiss to your forehead before meeting your eyes again.
“I promise I'll do everything in my power to make sure it doesn't happen again. I know my promises don’t mean much after what I did tonight, but I am fully willing to accept the consequences if I fail you again, Y/N."
You didn’t realize you were crying until Keigo gently wiped away a few rogue tears with his thumbs. He was staring at you so intensely, so full of love and determination, devotion, for you. Your heart could barely take it.
“All is forgiven, so long as you stop calling me that,” you finally spoke, semi-lightheartedly, causing his brows to furrow, until he finally understood what you meant.
His signature smirk replaced his serious frown, though his glossy eyes remained soft as he leaned in closer until his lips were inches away from yours.
“What should I call you, then? Baby bird? Dove? Sweetheart? Lovebird?” he teased, knowing that the new nickname would get you all flustered and smiling again. He needed to see that smile again, more than anything. He needed to see his baby bird happy, because of him. No more tears, just smiles.
Thank goodness, it worked. He practically beamed at the sight of it, his feathers perking up and twitching with excitement once more. He couldn’t help himself as he dove in for a kiss, giving you all the passion his tired soul could muster in the moment. You deserved every ounce of love he could possibly give. Now that you seemed to have forgiven him, he was determined to set things right again.
This time, he wouldn’t let you fall and hit the ground. He’d save you, along with your hopes and dreams and promises. While he wasn’t the perfect partner, he would never stop striving to be everything you deserve and more.
His only hope was that you’d continue to allow him to fly you and your heart to even greater heights.
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‣ Summary: When Simon realizes he has feelings for you.
‣ Warnings: Avoidant behavior, Simon being a stalker, Simon being completely incompetent at handling his emotions in a normal and healthy way (but we love him anyway, don't we?).
‣ Word Count: 1,214
‣ A/N: Idk about you, but I believe Simon Riley almost always resorts to stalker/creep behavior when he has feelings for someone. It's inevitable. He's either avoiding them like the plague, or going borderline yandere on their ass, with no in between. He doesn't know how to be normal about this at all. Good luck to whoever he falls for, 'cause you're in for a wild ride with this guy.
➼ Simon will distance himself from you almost immediately after realizing he has feelings for you.
• He is an avoidant type; known for burying his emotions and running away from any sign of vulnerability.
• Love makes him vulnerable. Love makes him weak.
• Claims he doesn't have time for love or relationships. That those things would distract him from his job.
• He'll indulge himself in meaningless one night stands on occasion, but that's as far as he ever takes things.
• His job always comes first.
• But then you came into the picture.
• He may not have consciously put the pieces together at first (the man needs AT LEAST 3-5 business WEEKS before he is finally able to truly understand his feelings), but he knew immediately upon meeting you that you were different.
• Not in a bad way, not in a "you stick out like a sore thumb," kind of way…
• More in a "you're so beautiful and your voice is so nice and your laughter is adorable and when you look at me I get all tingly and warm all over and it's kinda hard to breathe and I'm definitely not gonna be able to stop thinking about you anytime soon," kind of way.
• He'd never experienced that with anyone else before. So, to him, meeting you was a total shock to his system.
• After many days of random run-ins and conversations with you, he began to get really freaked out by his feelings and the way he reacted every time he was around you.
• You made him feel like he was free falling from a great height, unable to control the experience and unsure of when it would end, or if he'd survive it.
• It scared the shit out of him.
• Can you believe it? Simon Riley. Ghost. Scared.
• This was definitely uncharted waters for him.
• So, he promptly began avoiding you.
• He made no attempts to keep it subtle either. Every time he so much as caught the smallest glimpse of you, he was spinning on his heels and power walking away from you.
• He knew you knew he was avoiding you, but thankfully, you hadn't tried to bring it up to him.
• (How could you when he was bolting out of any space with you in it faster than you could blink?)
• He buried himself in his work, told himself he didn't care, that this was just a stupid, fleeting crush. He didn't need you. He didn't need anyone. He was better off alone.
• This little avoidance game lasted a good handful of weeks. He was thrilled when he was sent on a mission, hoping the time away would serve as a detox to get you out of his system.
• It didn't. In fact, it made everything worse.
• Now he couldn't even go a second without thinking of you. He wondered how you were doing, what you ate for breakfast, what pretty little outfit you decided to dress yourself in that day, if you had slept well the night before, if you were safe, if you were okay.
• If you were thinking of him too.
• Soon enough, the mere passing thoughts and silly daydreams turned into deep-seated longing. An ache for you that pervaded his chest. An ache to see you, to hear your voice, to protect you, to hold you.
• He needed you.
• He ached for you to need him too.
• You were hit with a wave of whiplash when he got back from his mission.
• Suddenly, he was popping up left and right. Most times from afar, silently keeping an eye on you. You'd catch him in the corner of your eye as you went about your day, or feel his watchful gaze on you, only to spot no sign of him when you turned to look around.
• He was there, though. An ever-looming presence in each and every day.
• If it were anyone else, you'd be frightened. But for some reason, knowing Simon was around, even at a distance, made you feel...safe.
• It also confused you. Why did he go from avoiding you to spending every moment of his spare time around you?
• Why hadn't he attempted to speak to you?
• One day, you'd finally had enough.
• The next time you'd caught him watching you from afar, you beelined straight towards him.
• It would've made you giggle, watching him grow visibly tense as he straightened his spine, eyes darting towards the nearest exit. But, you were committed to appearing serious to him. Him avoiding you for weeks and then stalking you like a creep was no laughing matter!
"Hello, Simon."
Stood rigidly before you, Simon cleared his throat, his mask hiding what you were sure to be a similarly tense and nervous face.
"Hello."
"Whatcha doin'?" you asked in a sing-song tone, though your eyes held an interrogatory intensity as they remained locked on his.
He broke contact with your eyes, and you had to stifle the smirk that tugged at your lips when you caught sight of his throat bobbing beneath his balaclava.
"I-erm, nothing."
You let the silence drag on for a moment, watching as his eyes flickered to and from you as he visibly struggled to decipher what your intentions were, before finally putting him out of his misery.
Simon nearly flinched when you suddenly presented a water bottle to him in your outstretched hand.
"Good. Can you help me open this?"
Your small smile seemed to set his nerves at ease a bit as he silently nodded, grabbing the bottle and giving it a simple twist before handing it back to you.
A sweeter smile was offered to him now as you took the bottle from him. "Thanks!"
Another silent nod from the burly man was enough to make you take things one step further.
He grew tense again when you took his hand and began pulling him towards where you were before.
"Come on, then! If you're gonna be a stalker, you might as well be a useful one."
• The two of you worked on completing your task together, and slowly but surely, you managed to pull Simon out of his shell. He began talking to you more, responding verbally instead of silent nods and quiet hums.
• You'd caught him staring a few times, and simply giggled at him before returning your eyes to what you were focusing on before.
• Normally, this kind of interaction would leave him wanting to run as far away from it as he could.
• Surprisingly though, he found himself enjoying it. Somehow, you'd managed to make him feel...safe.
• A switch had flipped in Simon's heart. Suddenly, he wasn't quite as terrified anymore.
• Maybe this whole relationship thing wasn't such a bad idea, after all? Beats being cold and alone and missing you by a long shot.
• Before, he couldn't stand being around you. Now, he couldn't stand to be away from you.
• Nor could he bear the thought of a future without you in it.
• When he met you, he knew you were different, but never had he expected you to be such a powerful force of change in his life; melting away his cold, steely exterior and exposing his battered heart to your mercy.
• All it took was one soft smile, a gentle touch, a knowing look, to anchor him to you—every fear dissipating as he looked to you as his guiding light.
➼ He decided then that he was alright with falling, so long as you'd be there to catch his heart in the end.
➼ Main Masterlist ➼ Request Info
‣Taglist: @jslittlebirdie @alittlesmartcookie
‣ If you’d like to join the taglist for Simon Riley/Ghost, let me know by sending me an ask/message, or comment on this post!
‣ Summary: Cuddles with J can be sweet...but quite dangerous too...
‣ Genre: fluff
‣ Warnings: grumpy/soft!J, super tiny suggestive hint somewhere, casual mention of murder, lightly proofread.
‣ Word Count: 947
‣A/N: Was going through my old notes and found this. While I haven't written for Jack in a long time, and probably won't write any new material anytime soon (unless inspiration miraculously hits again), I figure the Joker fandom is always in need of more content, right? So, here you go! (Maybe I'll post some of my other old J notes/drabbles sometime as well?)
◇──◆──◇──◆──◇──◆──◇──◆──◇──◆──◇──◆──◇──◆
◆ J would never say it, but he loves cuddling. HUGE cuddler, this one.
◆ He loves to be enveloped by you.
◆ Sometimes he'll come up to you, no words spoken, but distinct intention in his eyes as he crawls into bed, wraps his arms around you, and dives into your neck.
◆ You're not even surprised by this anymore. In fact, you look forward to it. These moments don't happen every day.
◆ When it does happen, you are quick to wrap your arms and legs around him, giving him what he wants.
◆ Each time, he lets out a sigh as his entire body relaxes.
◆ Doesn't matter the position, so long as all of your limbs are wrapped around his body.
◆ You're like his personal weighted blanket, pillow, and teddy bear all in one.
