Title: Are you having nightmares?
Summary:
"Levi, are you having nightmares?" Hange's tone was more serious. Her brown furrowed,
"I'm fine."
“Well…” Hange hummed. “You can have nightmares and still be fine right?”
“No. I don’t think you can.” Levi kept his own message subtle. He glared right at her.
One hand on her chest, Hange seemed to have gotten the message. “Me?”
“Now that we’re on the topic of nightmares. Are you having nightmares?”
Levi and Hange seem to be having nightmares and Levi tries to get to the bottom of it.
Written for Levihan Week 2021, Day 5: Fairytale
Link: AO3
Notes:
@levihanweek Day 5: Fairytale
I don't know if this is still accepted because it's also so late but I really am hellbent on completing the prompts. I'm still recovering from jetlag and the ten day quarantine and the domestic verse prompts are really just me dealing with some major baby fever.
Hange had a unique way of hiding her true feelings. She was an open book yet an enigma with the exact same breath. And she had always been one, Levi had known her long enough to be sure. The fact that there were so many parts of her he still didn't understand, despite having known her for almost half his life, had been particularly glaring the past few weeks.
Or maybe, Levi was just thinking too far into it.
Levi could have sworn though that something just wasn't right. He had the heavy eye bags, the unshakeable fatigue of almost sleepless nights. In the mornings, he had the bombardment of bustling sounds and soft lights which seemed to contrast annoyingly with his own discomforts.
"Levi, you okay?" Hange asked over a plate of breakfast eggs and basket of bread. Her mood, her approach towards him were just like those of every other morning before.
But Levi had seen too much to be able to stomach it too easily. No, are you okay? He would have liked to ask.
Hange though seemed more occupied with mixing her eggs and rice than with observing whatever expression was on Levi's face (which he could have sworn were heavier than usual) and the sluggish way he was navigating his breakfast.
Without warning, her attention shifted to him, abruptly enough to make Levi jump. "Levi?" Hange waved one hand over his face.
He was lucid enough to see that coming at least. He leaned away from Hange’s touch. "I'm fine. I should be asking you the same thing."
"Hm?" Hange cocked her head innocently to one side. "I'm fine too."
Does your throat burn? Are your eyes swollen? Just a quick look and a quick listen and Levi was sure, Hange was fine, perfectly healthy.
The ordeal every single damn night though was telling another story. And Levi was starting to doubt his own memories. Had he been dreaming?
Loud screams. Fatigue shouldn't have been this vivid if they had just been dreams. Just to be sure of it, Levi pinched himself.
His high pain tolerance, his nonchalance with pain turned out to be an utter inconvenience. Pinching himself had done nothing to wake him up.
It wasn't a dream right? He turned to his son propped on a high chair, still too young to be of any use in that little game of dream versus reality.
"Levi?" Hange asked.
"Yes? What?" If there was anything loud enough to have pulled him out and into reality, it had been his own voice.
"I said I'm leaving for work now."
"See you," Levi mustered weakly.
That day, he didn't accompany Hange to the front door.
***
For his age, Luke had a good handle of words, enough to express the most simple desires. Reading and Comprehension-wise, he was miles ahead for his age bracket and Levi attributed to the time Hange had dedicated to reading to the young boy. If Levi were to be completely honest though, he didn't think a child who barely brushed past the age of one should have been playing more than reading.
Still, there was a convenient pile in the living room right next to the bookshelf. When Levi gathered them in his arms and started to reorganize them on the bookshelf, he found himself the victim of one of his son's whims.
Luke appeared next to him then, pulled at one of the covers with a dragon on it and held it in front of Levi.
"You want me to read it?" Levi asked.
Luke didn't nod but the glimmer in his wide-eyed eyes was enough of an affirmation.
Levi was painfully free not in a hurry to do anything in particular and for once, he didn't have much of a reason to tell Luke 'to wait until dark, until mommy comes home.' In that brief moment, in that silent conversation between father and son, Levi started to notice, he had never read that book to Luke and he wondered why the hell he had never bothered to.
