Hi. I’m an ex-radqueer who left the community after seeing some really disturbing things. But every so often I feel called back towards them. Specifically with the label transtrauma.
I don’t lie about having trauma that I don’t have. I consider it unethical. But I’ll be describing my symptoms on Reddit when I’m trying to seek help and I know people are making assumptions about what might have happened to me. Why I have this level of C-PTSD symptoms. And I fear having to say, “No. None of what you’re thinking happened to me. I didn’t suffer like that. I’m just so weak that I was broken by what’s supposed to be a normal childhood.” I fantasize about lying about trauma. Or my parents dying so no one can verify or refute what really happened.
The transid community appealed to me because of how they encourage you to fake your transids. Tell you that there’s nothing morally wrong with lying. That you, a trans(x) person have experienced (x) as much as a “cis(x)” person. I never actually did it. But I felt safe discussing these feelings.
I’m sorry, I just need someone I can talk to about this.
hey, i hear you. first off, you don’t have to apologize for this. you’re not alone in feeling this way, and i get why the rqc community felt like a safe space at the time. they have a way of offering validation in a way that feels really comforting when you’re struggling with your identity or trauma. but the problem is, it’s built on a foundation that isn’t really stable or truthful, and that can make things even harder in the long-term.
the way you’re feeling about your trauma is something i relate to, and something i know a lot of people deal with. it’s REALLY common to struggle with the feeling of “my trauma isn’t bad enough” or “people will think i’m lying if i say what actually happened.” the important thing to understand is that trauma isn’t about checking off a list of what’s objectively bad enough to count. it’s about how your brain and body reacted to what you went through. even if someone else might’ve had a similar experience and turned out “fine,” it doesn’t mean you should have. it doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you were hurt!
fantasizing about lying about trauma, or about something happening that would make your trauma “undeniable” to others is very normal. it's a really awful feeling, yeah, but that's also really normal for people who feel invalidated. it doesn’t make you a bad person, and it doesn't sound like something you’re doing on purpose! it just means you’re desperate to be understood, and i want to let you know there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. i would guess part of why the rqccommunity felt safe for you is because it told you, “we believe you. you don’t have to justify yourself here.” and that’s something you deserve to have, yeah: but in a way that’s actually honest and healthy.
it would probably help to find spaces that focus on trauma validation and recovery in a way that isn’t tied to rqc rhetoric. places that remind you that your trauma is real, and that you don’t have to lie or stretch the truth for it to matter. i know it's a big step to take, but are you in therapy? a therapist is a really good private space to be heard and validated. also, please let me know if you want to join our tumblr community for former rqs, or you can send us another ask if you want help finding forums/more subreddits for that kind of thing!
either way, i see you and i believe you, ok? -mod charlie