◇ (He's the real teddy bear in this relationship, but you better keep that to yourself.)
◆ You plan to wake up early in the morning to get things done? FORGET IT. Work? HA! AS IF…
◆ No, no, no, YOU are gonna stay right where J wants you to. Safe and sound in his arms.
◇ (More like chained and bound in his arms because there's no way in hell he's letting you go anywhere.)
◆ You try to move and suddenly he's growling a warning into your neck like a predator to its prey.
◇ "Nuh-uh...Don't even think about it."
◆ Sometimes no coherent words are spoken, and all that's heard is a low grumble of annoyance.
◆ Like a python, each time you move, even slightly, his arms grow tighter around you.
◆ Don't worry, though, he makes sure to leave just enough room for you to breathe (barely).
◆ It's a borderline hostage situation, but so long as you give the man what he wants, you'll be just fine.
◆ Now, it is no secret that J is NOT a morning person. At least, not in the usual way…
◆ He does his best work in the darkest hours of the night through early morning, scampering around the city of Gotham and leaving chaos in his wake.
◆ If he happens to be home, the only way he'll ever get to bed is if you physically drag him to it—usually at some ungodly hour of the morning. Otherwise, he'll go for days without sleep until his body completely crashes on its own.
◆ Even when he's asleep, he holds you tightly, almost as if he's afraid you'll go running off during his slumber. He can't have that…
◆ If you do manage to get him to bed, especially if you're lucky enough to get him to bed at somewhat of a reasonable time, you best leave him be.
◆ At this point, there is an unspoken rule between the two of you. You want him to sleep? You're staying with him the whole time. And if you wake him up too early? Be prepared to face the beast that will certainly arise.
◆ See, you may have had your full beauty sleep by the time the morning hours hit, but J certainly hasn't. Waking J up too early is a hornet's nest you don't wanna go poking at.
◆ That said…You secretly love grumpy J…
◆ Grumpy J has been known to kill anyone who disturbs his sleep on the spot. He's ruthless and unforgiving. Downright dangerous.
◆ But to you? To you, he's harmless. Cute, even.
◆ J would NEVER hurt you (minus a few exceptions, *wink, wink*).
◆ He may still be grumpy and growly and demanding. And he may certainly deny your lungs from being filled with the proper amount of oxygen. But he would never hurt you.
◆ In fact, you tell him his grip is too tight, he'll loosen up for you. Not too much, of course. And if you're REALLY lucky, he'll even press a little kiss to your skin, wherever his lips can reach—one of the smallest, yet loudest forms of fondness and care that Grumpy J is capable of showing.
◆ Don't get me started on how much J LOVES your affection during cuddle time. Even Grumpy J would never deny your love, though he may pout and grumble his way through it.
◆ One thing about J is HE'S A LIARRRR… An exceptionally honest man in most cases with you, except for when it comes to how much he adores your love for him—in all of its many forms.
◆ As much as he tries to hide this, his body always gives the truth away.
◆ You pet his hair, or—even better—run those gentle fingers through it? He's already melting into you, borderline purring like a cat.
◆ Kisses? Your lips? Anywhere? He's fucking done for. It may not appear as so on the outside, but so help him, he's spinning out of control on the inside. His heart is racing, his body is tingling, his head is spinning. Only you give him that kind of rush. And, oh, does he love you for that.
◆ Your hands caressing his back, fingertips gently tracing over the scars on his chest and arms, drawing new shapes on his skin. If you've reached this stage, he's already a big pile of mush. There's no hiding it now and he knows it. Your touch makes him go loopy in the best fucking way.
◆ The moments when you wrap yourself around him, encasing him with your entire body are quite literally the only moments he feels truly safe and content. Will he EVER say any of this to you? ABSOLUTELY NOT. But, he doesn't have to. You know. And he knows you know. And that's all that matters.
◆ So please, for his sake and yours, give the man his cuddles. And don't expect to be released for quite some time after…
◇──◆──◇──◆──◇──◆──◇──◆──◇──◆──◇──◆──◇──◆
L!Joker/Jack Napier Masterlist
Main Masterlist
‣Taglist: @jslittlebirdie @alittlesmartcookie
‣ If you’d like to join the taglist for Ledger!Joker/Jack, let me know by sending me an ask/message, or comment on this post!
‣ Pairing: Castiel x Reader (intended as romantic, but can potentially be viewed as platonic ?)
‣ Genre: Fluff, comfort
‣ Summary: A letter to you, from Castiel.
‣ Warnings: Vague reference to difficult times and poor mental/emotional wellbeing.
‣ Word Count: 671
‣ A/N: This was originally written on a whim for my bestie @jslittlebirdie, but I've decided to share it with the rest of the world as well. Perhaps other fellow Castiel lovers will appreciate what he has to say.
Y/N,
I can sense you are in need of some thoughtful reminders and perspective, as I know you’ve been going through a particularly difficult time recently that has caused you to slip into a state of jaded oblivion. It is my greatest hope that with the repetition of these words, woven into the letters I write for you while you sleep, that you will someday come to understand them to be true in the same way that I do.
Thoughts of you occupied my mind after you had drifted off to sleep tonight. I suppose that's not surprising news, as I'm always thinking of you, in some shape or form.
This time, though, as I watched your delicate lashes flutter ever so softly in your slumber, and the way your lips remained slightly pouted while I smoothed a thumb over your furrowed brow—a reflection of the stress that haunts even your dreams of late, I was suddenly hit with a near-overwhelming wave of gratitude. I, Heaven's most abhorred angel—second only to Lucifer himself—am so immensely blessed by the opportunity of not just bearing witness to the beautiful soul and being that is you, but to truly see you, to know you, to love you, and be with you. How and why I've been so generously bestowed this blessing is beyond my realm of knowledge. I certainly don't deserve you—not after all that I've done. But I'm nonetheless grateful I'm here, experiencing every fleeting fluctuation of life by your side.
You make me feel like all of this, all the bitterness of this world and life on Earth, is worth it. You've made me see that the harsh cruelty of existence is only outweighed by the beauty and love that lies all around and within us; some of it temporary, some everlasting. I see so much beauty and love in you, and it is one of many reasons I cherish you so dearly.
You are a beacon of hope and solace in this world. I spend my days orbiting you like the planets do the Sun; observing you, admiring you, looking to you for the unspoken answers I've misguidedly sought in every other being, mission, and location before I finally met you. By merely existing as yourself, you answer my questions, soothe my existential woes. You help me see what really matters in this world, and that life truly is worth living, even when it seems so incredibly dismal and burdensome.
All I have to do is look to you, and I am at once reminded of how lucky I am to have a companion to trudge through the darkness with. You are my guiding light, and you are also my best friend. I strive every day to embody these roles for you, as well. I know in the deepest part of my being that as long as we have each other, we can get through anything. So keep holding on, keep fighting. If not for yourself, then for me.
Open your eyes to the beauty and love, big and small, all around and inside of you. It is always there, if you so choose to see it. Observe it, admire it, cherish it, hold onto it. That will be, what I can say with certitude, the crutch and guiding force that will get you through any dark times you may face.
Remember, you'll always have me, whether it be physically by your side, or watching over you in spirit. I won't leave you alone, and my love for you will carry on far beyond your expiration.
In this vast, ever-changing universe, there remains a constant source of light, beauty, and love to anyone who is lucky enough to experience the magnificent soul that is you. What a blessing you are to this world. How much bleaker it would be without you. How truly lost and deficient I'd be without you. Even when you fail to see it, just know that I never will.
I never will.
-Castiel
➼ Main Masterlist ➼ Request Info
‣Taglist: @jslittlebirdie @alittlesmartcookie
‣ If you’d like to join the taglist for Castiel, let me know by sending me an ask/message, or comment on this post!
‣ Summary: Katsuki is convinced that you are in love with Eijirou, and not him. He tries to do what he thinks is right by keeping his feelings suppressed and hidden from you, instead of trying to get between the happiness of the two people he cares about the most. His plan quickly begins to fall apart the moment you confront him, and his selfish urges take over.
‣ Warnings: Angst, Katsuki being sad and having low self-esteem, false unrequited love, making out, Reader uses the “girl’s” elevator (but we can just pretend gender plays no part in the placement of the dorm rooms in this scenario), the word “fuck” is used a lot, repeated use of "noose" metaphor? idk
‣ Word Count: 5,798
‣ A/N: There is a Kiribaku x Reader version of this here, if you’re interested!
Main Masterlist
Katsuki Bakugou was a selfish man.
He had begrudgingly accepted this truth a long time ago. Despite how it appeared on the surface, he was quite self-aware. Sure, it didn’t require that much self-reflection to figure it out, considering he’d been told this very truth by others around him multiple times throughout his life—at least by the ones that were brave enough to do so—but that’s beside the point. He still came to be aware of it, one way or another.
He could remember the early days of his youth as a spoiled, entitled brat. Even before his quirk developed, he always poised himself as superior to others. He was as selfish as they came. Throwing fits when he didn’t get his way, hurting people around him to ease the raging storm of feelings that were too big for his little body, always stealing the spotlight from others, expecting praise and rewards for every little thing he did. Kids are inherently selfish, to some degree, but little Katsuki blew every kid in his grade out of the water, in this regard.
