As promised/threatened, and also to break in my new username*, here is an exhaustive ranking of Majima fuckability. I didn’t want to be accused of being overly shallow so each one is accompanied by a haiku in order to ho it down.
This is not based on anything of any material worth. There is no nuance in this post and no weighing up of style over substance. Hark weary traveller, for nothing of any value can be found below the cut beyond a good, old-fashioned wankrank. Let’s dive in, shall we?
15. 1985 Baby Majima
Looks better with one
eye. Enucleation made
him a baddie, huh?
14. PS2 Polygon Majima
Man made of edges
Looking at him for too long
Gave me a migraine
13. Yakuza 6: Majima Nowhere
Serving no purpose
Looks like there's jam on his face
I don't want it, thanks.
12. Like a Dragon: Majima From Another Series
Majima, listen.
You're aging. We all are, bro.
The brown hair ain't it.
11. Kenzan: Not quite figured out the PS3 model Majima
Bring him to the west -
I hope he's never HD.
He's perfect. To me.
10. Yakuza 0 - The Best Majima
Get a job, Saga-
wa. Stay away from her, Shi-
mano. Baby boy.
9. Yakuza 3 - Straight Edge Majima
So pathetic here.
Like a man who died one time
But forgot to leave.
8. Kiwami - The Underloved Kiwami Model Majima
Matching panties and
Pink snake print dress for Kiryu.
Good for Majima.
6=. Dead Souls - Can't Tell If He's Been Zombied Because He Just Looks Like That Majima
Check out this goblin!
Kamurocho saunas, they
are the fucking best.
6=. Yakuza 4 - Got His Buddy Back Majima
Similar to 3
But with less breast tissue, though
Aesthetically good
5. Kiwami 2 - The Dragon Engine Has Landed Majima
First time I played this
game I screeched "CUMGUTTERS" till
my boyfriend walked out.
4. Inifinite Wealth - Shackjima
He grew out his beard
in the sad shack. So depressed!
Fuck, I'm gonna pre
3. Yakuza 5 - Peak, narratively. Peak Majima. Peak.
Dead on a mountain?
No but he looks like he is.
Peak. No notes. God bless.
2. Pirate Yakuza - Baddie Majima
Whenever he has
the blood on him, I transcend.
It feels illegal.
1. Ishin! - Okita Majima, Okita my baby, Okita my rag time gal
Okita? Obscene.
Not my blog name anymore.
Just my Hitachi's.
We’re back, and since Ishin now has an official English release, it’s time to move on to other things! Without further ado, below the cut is a complete English translation of Kenzan’s Izumo no Okuni substory – better known as the substory in which Kiryu Kazumanosuke inadvertently invents kabuki.
[Kiryu walks toward the temple at the east end of Rakugai; right in front of the doors, he runs into a trio of rough-looking swordsmen. Their leader confronts Kiryu.]
Swordsman: Huh?! Is that Miyamoto Musashi? We’ve finally found him!
[The leader reaches for his blade.]
Swordsman: That’s as far as you go! Die!
[A fight ensues. Naturally, Kiryu trounces his opponents, but when the fight ends, he’s crouched over and breathing heavily.]
Kiryu: (Was that all of them…?)
Swordsman: He’s hurt! Finish him off now!
Kiryu: (Shit…! I’ll just hide somewhere until this blows over…)
[The screen fades to black. When we return, Kiryu has found a hiding spot of some sort in an enclosed, dimly-lit space.]
Kiryu: Hah…! Hah…!
[The camera pans over to reveal a woman standing nearby.]
Okuni: Wh- what the!? What happened to you?
Kiryu: It’s nothing…
Okuni: That’s not nothing at all! Those injuries – they need attention!
Kiryu: Sorry. I’m being chased. Would you mind if I stayed here for a bit?
Okuni: Chased, huh?
[We hear muffled shouts on the other side of the wall.]
Swordsman: Where is he!? Dammit! Find him!
[Kiryu falls dramatically to the floor at Okuni’s feet.]
Kiryu: Ugh…
[The screen fades to black.]
Okuni: Hey, now! Hang in there!
[When we fade back in, Kiryu’s lying on the floor in a set of unfamiliar clothes. Okuni is standing around with a trio of men, having a conversation of some sort.]
Kiryu: Where am I…?
Okuni: Well, maybe now’s the time…
Lead Actor: What are you saying, Okuni-san?
Clown: You said we were gonna put on a play like no one’s ever seen! You were so excited!
Okuni: Quiet! This is all happening because your acting won’t cut it!
Heartthrob Actor: H-hey! We’re doing our best!
Lead Actor: That’s right! We’ve come up with all sorts of things, and you’ve hemmed and hawed about all of them!
Okuni: But in the end, you haven’t been able to pull any of them off, have you? When you’re all talk, you can say anything you like!
