Spinning on that dizzy edge
Summary: After nine days of silence, Levi realizes that calling it "nothing" might have costed him everything. On Valentine’s day, he decides that avoiding his feelings is no longer an option, it's time to say what he's too afraid to admit even if it means risking the fragility between you two.
Pairing: Levi x reader
Word count: 4.5k
a/n: so i know valentine's day probably doesn't exist in the canon, but let it be real fo the sake of the plot :) (also this has a lot of the cure songs references)
ao3 link
The sun shone through his window, reflecting on every piece in his room: his desk with the piece of papers, all organized in alphabetical order late at night, as if he hadn’t already moved them three times over the past few days.
A pair of cups right at the edge, one of them had clearly not been used in a while. Not that he cared. Well, he told himself that lie in the dark.
But what Levi hated the most about sunny days like this is that they made more visible the empty spot by the side of his bed. White sheets, wrinkled, that should be on top of you, covering your form. But they weren’t, and they hadn’t been in nine days.
Nine fucking days.
He said it’d be fine after the third one, but it’d just gotten worse and worse with the passage of time.
If only he had closed his damn mouth for just once.
If just the right words had crossed his lips before the silence reached your ears, and its meaning reached the dots in your head.
“It’s nothing.” He’d said it right before Moblit dared to ask why you two always seemed to be around the other.
Hange was elbowing Moblit when their eyes widened with disbelief, then they narrowed at him, as if they could erase the mistake he just made.
But Levi wasn’t aware of how badly he had messed it up this time.
In fact, he had stayed oblivious until he turned his head to you, expecting some sort of sarcastic response.
But you stayed silent.
Your eyebrows went furrowed for such a brief second, he almost thought he’d imagined it. And then, a grey cloud had crossed your eyes, leaving their shine behind. It’s like you had grown cold in an instant. And your smile, the one that was always ready to tease, had just faded into a thin line.
It all happened so fast, Levi could barely register the scene.
“Gotta go, guys.”
A shiver ran down his spine, he just felt the change in the air. “Wait…” He tried to call your name.
“The meeting is about to start!” Nanaba’s voice broke through the hallway.
Mike followed right away, and you took your chance to leave behind him. Levi stayed frozen, hands on his sides, sweating cold as he clenched them.
“Oh, boys.” Hange murmured under their breath, rubbing their temples.
“What?” Moblit questioned with a frown, “I was just asking a question.”
“It wasn’t just a question!”
It was not? Levi had turned on his feet to face them, looking for an answer he didn’t dare to say loud.
They sighed, rolling their eyes at the sky. “Of course you don’t get it.”
“Get what?”
Hange shook their head before placing a hand on his shoulder. “Good luck, Levi.” They patted his skin. “You’ll need it.”
Levi was left with more questions than answers, the wheels working harder in his mind. What the—
He met Moblit’s, but the guy was just as confused as him, so he just shrugged.
That night, he had been pacing in his room with a cup in hand, his fingers holding the edge of it, its pair remained at the table, waiting for you, smoke coming from the top. But you hadn’t shown up, nor had you the following night.
It didn’t take long for Levi to understand he had screwed up this time. And really bad.
On the third day he had knocked on your door, only to find you were not around. By the fourth day, as he looked for you in every corner of the quarters, he soon enough learned you had been avoiding him.
It didn't take much science to figure out. You would usually disappear when you needed some time alone, but it's never been this long. Levi could always tell by the note you would leave for him.
This time it had just been silence.
The fifth day was just as bad. He wasn't even in the mood for tea. And Levi was always in the mood for tea.
Every cadet tried to not bother him at all during trainings, not even if they couldn't handle their own gear.
“He gets furious by just breathing.” The voices said around.
Hange had taken a seat by his side during dinner. A grin on their face. “You haven’t made amends yet, I see.”
“Hm?” He raised his eyebrows, barely acknowledging their presence.
“Make it up to her, Levi!” They punched their arm. "It's not that hard."
“Get out, four eyes.”
They chuckled with a shake of their head. “You are as grumpy as ever.”
He was about to give them a piece of their mind when his eyes caught a glimpse of you walking down the hallway, not even bothering to give a look inside. His chest clenched inside, the air contained in his lungs.
He was on his feet before he noticed. You, lost and lonely.
“Don’t you even dare.” A hand stopped him by his sleeve.
He shoved his arm away. “Leave me alone, Hange.”
“No.” They put on their feet too, looking down at him due to the height difference. “You will leave her alone until you properly say sorry to her.”