You're his father. Levi scolded himself as he caved into the large pleading eyes of his son.
He settled on the sofa, then he plopped his son right next to him. He held the young boy’s small delicate head onto his lap. Snug and settled, he started to feel for the pages of the book. His eyes landed on the front page for just a second, taking in the red dragon smack at the center.
With nothing else to think about, Levi became a little more aware of the sawdust in his mouth. He was prone to getting so easily self conscious of his voice and he had a strange desire to please his one year old son. He had seen Hange read that book to Luke so many times before.
At that age apparently, most kids seemed to get attached to certain books and that was Luke's favorite. But despite the long hours he spent with the boy, Levi was still a stranger to the plot of the book.
So he started slowly. “Once upon a time, there was a red dragon that lived on top of the hill…”
His voice was naturally soft and Levi suspected as he saw the eyes of his son flutter, that his tone may have been too monotonous.
He started to hear Hange’s voice in his head. She had a way of speaking with a natural cadence. She had a melody, a distinct up and down, then a cadenza to it which probably made the whole reading process a little more engaging for the young boy. Although Levi had never picked up what the story was about, he did immerse himself in whatever melody Hange seemed to sing every time she read aloud.
Levi tried, but he couldn't seem to replicate it. Around the third page, the boy’s breaths evened out, he lay limp on Levi’s lap. They never got past the part where the young dragon left his village in search of his new power.
Levi wasn’t too interested in the plot anyway. One hand cradling his son's head, the other propping his knees up, Levi carried him into the bedroom and tucked him into bed, not giving a second thought about the storybook beyond the need to put it neatly back on the shelf.
***
It didn’t happen everyday but Levi could have sworn, it happened at least thrice a week.
He wasn't good at making accurate estimates though, especially sicne those nights happened too quickly. They happened in blurs. And during those nights, Levi was too busy slipping his hands in between her sides and her arms and he pulled her closer.
The few nights before that, he attempted to wake her but whatever possessed Hange seemed to overpower her. He would try to wake her but it never proved successful. Hange was dead asleep every damn night it happened. Overtime, Levi learned to just play silently, be a good and patient partner and get her through whatever that strange recurring nightmare was.
That consisted of loud nights, screams, short breaths and the occasional long one. Hange let out screams, howls, something Levi had sworn he had never even heard of, even in the middle of the battlefield, bombarded by death after death.
Occasionally, Levi heard a crack in her voice in between screams, followed by some ragged breaths.
It soon became routine and Levi could only do so much. Eventually, her screams deadened into murmurs, then a tranquil silence. Without the trashing, Levi would tighten his embrace. When the sun started to rise, Hange would look back at him and ask him if he were okay. During those moments, Levi was certain, the worst was over. If he were lucky, he had time to fall back to sleep.
One particular morning, when Levi came to his senses again, Hange had turned on her side, her face inches away from him.
She seemed peaceful, calm and just a little amused. Her brown eyes wide, the crinkle and her dimples just a little deeper. She chuckled lightly. “You can let go now.”
***
It was the weekend and Hange was reading that damn book to Luke again.
“Oh no! What happened to the dragon!” Hange asked in mock horror.
"Mommy! What happened?"
“I don't know...” Hange muttered, with over exaggerated confusion. She never gave Luke any freebies when it came to simple questions.
The two were curled up on the sofa again and Levi was in the middle of reorganizing the books on the shelf, and occasionally eavesdropping. When in the middle of doing something as complex as solving his own puzzles in the house, he couldn’t focus on too many things at once.
He did however, pick up the few times Luke roared followed by a laugh from Hange.
“There! That’s it,” Hange said. “The dragon got a new special power…” She was a bundle of pride. She prattled on for a few minutes longer after that.
Having lived with her for years and having worked with her for many years before that, Levi had gotten accustomed to just tuning her out. And everyday he was getting better at tuning his own son when he was starting to sound like Hange when he ranted.
