Red Menace X Reader (Bake Sale) PT. 1
Metrotown was a very, very boring place.
I mean, in a world where metahumans were normal and running amok almost daily, of course it seemed boring. You didn’t live in Gotham, you didn’t live in Metropolis, not even a Metrocity— a MetroTOWN.
But despite that you rather liked it here for that very reason. On a bad day Skullossus was throwing the planet into the sun over a petty grudge and on a good day your weird neighbors were trying to turn some mundane task like grocery shopping into an evil scheme. There are worse things.
Today was one of the good ones. You got off work a little early and decided to decompress by taking a walk in the local park, but as you jammed along to your music a delightful scent caught your attention. The unmistakable smell of freshly baked goods filled the outside air, practically begging you to float toward it nose first like a Looney Toon.
After following the scent for a good while, you came across a stand that had a decent crowd surrounding it. Although it would’ve been quicker to push through and be rude, you relented to waiting your turn. It was the right thing to do after all.
As the crowd cleared you drew closer and closer until you realized who the baker of all these delightful confections were— none other than one of the local whackjobs claiming to be some kind of villain. The… Lot of Something Err-other? You forgot already.
They were pretty harmless for the most part, if anything their attempts at villainy were amusing. A nice change of pace to a boring day. Here and there you’d see the doctor guy salivating in the tech aisle of the grocery store, or the little red one littering and not looking before crossing the street, but as for this guy…
“Oh, hi! Heh, didn’t see you for a second there. What can I get for ya?” He leaned forward with interest, greeting you warmer than a hot summer’s day.
You were startled by his greeting, for a moment you lost your concentration while staring at him. Such a warm, bright smile he had.
“I just sold out of the chocolate chip, but there’s still some snickerdoodles and oatmeal left—ooh, and we have one last fudge square if you want it!” He tittered a bit after his sentence, a weird little giggle you heard from him often.
“Oh, um, hi! I remember you,” You were looking at the treats but truthfully, now that he was in front of you, you were more interested in looking at him than anything else.
“R-Really? Me?” He seemed surprised, honored even. “Hmm, was it at the animal shelter? The cool buddy agency? Soup kitchen, maybe?” He stroked his broad chin thoughtfully, and if those words had come from anyone else you’d think they were exaggerating to make themselves look good… But no. He was genuinely just like that. You’d seen him at all sorts of local community events in passing, without his little band for the most part. Didn’t seem like their style.
You chuckled slightly, “No, no, just around. You’re… Red, right?” You glanced up at him, sifting through your wallet for the proper bills needed for your purchase. Although his pupils weren’t visible, you could still see his eyes light up. What was an innocent freckled cutie like this doing with the band of crooks he lived with? Rent must’ve been expensive.
“The one an only! Hey, now that I’m lookin ‘atcha, you seem kinda familiar too. Do you work at the Mall-O-Mart?” He rested his cheek on his hand and leaned into it, eyes drooping ever so slightly as he fixated on you.
“Guilty,” You forked over some crumpled bills, relenting to buying most of what was left just to see if it tasted any good. Your heart fluttered as he took the money from your hand, his maroon gloves brushing against your hands gently. He bagged everything up for you and snuck in a little something under the counter for free, a chocolate chip cookie!
He glanced around before leaning in to whisper. “I was gonna save that one for later, but you can have it..!” His sentence delivered in a way that could only be compared to a schoolgirl telling her deepest secret to her best friend.
Now that made you blush.
You were used to all sorts of tricks that guys tried to pull.
Chauvinistic pigs doing grand gestures, trying to get your attention with insulting one-liners, offering you gifts to earn your praise, but none of it ever worked…
And yet somehow this freckled, masked dork giving you his last chocolate chip cookie is what had you floored. It was just too sweet.
“Th-Thank you…” You looked down at the treats with a smile that was hard to hide, and for a moment you felt embarrassed for being so easy to read but lucky for you Red Menace was illiterate (when it came to people being romantically interested in him at least). He only grinned in return, the whites of his mask pressing into little crescents. “You’re very welcome.”
You gulped, unsure of how to end the conversation. You wanted to continue talking, but there were still some other people trying to buy things and you’d already taken up so much of his time.
“Um, d-do you do catering?” You asked on a whim, hoping to perhaps get his number from the exchange.
“Absolutely! Here, I’ll give you my number in case you want to order a batch!” You were shocked at how easy that was, he didn’t seem to catch onto the fact you were asking this for any other reason. He just hummed and scribbled away on the paper, no sly wink or smirk whatsoever. True, pure, and unadulterated obliviousness. Somehow that made him more attractive to you.
“Thanks,” You grabbed it from him and he waved as you left, ever so neighborly.
Didn’t take you long to figure out why he was saving that last cookie because wow, these were good. Like, really good!
You regretted not coming sooner and throwing all your cash at him, it was like heaven was the secret ingredient. You couldn’t help but get carried away by the daydreams that formed with each bite. Him in the kitchen, wearing a cute, frilly little apron and toiling away over the oven. Fanning himself and sweating while hand-mixing the dough, a red flush sprawling across his freckled cheeks and shoulders and…
Ah…
What were you supposed to be doing right now?