“Sorry for what?”
Hange glared at him with a purse on their lips. They weren’t even surprised at this point, but they had been expecting more courage from him. “Find me when you’re ready to talk.”
The words repeated in his head over and over again that night as he drowned himself in more paperwork, a failed attempt to shut his mind. But this traveled to the conversation that had ruined it all. Looking for the exact moment when it went downhill.
“Why are you so often around each other?”
He had known the meaning behind it. But he hadn’t been willing to face it. Face the way his heart ached by suppressing the funny feeling in his stomach. It was like rejecting the air for his lungs. Like saying 'no' to being alive.
What exactly were you two?
He groaned, making his way to his bed. He craved some sleep. A few hours would be enough.
Bad idea. His throat tightened immediately after he buried his head on the pillow, it still had remains of your scent. "Shit." He whispered, tossing around to face the ceiling.
An empty spot had made its presence on his chest now that you were not around. How was that possible? He had no idea. He just knew it was there. It felt like a piece of him was missing. It was consuming him, eating him alive. Making sure he felt your absence.
By the sixth day, Levi couldn’t take it any longer.
If you needed an explanation for his answer, sort of an apology or even a fucking living eulogy, he would give it to you. In spite of that meaning he had to face some of his demons, he would do all of that and more, but he just had to hear it from you. He craved the sound of your voice.
So yeah, maybe it was more than just nothing. But why did it matter to you anyway? Didn’t you feel the depth of his care every time he made your cup of tea? Two spoonfuls of sugar and not too hot. Fuck, he even remembered small details like that.
Didn’t you understand he liked being around you whenever he looked for your hand under a table? Or when he let you sleep on his bed after a long day? Or when he was brave enough to press his lips against yours every once in a while?
When had he ever done that before for someone else?
“Sometimes we need to hear it loud.” Hange crossed their legs on the couch, they were painting some messy traces in their journal.
It had been eight days since you last spoke to him, and he was losing it. The previous one had been a living hell, and he assumed isolation would not do much good.
Levi paced around the room, his jacket hanging on his shoulder. “But I do show it.”
“She can’t always be the one trying to interpret your actions, Levi. You have to meet her halfway sometimes.”
He frowned at her, not capable of understanding what she meant.
“Listen,” they left their pencil for a second. “I know, you know, and everybody here knows that you care about her. But that doesn’t mean she does.” They mimicked with their hands. “She’s just… terrible with communication. Just like you, which is a recipe for disaster if you ask me…”
“To the point, four eyes.” He growled.
"Alright." A smile curved over their mouth. “What is enough for you doesn’t mean it is for her.”
That just made it even harder to follow up.
“She’s failing too here by not looking for you, and explaining exactly what bothered her that day.” Hange continued, their eyes widened as the words left their mouth, Hange never just spoke with their tongue, their whole face had to be part of the conversation too. “But,” they raised a finger, shushing him at the part of his lips. “You were such an idiot for denying her that way.”
He furrowed his eyebrows. “I didn’t deny her. There’s nothing to deny. We’re…”
Hange stood on their feet, notebook in hands. “Uh uh, no no.” They shook their index. “Stop with that. You're burying your grave yourself.”
Levi stayed still, eyes narrowed. Who the fuck did Hange think they were to speak to him like that? “What are you talking about?”
They groaned, burying their head in the book. “Ugh, I don’t even know why I’m helping you!”
“Then don’t.” Voice firmed. “Because you’re making this harder than it has to be.”
“You’re the one who can’t confront his feelings!” They accused.
“I’m not. There’s nothing to deny here.” His heart sank as he spoke. “I care about her, and that’s all.”
Hange gave him a look he avoided, crossing his arms on his chest. No, he would not have this conversation. It already happened too many times in his head.
“We’re friends…” It tasted bitter in his mouth. “And friends care. That’s all this is…”
“You’d let Moblit drink of your cup?”
He wrinkled his nose. “What? No.”
“You’d let Mike grab your arm to walk?
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You would let me sleep in your room?”
Silence fell in. And its weight was too much to carry on his shoulders, so he dropped them. He hadn’t even thought about it like that.
But it made sense now.
Of course you were mad.
Of course you didn’t even want to see his face at all.
“Oh, fuck.” He leaned against the wall, running a hand through his hair.
“Oh, fuck. Indeed.” They giggled, taking a few steps closer. Their hand patted his head. He shoved it away.
“What the fuck are you laughing for now?”
