It is okay to start over
This post might be too long for a lot of people. That's okay. This post isn't for everyone. This post is for me, and all the other mes out there.
I messed up. I wanted things to be perfect. I could see my life playing out exactly. I would go to school, study environmental science, and I would go on to get a research position in a governmental agency.
If only I knew.
I finished school, against my own will (I ran out of financial aid), and I had to scramble to find a job. I did; as a government official. It wasn't research, but I had hopes of one day becoming part of the research team. I was very proud of myself and my accomplishments.
The only problem was that I hated my job. I tried so, so hard to make things work. I found myself hunched over on the toilet more days than not, panicking, anxious, afraid of my schedule. I cannot, for the sake of my privacy say what it was I did exactly, but I can say that I was bad at it. Despite my best efforts, I was constantly being reprimanded for my anxieties and lack of social graces (I am on the spectrum, as well as suffer CPTSD from my experiences with conversion therapy).
I felt trapped. I live with my partner (the most amazing person to walk this planet), and we make ends meet on our own. It hasn't been easy. My parents don't support my transition, and their parents live 10 hours away.
I was fired this past November. I had to look my team lead in the eyes, knowing I tried so hard and failed. I was angry. I had confided my trust in her, and told her I was transgender, and really, really struggling. It didn't matter. But below those strong emotions, the feeling of relief slowly and quietly washed over me.
While I still had my benefits, I spoke to a therapist about my issues, and she reminded me that I had to be kind to myself. My job left me in a constant fight or flight state, and I had been for the past 9 months. While I wish I had been given more time with this therapist, the time I did have with her led me to look into my complex ptsd more intently. As an aside, I HIGHLY recommend the book Complex PTSD by Pete Walker.
Today, I am three months fired, and I am starting a new part time position as a medical scribe. I am excited, and most importantly, happy. I will be returning to university in the fall, and I will be studying electrical engineering, like I had always dreamed of; before I was told that I could never become an engineer.
Time to let the bad feelings go, toss them into the sea, and welcome the new adventures the waves bring.
