It’s been a hot minute but I finally have a new event to provide for everyone. This one was SO difficult to translate sensibly but it’s so funny so please, bear with me and my many, many translator notes
Summary:
Nishiki wants to gain favor with Kashiwagi the way he knows best: setting him up with a hot babe. Unfortunately for Nishiki, Kashiwagi has some very...... exacting and unconventional preferences. Unfortunately for Kashiwagi, Nishiki doesn’t seem to know a damn thing about cold noodles.
[1988. Shortly before the conflict over the Empty Lot...]
[After strengthening his position within the family by introducing his anikis to women, Nishikiyama Akira wanted to deepen his relationship with Kashiwagi Osamu.]
Nishiki: Seems you did well with Kishima-aniki the other day. Thanks. I owe you again. (tl note: 岸間 is the name and Kishima is the only one that comes up for it)
Young Woman: Yep! You can always count on meee!
<she leaves, Kashiwagi approaches>
Nishiki: Ah, Kashiwagi-san! ....G-Good work today!
Kashiwagi: Hey, good work. Keep working hard alongside Kiryu.
<Kashiwagi leaves>
Nishiki: Whew... Running into Kashiwagi-san all the sudden like that.
Nishiki: (He's got a real intimidating aura, so I haven't been able to build much of a relationship with Kashiwagi-san...)
Nishiki: (It'd be easier if I could just introduce him to a woman... but he seems like he'd be picky, and I feel like it'd just piss him off...)
<Kashiwagi returns>
Kashiwagi: ...Hey, Nishikiyama.
Nishiki: Eh? Ah, what's up? Did you drop something?
Kashiwagi: No, I just remembered something I wanted to ask you.
Kashiwagi: I heard you introduced Kishima a little while ago. Are you knowledgeable in that area?
Nishiki: (Kishima-aniki? Well, I did introduce him to a woman...)
Nishiki: Ehh... a little.
Kashiwagi: I see. Well if you find anything else good, introduce me.
Nishiki: ...Eh!!?? D-Do an introduction for Kashiwagi-san!? (tl note: I'm pretty sure there's some misunderstanding on what an introduction means here but without knowing exactly how Kashiwagi's interpreting it it's REALLY hard to translate this in a way that makes sense. the important part is that Kashiwagi has not said an introduction to a woman, just an introduction)
Kashiwagi: ...Yeah. The truth is, I love it to death. Sometimes I'll come three times a day.
Nishiki: Three times a day!? You really do love it...
Nishiki: (Three times a day, huh... he's got the stamina of a fresh teenager.... I can't believe that Kashiwagi-san is so into women...)
Nishiki: By the way... is it usually at a business?
Kashiwagi: Yeah, usually. Sometimes I do it at home by myself, though.
Nishiki: I-I see... But, isn't it really expensive to go to a business that often?
Kashiwagi: Expensive? At most it's 1,000 yen for a visit, that much is hardly worth being concerned with.
Nishiki: Eh... ah.... ahhh. So that's how it is. (tl note: Nishiki looking on in horror and concern upon learning Kashiwagi is banging the cheapest sex workers in town three times a day)
Nishiki: (Kashiwagi-san... Going to cheap establishments like that... Aren't diseases a problem?)
Nishiki: (.....Wait, I was so surprised I lost focus!)
Nishiki: (I have to introduce a great woman to Kashiwagi-san so that he will take a liking to me...!)
Nishiki: Well then... Could you tell me about your preferences so I can find one you'll like?
Kashiwagi: Preferences? Let's see... I think "men" and "koshi" are most important. (tl note: UNTRANSLATABLE WORDPLAY SORRY. men = noodles, but it can also mean face/looks. koshi = texture/thickness/body, but it can also mean hips. also I couldn't pass up on Nishiki asking what kind of woman Kashiwagi likes and him saying "men" lol)
Nishiki: Huh... looks {noodles}? It's a surprise that you're so into appearances {eating noodles}. (tl note: it's getting MORE UNTRANSLATABLE SORRRRYYYYY I'm putting what the character is intending to say and then {what the other character is assuming they're saying} like this)
Kashiwagi: Heh... If you say it like that, I guess that's true.
Nishiki: I'm guessing you like a thin waist {thickness}.
Kashiwagi: Thin? Eh, I don't mind if they're thin. What I really like is the "firm texture {strong hips, flexible and hard to break}" type.
