#killthejoneses

[amirahaile]

Ada Wk5D3

I just had a great talk with my mom. (Aren’t they the best?) I was venting to her because there was something bugging me about the program that I couldn’t put my finger on.

I have to remind myself that part of #KilltheJoneses is being vulnerable and honest. It’s kind of difficult to do that now since I’m consciously aware that my cohort is reading (hi guys) but that’s kind of the whole point.

So I’m on the phone with my mom and I ask her, “Mom, when you’re at work—in the professional world—is there a place within that where you can be yourself?”

Short answer: nope. It’s all professional – all the time. (No, my mom did not say that line.) See, the great thing about Ada is that we—students, instructors, and staff—have created a safe and supportive space. The flip side of that is that it feels very PC, almost too PC. If you know me well, you know that my behavior can be quite crass. I use “bitch” the way others would use “buddy.” My humor is darker than my black ass. It’s who I am! If you know me really well, you know that this is all in good fun; you wouldn’t take any of it literally. 

What I’m trying to say is that I let loose when I’m comfortable. I feel comfortable in Ada. But even though my classmates feel more like friends, it is still a professional place. We’re here to develop our skills for the workplace. My mom reminded me that I need to draw that line. It’s especially difficult when you’ve moved to a new state and these colleagues are your only link to a social life.

So as much as it sucks, I need to pull back. It’s weird to not have a space where I don’t have to think about what I say or how I say it… but it’s only temporary and I’m not here to make friends. (Cue ANTM title sequence!)

[amirahaile]

Because despite it all, it’s still a struggle.

[amirahaile]

In less than a week, I’ll be quitting my job. 

I’ve worked here for one year and six months. I never went to lunch with a coworker or made any work friends. The only people I talked to are the ones I worked with directly. The company has less than 100 employees and I don’t know most of their names. 

A couple weeks after being hired, I made a personal goal: quit this job within two years for something more fitting. I already knew I wouldn’t grow here. I never planned to stay.

Now that I’m leaving, I’m taken back by the interactions I’ve had over the past few days. The president of the company seemed genuine when she said I’d be missed. So did the HR manager. A friendly coworker has offered to take me out to lunch as a farewell. Another came up to my desk to ask me what I’d be pursuing. 

I didn’t personally tell any of these people that I’d be leaving. I now know that I was the reason I didn’t have more meaningful relationships with them. I like to blame the cliquish community or the fact that I’m the only person in my department… but these people got to know me in some way despite the lack of effort on my part. 

I need to get over my fears of making friends and just do it. Reach out, be social, be inviting, be thoughtful. Lesson learned. 

[amirahaile]

#KilltheJoneses Addendum

Something I didn’t consider, and only now realized, is that #KilltheJoneses helps you in more ways than one.

Initially I thought it helped others see the work you’ve done. The sweat, blood, and tears you shed to get where you are… but sometimes you’re the one that needs the reminder. Imposter syndrome has been a hot topic recently, and it’s something I’ve been really struggling with lately. I’m trying to enter a misogynistic, male-dominant industry with no experience… and I’m supposed to feel confident in my abilities?

#KilltheJoneses reminds me that this didn’t happen to me. It’s happening because of me. I made this happen. I did the work. I do deserve this. 

I am capable, qualified and competent. 

[amirahaile]

Drumroll please…

Sunday night I wrote a post about sharing your struggles as well as your wins. #KilltheJoneses is a belief I’ve been practicing for the past two years but finally got to writing down as a way to mentally prepare myself for another dead end.

I applied to Ada Developers Academy over a month ago and was invited for an interview over two weeks ago. In the time in between, I researched the heck out of Seattle, started looking for apartments, and even found a non-profit and meetup groups I wanted to attend. I dreamed, baby. By the time the interview came around I was feeling really confident (maybe too confident). 

Around 1:10PM I was called via Skype for the personality portion of the interview. The longer it went on the more I panicked. I was reliving my App Academy coding challenge. I wasn’t prepared for professional behavioral questions; I expected something chill and laid-back like Hackbright’s interview. I didn’t know I’d be interviewed by members of the Steering Committee! I could hear myself babbling and none of my answers felt convincing. By the time it was my turn to ask questions, there were only two minutes left. 

Ten minutes after that, I started the technical portion of the interview with the lead instructor. The Q&A panel ADA hosted a few weeks back said the technical problem wasn’t going to involve any coding; it’d be more like a LSAT logic problem. So I studied LSAT logic problems. Let me tell you – the technical problem was not a LSAT logic problem. Caught off guard, I stalled pretty hard on some super simple math, but I made a decent recovery. 