Things didn’t improve all that much as he grew older, but he did get a little better. At least he no longer threw tantrums over not getting ice cream after school or every time he was told “no.” And he no longer sought praise for merely breathing. He preferred to truly earn his title as “the best” at whatever he decided to do—even if that meant knocking some other kids down to get there faster. A minor improvement, but his selfish nature was still wildly out of control. Even when he did recognize it, he didn’t care enough to fix it. He was already seen as an asshole; what was the point in trying to change the minds of people he saw as below him?
It wasn’t until he broke free of his ass-kissing, follower friends and met you and the other friends “extras” from his class at UA that he finally began to really see and care about his selfish ways—especially how they affected the people he truly respected and cared about. Katsuki wasn’t devoid of a heart, despite what many people believed. He wasn’t incapable of feeling remorse for his actions and of learning how to be a better person. He just never had the proper tools or guidance to be able to grow into the person that he, deep down, wanted to be.
That, and he didn’t have the same motivation before as he suddenly did when you stepped into his life. You pushed him to be better, just by being yourself. Katsuki was inspired by you from the moment he met you. The way you carried yourself and the way you managed to handle him and all that came with being his friend. It only made him respect you more. And as he inevitably began to fall for you, he felt the desire to be a better person for you grow even stronger. He wanted to prove to you that he was worth keeping around, even if he wasn’t always “the best” at everything. The last thing he wanted was to lose you over his problematic ways.
To his luck, you were one of the most tolerant people he had ever met. That didn’t mean you never called him out on his shit, though. Katsuki deeply valued you for that. He had grown to be more open and accepting of critical feedback, specifically if it came from you. How could he become a great hero, never mind a great man, if he refused any and all feedback that wasn’t positive?
That said, it still wasn’t easy for him to so easily accept when he was wrong. And it was even more difficult for him to push past his pride enough to apologize for it. But all it took was one look from you to make him give in and do just that. How you managed to gain such power over him, he’d never understand. If he wasn’t so damn in love with you, he’d hate you for it.
He still hated you for it. But in a “fuck you for making me love you so much” kind of way.
If it wasn't for his internal commitment to be a better person—one that you could be proud to know—he would have given into his selfish urges, stolen your heart, and claimed it as his a long time ago.
Katsuki had quickly come to learn that being a good person sucks.
“Oh, Eiji texted. He said he’ll be here soon! I invited him. Figured you wouldn’t mind. He said he needs all the help he can get for this upcoming exam,” you said as you began typing a message back to him.
“Fucking hell.”
“Huh?”
You looked up at Katsuki after hearing him grumble something unintelligible under his breath. His eyes met yours for only a brief moment before he averted his gaze, gesturing to the open books in front of you.
“Nothing. Get back to studying! Do you wanna pass that exam, or what?”
You threw your head back as you groaned. “Can’t we just take a little break? Eiji’s not even here yet and we have so much time left to work on this!”
Katsuki pointed his pen at you. “You might have time, but I don’t. You’re lucky I’m even using my spare time to help you idiots with this!”
You rolled your eyes. “You wanted to study for this test too. And you’re the one always preaching about how it’s important to take breaks!”
Before he could respond, you shut your book and looked at him inquisitively.
“So…what were you thinking about before? You looked…more annoyed than usual. Am I annoying you?”
“What the hell do you mean? I don’t look like anything!”
He could see you trying to stifle a laugh, though behind it was a glint of concern in your eyes.
“You look like something is really bothering you, is all.”
“Yeah. You are! Shut up and get back to work,” he growled, though you felt no real malice behind it. You had quickly learned long ago not to take the hotheaded blonde’s rude attitude seriously, often times finding it to be more of a protective shield than anything else.
“Okay, whatever you say,” you said, holding your hands up defensively with a slightly amused smirk on your face. Katsuki huffed in response as he looked away.
Giggling at his strange, yet all too familiar behavior, you opened your textbook again, only to be distracted less than a minute later by another ding from your phone. Katsuki could already tell it was another text from Eijirou by the way you smiled at your screen when you read it. You only ever smiled like that when reading the redhead’s messages, much to Katsuki’s chagrin.
“Fuck you,” Katsuki thought as he stared at you from across the table, frustration and hurt bubbling within his chest.
The truth was, you had the strange ability to make his heart flutter and his stomach do flips and his hands sweat like crazy and fill his brain with so many thoughts of you, he couldn’t focus on anything else. You did all this just by existing as your stupidly beautiful, perfect self.
You even made him feel this way when you looked your “worst”. Beaten up after a bad fight, sleep deprived with bags under your eyes, after—very ungracefully—shoving a giant serving of food into your mouth, just waking up with messy hair and crusty eyes and morning breath, sick with snot constantly leaking out of your nose. All of this, and he was still head over heels, swooning over you like a fool. And dammit, did it piss him off.
Even worse, he knew you had feelings for his redheaded friend and not him. He couldn’t blame you for this. He was a damn lovable idiot. A good guy, all around. The kind of man Katsuki wished he could be more like.
He couldn’t blame Eijirou for loving you either. As far as he was concerned, how could anyone not fall for you?
Katsuki loved your entire personality—even the parts that frustrated him most. Especially those parts. On top of that, you were absolutely gorgeous. When he begrudgingly thought of you and Eijirou together, he couldn’t deny that the two of you would make an amazing couple—looks-wise and personality-wise.
It infuriated him to no end. He wanted to hate you both, push you away, relocate somewhere far away so that he’d no longer have to bear the pain of seeing the two of you flirting together, laughing at each other’s jokes, hugging one another, and inevitably doing all the things that couples do. All the things that Katsuki wanted so desperately to do with you.
But he couldn’t, no matter how hard he tried. There was no way he could bring himself to not only truly hate you, but to go on living life without you. He would likely never admit it, but you had become so interwoven in his life and his heart, that an existence without you just seemed so bleak and empty.
So, as much as it pained him to sit through hangouts and study sessions and the like, all while bearing witness to how close, how touchy, how obviously in love, you were with Eijirou and not him, he chose to stick around and keep his mouth shut. He could have pulled the “dibs” card if he wanted to with Eijirou; tell him he loved you first, so he better back off and let him have you. But that wasn't what a good person would do. So instead, he made a solemn promise to himself not to utter a word about his feelings for you, ever.
For once, he saw exactly what he wanted, right in front of him, and he chose not to take it. He chose not to ruin whatever closeness he did have with you. But more importantly, he chose not to ruin you and Eijirou’s chances at finding the happiness that you both deserved, far more than he did.
It was the most selfless thing he’d ever done. And it was the hardest thing he’d ever done too. He felt his heart break every time he saw the affectionate way you treated Eijirou, but he bit his tongue. He tried to shove his feelings down deeper and deeper, but they kept coming back up, tightening around his throat like a noose until he choked.
The truth became quite apparent to him at one point. Loving you from afar would be his undoing. And maybe he deserved it? Maybe this was his punishment for being an asshole and tearing others down for his own benefit for all those years.
He’d take his punishment. Just so long as he could continue to know you, even if he wanted to know you so much more.
God, he fucking loved hated you.
After the previous day’s study session, Katsuki needed a break from the two of you. He planned to spend most of the day training and holed up in his dorm, just to avoid you as much as possible; to set his mind straight and get his feelings back where they belonged—locked away in a dark unlabeled box in his mind, along with all of his other unwanted thoughts and feelings. He was starting to lose his composure around you, and when that happened, he always tried to stay out of your way for a few days until he was “fine” again.
“Fine” had lost all its meaning months ago, and yet, he found himself saying it all too often.
“You okay, Kats? You’re not really on your A game today,” you said as you walked over to help him off the ground for the second time that day.
Katsuki scoffed, a low growl brewing in his throat as he spoke. “I’m fuckin’ fine. Wasn’t planning on having you idiots around, distracting me.”
You and Eijirou seemed to have the same idea about working out and training that day. Katsuki ran into you both on his way to the gym. Almost turned around and booked it back to the dorms, but you happened to see him and waved him over to join the two of you. You smiled happily as you greeted him. It pissed him off so much, but he couldn’t say no to you when you looked so damn cute, asking him to join you with those pretty eyes sparkling as they looked up at him.
He wanted to curse you out. Tell you to fuck off and leave him alone.
Get out of his fucking head, already! Stop torturing him with that fucking adorable smile that made his heart clench in his chest! Stop being so fucking nice to him!
But he bit his tongue, salvaged whatever little composure and willpower he had left, and joined you both to train.
And he fucking sucked the whole time. It only added to his inner turmoil even more. He was too distracted. Too focused on you and the way you looked so fucking good when you were focused, when you had sweat dripping down your skin, when you were looking at him with those determined eyes while sparring, when you didn’t hold back against him.
At least you were more focused on him than Eijirou, at the moment. Katsuki had insisted that you both took turns going against him until he kicked both of your asses. He was on round three, at this point. He had lost to you both a total of three times in a row.
He knew that you and Eijirou were starting to question his strange behavior lately. He practically stormed out of his own dorm the day prior during your study session together. He didn’t say a word. Just got up and left.
Why?
Because you and Eijirou. That’s why.
When he came back, things were awkward as the two of you tried to ask him about it. He didn’t look at either of you when he told you to leave, not wanting you to see his red, glossy eyes.