“Oh, nothing." They shrugged. "It’s just funny to see the realization on your face.”
“Tsk.” His ears turned red.
Okay, so maybe you were more than just a friend. He definitely saw you differently, but the way Hange was putting it… It was way more than he could offer to you. Not because he didn’t want to, he just was… too damaged to be worthy of you. It wasn’t fair to drag you down with him.
And yet…
He let himself fall to the floor, his right knee against his chest as the other leg was extended.
“I thought you’d be happier.”
He looked up at them. “She deserves better.”
“It’s not your place to say that.”
“Hange.”
They rolled their eyes before crouching down to his level. “You wanna know what I see?”
“You’ll tell me anyway.”
They elbowed him. “She seems calmer around you.”
Huh?
“Like… you know. There’s too much going on in her mind.” Levi knew that. He could see the way it drowned you. “But you have some sort of effect to ground her.”
“I don’t.”
“Levi.” They stopped him.
“No. I don’t want her to depend on me.”
“She doesn’t.” They corrected him. “She just… likes being around you. And she cares too.”
He sealed his lips in a line, not quite knowing what to say. He didn’t want to depend on you either. He couldn’t allow this to happen any longer.
Maybe this was for the best. Maybe distance was what you needed before you got too far to pretend it never happened. But you both already crossed that line, hadn't you?
That night, under the stars, the first time he felt the warmth of your lips against his. He shouldn't have let that happen.
“What are you so afraid of?” Hange asked gently.
He shrugged, resting his arm on his knee. “Don’t know.” Did he? Or he just wasn't capable of admitting his crime. “It would never be the same if I said it loud.”
“Is that so bad?”
He looked away, remembering the little ways you had gotten into his life. How his habits had adapted to you.
The cup on his table.
Your glasses at his desk.
The extra blanket on his bed because you tended to shiver at night.
And he let it happen. Why?
Because I care about her.
“I don’t want her to settle for this.”
“Levi.” Hange softened their voice. “I can’t think of anyone else who could be a better fit for her.” He frowned. “You get her, and she gets you.”
He shook his head.
“Don’t give me that.” She scolded him. “You’re both reserved people, quiet, always at the edge of the room, but you’re also like the… the most loyal people I’ve known.”
“We’re not that alike.”
“I know you're not. But the things you both share make it easier to connect. It’s like you don’t have to explain it because you know she will understand it.”
“You’re seeing things.”
“No, I’m not.” They smiled with confidence. “And trust me, I know she appreciates that, especially after feeling invisible for so many years.”
That cut through his core. He knew the kind of person you were, why you pushed yourself away, why your walls were as high as his.
And he hated that for you. You, the most incredible person he’d ever met, deserved to be seen.
“It doesn’t matter anymore.” He looked down at his leg. “She won’t talk to me.”
“She doesn’t have to talk. Just listen.” Hange suggested. “In case you have something to say…”
He raised an eyebrow. Could he actually?
He dropped his shoulders, his eyes fixed on the sketch she had in hands.
“What’s that?” He tilted his chin.
Hange’s grin widened. “I’m making a drawing for Moblit.” They turned the book. “For Valentine’s Day.”
Right. Tomorrow.
That stupid day for sappy couples to lie to each other and pretend they’d get married.
“You could use your chance, you know?”
Huh?
He focused on the lines of the so called portrait. It looked like an amorphous being.
“This is me, and this is Moblit.” They pointed with the pencil.
Yep, Hange definitely lacked Moblit’s skills, but at least they tried.
They tried.
And he was capable of trying too. If he was willing to.
He sighed, rubbing his forehead with his hand. “Tsk.” He would regret this. But not more than losing you. “What do you think she’d like?”
Hange threw themselves to his body, hugging him tightly. “Oh my! You have a heart.”
“Get off.” He groaned, pushing them away. “Just… tell me what to do.”
His friend nodded rapidly, jumping from every corner of the room to the other as the ideas grew in their head. “Oh, we have so much to do.”
“It’s almost midnight.”
“And you have to be ready before sunrise, or you’ll never find her on time.”
Right. You were doing everything to avoid him. Even waking up earlier. Which you hated.
He adjusted his jacket and crossed the door. He wouldn’t have gotten any sleep anyway.
Hange had a way to make the impossible happen. They dragged him to the district of Trost to get the stuff he needed. They also gave him a lecture on his feelings, which he was obliged to listen to since he had no other choice, they were helping him after all.