Luke was screaming too, and Hange was laughing. Within the walls of their small apartment, the sounds echoed, bouncing off the walls. Then they rang in his ears.
Levi probably lasted a second, before he gathered the books and started thinking up an excuse for an escape. “I’m going out to the balcony. It’s dirty,” Levi said, his voice a little out of his control.
“Sure!” Hange had stopped her laughs and her and her storytelling only long enough for that, and somehow, that had Levi’s blood slightly seething. He spun around quickly taking in the balcony just outside.
There were unwelcome visitors but for the first time, Levi was welcoming them. And for the first time, Levi was thankful some birds had made a toilet out of the balcony.
At least there was some excuse to clean and leave those two alone.
***
It was one of those nights again. And it just so happened that it had only been a few hours since that lazy afternoon cleaning bird turd on the balcony. Never would Levi have thought that he’d miss the lazy part of that day, even if it involved a pile of birdshit.
If it meant Hange would just stop screaming, if it meant not having to process the weight, the stress, the prickle at his neck.
There was a ringing in his ears. It reverberated. The pain, the discomfort or maybe just the heart wrenching sound was making his eyes water.
Hange was screaming again. It was as loud as every other day before. Levi slipped his hand underneath Hange's side, one under her her free arm, positioned his hands right under her chest and pulled her close. He gritted his teeth. He let out breaths, stayed stiff as she trashed under his grasp.
"I'm here," he murmured. He shushed her soothingly but she probably wouldn't hear it over the sound of her own screams or under the trappings of sleep. Just in case, he buried his face on her neck. He took in her strong scent and willed himself to hold on, and if his body and the sounds allow him any asleep then so will it. If they didn't, so be it.
By some piece of magic or miracle, time moved quickly. He could have dozed off for a second. And maybe Hange had calmed down.
The first sound he processed was the song of the morning birds then the soft even breathing next to him.
A few minutes of flitting in and out of sleep later, Hange spoke up. "Levi…” She struggled weakly out of his embrace. “I have to go to work."
***
"Levi, are you having nightmares?" Hange's tone was more serious. Her brown furrowed, her eyes narrowed. She could have been worried or Levi could have just been another one of her experiments. Most likely, both.
Her own question did have Levi thinking. He could have sworn Hange had been the one having nightmares. Maybe her screams at night were just his own nightmares. Hange had a tendency of playing with his mind though so he stuck with less cooperative answer. "I'm fine."
“Well…” Hange hummed. “You can have nightmares and still be fine right?”
“No. I don’t think you can.” Levi kept his own message subtle. He glared right at her.
One hand on her chest, Hange seemed to have gotten the message. “Me?”
“Now that we’re on the topic of nightmares. Are you having nightmares?”
Hange looked up at the ceiling, seeming deep in thought. “Not really…Why are you asking that?”
Did he tell Hange he had dreams she was screaming? Was that something he should have been worried about? When too many questions were running through his head, Levi chose to bend down and focus on his breakfast, use that brief reprieve as some opportunity to organize his thoughts, maybe find a way to explain the screaming, the need to comfort her in his dreams and then the impulse to hold her close.
He stayed mum for a second too long.
“Might be late for work! See you later.” She was out the door before Levi could even process what the hell had happened.
***
Levi was stuck with Luke again. While still reflecting on Hange’s strange behavior, he would have preferred to be alone.
Children though were a piece of work twenty four seven. He fed the kid, bathed him, dressed him and when he thought it was over, Luke suddenly asked him to read that damn book again.
Three pages into it, it didn’t look like Luke was going to fall asleep anytime soon.
“Keep reading daddy!”
No. Levi was tempted to say it out loud. It was easy not to give into temptation though. There were too many things he could occupy himself with.
Like what’s supposed to happen next? Levi thought to himself. There was something about the dragon going on a journey to discover his true powers. Then his trusty fairy friend coming along with him. It was difficult to do everything at once: read aloud, take in the drawings in the picture book, watch Luke while the young boy pranced around the room and while doing all that, making sense of the plot.