It was embarrassing, to feel this weak.
Eijirou knocked on his door later that evening to talk to him. He didn’t answer.
Now the two of you were obviously trying to pretend that everything was normal, for his sake; trying to gently coax whatever was bothering him out of his system in hopes that he’d come around and get out of whatever shitty headspace he was in. You were being good friends, like usual. Always so attentive and thoughtful and caring.
He wanted to scream.
This time, he managed to defeat Eijirou, but he could tell his moves were slightly slower. He was going fucking easy on him. The redhead giving him a pity win only managed to send Katsuki over the edge.
By the time it was your turn, he wasn’t even fully present in his body anymore. All he was focused on was winning one round. Just one solid win was all he needed.
He moved on autopilot, blocking and countering all your attacks swiftly as they came. Thankfully, you weren’t holding back. For a moment, he felt like he was finally winning at something. The suffocating feelings began to dissipate as the adrenaline high began to kick in, filling him with a sense of power and control.
Until you called for a pause.
“What the fuck! Why?!” he barked, smoke wafting off of his hot hands.
Eijirou held a hand out at him, signaling him to back off as he ran towards you. “Chill the fuck out man, they're hurt!”
“Huh?”
It was only then that he realized you were holding your weight on one leg, struggling to keep yourself balanced as you tried to stand on your own. Eijirou was quick to catch you before you fell.
You had an ugly burn on your leg from one of his explosions. He thought he had released it far enough away from you to dodge it. He was clearly wrong.
Katsuki’s head was fuzzy as he stared at you, frozen in place. Eijirou inspected your wound, offering you sweet words of comfort and praise as he carefully wrapped it with gauze.
Damn it.
Katsuki could barely breathe now. The noose growing tight around his throat again.
“Come on, little hero. Let’s get you to Recovery Girl.” Eijirou lifted you up into his arms with ease, carrying you out of sight.
Your little whimper of pain shot straight through his heart.
Fuck.
“Come on, Katsuki!” Eijirou called out to him, slight urgency in his voice.
Katsuki remained frozen where he stood, hands clenched and chest heaving as he tried to fight back the tears that were building in his eyes. A million thoughts and feelings swirled inside of him, threatening to burst through the seams of his being.
“Kats?” Your voice sounded distant. It echoed in the background of his mind before it fully reached him.
“Go on without me,” was all he could say. He cringed at the way his voice wavered when he said it.
“Come on, man. You should-”
“Go!” Katsuki yelled, interrupting Eijirou’s attempt to change his mind.
All he heard after that was the sound of Eijirou’s footsteps as they faded away.
You and Eijirou had tried to reach out to Katsuki for four days. He somehow managed to avoid the two of you at every turn. He mostly stayed locked up in his dorm when school wasn’t in session. All calls went to voicemail. All texts left on read.
You even went as far as to try to get Sero or Mina to check in on him. Denki offered to give it a shot, but you declined. You knew he’d probably only aggravate him more, despite his best intentions.
Every plan of yours failed.
You missed your best friend. And despite Eijirou’s reassuring comments to you that he would come back soon, that he just needed some space, you were starting to crumble under the fear that maybe he wouldn’t. He had been acting strange lately, even before the most recent event occurred.
What if you had upset him? What if he was tired of being your friend? What if you were holding him back somehow?
Your thoughts spun in circles in your mind until you began to feel dizzy and sick to your stomach. After tossing and turning for hours that night, you headed down to the kitchen to make yourself some tea in hopes that it’d finally help you quiet your mind enough to allow you to get some much-needed sleep.
Thankfully, it did, because by the time Katsuki walked into the room to get some water after he couldn't sleep, you were passed out with your head on the table, your hair sprawled out messily around you and your half-empty mug of cold tea.
You looked beautiful.
“Fuck you,” Katsuki cursed you in his head as he stared down at your hunched over, sleeping form.
The common room was so quiet this late at night, he could clearly hear your little breaths with every rise and fall of your chest. You had drool slightly dripping out of one side of your parted lips and your cute fluffy bunny slippers on your feet—the ones he got for you that one day at the mall.
The sight made his heart flutter.
He huffed in a mixture of sadness and frustration as he turned to walk away, only to stop himself in his tracks after a few steps. He took one look back at you over his shoulder before sighing in defeat.
Walking closer, he worked up the courage to wake you and subsequently face you for the first time in four days. What came out was much more aggressive than he intended.
“Oi!”
You jumped and his heart clenched slightly. He bit the inside of his cheek as you looked up at him, sleepy and confused.
“Ka’ski?” your sweet voice, thick with sleep, filled his ears. He clenched his fists, the bitter taste of blood filling his mouth.
“Go to your dorm. You’re gonna end up with a fucked up neck and back sleeping like that, idiot.”
He began to walk away after that, heading towards the elevator at the end of the room. He didn’t get far, though. The unpleasant screech of a chair on the hard floor, followed by the far more pleasant feeling of your hand wrapped around his wrist stopped him right in his tracks.
“Wait!”
“Go to bed, Y/N,” Katsuki warned. The last thing he wanted was to have whatever conversation you were attempting to start with him.
“No. I can’t sleep, anyway. I just keep worrying about you. Please. Just tell me what’s wrong and what I can do to fix it,” you implored.
Katsuki was tense under your grip, but he didn’t try to pull away, even as he let out a loud huff of frustration.
“Just fuck off, okay? There’s nothing you can do.”
You stared at the back of his head with so much pain and sadness in your eyes. Katsuki could feel your gaze on him. He knew better than to look back at you. That look alone would break his heart more than anything else could.
“I won’t ever stop trying, Katsuki. I care about you so much. I miss you so badly. Please, just talk to me.” Your voice was starting to waver slightly as you spoke. Katsuki hated himself for being the reason behind your sadness and tears.
Even still, he couldn’t let you in on this. He just needed more time to sort out his feelings and lock them away, where they belonged. But after four days, he was still struggling to get himself back in order. All of it was starting to consume him, distract him, make him perform badly as a student and a hero in training. That part only encouraged him to avoid you even more. He wasn’t going to let stupid feelings ruin everything he had worked so hard for.
His silence only pushed you to speak again.
“Katsuki?”
“No.” He pulled away from your grip, but you reached out to grab him again.
“Katsuki, please!”
He spun around to face you, eyes brimming with tears as he yelled in your face.
“What?! You just can't leave shit alone, can you?! Just fuck off, already!”
You looked at him with heartbroken eyes, biting your lower lip to suppress its quivering as tears began to fall down your face.
Fuck.
Katsuki inhaled sharply as his broken and battered heart shattered to pieces in his chest. Both of you were silent as you stared at one another, unsure of how to progress the conversation without breaking into a fit of tears.
“Fuck, I’m…I’m sorry,” Katsuki mumbled, voice barely audible as he looked down at the ground between you. “Just leave me be, okay? You and Eijirou are better off without me, anyway.”
He pulled away from your grip and this time, you didn’t reach for him again. However, your voice still followed him as he walked further away from you.
“How could you say that? You mean the world to us, Kats! You’re our best friend! We need you. I need you. If this is about the other day, just forget about it. I’m fine. All is forgiven-”
“It’s not just about that.” He stopped in his tracks once more, back facing you.
“Then what is it about? Are you mad at me or Eijirou?”
Katsuki shook his head. Your confusion and desperation drew you closer to him. His feet remained glued to the floor.
“You’re not mad?”
“I-“ Katsuki stopped himself. “Just fuck off, Y/N. I’m not going to talk about it.”
“Why not?”
“Because!”
“Katsuki!”
"BECAUSE I- ugh!" he growled, "because it would be selfish of me to tell you! It’d only make things worse! I'm trying to be...fucking better than that."
You opened your mouth to speak, but he continued.
“It was selfish of me to stick around as long as I did. I should’ve just left the two of you be a long time ago. I thought I could-” He sighed. “Never mind. Point is, it’s gone too far. You even got hurt because of my stupid bullshit.”
“What has gone too far? Katsuki, stop talking like this. You’re not going anywhere. Let’s just sit down and talk this out.” There was a clear presence of fear in your tone as you reached out to grab his left hand that was clenched in a tight fist at his side.
He ripped himself away from you. “No. This conversation is over.”
The way he spoke, his voice quiet, lacking any of his usual attitude, made your stomach twist in knots. He sounded so sad, so weak, so defeated. It was completely unlike him, and it scared the shit out of you.
“I give you full permission to be selfish! Just fucking look at me! Tell me what’s wrong!” you begged.
At this point, you were seconds away from getting on your knees just to get his attention, or at the very least, pity. You couldn’t let him walk out of this room. You knew the chances of getting him to open up to you again after this were slim to none. This was it. You had to fight harder; show him you weren’t giving up on him, no matter how hard he pushed you away.
Katsuki was silent, but you could see the way his hands trembled at his sides; his head hung low, his chest heaving. You waited with bated breath behind him, praying he wouldn’t walk away.
Surprisingly, after what felt like a millennium, he turned to face you, his eyes still focused on the floor.
You were scared to make the wrong move, as if you were faced with a small, wounded animal that could scurry off if you so much as breathed the wrong way.
“Kats?” you whispered softly. “It’s okay.”
He shook his head. “No. It’s not.”
