I want so badly to fall in love with being alive. I want to be all the colors at once, at full brightness. I want to not only know that the healing is in the aching, but I want to be wholly okay with that. I want to not be bothered by the hurting because I know that someday this pain will be worth something. I want a day and then a week, month, and a year where it feels like things are falling together instead of falling apart because if I can have those then maybe my heart could believe that there is an entire life out there offering me the same thing. I need something, everything, anything. Sometimes we survive by forgetting but I need to know the secret to that because the harder I try to shut it off, close it up, smother it, deprive it of oxygen... it grows bigger, stronger, darker. I want my existence to be a voice, not an echo, and yet with every breath it seems as if the sound of it grows softer and more garbled. I want to feel that unshakeable, irrefutable, unbeatable strength that comes from believing I am, I can, I will be... I want to fall in love with being alive. ||| #whycantitbeeasy #learningtoselfcare #thegirlinthepicture #hideandseekme #life #readytoescape #surviving