So when Luke asked some question about the story, Levi would just answer ‘yes.’ Once or twice, Luke called told him he was wrong. At the least, Levi was grateful that his son was smart enough to comprehend the plot of a book Hange had read to him endlessly.
A few more pages until the end, and Luke started to roar. The sound bounced on the walls, flew across the room and somehow, Levi found himself jumping at the sound. What the fuck.
Luke was much faster than Levi then. The young boy was skipping around the living room faster, then he started to march, his strides wider. He screamed louder.
“Daddy, do you see the fireball?”
What. Levi raised his eyebrows and nodded. He didn’t see a fireball but he could at make the playtime a little funner for the young boy.
“If I scream louder… it gets bigger!” Then he roared again, louder. He bent forward, pointed his ass back as if that had done anything to make it louder.
He was a toddler. How much louder could he get?
“Do you see the fire?”
Levi nodded. “Yes.” No, he didn't see a fire. It didn't seem right either to kill a toddler's imagination.
“Daddy scream too!”
Levi didn’t concede at first.
But Luke was persistent. “Please!”
He couldn’t bring himself to say no either. He took in a deep inhale, opened his mouth then let out an exhale.
He tried to put some voice into it. He could have sworn he did. Then he started to think, maybe he didn’t.
Luke’s disappointed pout was evidence enough. “Mommy was louder than that..”
***
“Hange, I finished that book.” The words came out of his mouth before he could even why he had decided to say it in the first place. Late at night, during a bout of silence, with his partner being a generally laid back person, Levi didn't think too much anyway about watching his mouth.
Hange looked up at him, the tea cup stopped just inches from her mouth. “Which book?”
“The one you’d read to Luke.”
“Which one?”
“The fairytale book.”
“Which one?”
”The one with the dragon,” Levi said. He sat in front of her with a huff, shaking away the trappings of sleep. It had been a notably exhausting day and it was just one of those few nights that Levi was considering retiring to bed a little bit past midnight.
”Ah yeah, that’s Luke’s favorite.” Hange cupped her tea cup a little tighter, a playful grin on her lips.”It’s fun reading it huh?
Levi didn’t bother to answer that question.“It's an annoying book. Especially if you consider the fact that towards the end, our child starts roaring.”
“Hey, it’s an inspiring story and I think it can teach kids a lot,” Hange said defensively. “A dragon on a quest to find his true powers, defeats a lot of his enemies and he finds out, the fire has been in him all along and all he has to do is let out a loud scream!"
Levi put one hand up instinctively when he spotted Hange taking a deep breath. "You seem invested.."
Hange shrugged. "Well, when you read it enough times, you start dreaming about it."
The key word was ‘dream.’ Soon after, Levi had managed to figure it out for himself. “Wait, wait. You're dreaming about…”
“Being the dragon,” Hange said matter-of-factly. “Like those dreams where I go on that journey, and I meet the wizard and he tells me, the power has been with me all along. And all I have to do is---”
“The power has been with me all along!” The dragon became excited. He inhaled… Then let out a long loud scream.
That was around the time Luke had started screaming. Levi didn’t memorize the story but he was still at least certain enough of that development.
“So in that dream… did you…Scream?” Levi asked.
Hange snapped her fingers excitedly. “Of course, In the story, that’s the only way to breathe the fire right?” she asked, as if she had assumed that Levi had read that book thoroughly.
Levi paused for a moment, and attempted to recall those excruciating episodes. In retrospect, it was easier to notice, Hange’s screams that night weren’t what anyone would have called bloodcurdling.
“Those were pretty vivid dreams…” Hange recounted.
“Very vivid dreams?” Levi corrected. Just like my dreams of you screaming. He had little to no energy though to amend his own response. The more Hange talked about the story, the more excited she seemed. The more she talked about the fire power and the indispensable scream, the more Levi was convinced that her own dreams weren’t a scream.
