#leothames

[outofmyheartandintoyourlungs]

June 4, 2023

Happy first heavenly birthday

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately

How much I miss you

How much time has passed since I last saw you

How today we will gather and remember all that was you, the other shit doesn’t matter.

We were Young and drunk

Young and dumb

We loved each other like sisters

Inside jokes and inappropriate banter

But little did I know, the alcohol would take you higher, so high up that you couldn’t come back down

I slowly watched how vulnerable you became

I wanted to protect you, but I knew I couldn’t

I didn’t know how

I realized after moving home that what I wanted to do with my life is help others

In the end I couldn’t help you

I have you to thank for the path I discovered while trying to figure out how I could love you from afar

For many years I put it all behind me

But not because I wanted to

I Locked up my sadness in a box

Placed it on the shelf

I had to wave my white flag and claim defeat

I lost a friend to a life of addiction, pain

I never wanted to leave you floating lonely

I didn’t want to lose you, but I had to take care of myself too

I remember seeing posts and thinking how much better you looked

I secretly hoped that you had found your path to health and healing

I never asked, and I don’t know why

For that I’m sorry

I hope you know how much I loved you

How much I cared

How much I cherish those years in Toronto

You were one of my best friends, you still are

Today, tomorrow, forever

I will remember you in your own light

[outofmyheartandintoyourlungs]

April 19, 2023

Maybe I’ve been looking at love wrong

Love is a verb, a noun

Love is a place

I’ve always thought of love as a black and white concept

Either you love something, someone, or you don’t

I was scared to tell you I loved you

You said it so easily

But was is that easy, to love me?

Because what if you give me love and one day you take it away?

What if you take it back, put it in your pocket,

Leave me with the taste

Only to become addicted to something that isn’t within my reach

And as I write this I realize

That it’s my inner child talking

She’s used to investing love in the wrong people

She remembers being abandoned all too well

By people she thought had her best interests at heart

[outofmyheartandintoyourlungs]

April 2, 2023

Sunlit mist lingering in the air, my boots muddied.

How have I lived here for my entire life and never seen such beauty?

A sunny afternoon spent driving the backroads, I had rarely ever set foot outside of the city limits.

Laughing, talking, you were reminiscing about all of the time spent here exploring

Me making stupid jokes and almost falling one too many times.

You were showing kindness to complete strangers, a quality that I admit I ’m far too shy and reserved to portray.

Staring at the ceiling, my head on your chest. Laughing at comedians we found on the internet.

You made dinner. Most days I can barely round up enough energy to make something for myself.

As I was leaving it slipped out of my mouth like the water droplets perfectly forming those waterfalls. It wasn’t premeditated, it wasn’t planned.

I had spent the last 24 hours swirling those words in the back of my mind, unable to figure out what it was I was scared of or exactly how I felt about it.

And then I said it unconsciously. For a second it felt like how you accidentally say “you too” after the waitress says enjoy your meal. You closed my car door and I laughed.

What just happened?

[outofmyheartandintoyourlungs]

April 1, 2023

The firsts are what is sending my brain in to overdrive

He said those words first

He bought me something when he didn’t have to

He holds doors open

He asks me if I need things

He cares how my day is going

He wants me to text him when I get home

My hyper independence is showing

How the one before him was so emotionally bankrupt

How the realization that the one before him didn’t care about anyone but himself

How his lack of altruistic love resolved me to the lonely understanding that I could only ever depend on myself

It’s was much easier to not have to depend on anyone else

Is it finally my turn for reciprocity?

Am I seen as an equal, a worthy deity?

I was always the one who cared too much

Who wore her heart on her sleeve

Who would tell them that I loved them, first

Yet somehow I was always treated second at best

Albeit without the “I” in front, it’s perplexing that he has said those words, done those things, actually cared

That he is choosing me as someone to invest love in

But what’s the catch?

I’ve spent a majority of my life wishing to be chosen, known, thought of in small ways

It scares me because it reminds me of how fast I fell for the person who hurt me in ways my mind and body are still trying to heal itself from

Two years ago the “pick me” version of myself would’ve eaten it up

My tired synapses are on alert, what if there’s an ulterior motive?

Could this be another trauma bond?

I want to depend on you

I want you to know my love language, I want to know you

I want it to be simple, but my past hurt is making it complicated.

I keep telling myself “just let it happen, let yourself enjoy this.”

I thought I would’ve been more resilient

It’s me, I’m the problem.

[outofmyheartandintoyourlungs]

March 21, 2023

The seasons are shifting and I keep trying to piece together words that perfectly describe my current point of view.

From Summer, to Winter, and now to Spring, so much has happened inside of my skull. Ideas, emotions, revelations and epiphanies have been swirling inside of my brain like a washing machine. It’s been far from a dull journey, I must admit.

I worry that with my mood changing for the better, I won’t be able to write anything worth while. When times are bad it feels like my creativity plateaus - it’s my way of gasping for air that my body so desperately needs.

When times are good I don’t write nearly as much, and I wonder if that’s because I don’t really know how to articulate sunshine and rainbows nearly as well as I can articulate feelings of impending doom, sadness and destruction.

All I know is that I will certainly try, and you’re more than welcome to come along for the ride.

<3

[outofmyheartandintoyourlungs]

March 19 2023

I cannot put this in to words just yet

For maybe I do not have enough words to describe how this makes me feel

The concept of you is foreign to me

Your actions align with your words

Words that show me empathy, show me respect

But is this all a dream?

Will I wake up again, screaming?

The warmness of your hand caressing mine

Calmness that takes over my body as I lay my head on your chest

The subtle force of your energy permeating the room

I feel safe when I’m with you

You’ve taken care of my heart

You know where I’ve been not long before you

Even though I am a fortress within these trees

Your bonfire is warm and endearing

Darling, show me kindness, for some moments of my life have been anything but.

[outofmyheartandintoyourlungs]

March 10, 2023

I feel anxious yet calm

I’m used to the disappointment

I question my own intuition

My tendency to turn a blind eye, turn the other cheek

Ignore the red flags because I’ve unknowingly had “pick me” energy my entire life

I didn’t know until I got lost and went searching for my own soul

The space in my half empty glass

Feels like it’s on its way to becoming full

Maybe your colours are the ones I have searched for

This is both exhilarating and terrifying

[outofmyheartandintoyourlungs]

March 9, 2023

This is new to me

Sitting in the cafe booth until the sun set

How you listened to my stories, heard the caution in my words

How I tried to diplomatically reveal my pain to you in tiny increments

Trying to show you who I am, who I was before him

In my hypervigilance I noticed a subtle softness

A gentle aura surrounding your demeanour

A gravitational pull inviting me in

We laughed, we joked, we learned about each other

You made it easy to let my guard down

Then you threw me a curve ball

It wasn’t a cinematic moment where the world paused and cathartic music played, but I was speechless

You validated me without knowing every single detail that’s been drowning my mind for months

The one thing that he always used to hold over my head.

We walked along the pier

Watched the people skate on the rink

Strolled around the dock

I learned that there was always six degrees of separation between us

We were always a moments notice shy of knowing one another

Yet there were both were

You walked me to my car

We hugged goodbye

The entire drive home felt like it was slow motion

Music playing in the background

I look in my rear view and notice I’ve got this big dumb grin on my face

I want more