Nisihiki: Hips {texture} that are... strong {firm}?
Kashiwagi: ........What? Is there something funny about that?
Nishiki: Ah, no! The type with strong hips {firm texture}, roger that!
Nishiki: (This is bad. If this keeps up he's going to get a poor impression of me. Strong hips... strong hips... I get it now!)
Nishiki: (Kashiwagi-san's a great fighter... So at night he must get pretty wild too.)
Nishiki: (So, he wants a woman with a strong core who won't break from some rough play, huh.)
Kashiwagi: The other day I ate some Korean.
Nishiki: U-Uh huh...
Nishiki: (He ate her... Kashiwagi-san... I guess he's the type to eat a woman out...)
Kashiwagi: "Nori" is also good. (tl note: nori = seaweed, but also vibe/mood)
Nishiki: Certainly having good vibes {seaweed} is important.
Kashiwagi: Yeah, good seaweed {vibes} is the way to go. "Kimuchi" is also vital. (tl note: kimuchi = kimchi, though Nishiki thinks he's saying kimochi, feeling good/good sensations)
Nishiki: Yep, it's always good to put some good feelings {kimchi} into it.
Nishiki: (...Kashiwagi-san... He's saying the words vibes and good feelings strangely... is it a dialect?)
Kashiwagi: Oh, and you absolutely have to put some cucumber in.
Nisihiki: ............Huh? Put a cucumber in?
Nishiki: (I have heard of that type of play before.... So he wants the kind of woman who won't get mad even if he puts vegetables in her.....?)
Kashiwagi: It's the incense, right? Without that it just feels incomplete. I like it so much that when that happens I'll just put it in myself. (tl note: by “it’s the incense” Kashiwagi means it’s the finishing touch; you burn incense at the end of a Buddhist ceremony)
Nishiki: K-Kashiwagi-san, you put it in yourself!? A cucumber!?
Nishiki: (Seriously... Better yet, how can you say something like that so freely in public...)
Kashiwagi: Mhm. I also like putting watermelon in.
Nishiki: A watermelon!? Something that big... you put it in!?
Kashiwagi: Hey now. Are you sure you're knowledgeable about this?
Kashiwagi: Obviously you don't put it in whole. You cut it down to a size that will fit, then put it in.
Nishiki: S-Sorry.
Nishiki: (Well that's a relief... But why go through the trouble of cutting a watermelon into small pieces to put it in... Couldn't he just use something else?)
Kashiwagi: Speaking of, earlier I found one that was exactly how I like it... I lost hold of myself and finished in 10 seconds flat.
Nishiki: T-... Ten seconds!!??
Kashiwagi: Heh, fast, right? At the time Boss Kazama laughed and said it was way too quick.
Nishiki: Y-You went to that place with Pops!!??
Kashiwagi: Yeah. What of it?
Nishiki: (I knew those two had a deep connection but... being together even at a time like that...)
Kashiwagi: It's great when it's plump and satisfying. It's crass, but I slurp it down loudly...
Nishiki: A-Ah... I think that's enough.
Kashiwagi: Hm? You sure?
Nishiki: Y-Yeah. I think I understand what you like pretty well now.
Nishiki: I'll find the perfect spot, can you wait until tomorrow?
Kashiwagi: ...I see. Heh, sure. Till then.
<he leaves>
Nishiki: Kashiwagi-san..... I never imagined you were into that kind of stuff.
Nishiki: Alright! I'm in no place to space out! I gotta find a woman who meets all those conditions quick!
Nishiki: ...A woman with a pretty face and a powerful rear, who will agree to get freaky and brings good vibes, huh.
<scene change to in front of a soba shop>
Nishiki: ...So you don't have any friends for this. I got it. Thanks for letting me know.
Nishiki: ...Damn. Another swing and a miss. If it were just freaky shit I could find someone... (tl note: literally “abnormal play” but “freaky shit” gets it across a little better haha)
Nishiki: But Kashiwagi-san cares a lot about looks. I'd love to introduce him to a rare beauty, but...
Young Woman: Nishikiyama-kuuun. Still looking for a woman?
Nishiki: Yeah. Do you by chance have someone in mind?
Young Woman: A cute girl with good vibes who will do kinky stuff, and has a well-trained bod? Actually I do have a friend like that~.
