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{unseen letters to tate}

DATE: DECEMBER 11TH 2017

I-- I try to find the right words to tell you how much I love you. It's true, there's nothing you can say, or even do to make me feel other wise. Everything's just bullshit, and I know you know that it is. But I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm tired. Really really tired. I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm me. Though would you really expect anything less from me? No I-- I mean, you know me, and I know this is all mindless bullshit and you'll probably never end up seeing it anyway but I have to have some way to 'vent' right? Well I guess here fucking goes. I've written other letters, but none really like this I guess. I'm scared, because, when people ask or wonder, 'who is that Violet girl?' And I ask myself even, I don't know, I don't know anymore. I can't tell you. I can't even tell myself who I am. I'm scared because I love you so much and to be truthful, that's all I know anymore. All I know is you. But I also know the pain you bring. You don't mean to, and I'm not trying to guilt trip you or some bullshit like that, I would never, and you know that. But I'm being truthful, and you know that too. I'm scared, because when people ask 'what are you afraid of?' or 'how do you feel?' I don't know. I can't say, I feel numb to everything. The only time I feel anything is when I'm with you. That's when I truly feel like I'm alive, or that I even have emotions. I know I love you. And whether you believe it or not I always will. Fuck, and I know that I'm just repeating myself, but like I said, I have no intentions of giving this to you. I just need it out of my system, so it doesn't make me go even crazier than I already am. I'm always insecure, I'm always scared, I'm always in love with you, I'm always me. But no one gets that that's actually hard. I always get told, that I'm lucky to have you. And I guess a lot of the time they're right, I am. You're my anchor, you're the only thing keeping me who I am. And I know you love me, I really do. But, fuck there's always a but. And my stupid fucking insecurities are asking me, why the fuck are you even writing this? No one cares? You'll probably just rip it up anyway. But... what I'm trying to say is I have these big fucking insecurities that I'm not good enough. That I'm just never enough, that you want more, that everyone want's more. And I have nothing left to give. I am who I am but there's so much pressure to be more. I'll admit I'm a fucking mess right now. And you're not here, but that's not your fault. I'm doing this to myself. Cutting myself off from the world. Filling myself with the same bullshit nonsense I'm saying now. Fuck, fuck fuck. I do this, I just, I tell myself I'm okay but I'm not. I wish I were gone, often. And I don't just mean like erased, but I wish I was never born. Everything is fucking shit, I can't do anything, right. --Then you want to know something else? This is exactly how I was the entire time we were apart. I was miserable, scared, insecure, I had all this self-hatred. But something told me it wasn't right to let you back in. That I couldn't . I don't know what it was, but it was there. And now I remember. That it was my own bullshit, that I was scared that you had moved on. That you would have forgotten about me. That I wouldn't matter. That I don't matter. Ever since then, ever since I let you back in. I realised you still love me. You still want me. Sure, we've had our fuck ups. But look at where we are now. I'm happy with you. I love you. But I'm just fucking tired, and you make everything better. And when there are times like these, when I'm alone, on the roof, nothing matters anymore. I just feel like I am the darkness, that I've always been the darkness. I don't know why I feel like this. I dont' know anything anymore. I just feel alone sometimes. Like now. And I need you. Always.