Lead Actor: …
Okuni: If you’ve got time to complain, you’ve got time to rehearse!
Lead Actor: Y-yes…
Okuni: Ahh, good grief…
[After the actors leave, Okuni looks down at her guest.]
Okuni: Oh, you’re awake?
Kiryu: What’s this outfit…?
Okuni: We couldn’t take care of your wounds the way you were, so we took the liberty of changing you out of your clothes. And besides, if you walked out of here in those bloody rags, they’d find you right away.
Kiryu: I see… Thanks.
Okuni: But I can’t guarantee that they won’t find you if we stay here, so…
Okuni: I’ve got it!
[A full cutscene begins: Okuni grabs a brush and attempts to start painting Kiryu’s face.]
Kiryu: Hey!
Okuni: Sit still!
[Kiryu turns his head away again.]
Kiryu: Hey, quit it!
[Okuni grabs him by the chin and forces him to look at her and stay still. Kiryu finally stops acting like a petulant child and sits (mostly) still while she paints. When she’s finished, she stands up and gazes down at her work.]
Okuni: How’s this?
Okuni: Ah, it came out pretty good! Now nobody will even know it’s you.
[There’s a shout from off-screen.]
???: He’s here!
[The swordsmen from before rush in, blades drawn. One of them bends down to inspect Kiryu.]
Swordsman: What the hell? What’s with that getup?
Okuni: Darn, they saw through it after all.
[Kiryu grabs an umbrella and stands up. Just to be extra dramatic, he begins to speak without turning to face his would-be assailants.]
Kiryu: You guys sure are persistent… But I can’t let loose in here. Let’s take this outside.
[Kiryu pushes his way through a set of curtains; the men follow him while Okuni reaches out in a vain attempt to stop him.]
Okuni: Hey! That’s the way to…
[Of course, Kiryu stomps out directly into the middle of a stage, where we finally catch a glimpse of him in full kabuki face-paint, wielding his umbrella as a weapon. Four enemy swordsmen surround him with their blades drawn and ready.]
Kiryu: You’re gonna break more than just a leg!
[A battle begins, in which Kiryu gives the men a thrashing with his paper umbrella.]
[Afterwards, as he stands in the middle of the pile of bodies, Okuni starts clapping for him offstage.]
Kiryu: Sorry about that – I’ve caused you a whole lot of trouble.
Okuni: Trouble?! Far from it! Look at that!
[Okuni gestures toward the crowd. The place is packed, and everyone’s cheering enthusiastically for his performance.]
Okuni: Thanks to you, the crowd’s going wild!
[We fade to black again, and when we return, Kiryu’s in the backstage area once more.]
Okuni: I never imagined I’d see so many happy playgoers. It was one last fond memory – thank you so much!
Kiryu: Last?
Okuni: Yeah, it’s time for this troupe to call it quits. Attendance has been way down, lately.
Kiryu: You’re bound to have times like that if you’re in this business long enough. Isn’t it a little soon to be giving up?
Okuni: We’ve tried a bunch of different acts, but in the end, the only thing a little troupe like ours can do is rehash old material, and young actors these days think that’s tedious. They get bored. We’re always squabbling, and I’m getting sick of it.
Kiryu: …
Okuni: If we only had a performer like you…
Okuni: Oh, don’t worry, I’m just kidding.
Kiryu: You really want to keep this theatre going, don’t you?
Okuni: Huh? Well, it’d be nice if I could, but…
Kiryu: Well then, mulling it over on your own’s no good, right?
Okuni: But those guys still don’t know the first thing about acting…
Kiryu: Now, I’m just an amateur, but wouldn’t you say it makes for good theatre when everyone’s in step?
Okuni: In… step?
Kiryu: Have you ever taken them seriously? From your point of view, they’ve got a long way to go, yet, but those players must have their dreams riding on you. That’s why they’re here now.
Okuni: …
Kiryu: You can quit anytime – but before you throw in the towel, try putting more trust in your players and talking to one another.
[We fade to black yet again. When we return, Kiryu’s back in his usual running-around-town outfit.]
Kiryu: (That troupe’s gonna be just fine – after this, they’ll carve out a path for themselves. I should hurry up and get out of their dressing room.)
[The screen fades to black once more. The three actors from before are standing together, mid-conversation.]
Lead Actor: But what a surprise! That fight scene was amazing!
Clown: Right, right! And that makeup was fantastic! A real transformation! But kind of strange, too.
Heartthrob Actor: Totally! I’ve never seen such a strange-looking actor before!
Lead Actor: A strange-looking actor…? Or maybe a kabukimono…*
Heartthrob Actor: Hey, why don’t we try making a play out of that fight we saw just now? We’ll call it “kabuki”!
Clown: Fantastic! Just a sec – let me go tell Okuni!