“Why do you say that? Katsuki, look at me.” You stepped forward and raised your hand, gently lifting his chin up so you could finally meet his eyes. What you saw broke your heart.
Red eyes glossed over with tears, lower lip trembling as he tried and failed to stifle the emotions that seemed to overtake him. Your eyes only filled with more tears of your own as you stared back at him sadly.
“I don’t want to see you happy without me,” he whispered, breaking the silence between the two of you.
Your brow furrowed in confusion. “What?”
“I want to be the reason you are happy. I want to give you everything you deserve and more.”
“Katsuki…You do make me happy. If anything, I am the least happy when you’re not around,” you said, fingers tracing down his wrist and giving his hand a small squeeze once he allowed you to grasp it. He only seemed to grow more upset at this as he looked down at your interlocked hands.
“But you don’t want me, you want him.”
“What are you talking about? Of course, I wa-” You froze as realization hit you. “Wait…”
Katsuki made a tsk sound. "Looks like you finally got it. Took you long enough."
You blinked at him. "I- Kats, if you have something to tell me, you better say it now."
"I think you know. Why don't you tell me?"
He was too scared to say it and you knew it.
"Katsuki-"
"Tell me."
You sighed, suddenly growing nervous as you began to second-guess if what you were about to say was actually correct. Katsuki's hold on your hand grew tighter as he awaited your answer. If he wasn't so focused on what you were about to say, he'd be embarrassed about the growing dampness between your palms.
"I...do you....do you have...feelings....for me?"
Katsuki’s silence was all the confirmation you needed. You let out a breath of relief.
“Kats-”
“Do you?” he asked, before clarifying. “Have feelings for me? If the answer is ‘no’, say it now and we’ll never speak about it again.”
You stepped closer to him, slippers touching his as you looked at him with soft eyes.
"What if the answer is ‘yes’?" you whispered.
For a moment, you both exchanged glances between eyes and lips, your hearts racing as you awaited the other’s move.
Finally, Katsuki spoke.
"Do I still have permission to be selfish?"
You nodded, and before you knew it, his hands were on either side of your face, and his lips were crashing against yours.
He pushed you against the nearby wall, never breaking his lips from yours, as he kissed you hungrily, desperately, lovingly. You ran your fingernails up the nape of his neck, weaving your fingers through his messy blond locks and earning a groan from him as he pulled you closer by your hips and deepened the kiss even more.
By the time he came up for air, you were both panting heavily. His grip on your hips didn’t loosen and neither did yours around his neck as you stared at each other speechlessly.
After a moment, your lips formed into a smile.
“Dumbass,” you teased.
Katsuki’s soft smile quickly faded into a bewildered frown. “Hah?”
“Eijirou is like a brother to me. I want you, Katsuki. It’s always been you. I love you.”
Katsuki visibly stopped breathing for a brief moment. You nervously continued to speak.
“I’ve been wanting to tell you, and Eijirou has been encouraging me to, but every time I tried, you stormed off, or were clearly out of it, so I was too nervous to bring it up.”
Katsuki growled. You looked at him, confused.
“What? Just say it,” you said.
“Fuck you!” he cursed.
You gasped. “Hey! Watch it, mister!”
“Fuck you for ruining my life by making me love you so goddamn much! And fuck you for not telling me sooner about your weird sibling dynamic and feelings for me and letting me suffer! Do you have any idea how painful it has been watching the two of you idiots and your stupid cutesy, touchy, flirty bullshit, every single day?!” he ranted, obviously frustrated, but not truly directed at you.
“First of all, we weren’t flirting. Also, I didn’t realize-”
“’Course you didn’t! I always thought you’d never return my feelings because it seemed obvious that you were obsessed with him.”
This time, he sounded sad. You cupped his face with your hands, gently running your thumbs over his soft cheeks.
“I have always been obsessed with you, Kats. Only you. It’s not that I didn’t want to be more forward and obvious with my affections for you, I was just never quite sure about your feelings for me and I didn’t want to cross any lines or make you uncomfortable,” you explained.
He let out a sigh, eyes closing as he relaxed into your touch.
“We should talk more about this tomorrow. Probably let Eijirou in on this too,” you said.
He nodded in agreement, soaking up the feeling of your touch; something he had dreamed of and desperately craved for so long. Finally, his dreams were coming true. He was melting between the palms of your hands, and he couldn't have been happier about it.
Now that he'd had a taste, he'd be damned if he were to ever let you go.
“You’re mine now. Got it?” he said, his hands slightly squeezing your hips as he looked into your eyes.
You smirked amusingly at him. “Woah there, don’t get too selfish now.”
Katsuki narrowed his eyes at you, his lips forming into an angry pout.
“Kidding! Don’t get your panties in a twist,” you said, giggling at the look on his face. You knew he hated it when you said that. You were just asking for trouble.
“That’s it! Get over here!” he said, reaching for your face as he tried to kiss you again.
If this was how he chose to punish you for teasing him, you weren’t complaining.
You laughed into the kiss before melting into him completely, allowing him to pull you even closer against him, his strong arms keeping you locked in place. The kiss quickly grew more tender as he savored every second of your soft lips on his.
You placed a hand on his chest at one point, signaling that you needed air. He grunted before reluctantly pulling away.
He pressed his forehead against yours, smirking at the way you grew visibly flustered under his intensely loving gaze.
“It’s late. W-We should get to bed."
He hummed in response. “Fine.”
Taking your hand, he walked you over to the elevator across the room, both of you still silently processing all that had just happened until you finally reached the large metal doorway.
You stepped inside the elevator, bidding him goodnight.
“Night,” he said, turning around and beginning to walk away.
His feet came to a halt when he felt a sudden, familiar urge take over him, and this time, he didn’t fight it. Before he knew it, he had his arm between the metal doors, forcing them to reopen.
“Kats-”
He interrupted you by crashing his lips against yours once more, cradling your face in his hands as he kissed you with everything he had. Every skipped beat of his heart, every pang in his stomach, every moment of longing, every loving thought he’d ever had of you flashed through his mind. For once, he wasn’t concerned about ruining anything, of hurting anyone, of losing you. All he cared about was satisfying the insufferable itch of longing and desire he’d carried for you all this time.
Finally, the noose was gone, the bad feelings dissipating while the others became one with his being. He could breathe again.
When he pulled away, he was smiling. He was happy.
And you were too. Happy because of him. Happy with him.
“You should be selfish more often,” you said, still trying to catch your breath.
Katsuki stopped the doors from closing in on him, his eyes still locked on you as he let out a chuckle.
“That’s a first. Be careful what you wish for, sweetheart.”
He backed out of the elevator, finally allowing the doors to close. You stared at him as heat rushed to your face, capturing a glimpse of his growing smirk until he was no longer in sight.
Katsuki Bakugou was a selfish man.
And oh, did you love every bit of him.
‣ If you enjoyed this fic, please like, comment, and/or reblog! Doing so not only keeps my blog alive, but also lets me know what you like and how to improve!
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‣ Summary: Katsuki is convinced that you and Eijirou are in love with each other, but not him. He tries to do what he thinks is right by keeping his feelings suppressed and hidden from you, instead of trying to get between the happiness of the two people he loves the most. His plan quickly begins to fall apart the moment you confront him, and his selfish urges take over.
‣ Warnings: Angst, Katsuki being sad and having low self-esteem, false unrequited love, making out, Reader uses the “girl’s” elevator (but we can just pretend gender plays no part in the placement of the dorm rooms in this scenario), the word “fuck” is used a lot, repeated use of a "noose" metaphor? idk
‣ Word Count: 6,350
‣ A/N: This is more of a Katsuki-centric fic, with a bonus fluffy kiribaku blurb at the end!
There is a Katsuki x Reader version of this here, if you’re interested!
Main Masterlist
Katsuki Bakugou was a selfish man.
He had begrudgingly accepted this truth a long time ago. Despite how it appeared on the surface, he was quite self-aware. Sure, it didn’t require that much self-reflection to figure it out, considering he’d been told this very truth by others around him multiple times throughout his life—at least by the ones that were brave enough to do so—but that’s beside the point. He still came to be aware of it, one way or another.
He could remember the early days of his youth as a spoiled, entitled brat. Even before his quirk developed, he always poised himself as superior to others. He was as selfish as they came. Throwing fits when he didn’t get his way, hurting people around him to ease the raging storm of feelings that were too big for his tiny body, always stealing the spotlight from others, expecting praise and rewards for every little thing he did. Kids are inherently selfish, to some degree, but little Katsuki blew every kid in his grade out of the water, in this regard.
Things didn’t improve all that much as he grew older, but he did get a little better. At least he no longer threw tantrums over not getting ice cream after school or every time he was told “no.” And he no longer sought praise for merely breathing. He preferred to truly earn his title as “the best” at whatever he decided to do—even if that meant knocking some other kids down to get there faster. A minor improvement, but his selfish nature was still wildly out of control. Even when he did recognize it, he didn’t care enough to fix it. He was already seen as an asshole, what was the point in trying to change the minds of people he saw as below him?
It wasn’t until he broke free of his ass-kissing, follower friends and met you, Eijirou, and the other friends "extras" from UA that he finally began to really see and care about his selfish ways—especially how they affected the people he truly respected and cared about. Katsuki wasn’t devoid of a heart, despite what many people believed. He wasn’t incapable of feeling remorse for his actions and of learning how to be a better person. He just never had the proper tools or guidance to be able to grow into the person that he, deep down, wanted to be.
