I looked, I searched and I searched. I walked from the top of the world to the bottom and found nothing.
Eventually, and it took awhile, I stopped.
Because I realized no matter where I looked, I will not find you, you are not there.
Day 0, May 30th.
I did not search. That's a lie. I looked for Ren's horse. I could not find her either.
Day 1, May 31st.
I found a compass engraved “Heaven” among cog’s stuff. Maybe it was there before. Maybe I missed it.
In the overworld is spun around uselessly.
In the nether it spun around uselessly.
In the end, it pointed to the void. I think I know the destination. It was an adventure I did not undertake. I don’t like going to places I'm not invited.
I put the compass back and sent the cords to Evu. Honeychild died on the wither rose planted in pale moss. I put it in a pot. I can’t keep letting him kill the things I love.
I replaced the pink hibiscus with a red poppy.
Day 2, June 1st.
I asked void for help. I had accepted that I am not solving this on my own.
> idk. im torn i wanna see the websites but i feel selfish if i solve it or do whatever bc if i don't want the prize then whats the point
> and why should i get to pick who lives or dies im a nonparticipate
Void’s response
> i guess
> it just makes me so upset the more i think about it. seri had promised me a wedding but when i asked about it it said "there's other things i want to do with my time"
> and then to WANT to come back it makes me want to find the materials and burn them
Void’s response
> it promised me a wedding after it comes back. i dont want it anymore lol
Day 3, June 2nd.
I saw the drawing and found the book at midnight. I made a lot of guesses to the password with no luck.
Void looked at the html code and found the password.
I am busy today. I’ll pick it up tomorrow.
Day 4, June 3rd.
I entered the password and picked dread. Its plans anyways made me a little squeamish. But the task was meaningless to me, I can never truly be afraid of death the way the others are.
Venerate meant destruction.
My first impulse was to blow the collection of buildings on the jungle’s edge. It’s just a place to keep my stuff. Peaceful, sleepy, who would miss it but me? Willows grow and willows die. I sit in the shade and watch the light through the leaves. I listen to the bubbling brook.
I considered blowing up date night. It would feel good to hurt you while giving you what you want but I stopped.
I thought about the second request and felt red, melted, a heat that looks white to the eyes.
Time is so precious, it slips through the hands and moments returns to its sisters like sand returning to the shore. Is this what I want to do with my time? Hurt you while hurting myself? And then build you an altar?
I gave so much of myself to stand beside you. What about me? What about my life?
The pressure in my chest lifted, like the dark clouds heavy with rain rolling away, leaving clarity in its wake as I realized, I don't have to do jack and I don’t have to do shit.
I decided to stop there, I had found what I was looking for. Annihilation divorces the self from purpose. And I refuse to destroy myself for you. There are other things to do with my time.
Day 5, June 4th
I did end up blowing something up, at the request of a different ghost.
Grass at the bottom of the world is unnerving, green where light goes to die. But I’ve always liked this place. Birch and a tiny pond.
She wanted all of it gone, but she missed a spot.
She was hesitant, though. I thought about it and said I think it’s only a problem if you want to kill me after.
A GOD IS WORSHIPED.
A GOD HAS POWER.
I AM A MONSTER.
I DO NOT MATTER.
I AM MAD.
SO MAD.
MAD AT MYSELF,
AT EVERYTHING.
MAD AT THE WORLD.
A PAWN IS NOT MEANT TO WIN.
AN ANIMAL THAT CANNOT HUNT WILL DIE.
A GOD GETS VICTORY.
MONSTERS ARE LEFT
WAILING, CLAWING, NOTHING.
original colour before i decided on the final one.
idk where i'd reference this anywhere, but the main song i was listening to while drawing the lashing out version was Ado's live cover of Crime and Punishment.