So that was how, by the ninth day, he ended at your door, right at six am. The cleanest of his suits on, the handkerchief accommodated by his neck and his hair pulled back in a very failed attempt.
There was nothing he could do about the bags in his eyes, but he guesses that wasn’t relevant. He hoped the flowers in his hands were enough to distract you from his lack of sleep, or the letter that was almost crushing in between his fingers.
Shit, he had to get it together.
He almost lost his balance by the sudden opening of the wood behind him.
He saw the moment your eyes met his and how they widened. Like he was intruding into something he wasn’t allowed to anymore.
You took a step back.
“Hey.” He rushed to say. Why was his voice shaking?
Fuck, Levi.
You parted your lips, then closed them right away. “Hi?”
His heart skipped a beat. It’d been so long since he heard your voice.
“Can we talk?”
You took a deep breath, and held the door to try to close it, leaving him behind. “I don’t think we should.”
Okay, wrong approach, you still were mad.
Flowers, Levi, flowers.
“I got you these.” He extended his arm, avoiding your eyes.
Why did the air feel too heavy?
You glanced at them; then back at him, frowning. “Flowers.”
It wasn’t a question, yet he nodded. “Yes.”
“Flowers.” You repeated, this time with a higher tone. “What is wrong with you?”
He dropped his shoulders, the grip on his hand tightened even more. “I thought you’d like them.”
“You can’t get me flowers just because you…” Your words trailed off, and you licked your lips, pushing your hair behind. “Just because you messed it up."
Levi nodded, comprehending he was walking on eggshells, but this was something. At least he got some part of the truth out of you.
“I know, I’m sorry.” His arms remained extended. “These are not an apology. I just… I thought they’d be nice for the date.”
“The date?” Confusion lingered in your eyes. Then it hit you.
Levi could tell by the way you were clenching your jaw.
He mentally gave you three seconds to react.
One…
You swallowed your saliva.
Two…
A sharp exhale left your nose.
Three…
The lines had formed in your forehead.
“Have you lost your mind?!”
There it was.
“One day you say we’re nothing, and now you show up at my door on Valentine’s Day with flowers?” You didn’t care about the volume of your voice anymore, or that it echoed in the hallway. “Make up your mind, Levi.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “I messed it up, I know…”
“You did more than just that.”
“Can you please let me speak?” He sharpened his tone.
The indignation on your face was palpable.
“Just… listen to me, okay? You don’t have to say anything.” He softened. He knew he would not get anywhere if he copied your attitude. You had the urge to win a fight, but Levi was not willing to initiate one.
With a loud tap of your feet, you let him in.
Your scent filled his nose immediately. Mint.
He liked it.
He liked it too much to admit it.
The curtains were still closed, but you made your way to let some light in, the sun was just starting to set. He loved the way it reflected in your hair.
You rubbed your face, leaning against the window. “So?”
Levi’s gaze darted around the room in a quick second, he could sit on the couch or stay right there. What would make you comfortable?
He didn’t know. And he sucked at guessing.
The couch will do.
You raised an eyebrow at his action. “Yeah, make yourself at home.”
He didn’t miss the sarcasm in your tone. And yet, he couldn’t blame you for it. “I can’t fix this if you don’t give me the chance.”
“I don’t need you to fix anything.”
He called your name, this time with a gentler tone. Levi rarely did gentle.
You sighed. Then took a seat in front of him, not saying a single sentence.
He took that as a signal.
“I’m sorry.” He started as he looked down, gathering his words. “I… I don’t know how to do this well, but I wanna try, okay?”
You didn’t respond, just remained there with a stoic expression, a wall to protect the pain you were feeling.
“I know I fucked it up. But I… we had never labeled this…” his hand gesture to the space between the two of you. “And I know that doesn’t excuse me, and I…” He rubbed his face. Why was this so fucking hard? His gaze left yours again. “I shouldn’t have said it was nothing.”
Your heart dropped. So did the facade on your face.
“Because it’s not.” He continued, voice trembling. “At least not to… me.” He got quieter, turning his words into a whisper, as if he was confessing something that was not supposed to be heard loud.
You knew it was your turn to speak. It wasn’t fair to let him hang down there. He was making such a big effort to pour out his heart to you like that. And yet, you didn’t know how to begin.
Everything felt heavier now, because out of all people, you were not exactly expecting this from him.
“It hurt.” You said under your breath, fingers tapping on your arms. “The way you doubted before saying that,” a shaky sigh left your lips. “It felt like a stab in my back.”