Oh yeah, homework. Homework for your clown college. Homework to prove that you already knew what you were studying for to get a piece of paper that calls you legit. Right.
You sighed heavily, trying to concentrate on the words on the screen but everything just kept blurring together. You reread this same paragraph like five times and it was really starting to get old, especially because you weren’t retaining any of it.
You pushed yourself away from your desk, spinning around in your rolling chair. You’d hoped the treats would motivate you to work harder, but the only thing they really made you want to do was call Red and see if you could… Uh, commission him… For more. More treats. Yeah.
You brushed your thumb over the slip of paper he’d given to you, the idea bugging you since you got the damn thing. Maybe that’s why you couldn’t study, or sleep, or anything really…
Just around the block, Red Menace was feeling the same way.
For some reason— and for the life of Voltar he couldn’t figure out why— he didn’t want to stray anywhere away from the phone. Red sat very patiently in front of the League’s landline, hands on his knees and eyes wide open, hardly blinking.
“He’s been like this all day,” Doktor Frogg stroked his metal chin with his claws, peering around the corner with Voltar. “Ever since he got home he hasn’t moved, I don’t even know if he’s used the restroom.”
Voltar grumbled as he watched his minion neglect his duties, he’d barked several orders from across the house leading up to this and still no reply. He was getting fed up with Red’s insubordination. “Looks like a job for the leader, Frogg. You go ahead and sit this one out, I got it from here,” Voltar confidently marched up to Red and circled in front of him, giving him as menacing of a glare as he could muster.
“MINION!” He hopped up on the table that held the phone, hands on his hips. “I DEMAND THAT YOU STOP WAITING BY THIS PHONE!” Voltar pointed down, closing his eyes and waiting for Red to move.
Nothing.
Voltar waited a beat and then opened up one eye to look at Red’s listless expression. “THAT’S AN ORDER!!!”
Still, nothing.
“Alright, fine then! You’ve left me no choice,” Voltar procured a pair of scissors from his back pocket, lifting up the phone cord dramatically as if to threaten cutting it but Red Menace was apparently not having any of that. With a quickness the redhead grabbed Voltar by his cranium and lifted him away from the phone, the slight furrow of his brow becoming present.
“No,” He said simply, not offering an apology or portraying the slightest sign of remorse.
Voltar was shocked at Red’s display, frightened even. He’d never seen his minion this serious about anything. And then, out of nowhere, the phone rang.
Red shot up and dropped Voltar without a care, his usual perky self returning upon picking up the phone.
“This is the League of Super Evil HQ, Red Menace speaking, how may I help you?”
“Hey, it’s me, I was at the bake sale earlier. H-How are you?”
You cursed yourself for not keeping a steady voice, but hearing his chirpy tone from the other end had you feeling shy again.
“Oh, it’s you,” He let out a deep, languid, relieved sigh. It was like he’d been waiting to hear your voice all day. The sound of it had you feeling all sorts of ways.
“I’m doing well, and you..?” He waited with bated breath, catching his lip between his teeth while silently praying you had a good day. He cared quite a bit, more than he would normally. He wasn’t used to this feeling, this desperate desire to see someone such as yourself happy and pleased because of him. He’d felt it before in a different way, one that was a lot fluffier and far more kosher than the one he was feeling now.
“Eh, I’m alright. Just doing boring school stuff. Uh, listen, I was wondering if maybe you’d be open to teaching me how to bake like you… Y’know, instead of me just ordering. I-I could pay you for lessons too if you need—“
“No, no! That’s okay, if we’re baking together then why would I charge?” There goes that little giggle of his again.
Voltar and Frogg watched in horror as their henchman laid on his belly and kicked his feet back and forth, twirling the phone chord between his thick fingers like he didn’t almost have an episode over Voltar’s attempt to cut it.
“Really? You’d do that for me?” You covered your mouth, still feeling the need to hide your bashfulness despite being alone in your room.
“Yeah, I’d love to… You can come over and I’ll teach you everything I know,” He pressed the coil to his lips as if to mirror the act of kissing your knuckles, not even consciously aware that he was doing so.
“Alright then, it’s a da—-aaay, let’s pick a day! Is tomorrow good?!” You saved yourself the potential embarrassment of calling it a date since it was still so soon, though you did so very poorly.
Red hardly noticed, too busy basking in the satisfaction of even getting to this point. “Sure,” He murmured dreamily. “Tomorrow.”
“Good, good, good…” You chewed on your nails a bit, glancing around at the clothes strewn across your floor to preemptively piece together an outfit for the occasion. “I’ll be free around noon, I’ll uh, see you then… G’night, Red.”
“Sweet dreams,” He nuzzled his cheek against the phone, not that you’d be able to see it.
Even after you’d hung up he stayed curled up on the floor with the phone in his arms, cuddling it tightly late into the night even after Frogg and Voltar had given up and the only thing keeping him company was the dial tone.
And as for you, well…
Have fun sifting through your clothes.
Credit for the dividers~
PT. 2