That, and he didn’t have the same motivation before as he suddenly did when you and Eijirou stepped into his life. You pushed him to be better, just by being yourselves. Katsuki was inspired by you from the moment he met you. The way you carried yourselves and the way you managed to handle him and all that came with being his friend. It only made him respect you more. And as he inevitably began to fall for you, he felt the desire to be a better person for you grow even stronger. He wanted to prove to you that he was worth keeping around, even if he wasn’t always “the best” at everything. The last thing he wanted was to lose you over his problematic ways.
To his luck, you and Eijirou were some of the most tolerant people he had ever met. That didn’t mean you never called him out on his shit, though. Katsuki deeply valued you for that. He had grown to be more open and accepting of critical feedback, specifically if it came from you and Eijirou. How could he become a great hero, never mind a great man, if he refused any and all feedback that wasn’t positive?
That said, it still wasn’t easy for him to so easily accept when he was wrong. And it was even more difficult for him to push past his pride enough to apologize for it. But all it took was one look from you or Eijirou to make him give in and do just that. How you managed to gain such power over him, he’d never understand. If he wasn’t so damn in love with you, he’d hate you for it.
He still hated you for it. But in a “fuck you for making me love you so much” kind of way.
If it wasn't for his internal commitment to be a better person—one that you could be proud to know—he would have given into his selfish urges, stolen your hearts, and marked his claim on them a long time ago.
Katsuki had quickly come to learn that being a good person sucks.
“Oh, Eiji texted. He said he’ll be here soon! I invited him. Figured you wouldn’t mind. He said he needs all the help he can get for this upcoming exam,” you said as you began typing a message back to him.
“Fucking hell.”
“Huh?”
You looked up at Katsuki after hearing him grumble something unintelligible under his breath. His eyes met yours for only a brief moment before he averted his gaze, gesturing to the open books in front of you.
“Nothing. Get back to studying! Do you wanna pass that exam, or what?”
You threw your head back as you groaned. “Can’t we just take a little break? Eiji’s not even here yet and we have so much time left to work on this!”
Katsuki pointed his pen at you. “You might have time, but I don’t. You’re lucky I’m even using my spare time to help you idiots with this!”
You rolled your eyes. “You wanted to study for this test too. And you’re the one always preaching about how it’s important to take breaks!”
Before he could respond, you shut your book and looked at him inquisitively.
“So…what were you thinking about before? You looked…more annoyed than usual. Am I annoying you?”
“What the hell do you mean? I don’t look like anything!”
He could see you trying to stifle a laugh, though behind it was a glint of concern in your eyes.
“You look like something is really bothering you, is all.”
“Yeah. You are! Shut up and get back to work,” he growled, though you felt no real malice behind it. You had quickly learned long ago not to take the hotheaded blonde’s rude attitude seriously, often times finding it to be more of a protective shield than anything else.
“Okay, whatever you say,” you said, holding your hands up defensively with a slightly amused smirk on your face. Katsuki huffed in response as he looked away.
Giggling at his strange, yet all too familiar behavior, you opened your textbook again, only to be distracted less than a minute later by another ding from your phone. Katsuki could already tell it was another text from Eijirou by the way you smiled at your screen when you read it. You only ever smiled like that when reading the redhead’s messages, much to Katsuki’s chagrin.
“Fuck you,” Katsuki thought as he stared at you from across the table, frustration and hurt bubbling within his chest.
The truth was, you had the strange ability to make his heart flutter and his stomach do flips and his hands sweaty and fill his brain with so many thoughts of you, it couldn’t focus on anything else. You did all this just by existing as your stupidly beautiful, perfect self.
You even made him feel this way when you looked your “worst”. Beaten up after a bad fight, sleep deprived with bags under your eyes, after—very ungracefully—shoving a giant serving of food into your mouth, just waking up with messy hair and crusty eyes and morning breath, sick with snot constantly leaking out of your nose. All of this and he was still head over heels, swooning over you like a fool. And dammit, did it piss him off.
Even worse, he knew you had feelings for your redheaded friend and not him. He couldn’t blame you for this. He also found himself feeling similarly towards Eijirou, as he did you. He was a damn lovable idiot. A good guy, all around. The kind of man Katsuki wished he could be more like.
He couldn’t blame Eijirou for loving you either. As far as Katsuki was concerned, how could anyone not fall for either of you?
Katsuki loved your entire personality -even the parts that frustrated him most. Especially those parts. On top of that, you were absolutely gorgeous. When he begrudgingly thought of you and Eijirou together, without him, he couldn’t deny that the two of you would make an amazing couple—looks-wise and personality-wise.
It infuriated him to no end. He wanted to hate you both, push you away, relocate somewhere far away so that he’d no longer have to bear the pain of seeing the two of you flirting together, holding hands, laughing at each other’s jokes, hugging one another, and inevitably doing all the things that couples do. All the things that Katsuki wanted so desperately to do with you both.
But he couldn’t, no matter how hard he tried. There was no way he could bring himself to not only truly hate you, but to go on living life without you both. He would likely never admit it, but you had become so interwoven in his life and his heart, that an existence without you just seemed so bleak and empty.
So, as much as it pained him to sit through hangouts and study sessions and the like, all while bearing witness to how close, how touchy, how obviously in love, you and Eijirou were with one another and not him, he chose to stick around and keep his mouth shut. He made a solemn promise to himself not to utter a word about his feelings to either of you, ever.
For once, he saw exactly what he wanted, right in front of him, and he chose not to take it. He chose not to ruin whatever closeness he did have with the two of you. But more importantly, he chose not to ruin you and Eijirou’s chances at finding the happiness that you both deserved, far more than he did.
It was the most selfless thing he’d ever done. And it was the hardest thing he’d ever done too. He felt his heart break every time he saw the affectionate way you treated one another, but he bit his tongue. He tried to shove his feelings down deeper and deeper, but they kept coming back up, tightening around his throat like a noose until he choked.
The truth became quite apparent to him at one point. Loving you both from afar would be his undoing. And maybe he deserved it? Maybe this was his punishment for being an asshole and tearing others down for his own benefit for all those years.
He’d take his punishment. Just so long as he could continue to know you, even if he wanted to know you so much more.
God, he fucking loved hated you.
After the previous day’s study session, Katsuki needed a break from the two of you. He planned to spend most of the day training and holed up in his dorm, just to avoid you both as much as possible; to set his mind straight and get his feelings back where they belonged—locked away in a dark unlabeled box in his mind, along with all of his other unwanted thoughts and feelings. He was starting to lose his composure around you, and when that happened, he always tried to stay out of your way for a few days until he was “fine” again.
“Fine” had lost all its meaning months ago, and yet, he found himself saying it all too often.
“You okay, Kats? You’re not really on your A game today,” you said as you walked over to help him off the ground for the second time that day.
Katsuki scoffed, a low growl brewing in his throat as he spoke. “I’m fuckin’ fine. Wasn’t planning on having you idiots around, distracting me.”
You and Eijirou seemed to have the same idea about working out and training that day. Katsuki ran into you both on his way to the gym. Almost turned around and booked it back to the dorms, but you happened to see him and waved him over to join you. Both of you smiled happily as you greeted him. It pissed him off so much, but he couldn’t say no to you when you both looked so damn cute, asking him to join you with those sharp teeth and pretty eyes sparkling as you looked up at him.
He wanted to curse you both out. Tell you to fuck off and leave him alone.
Get out of his fucking head, already! Stop torturing him with those fucking adorable smiles that made his heart clench in his chest! Stop being so fucking nice to him!
But he bit his tongue, salvaged whatever little composure and willpower he had left, and joined you both to train.
And he fucking sucked the whole time. It only added to his inner turmoil even more. He was too distracted. Too focused on you and Eijirou and the way you both looked so fucking good when you were focused, when you had sweat dripping down your skin, when you were looking at him with those determined eyes while sparring, when you didn’t hold back against him.
At least the two of you were more focused on him than each other, at the moment. Katsuki had insisted that you both took turns going against him until he kicked both of your asses. He was on round three, at this point. He had lost to you both a total of three times in a row.
He knew that you and Eijirou were starting to question his strange behavior lately. He practically stormed out of his own dorm the day prior during your study session together. He didn’t say a word. Just got up and left.
Why?
Because you and Eijirou. That’s why.
When he came back, things were awkward as the two of you tried to ask him about it. He didn’t look at either of you when he told you to leave, not wanting you to see his red, glossy eyes.
It was embarrassing, to feel this weak.
Eijirou knocked on his door later that evening to talk to him. He didn’t answer.
Now the two of you were obviously trying to pretend that everything was normal, for his sake, trying to gently coax whatever was bothering him out of his system in hopes that he’d come around and get out of whatever shitty headspace he was in. You were being good friends, like usual. Always so attentive and thoughtful and caring.
He wanted to scream.
This time, he managed to defeat Eijirou, but he could tell his moves were slightly slower. He was going fucking easy on him. The redhead giving him a pity win only managed to send Katsuki over the edge.