I was the first to be interviewed out of 60 candidates. Skype interviews were all held on the first day and I unknowingly chose the first time slot. After doing my interview, this made me feel worse –  how were they supposed to remember me after interviewing 60 intelligent and awesome women?? 

Over the next two weeks I went from feeling bad about my interview, to hating myself for not properly preparing, to feeling a little bit hopeful that maybe – just maybe, to finally thinking “You know what, I can’t wait for them.” I started researching other bootcamps, opened up my search to the east coast, and started studying JavaScript to apply to Fullstack Academy (NYC) and Hack Reactor (SF). I even bought Professional JavaScript for Web Developers and took notes on the first four chapters of Eloquent JavaScript. 

Then the day came. March 30, 5PM PST. I was supposed to get an email. An email with their final decision. But guess what? All that excruciatingly nervous waiting and that damn email never came. By 8PM I thought they probably didn’t bother with emailing the rejects. 

But dammit, I needed closure, so I emailed them. Two hours later I got a reply.

FUCK YEAH! I’M MOVING TO SEATTLE TO BECOME A FULLSTACK DEVELOPER.

[amirahaile]

#KilltheJoneses

I’m not sure if you noticed, but I’ve recently made a point to publicly blog my professional ventures. I blogged about my rejection from App Academy, interviewing with Hackbright Academy, and the (forever long) application process for Ada Developers Academy. I’ve also blogged about new things I’ve learned, like using Git and GitHub to version control and publish my Jekyll blog, submitting my first pull request, and my first custom Tumblr theme.

From those posts you can tell that some of my progress has been exciting, but mostly it’s been scary. I’m making a foray into a new career path and it hasn’t been all cupcakes and unicorns. I’m moving forward, yes, but I’m stumbling along at best. I feel dumb most of the time and often have to push through crippling doubt. As willing and proud as I am to show off my accomplishments, I think it’s equally—if not more so—important to share my failures, my disappointments.

Austin Kleon, a writer who draws, is the man behind the mantra “show your work.” His second book goes into detail about the benefits of showing your process and sharing your inspirations. I’d like to take his idea a bit further to #KilltheJoneses. I believe that you should not only share your wins, but you should share your losses too: a painting you’ve left unfinished for years; plot lines that didn’t make sense for your short story; logos the client rejected. There are benefits to sharing these moments too.

In college, I had an art TA that I really admired. She recently went through a divorce and was very public about it on Facebook.

She’s 100% right. We’ve all heard it: 

“Don’t compare your behind-the-scenes to their highlight reel.” (Supposedly first said by Pastor Steven Furtick.) 

Social media has allowed us to curate a perfect, idealized version of ourselves. I don’t believe this is helpful for anyone; not even for you. There will be people looking at your highlight reel, moaning “How did she get so lucky?” But you aren’t lucky. You worked hard; but how would they know that when they’ve never been privy to your struggle?

So #KilltheJoneses. Show the sweat. Show the tears. Make it so that when you land that sweet job or can finally afford that kick ass car, everyone will say,

“Damn, she worked hard for that. She deserves it.”

Now that I’ve explained all that, expect another #KilltheJoneses post from me tomorrow. ADA will be emailing candidates their final decisions by 5PM tomorrow. I can’t say I’m not hopeful… but I doubt it’ll be a joyous post. Regardless, it’s a necessary one.

[amirahaile]

It was cynical, but every time I thought about this interview I couldn’t help but remind myself at least 36 girls will be rejected. Thirty-six girls will have made it to this same point only to be turned away. No one wants to be one of the 36, but they have to be somebody.

Here’s to hoping I’m not one of them. 

[amirahaile]

Did the math.

If I get into ADA—a year-long tuition-free coding bootcamp—I’ll have to take out a $21,000 loan. Keep in mind this total already factors in any savings I have. That’s $5k shy of a year at my alma mater.

Without income* for a year, I’ll have to cover my living expenses: rent (pray I find a sweet, liberal senior couple that treats me like kin), utilities, groceries, student loans, car loan, car insurance, gas, plus any miscellaneous expenses…

I understand that the duration of the program (12 months + give or take 3 for job hunting) is a major factor, but consider that most bootcamps charge tuition on top of all this.

My point is, everything costs money. Even the free shit.

PS – If you didn’t guess, I am in the top 15% (of 400 applicants) who were given an interview. Mine is this Monday, wish me luck!

*For 5 of the 12 months at ADA, I’d be interning with a sponsoring company earning minimum wage for 35hrs/wk (via a stipend provided by ADA). Hopefully, this is $2k/month (Seattle’s $15 minimum wage will be phased-in starting April) which could potentially drop my loan by $10k. 🙏