Being an ally is an active process. Being an ally means waking up every day and choosing to support an oppressed community to the best of your ability. It is an ongoing process. Being an ally does not mean getting to point to past good deeds in order to excuse current bad ones. Your one gay friend does not give you the right to make homophobic jokes. That pride parade you went to last year does not give you the right to speak over the lgbt community. The one queer kid you stood up for in high school does nothing to alleviate the pain your dismissal of the lgbt community has caused today. Being an ally is constant because being a part of an oppressed community is constant. We do not get to wake up and think, “You know, being the continual butt of offensive jokes is hard, so I am just going to be straight today, so the jokes will no longer affect me.” Whatever allyship you believe you have displayed for others in the past does the presently marginalized no good today.
And I get it. Being an ally is hard. Having to stand up to your friends or coworkers or family is hard. Having to be constantly aware of the words and thoughts coming out of your mouth is hard. This is especially true in our society where hatred and bigotry are ingrained in our culture like holidays, where offensive jokes and phrases are passed down through generations like fables. We are taught hate almost as early as we are taught love, and that is not an easy thing to consciously correct when so many of these thoughts occur unconsciously. I know this first hand. It takes constant monitoring of thoughts and words and actions, and it is tiring, and it is hard.
But you know what is even harder and more tiring? Actually being a member of that oppressed community. Actually having to face discrimination. Actually coming face to face with someone with hate in their eyes that’s directed at you, and knowing that you did nothing to earn that hate, that they hate you simply for existing, and that there is nothing you can do to change that. It is so hard, and it is so terrifying, and it is an ongoing, every day struggle that we are forced to deal with. We do not get days off. We do not get to think of that one really cool birthday gift our parents gave us that one time while they are now kicking us out of their house, and have the two events even out. We do not get to think of that time we came out to our friend, and they were okay with it, as they now openly mock our sexuality in front of others, and have their jokes not hurt. We do not get to think about that time that politician held a rainbow flag in front of the cameras as they now try to strip away our very right to love behind closed doors, and shrug it off with a, “Well, at least there was that one positive comment at a press conference months ago…”
Our struggle is ongoing. The oppression we are faced with is ongoing. So if you want to be a true ally, your support for the community has to be ongoing. Past actions are not good enough. Meaning no harm is not good enough. And placing the blame on the very community you offended for their reaction to your offensive behavior is beyond not good enough. If you want to be an ally, you need to learn to sit down and to listen. If you want to be an ally, you have to be willing to swallow your pride and not act as if you know more about the community’s struggles than actual members of the community. If you want to be an ally, you need to be willing to admit when you have made a mistake without making excuses or deflections. If you want to be an ally, then you have to choose to be an ally. Every single day. Not just when it is convenient. Not just when it involves supporting people you personally care about. Your support now is not a get out of jail free card for later. Allyship is not decided on a set of golden scales with your bad deeds weighted against the good. You either do good, or you don’t. You either support the community, or you don’t. You are either an ally, or you aren’t. It is your choice. Lucky you that you get a choice.