By the time it was your turn, he wasn’t even fully present in his body anymore. All he was focused on was winning one round. Just one solid win was all he needed.
He moved on autopilot, blocking and countering all your attacks swiftly as they came. Thankfully, you weren’t holding back. For a moment, he felt like he was finally winning at something. The suffocating feelings began to dissipate as the adrenaline high began to kick in, filling him with a sense of power and control.
Until you called for a pause.
“What the fuck! Why?!” he barked, smoke wafting off of his hot hands.
Eijirou held a hand out at him, signaling him to back off as he ran towards you. “Chill the fuck out man, they're hurt!”
“Huh?”
It was only then that he realized you were holding your weight on one leg, struggling to keep yourself balanced as you tried to stand on your own. Eijirou was quick to catch you before you fell.
You had an ugly burn on your leg from one of his explosions. He thought he had released it far enough away from you to dodge it. He was clearly wrong.
Katsuki’s head was fuzzy as he stared at you, frozen in place. Eijirou inspected your wound, offering you sweet words of comfort and praise as he carefully wrapped it with gauze.
Damn it.
Katsuki could barely breathe now. The noose growing tight around his throat again.
“Come on, sweetheart. Let’s get you to Recovery Girl.” Eijirou lifted you up into his arms with ease, carrying you out of sight.
Your little whimper of pain shot straight through his heart.
Fuck.
“Come on, Katsuki!” Eijirou called out to him, slight urgency in his voice.
Katsuki remained frozen where he stood, hands clenched and chest heaving as he tried to fight back the tears that were building in his eyes. A million thoughts and feelings swirled inside of him, threatening to burst through the seams of his being.
“Kats?” Your voice sounded distant. It echoed in the background of his mind before it fully reached him.
“Go on without me,” was all he could say. He cringed at the way his voice wavered when he said it.
“Come on, man. You should-”
“Go!” Katsuki yelled, interrupting Eijirou’s attempt to change his mind.
All he heard after that was the sound of Eijirou’s footsteps as they faded away.
You and Eijirou had tried to reach out to Katsuki for four days. He somehow managed to avoid the two of you at every turn. He mostly stayed locked up in his dorm when school wasn’t in session. All calls went to voicemail. All texts left on read.
The two of you even went as far as to try to get Sero or Mina to check in on him. Denki offered to give it a shot, but you declined. You both knew he’d probably only aggravate him more, despite his best intentions.
Every plan of yours failed.
At one point, you couldn’t take it anymore and ended up crying to sleep in Eijirou’s arms one night. He shed a few tears himself as he tried to soothe your sadness and worry; all the while, he was struggling just as much.
You both missed your best friend. And despite your reassuring comments to each other that he would come back soon, that he just needed some space, you were both starting to crumble under the fear that maybe he wouldn’t. He had been acting strange lately, even before the most recent event occurred.
What if you had upset him? What if he was tired of being your friend? What if you were holding him back somehow?
Your thoughts spun in circles in your mind until you began to feel dizzy and sick to your stomach. After tossing and turning for hours that night, you headed down to the kitchen to make yourself some tea in hopes that it’d finally help you quiet your mind enough to allow you to get some much-needed sleep.
Thankfully, it did, because by the time Katsuki walked into the room to get some water after he couldn’t sleep, you were passed out with your head on the table, your hair sprawled out messily around you and your half-empty mug of cold tea.
You looked beautiful.
“Fuck you,” Katsuki cursed you in his head as he stared down at your hunched over, sleeping form.
The common room was so quiet this late at night, he could clearly hear your little breaths with every rise and fall of your chest. He spotted drool slightly dripping out of one side of your parted lips.
The sight made his heart flutter.
On your feet, he spotted those cute fluffy bunny slippers that him and Eijirou picked out for you one day at the mall. He remembered that day with fondness, how you all worked together in teams to find a pair of slippers for each other. In the end, Eijriou was happy to receive shark slippers and Katsuki was surprised with Grumpy Cat slippers. He could still hear both of your laughs as you made a comment about how his face matched his slippers perfectly.
Dammit, he missed your laughs so much.
He huffed in a mixture of sadness and frustration as he turned to walk away, only to stop himself in his tracks after a few steps. He took one look back at you over his shoulder before sighing in defeat.
Walking closer, he worked up the courage to wake you and subsequently face you for the first time in four days. What came out was much more aggressive than he intended.
“Oi!”
You jumped and his heart clenched slightly. He bit the inside of his cheek as you looked up at him, sleepy and confused.
“Ka’ski?” your sweet voice, thick with sleep, filled his ears. He clenched his fists, the bitter taste of blood filling his mouth.
“Go to your dorm. You’re gonna end up with a fucked up neck and back sleeping like that, idiot.”
He began to walk away after that, heading towards the elevator at the end of the room. He didn’t get far, though. The unpleasant screech of a chair on the hard floor, followed by the far more pleasant feeling of your hand wrapped around his wrist stopped him right in his tracks.
“Wait!”
“Go to bed, Y/N,” Katsuki warned. The last thing he wanted was to have whatever conversation you were attempting to start with him.
“No. I can’t sleep, anyway. I just keep worrying about you. Please. Just tell me what’s wrong and what I can do to fix it,” you implored.
Katsuki was tense under your grip, but he didn’t try to pull away, even as he let out a loud huff of frustration.
“Just fuck off, okay? There’s nothing you can do.”
You stared at the back of his head with so much pain and sadness in your eyes. Katsuki could feel your gaze on him. He knew better than to look back at you. That look alone would break his heart more than anything else could.
“I won’t ever stop trying, Katsuki. And neither will Eiji. We care about you so much. We miss you so badly. Please, just talk to me. If not me, then Eiji.” Your voice was starting to waver slightly as you spoke. Katsuki hated himself for being the reason behind your sadness and tears.
Even still, he couldn’t let you in on this. Neither you, nor Eijirou, could know. He just needed more time to sort out his feelings and lock them away, where they belonged. But after four days, he was still struggling to get himself back in order. All of it was starting to consume him, distract him, make him perform badly as a student and a hero in training. That part only encouraged him to avoid the two of you even more. He wasn’t going to let stupid feelings ruin everything he had worked so hard for.
His silence only pushed you to speak again.
“Katsuki?”
“No.” He pulled away from your grip, but you reached out to grab him again.
“Katsuki, please!”
He spun around to face you, eyes brimming with tears as he yelled in your face.
“What?! You just can't leave shit alone, can you?! Just fuck off, already!”
You looked at him with heartbroken eyes, biting your lower lip to suppress its quivering as tears began to fall down your face.
Fuck.
Katsuki inhaled sharply as his broken and battered heart shattered to pieces in his chest. Both of you were silent as you stared at one another, unsure of how to progress the conversation without breaking into a fit of tears.
“Fuck, I’m…I’m sorry,” Katsuki mumbled, voice just audible as he looked down at the ground between you. “Just leave me alone, okay? You and Ei are better off without me, anyway.”
He pulled away from your grip and this time, you didn’t reach for him again. However, your voice still followed him as he walked further away from you.
“How could you say that? You mean the world to us, Kats! We’re fucking lost without you! We need you. If this is about the other day, just forget about it. I’m fine. All is forgiven-”
“It’s not just about that.” He stopped in his tracks once more, back facing you.
“Then what is it about? Are you mad at me or Eijirou?”
Katsuki shook his head. Your confusion and desperation drew you closer to him. His feet remained glued to the floor.
“You’re not mad?”
“I-“ Katsuki stopped himself. “Just fuck off, Y/N. I’m not going to talk about it.”
“Why not?”
“Because!”
“Katsuki!”
"BECAUSE I- ugh!" he growled, "because it would be selfish of me to tell you! It’d only make things worse! I'm trying to be...fucking better than that."
You opened your mouth to speak, but he continued.
“It was selfish of me to stick around as long as I did. I should’ve just left the two of you be a long time ago. I thought I could-” He sighed. “Never mind. Point is, it’s gone too far. You even got hurt because of my stupid bullshit.”
“What has gone too far? Katsuki, stop talking like this. You’re not going anywhere. Let’s go wake Eiji and we’ll talk this out.” There was a clear presence of fear in your tone as you reached out to grab his left hand that was clenched in a tight fist at his side.
He ripped himself away from you. “No. This conversation is over.”
The way he spoke, his voice quiet, lacking any of his usual attitude, made your stomach twist in knots. He sounded so sad, so weak, completely defeated. It was completely unlike him, and it scared the shit out of you.
“I give you full permission to be selfish! Just fucking look at me! Tell me what’s wrong!” you begged.
At this point, you were seconds away from getting on your knees just to get his attention, or at the very least, pity. You couldn’t let him walk out of this room. You knew the chances of getting him to open up to you again after this were slim to none. This was it. You had to fight harder; show him you weren’t giving up on him, no matter how hard he pushed you away.
Katsuki was silent, but you could see the way his hands trembled at his sides; his head hung low, his chest heaving. You waited with bated breath behind him, praying he wouldn’t walk away.
Surprisingly, after what felt like a millennium, he turned to face you, his head still facing the floor.
You were scared to make the wrong move, as if you were faced with a small, wounded animal that could scurry off if you so much as breathed the wrong way.
“Kats?” you whispered softly. “It’s okay.”
He shook his head. “No. It’s not.”
