Let’s Have Intercourse
Yes, this is entirely inspired by the Crazy Ex Girlfriend song. Don’t @ me
...
“Captain-” Spock stopped and took a deep breath, correcting himself. “Jim. I have something I want to say to you.”
His Captain looked up from stuffing linguine in his face, this stunned look interrupting his attempts to ingest the entire plate before it even settled. After all this time, he never understood why James T. Kirk had such a voracious affection for shrimp pasta.
But considering the sauce dripping down his cheek was erroneously distracting, Spock chose not to ponder the question too much and leave the culinary observations to chefs and food connoisseurs.
Gulping down the food hanging from his mouth, the Captain nodded. “Of course, whatever you want to talk about.”
When Captain Kirk leaned over the table- perhaps Jim would be better for the situation- he tried to place his hand on the science officer’s, but the Vulcan recoiled.
Touch was not advisable, not until their conversation was over.
Spock thought they solved his problems with his Pon Farr last month, but ever since there had been these building, distracting, illogical urges growing in his chest, his gut, his skin follicles. And he couldn’t handle them any longer.
The only lucky part was that a solution might just lay before him.
Meeting Jim’s hazel eyes, Spock took a measured breath and said, “Let’s have intercourse.”
Even though Captain Kirk- Jim- didn’t have a drink nor was sipping it, it looked like he was pantomiming spitting one out like it made the awkwardness of the question easier.
“What did you just say?”
“It has become clear to me that our fight did not satisfy the requirements of my Pon Farr. As my most trusted friend and captain, I ask you help me resolve it.” Spock cocked his head, knowing that his request didn’t quite meet human sensibilities, not the kind Jim -Captain Kirk- liked. He watched too many times the close talks in dark corners, the subtle caresses, the tenderness of it all.
He didn’t know why it built such a knot in his stomach, but Spock did not believe that those kind of actions were in his ability.
So, he offered what felt logical: “If it helps, please pretend I’m seducing you. Also, as officers confined to a starship, we could use the exercise. It could be beneficial for many reasons.”
Next to him, Jim still looked dumbfounded, so much so that his cheeks were starting to go pink. Spock wasn’t quite sure what he’d done, but he’d certainly never seen this kind of reaction. “Spock, I-”
“Do not worry, Captain, this is purely biological. Though most would not admit it, Vulcans at their core still have animal urges like all humanoid lifeforms. We can go back to normal afterwards.”
When Spock stood and offered his hand to Jim, he stared at it like it was a foreign object. Considering the Captain had taken his hand many times (a scandalous thing, but the science officer accepted it to adapt to human customs) it was odd he was recoiling now.
In lieu of Captain Kirk’s uncertainty, Spock got down on his knees in front of his commanding officer and said, “If we move with peak efficiency, it will only take a minute or two.”
Just as Spock reached for the edge of his pants, Jim... Captain Kirk... (Spock could hardly get it straight which name was more appropriate for the situation.) Well, the objectively handsome man in front of him sprung up and took a step away, his face flush and his chest heaving and he was doing these nervous giggles that Spock had never heard before.
As Spock stood to face him, tall and serious, Vulcan to man, him captain asked, “Why me?”
“Anyone else would be illogical.” Spock blinked and added, “You are the only one I am reasonably compatible with and attracted to.” Jim just stared up at the Vulcan before he fell into a fit of laughter. “Did I say something wrong?”
His captain shook his head and stood up straight. Spock could see the confidence finding its place again in Jim Kirk, settling on him like the kind of well-worn uniform that belonged on a man. And before he could ask anything more, Jim put his hands on either side of his face. “You’re absolutely unpredictable mister Spock.”
“I’m very sorry-”
Jim smirked and said, “Don’t be.”
Then he pressed his lips to his and Spock felt relief for the first time in months.
However, they were not efficient about the process. Afterwards, Spock resolved that they would have to work on that.
Though, looking at Jim napping on his shoulder, he thought, perhaps not.