Lead Actor: Huh? But she’s already said that the theatre…
Clown: Let’s give it a shot! That performance was amazing – she’ll definitely get it!
[We return to Kiryu, who’s standing outside the temple again. A notice pops up saying that Kiryu received 10,000 EXP. Before Kiryu can bumble off to intervene in anyone else’s problems, a guy waves to him from the gates.]
Actor: Hey, you! Hold on a second!
Kiryu: You’re one of the actors... What do you want with me?
Actor: I wanted to say a quick thank-you.
Kiryu: Thank me? What for?
Actor: For getting Okuni’s spirits up again! Your acting inspired her – and us too, of course!
Kiryu: Oh yeah? That’s great.
Actor: Yeah! Your work was cutting-edge! Amazing! We’d never seen anyone act like that before!
Kiryu: Uhh, that wasn’t really acting…
Actor: I was completely enthralled by your performance! I’d love to know your name.
Kiryu: ……Kiryu.
Actor: Kiryu-san, eh? We’re gonna come up with a new play based on your performance! And we’ll make a fresh start with Okuni.
Kiryu: Sure. Good luck.
Actor: Thanks! For now, our troupe’s going to keep playing in this town. …Oh, hey, Kiryu-san! Could you stop by the stage once in a while?
Kiryu: Huh?
Actor: You’ll be a real crowd-pleaser if you come out, and we’ll help with the production. And I think it’ll make Okuni really happy!
Kiryu: Uh, but I…
Actor: Yeah, it’s perfect! Just show up whenever you like – it’ll be great!
Kiryu: Wait, but…
Actor: How does five percent of the proceeds sound for your performance fee? I’ll talk it over with Okuni!
Kiryu: Uh, but I’m…
Actor: Huh!? Five’s not enough? Ohh, I’m in a real bind, here… I can’t go any higher than that… Would you settle for five percent – please?
[Kiryu is then given a choice.]
> My art doesn’t come that cheap!
> I don’t need your money.
[Kiryu can pick the first option, but when he does, the actor won’t accept it.]
Actor: Uhh… Please don’t say things like that.
[The game then dumps you back on the choice screen, where Kiryu has to pick the more magnanimous option to proceed.]
Kiryu: Alright, alright, I get it. I’ll help you, but I don’t need your money.
Actor: Huh!? But that’s no good…
Kiryu: I’ll help you out for free instead – it’ll be a parting gift as you all set out on the next stage of your journey.
Actor: Really!? Thank you so much! Everyone’s gonna be thrilled! Well, whenever you feel like it, let me know! I’ll always be waiting right here. Oh – but when I say “always,” I mean only at night. We don’t perform during the day.
Kiryu: Okay, got it.
[End of substory.]
—
Translation Notes:
*Reader, I’m going to be honest with you: this section of dialogue between the actors is basically untranslatable in a way that retains all the significance of the original, because it involves a lot of wordplay that doesn’t really have an equivalent in English. The three players talk about Kiryu’s performance admiringly, and they note that his appearance and behaviour were like nothing they’ve ever seen before. So far so good, right? But the specific term they use for his performance is kabuku (かぶく): a verb that means “to slant” but that was also used to describe the act of dressing and comporting oneself oddly. It’s this term that leads them to conclude that Kiryu himself looked and acted like a kabukimono (傾奇者): a term derived from the verb kabuku that refers to gangs of rowdy, flamboyantly-dressed swordsmen – mostly ronin – who ran around making trouble in the early seventeenth century. It’s from this last term that one of the actors comes up a name for the new style of play they want to put on; they’re all so impressed by Kiryu’s wild appearance and his rowdy sword-fighting performance that they decide to replicate it in their own work and call it kabuki. (This theatrical term seems, in fact, to have been derived from kabukimono, so Kenzan’s writers weren’t just pulling things out of their asses.)
This wordplay is difficult to replicate in English because while we have kabuki as a loanword, we didn’t nab any of the other terms in this chain of associations – sure, I could’ve said that Kiryu looked “kooky” or something because that sounds a bit like “kabuki,” but that term doesn’t carry the historical significance that kabukimono does.
—
Izumo no Okuni is a real historical figure who’s said to have invented the theatrical art of kabuki, which exploded in popularity in the early seventeenth century. As this substory suggests (and as you probably already know), kabuki is known for its flashy costumes and especially for the white makeup and bold lines with which performers’ faces are painted. Initially, the performances were heavily dance-based and were put on by women; Okuni’s own company consisted (in contrast with what we see in Kenzan) entirely of ladies. By 1629, however, lady actors were banned from the kabuki stage out of concern for the potential morally deleterious effects of female kabuki troupes’ often ribald performances. Of course, this didn’t put an end to the art – it just meant that men (often younger men) were left to play women’s parts instead, and while the ban was later lifted, kabuki performances generally remain all-male affairs to this day.