He furrowed his eyebrows, leaning closer to meet your eyes, your name hanging from his lips.
“I know we didn’t talk about it before, but I thought we were on the same page.” You continued in a murmur. Now your hands had dropped to your lap, nails pinching your skin.
“We are.” His hand hesitated, then stopped midway to you. It felt like he didn’t have the right anymore.
Behind you, the kettle was about to be done. You were still making tea despite him not being around. Maybe out of habit.
He had made his little ways into your life as well. His eyes softened at the idea, and then his hand finally settled on yours.
You first flinched, and he almost pulled back, afraid of passing your limits, but you got his thumb around yours. Slowly. Soothing.
His skin was burning.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t say it sooner.” His other hand extended the flowers to you.
You let them in this time. Leaning closer to catch the smell before a little smile dragged on your lips. White orchids.
Orchids… one of the most expensive around. You couldn’t help but hold them closer. “How did you get these?”
“Hange knows some places.” He shrugged.
“Hange.” You repeated. “So that’s how you got here.”
“Tsk.” He let out an exhale at the sight of the flowers with you. Exactly where they were supposed to be. “Might have needed some help to figure it out.”
You chuckled, looking away to hide the tears in your eyes. “I shouldn’t have disappeared like that.”
“You shouldn’t.” He agreed. “But I guess we both have things to work on if we want to do this right.”
“This?”
“Us.”
The heat rushed to your cheeks, and your feet tapped louder against the floor, but now the smile was too hard to hide. “Don’t get too romantic now. Could fool me into believing you were replaced.”
He snorted something similar to a laugh. “My replacement wouldn’t know you enough to remember you secretly like going out on a sunny day.”
“I hate summer.”
“You do.” He tilted his chin. “But you like the shadow the trees create, and how you can walk under them.”
“What are you playing, Levi?”
“Nothing.” He stood on his feet, offering his hand to you. “Just to let you know I got a day off and I’d like to get some air…” He swallowed and licked his lips. “With you.”
“You got the day off.” Your eyebrow raised at him.
“Don’t give it too much thought.” His ears now were heating.
“Oh, I absolutely will.” Your fingers took his, guiding you into him, into his space, now feeling his breath on your lips. You looked for his eyes.
“We’re still not okay.”
He nodded, nuzzling into your cheek with a gentle move. “I’m aware, but it would be nice to have a decent Valentine’s.”
“You care about that now?” You asked between a chuckle.
He hummed, pulling some inches back. “I’m trying to work on my errors.”
Your heart melted at that. “And I’ll try to work on mine too.” You whispered, kissing his cheek in a sudden move, using his surprise to grab the letter from his pocket. “After reading this.” You took a step back.
His eyes widened. “You’re not supposed to read that yet!” He called, but you were already moving to your table, opening the envelope.
“Too late.” Your fingers shivered as they got the paper out. “You could join me with some tea.”
He rubbed his face, but you caught the little smirk he tried to hide.
He grabbed a cup, and poured the water to add the right amount of sugar.
Two little spoons.
He would survive the sweetness.
“Only one?” Your head tilted as he placed the cup on the table.
He took a seat by your side. “Don’t wanna wash two later.”
A hum from your throat made him look away. “Sure.” You leaned closer, getting bolder now. His collar being pulled by your hand. He was obliged to meet the intensity behind your gaze. “Levi.”
“Yeah?” His voice came out shakier than he intended.
“Happy Valentine's Day.”
His head felt like it was spinning, and every idea in his mind had simply abandoned his reason, now it was you consuming every thought, every cell in his body, every breath that touched the corner of your lips.
And he craved to drown in them.
He wished he could’ve properly said the words back to you, but the pressure of your mouth against his own stopped him.
It felt just like a dream.
Soft and only his.
Because no one else would ever get this deep into him, stealing a smile he would later deny he had on.
His hand found its way to your cheek, thumb tracing soft patterns against your skin, Levi felt this was just like heaven. Or the beginning of it, if it ever had an ending.
It didn’t matter anymore. He swore right at that moment he would never let any fear of his take this away from him. Because whenever he was alone with you, you made him feel like he was whole again.
a/fn: hellooo, im back with this draft i had planned for today, i hope you like it as much as i do, i truly enjoy writing levi in denial, it is so fun. i am trying to write as much as possible lately, so you might hear more from me soon, thank you SO much for reading, let me know what you think in the comments, i love talking to you, happy valentines if you celebrate it! <3