Nishiki: Seriously!? Do you have a picture?
Young Woman: Yep. Here she is. Her name is Honami-chan, by the way. (tl note: 保奈美 which is pretty much just Honami)
Nishiki: Woah! She's so beautiful. A girl this pretty doesn't have a boyfriend?
Young Woman: Mhm. That's because her ex-boyfriend is stalking her. She says every guy she meets ends up in the hospital.
Nishiki: All the men that meet her end up hospitalized? That's one seriously nasty ex-boyfriend.
Young Woman: For sure. But, you're a yakuza, so you could handle that, right? I'd like your help with that during the introduction.
Nishiki: ...I understand.
Nishiki: Alright, I'll handle the ex-boyfriend. Please introduce me to that Honami girl.
Young Woman: Waa! That's terrific Nishikiyama-kun! I'll get in touch!
<she leaves>
Nishiki: ...All the guys end up in the hospital, huh. That's kinda serious...
Nishiki: But after all this time I finally found a woman that I can introduce to Kashiwagi-san. As if I'd give up over a little danger.
<he leaves>
<Kashiwagi enters the scene>
Kashiwagi: .........?
<next scene>
Honami: Umm... Are you really going to help me?
Nishiki: Yep. If your ex-boyfriend shows up, I'll tell him "never bother Honami again".
Nishiki: In exchange, you'll help me with my aniki.
Honami: Y-Yes... But, my ex, he won a wrestling tournament back in the day, will you really be alright?
Nishiki: .......Eh?
Honami: Back where we were students. He was even considered for the Olympic team, but his behavior was awful and he ended up getting into trouble with his advisors and seniors--he beat 6 people until they were nearly dead and because of that he couldn't compete anymore and quit.
Honami: He still lifts 130 kg barbels so I'm not sure if you can actually win.... I'm sorry.
Nishiki: ....Seriously? Well, maybe it'd be good for me to call some pals--
???: Honami... You still haven't learned and you've snared another man, huh.
Nishiki: ....!
Nishiki: S-Strong... This is the ex you were talking about?
Honami: Y.... Yes.
Huge Ex-Boyfriend: Honamiii. Why don't you understand? I'm the only one who can make you happy.
Ex-BF: What's so great about this pansy!!!! (tl note: looking at the audience and turning the homophobia dial on how to translate the phrase ヤサ男, soft/delicate/effeminate man until someone starts booing me)
<he takes a swing at Nishiki, who sidesteps it>
Nishiki: Woah! Shit!
Ex-BF: Tch! Scampering around...! ....Hm!?
<Honami grabs hold of her ex>
Honami: N-Nishikiyama-san! Please escape!
Nishiki: ...! I'm sorry!
<he runs>
Ex-BF: ...! He's getting away!!
Nishiki: (The difference in size is too much... I need to get out of here and then call for backup.)
Honami: Kyaa!
Nishiki: ...!
<back in the alley>
Ex-BF: Honamiiiii... Why do you hate me... Even though I love you sooooo much!!!!
<he slaps her>
Honami: Woah!
<she collapses>
Ex-BF: Don't you fall down! If you won't get back together with me... I'll have to keep doing it!!
<Nishiki jumps in and takes the next slap in her stead, and she gets back up>
Honami: Nishikiyama-san...?
Ex-BF: Hmm? You're that fucker... what happened to running away?
Nishiki: If you hadn't raised your hand against Honami-chan, I could have gotten away no problem.
Ex-BF: .......You think you're hot shit? I'm not handing Honami overrr!!!!
<EVENT HAPPENS>
Ex-BF: Guh... Bastard....
<he collapses>
Nishiki: Haa... Haa... Did I do it...?
???: Hey. Are you still not done with that thing yet?
Nishiki: ...!
<a whole swarm of dudes rush in>
Hangure A: ...Hm? Why are you on the ground?
<ex-bf gets back up>
Ex-BF: Guh... it was... that bastard.
Hangure A: ...The hell? Fucker, you think you can get in the way of our pal and get off scot-free?
Nishiki: Those are... your ex-BF's crew, it seems...
Honami: Y... Yes. They're probably... members of the wrestling team he was on.
Nishiki: Seriously... I'm too gassed out to handle all of those guys too...
Hangure A: Rahh!
