#kell journal

[kellachfromthewoods]

Kell Has the Intelligence of a Training Dummy - Exhibit Flan

I need to write more in my journal, I write, as if I don’t preface all of my entries with that.

There’s a reason I wanted to be the one to beat up the magistrate, tax collector, whatever he is. Because at least then I can confirm whether or not he’ll fess up - Usually, you slam a man’s face in the wall a few times, and they’re ready to talk. Not coherently, but they’re ready to talk. He wasn’t - We’ve confirmed that.

Once that’s confirmed, then there’s no point in beating him up anymore. Maybe if we were doing it because of a righteous action or whatever I would have kept at it, but no, we needed information. Once that wasn’t an avenue worth exploring, I stopped. Ayame did not.

Still, knowing that, we might have another option available to us, and I’m not going to inform the rest of the Tower about it. They don’t need to know the depths I’m willing to go to if it means they get to keep their noses clean. Well, every one of them except Ayame - That girl’s nose is a thousand yalm deep in chocobo shite.

I’ve been clean with Yhta about what I percieve to be my role in our hierarchy. If you need something dirty done, call me. If you need me to protect you, I’ll be there with armor and axe. If you need me to put my life on the line to save others, I’ll be there. The others probably think I’m just a sadistic bully who’s sole purpose in life is to be the worst person around.

Which I’d consider a fair assessment, to be honest. Eamont would weep if he heard me say that about myself, but while he’s been able to rise above his misdeeds, he also has his faith and skills that aren’t just hurting or killing things.

Now, I need to find out where this Yumeshi stays in Kugane, beat up whoever I gotta to get an audience, find an interpreter and then offer my services as whatever he needs. Maybe that’ll make him more likely to open up. Or I’ll get captured and killed. Either or. 

Eamont deserves better than me anyroad. 

The Tower needs someone better than me.

Why does this sound like I’m writing my last will and testament? Seven hells, am I actually going to need to inform them of this? I suppose they probably should know where my corpse is liable to end up. I’ll postmoogle something to be delivered here once I’ve decided to do this.

They damn well better not give me a godsdamned funeral - This’d be likely to curse them for a hundred years considering the shite I’ve pulled.

[kellachfromthewoods]

Kell actually does have a journal

Haven’t written in here in a while, have I?

Nope. last entry’s a year ago about. Unsurprising. The move to Shirogane, the office... doesn’t leave a man time to think much. Far too busy making bad decisions to recollect my thoughts.

Maybe I just avoided it because I knew what would happen? Sit here while Eamont is in bed, or off healing elements-knows-what, and wallow in self-pity and feelings of uselessness.

Heh, Elements. When’s the last time I offered a dance to them? When’s the last time I even read the Book for that matter? Of course, my people’s extinction turned that book from a simple recollection of traditions to a priceless historical heirloom that denotes that there were people on that island.

When’s the last time I had a conversation with my brother?

Of course, that’s as much his fault as mine. I have no idea what he was doing in the Ala Mhigo Resistance but the fact that they claimed he’d never joined up didn’t really inspire much confidence. Neither was the last letter which I knew was from him.

Now, an ocean separates us. Funny how little that changed.

Still, feelings of uselessness. Can’t say those haven’t come back with a vengeance. If I can’t even catch a falling Lalafell when I have all the time in the world... How can I even claim I’ll be there to protect my friends? Even when we captured that thing, all I was good for was containing it, and by that I mean spilling a barrel of booze on the floor and stuffing it in there. It incapacitated L’yhta and Anzu. Nice job, me.

I know there’s something in the sewers, but I can’t find it. It’s probably obscured by some magical bullshite that I’d never be able to figure out by my lonesome. So once again, we have to rely on the mages. That I have to protect. That I’ve PROVEN I can’t protect when it counts.

No wonder I feel useless. My friends are hurt, and the only thing I can do is be angry at my own inability to either ease their pain or avenge them. Seems I’m moving from failure to failure, with nary a thing I can call my own success in-between.

Yet, I know if I bring this up to others, they’ll remind me of the demon book. Or whatever else I did that impressed them. Thing is, I’ve shown more of why I shouldn’t be trusted with their lives lately than I’ve shown why I should. Yet I’m still going to go out there and protect them.

Because it has to be done.

[kellachfromthewoods]

In which Kell seriously needs a chill pill, please.

Journal of slightly more inconsistent writing.

I guess I did my job decently? I mean, other than L’yhta getting hit with a spell and all, I didn’t do half bad.

Of course, I’m probably wanted for killing eleven shitheads in the “Sultana’s Territory” or some shite. And there’s witnesses. Didn’t see my face, of course but these days, the mask may as well be my face.

Now, there were witnesses before, but at least those were extenuating circumstances. Voidsent possessed Yellowjackets, for example. How about self-defense against an unsanctioned pirate attack? All of those are explainable.

Here, as far as the law’s concerned, we basically stepped into someone’s warehouse, and made it go belly up, leaving 11 corpses in our wake. Yeah I remember the number. I ain’t a monster. 

I’m just a monster towards people who really deserve it.

I chuckled when that girl talked about our “predecessors”. Girl, my predecessors? You don’t want to know them. They’re older than you, and they’re far more monstrous than anything you or I could ever dream of.

And if that’s what it takes to wipe that group off the map, well... Dig up an ancient weapon and call me an Allagan because I won’t hesitate.

[kellachfromthewoods]

In which Kell shows that a friend of his and himself are two peas in a pod in the worst possible way.

Journal of inconsistent writing

Real swivin’ useless, I am.

I’m in this place to help and protect ‘em. Two got injured and one died. How in Fire’s truth am I gonna be able to look at myself like that again? I can’t find anything when I investigate, I can’t protect the people I care about. Hells, I even tried doing my best doing what only I can do, and didn’t help a lick.

Sasari convinced me to fish for breakfast tomorrow morning. Wish that’d help, but I knew at this hour most of the edible fish ain’t biting. Now if I could set out I could probably catch something tasty, but with Eamont working hard I don’t want to leave too far.

Every time there’s something happening with magic, I’m forced to watch from the sidelines because it doesn’t matter what I learn, I can’t cast magic normally. Even tried this whole feeling out aether thing and I can’t learn it.

Guess I really am useless until they need some cannon fodder.

[kellachfromthewoods]

More journal writing

All of Fire could take this place and I’d not weep a single tear considering how many decided that the Void was something to trifle with, instead of the all-corrupting, aether-destroying monstrosity that has no place in Hydaelyn or elsewhere that it actually is.

I have literally been swived by the Void. I know of it’s power and that’s why I stand against it whereever it may be. I just wish it wasn’t in the place I call home.

[kellachfromthewoods]

I had a journal once, I should write in it again

You’d think I’d be able to sleep more soundly in Eamont’s arms, but I’m still up in our room while he’s unconsciously wondering where all of the body warmth went. Don’t worry, it’ll be back soon. Hopefully, else I’m stuck writing this in my skivvies for longer than I really want to.

I guess it would be hard to sleep after that kind of revelation. That the entire history of your people can be summed up as “phased out bioweapon that someone took pity on”. But that’s what we are. Well, were. Only Einrich and me remain, and without his experiencing the surge, he can’t do the things I can do. To be fair, he can cast spells and I can’t - not normally at any rate.

Still, of all his theories, that one had to be correct.

Here’s hoping all the equipment I gathered can read the data node. Else, I’ll need to go back and I don’t think the Tower’ll let me go alone this time.

It’s cold and I’m tired of writing.