It all ended with some final confirmation with a soft scream from Hange, similar to the same roar Luke would do in the living room.. When Hange was mimicking the motions of breathing fire that night, it rang heavy, it seemed desperate as if she was running away from something. With the right frame of thought and the right hints, Levi could have sworn Hange had been laughing in between screams.
Laughing. Then screaming, like she was breathing fire. “Hange, how vivid are those dreams?”
“Very vivid.”
“Like...”
“Like…” Hange hummed. “I really remember screaming... Or at least in my dreams. Why?”
“Nothing.”
“You've been having nightmares too right?”
“Well it turns out they weren’t fucking dreams,” Levi grumbled.
“What?” Hange blinked, a confused look on her face.
Levi pushed the chair back and stood up. “Let’s go back to bed.”
“Hey, I’m not yet done drinking.”
“Then hurry up. I’m going to bed.”
That was an empty threat. Levi wouldnt’t have left Hange or retired without cleaning out the tea cups and saucers on the table.
And it looked like Hange saw through it. She smirked playfully. “You serious? You're sleeping this early?”
His eyelids heavy, his mouth trembling in frustration, Levi gathered his own saucer then Hange's. "I haven't been sleeping well these past few nights."
"You're really having nightmares huh? You wanna talk about it?"
"After I've slept enough," Levi said coldly as he brought the dishes to the sink. “We can talk in the morning.”
Hange was persistent. "But you might sleep better if you talk about it right? It doesn't make any sense that you're going to bed and you're gonna risk dreaming about it again."
"I'm. not. having. nightmares." Levi raised his voice over the sound of the water running and the sound of the scrubbing of saucers and cups. "I just said I'm not sleeping well."
There was a pregnant pause. "You wanna see a doctor?" Hange asked hesitantly.
"No. I'm fine," Levi said.
"If we don't talk about this, we won't be able to find a way to fix it." Hange was annoyingly matter-of-fact about it.
But then, Hange usually got the hint. Both of them could usually talk in hints and details more than in actual conclusions and they would also stumble upon some sort of resolution. Maybe the truth was just so farfetched, or maybe Levi's own speculation was just too out of this world that Hange hadn't figured it out for herself.
Then he lost confidence in his speculation. If a genius like couldn't figure it out, then maybe it wasn't true? "Maybe you wanna try not reading that book first?"
"The dragon book?" Hange asked, Of course it was the dragon book. Hange seemed to be stalling and late at night, she seemed to have caught the exhaustion that had been plaguing Levi.
"Yes, that damn fairytale you've been reading to Luke."
Hange looked up, seeming deep in thought. It looked like with time, she was able to put two and two together. A few seconds later, she spoke up. "Am I... screaming in my sleep?"
The cups and saucers cleaned. Levi put them on the tray to dry, looked back at Hange and nodded slowly.
"And that's why you've been holding me in the mornings," Hange continued, a look of utter comprehension in her face. She could have been explaining a new discovery to one of the government officials.
"Yes," Levi answered, his tone firm. Hange's own revelation had been enough to take some of the weight off Levi's shoulders. "Let's go to the room."
When they had settled on the bed, turned off the lights, Hange was still speaking. She was sitting up on her side of the bed and she didn't look like she was in a hurry to sleep any time soon. "And that's why you've been looking so tired lately. God, Levi I was so worried about you too."
Levi mumbled something but he didn't bother to figure out what. He was in and out of sleep already. It was Hange and her loud domineering voice which still managed to tear into that in between state.
"What now?" Hange asked. "If I sleep now..."
"Sleep..." Levi murmured.
She got that part at least. "If I sleep, I'm gonna end up screaming again."
"Baby steps, don't read that damn book." Levi mumbled louder and he hoped it was clear enough for her to understand.
"But Luke---"
"Sleep."
"Levi..."
"Sleep."
Hange could have protested for a few more moments after that but Levi didn't remember the rest of it. The next time he awoke was almost an hour later, once again to loud screams then ragged breaths. To an excuse to slip his arms around her once again and bring her closer to him in one tight hug.
"Baby steps," he whispered just to himself. Baby steps.