Nishiki: ...!
<Hangure A is punched>
Hangure A: Ghahh...
Nishiki: !?
<Hangure A collapses>
Nishiki: K-Kashiwagi-san!?
Kashiwagi: ...Are you alright, Nishikiyama?
Nishiki: Y-Yeah... But, what are you doing here?
Kashiwagi: I heard you say 'as if I'd give up over a little danger', and it was a little troubling.
Hangure B: Gramps! What are you doing!
Kashiwagi: ...Ha!
<he punches the poor bastards lights out>
Hangure B: Guhhh...
<and he collapses>
Kashiwagi: ...We'll figure everything out after we clean up this trash.
<fade to black where they presumably do just that>
Hangure C: Augh...
<he collapses>
Kashiwagi: That's all of them. Now, what is this all about?
Nishiki: The truth is--
Honami: S-So cool...
Nishiki: Eh?
Honami: U-Um, are you an acquaintance of Nishikiyama-san? Would it be alright if... I got your phone number?
Kashiwagi: I'm sorry, but I have to turn you down. I'm not someone on the straight and narrow. It's best if you don't get involved with me.
Honami: I-I see...
Nishiki: (...What the hell... After all that trouble, it turns out Honami isn't even Kashiwagi-san's type...)
Nishiki: ...Honami-chan, how about you head back home. And you. You're not going to keep following her around? Right?
<Ex-bf raises his head up>
Ex-BF: R-... Right...
<and collapses back down>
Nishiki: ...And that handles that.
Honami: Th-Thank you. I'm leaving now... And if you need me for any other jobs please let me know!
<she leaves>
Nishiki: Haa...
Kashiwagi: ...Nishikiyama. Did that woman know a delicious cold noodle place?
Nishiki: No, it was... wait... did you say cold noodle place?
Kashiwagi: Yeah. You said you'd introduce me to a good place, just like you did for Kishima, remember?
Nishiki: Wait, I did introduce Kishima-san to a cold noodle place but, Kashiwagi-san, it was because he wanted to meet a woman...
Nishiki: (...Huh? Wait a minute?)
<he has a sepia filter flashback to their previous conversations>
Nishiki: (Looking back on it... Kashiwagi-san never mentioned women a single time!)
Nishiki: (I get it now... When he was talking about doing it three times a day for 1,000 yen he was talking about going to cold noodle places...)
Nishiki: (When he talked about "men" and "koshi" he wasn't talking about his type of women, but his type of noodle... and him being "into appearances" was actually "eating noodles", wasn't it?)
Nishiki: (He wasn't putting cucumbers and watermelon up his ass either, just like the nori and kimchi he was talking about cold noodle ingredients...)
Nishiki: (And when he said he finished in 10 seconds, he didn't mean sex, he meant he finished off the noodles....)
Nishiki: (So that means... I just misunderstood it being about a woman this whole time...)
Nishiki: (Seriously... I thought this was my big chance...)
Kashiwagi: ...What's wrong?
Nishiki: Oh, nothing...
Nishiki: (...But, this guy likes cold noodles way too much! He was totally happy to keep chatting away about them...)
Nishiki: (Maybe Kashiwagi-san isn't such an unapproachable person after all?)
Nishiki: .....Um, actually I do know a place nearby with really good cold noodles.
Nishiki: I know it hardly counts as thanks for all your help, but, would you let me treat you to a meal?
Kashiwagi: It's near here?
Nishiki: Um, yeah.
Kashiwagi: Heh, not bad. I was just starting to get hungry.
Nishiki: ...! Well then let's go! This way!
[It wasn't quite how Nishiki had imagined it going, but he was still able to get a little bit closer to Kashiwagi.]
<END>
Bonus time:
this one made me laugh so fucking hard. it’s really good. I do have to say, it’s been pretty dire straits on events lately. here’s the full list of them that ran since the last one I posted
of the last 20 there have been 2 re-runs, 1 that’s just a game recap (maybe more! I didn’t check Dwight’s but that wouldn’t surprise me, same with Saigo for Ishin), 8 that are focusing on RGGO original characters, so we get a grand total of maybe 8 new ones between then and now!! that’s less than one per month
that said I am interested in some of those, so I will have them as backlog candidates. it will not be Sengoku’s. sorry to the three Sengoku fans out there you are on your own for this I fear