“Why do you say that? Katsuki, look at me.” You stepped forward and raised your hand, gently lifting his chin up so you could finally meet his eyes. What you saw broke your heart.
Red eyes glossed over with tears, lower lip quivering as he tried and failed to stifle the emotions that seemed to overtake him. Your eyes only filled with more tears of your own as you stared back at him sadly.
“I don’t want to see you happy without me,” he whispered, breaking the silence between the two of you.
Your brow furrowed in confusion. “What?”
“I want to be the reason you are happy. I want to give you everything you deserve and more. Both of you.”
“Katsuki…You do make us happy. If anything, we are the least happy when you’re not around,” you said, fingers tracing down his wrist and giving his hand a small squeeze once he allowed you to grasp it. He only seemed to grow more upset at this as he looked down at your interlocked hands.
“But you don’t want me, you want each other.”
“What are you talking about? Of course, we wa-” You froze as realization hit you. “Wait…”
Katsuki made a tsk sound. "Looks like you finally got it. Took you long enough."
You blinked at him. "I- Kats, if you have something to tell me, you better say it now."
"I think you know. Why don't you tell me?"
He was too scared to say it and you knew it.
"Katsuki-"
"Tell me."
You sighed, suddenly growing nervous as you began to second-guess if what you were about to say was actually correct. Katsuki's hold on your hand grew tighter as he awaited your answer. If he wasn't so focused on what you were about to say, he'd be embarrassed about the growing dampness between your palms.
"I...do you....do you have...feelings....for me and Eiji?"
Katsuki’s silence was all the confirmation you needed. You let out a breath of relief.
“Kats-”
“Do you?” he asked, before clarifying. “Have feelings for me? If the answer is ‘no’, say it now and we’ll never speak about it again.”
You stepped closer to him, slippers touching his as you looked at him with soft eyes.
"What if the answer is ‘yes’?" you whispered.
For a moment, you both exchanged glances between eyes and lips, your hearts racing as you awaited the other’s move.
Finally, Katsuki spoke.
"Do I still have permission to be selfish?"
You nodded, and before you knew it, his hands were on either side of your face, and his lips were crashing against yours.
He pushed you against the nearby wall, never breaking his lips from yours, as he kissed you hungrily, desperately, lovingly. You ran your fingernails up the nape of his neck, weaving your fingers through his messy blond locks and earning a groan from him as he pulled you closer by your hips and deepened the kiss even more.
By the time he came up for air, you were both panting heavily. His grip on your hips didn’t loosen and neither did yours around his neck as you stared at each other speechlessly.
After a moment, your lips formed into a smile.
“We’ve been wanting to tell you,” you confessed.
Katsuki’s soft smile quickly faded into a bewildered frown. “Hah?”
“Eijirou and I, we want you, Katsuki. As far more than a friend.”
Katsuki visibly stopped breathing for a brief moment. You nervously continued to speak.
“But there’s no pressure or anything! We just wanted to talk to you about how we feel, not just for each other, but for you. Every time we’d try, you stormed off, or were clearly out of it, so we were too nervous to bring it up.”
“How long?”
Now it was your turn to look confused.
“What?”
“How long have you and Eijirou been talking about this?”
“Well, we confessed to each other almost two weeks ago-”
“Two weeks?! Fuck you!” he cursed.
You gasped. “Hey! Watch it, mister!”
“Fuck you for ruining my life by making me love you so goddamn much! And fuck both of you for not telling me sooner and letting me suffer! Do you have any idea how painful it has been watching the two of you idiots and your stupid cutesy, touchy, flirty bullshit, every single day?” he ranted, obviously frustrated, but not truly directed at you.
“Aw, Kats…We didn’t realize-”
“’Course you didn’t! You were too wrapped up in each other! I always thought you’d never return my feelings because it was obvious you two were obsessed with each other.”
This time, he sounded sad. You cupped his face with your hands, gently running your thumbs over his soft cheeks.
“We have always been obsessed with you too, Kats. It’s not that we didn’t want to be that way with you too. We were just never quite sure about your feelings for us and we didn’t want to cross any lines or make you uncomfortable,” you explained.
He let out a sigh, eyes closing as he relaxed into your touch.
“We should talk with Ei tomorrow,” you said.
He nodded in agreement, soaking up the feeling of your touch; something he had dreamed of and desperately craved for so long. Finally, his dreams were coming true. He was melting between the palms of your hands, and he couldn't have been happier about it.
Now that he'd had a taste, he'd be damned if he were to ever let you go.
“You’re mine now. Got it?” he said, his hands slightly squeezing your hips as he looked into your eyes.
You smirked amusingly at him. “Woah there, don’t get too selfish now. You gotta share.”
Katsuki rolled his eyes. "I know, I know. I don't mind sharing. So long as it's with Shitty Hair, I can manage. That doesn’t mean you’re not mine, though!”
You giggled, pulling him in for another kiss, to which he happily obliged. This time, he kissed you back tenderly, savoring every second of your soft lips on his. You melted into him completely, allowing him to pull you even closer against him, his strong arms keeping you locked in place.
You placed a hand on his chest at one point, signaling that you needed air. He grunted before reluctantly pulling away.
He pressed his forehead against yours, smirking at the way you grew visibly flustered under his intensely loving gaze.
“It’s late. W-We should get to bed.”
He hummed in response. “Fine.”
Taking your hand, he walked you over to the elevator across the room, both of you still silently processing all that had just happened until you finally reached the large metal doorway.
You stepped inside the elevator, bidding him goodnight.
“Night,” he said, turning around and beginning to walk away.
His feet came to a halt when he felt a sudden, familiar urge take over him, and this time, he didn’t fight it. Before he knew it, he had his arm between the metal doors, forcing them to reopen.
“Kats-”
He interrupted you by crashing his lips against yours once more, cradling your face in his hands as he kissed you with everything he had. Every skipped beat of his heart, every pang in his stomach, every moment of longing, every loving thought he’d ever had of you flashed through his mind. For once, he wasn’t concerned about ruining anything, of hurting anyone, of losing you. All he cared about was satisfying the insufferable itch of longing and desire he’d carried for you all this time.
Finally, the noose was gone, the bad feelings dissipating while the others became one with his being. He could breathe again.
When he pulled away, he was smiling. He was happy.
And you were too. Happy because of him. Happy with him.
“You should be selfish more often,” you said, still trying to catch your breath.
Katsuki stopped the doors from closing in on him, his eyes still locked on you as he let out a chuckle.
“That’s a first. Be careful what you wish for, sweetheart.”
He backed out of the elevator, finally allowing the doors to close. You stared at him as heat rushed to your face, capturing a glimpse of his growing smirk until he was no longer in sight.
Katsuki Bakugou was a selfish man.
And oh, did you love every bit of him.
*The next day*
"Mannn...I can't believe you guys kissed for the first time and I wasn't even there for it!" Eijirou whined, an adorable pout on his face as he looked between the two of you.
"Are you jealous, Eiji?" you teased, lightly nudging him with your elbow.
"Yes! Do you know how long I've been waiting to kiss you both? It's been torture holding out from kissing you while waiting for Katsuki to get on board, and now I've come to find out that you two were making out for the first time without me?!"
Katsuki shrugged, nodding towards you. "They gave me permission. Blame them."
Eijirou scoffed. "I sure hope they did!"
"He means, I gave him permission to be selfish. I didn't know he was going to kiss me when I said that," you clarified.
"Oh, you knew, and you sure as hell didn't stop me."
"Well, of course not!" you said.
Katsuki smirked at you and you felt heat rush to your face. A brief knowing look was shared between the two of you as you recalled the events of the previous night.
Eijirou watched your silent interaction, his pout increasing as he whined. "I wanna kiss you both too!"
"You snooze, you lose," Katsuki said, breaking his stare away from you and taking a sip of his coffee.
Eijirou narrowed his eyes at him. "Scratch that. I definitely don't wanna kiss you right now."
"Hey!" Katsuki barked, looking at the redhead offendedly.
You giggled at them both, pressing a kiss to each of their cheeks.
"Both of you, hush. We have plenty of time for kissing later. Now, let's get to work! We can't fail this exam!"
Katsuki rolled his eyes, trying to fight off the growing redness on his cheeks. "Now look who's all ready to study, for once."
"Well, we gotta make sure we all pass! I'm not being left in the dust by the two of you just because of one stupid failed exam!" you said.
Eijirou’s eyes softened as he looked at you. "Aw, hun, we would never."
Katsuki nodded in agreement. "Damn straight. I'll make sure both of you idiots pass, even if I have to jam all the information into your heads myself."
"That always works with me! Right, Kats?" Eijirou flashed his sharp toothy smile.
Katsuki hummed, growing even more flustered over how cute the redhead looked when he smiled at him like that. Thankfully, you managed to draw the attention away from him long enough for him to hide his fond smile. He couldn't let either of you know just how soft he was for you, yet.
A giggle fell past your lips as you spoke. "Good for you, Eiji. But I'd like to refrain from developing a concussion the day before the exam."
Katsuki’s attention moved back to you, a cocky smirk growing on his face. "I could always kiss the information into you."
Eijirou gasped. "What?! No fair!"
"Both of you, be quiet and focus! Or no kisses at all!”
. . .
That shut them right up.
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