Summary: With love comes trials, tribulations, and sacrifices, but sometimes it's worth it in the end.
Pronouns: He/Him/His, M!Reader
CW/TW: Mentions of period typical homophobia/the law against queer folks in the military, mild angst
To my male inclined girlies in the fandom.. you will survive not writing a straight fic about a gay character. There are a million other straight white guys you can write about my loves.
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I'll be all that you want
I'll be all that you need
I'm outside your apartment
Baby, come back to me
I just built us a house
Down across the sea
Just to tell you I'm sorry
Baby, come back to me
The worst part of living alone was the silence. It was suffocating.
He'd managed for a while, staying occupied between working at Lemmy's Bar and keeping up with the local fairs and farmers' markets. It felt good to get involved in the community, to step outside and greet a friendly face who'd stop by later to hand over a homemade pie or offer to fix something up for him around the house.
Things had been different back home, back in a place where your only options were becoming a crime statistic or getting the hell out of dodge. He'd grown up believing he'd book it out of his hometown hand-in-hand with the person he believed to be the love of his life to start fresh someplace new, someplace better.
Instead, he watched his best friend pack what few belongings he had and get on a bus so he could become another cog in the machine. (Y/N) had never considered which was worse: the empty promises or the fact that he continued believing them until reality finally slapped him in the face.
(Y/N) felt like a stranger in his own home, his shoulders rigid and body tense, caught between smiling affectionately at the sight of Liam attempting to entice his cat out of his hiding spot with a toy and asking him what the hell he wanted now after so long.
His back remained pressed to the wall, arms wrapped tight around himself, with his eyes continuing to flicker toward the clock ticking away on the kitchen wall.
It was late. The only taxi company in town would need to be bribed to head out so deep into the countryside down a road with no light posts.
Reluctantly, (Y/N) pushed himself off the wall and jerked his head toward the hallway. "There's a guest room you can use. The bed is small, shitty, but you're probably used to that by now." He told him, reaching down to the foot of the couch where Liam had set down his rather dramatically large backpack. "I'll show you."
"Demoted to guest room, huh?"
Liam gave the feather wand a few more wiggles, but little Pecan remained tucked away in his spot behind the couch, only offering the ginger a few blinks. Despite his failure, Liam only grinned at the feline before raising his head to look at him.
"I was hoping to go to bed at your side."
(Y/N) pursed his lips. "You haven't done that in years, Liam."
"Only a few." Liam frowned, but (Y/N) knew him well enough to see the guilt that sparked in those baby blues. "I... I haven't been gone long, but I'll make it up to you."
"You've been gone more than a few years, and you know it. You've been doing all kinds of shit: classified things, Liam. Things you- you can't tell me about, which I have to assume means you're doing them in other countries or- or-"
(Y/N) clamped his mouth shut and inhaled shakily through his nose, giving a light shake of his head as he turned toward the hallway. He shouldered open the door to the guest room and set the backpack over the bed, releasing a soft exhale through his nose.
They'd been over this a million times: the dangers of Liam's career, how he shut down any real conversation about it, how he couldn't accept they weren't as close as they'd been before he got on that bus to head to boot camp. Things weren't the same. Liam wasn't the same. He was someone new, someone guarded and burdened.
"Baby."
Liam's voice was soft and gentle, a tone he always used when speaking to him, unless it was through the phone and there were people around. Then, he became the robotic, serious, obedient Liam that was a stranger to him.
How Liam, his incredible Liam, could manage to be two different people was a mystery to him.
"You don't get to call me that." He murmured, his tone a hint childishly defiant, and Liam chuckled softly behind him. His head whirled around to glare at him, and Liam's amusement swiftly died. "I'm serious, man. You don't get to come and go as you damn please. I have a new life here, and you- you disrupt it once every couple of years. What am I supposed to do?"
The needlelike feeling of years stinging his eyes made him huff in irritation, and he pushed Liam's hands away while he fought to collect himself.
"What am I supposed to do, Liam? Huh? Wait- Wait for you to come back in a damn coffin? Every time I get a phone call, I think, "This is it. They're calling to say he's dead." Do you have any idea what that's like? I put my life on hold for you, and you're treating yours like a joke."
Liam's brows tightened with guilt and mild frustration. "(Y/N)-"
"You risk your life for them, and they'd throw you in jail if they knew about us. You have to hide who you are- you, fuck, you use a woman's name whenever you write to me! You can't say what you really feel if you call me from base! What am I supposed to do, Liam?"
(Y/N) ran his fingers over his forehead and sniffled. Liam's shoulders sagged at the sound. "Just.. sleep in the guest room. I don't have the energy to have this argument with you. Again."
Leaving Liam in the guest room and stepping out into the hallway, he dried the wetness under his eyes with his fingertips as he headed toward his bedroom. He wasn't sure how many more bittersweet reunions he could have with Liam, how many more sleepless nights he could endure. His chest was already aching, his head was already throbbing.
The bed creaked beneath the weight of his body when he sat at the edge, his head in his hands, his mind running wild. He wished things had gone differently, wished he'd fought tooth and nail to stop Liam from going to that recruiter, wished he'd reported the recruiter for helping him enlist when he was below the weight requirement.
He stared down at the wooden floorboards until a pair of black boots entered his vision, dirtied with mud along the edges and worn from years of use. Liam kneeled in front of him, his hands gently wrapping around (Y/N)'s wrists to peel his hands from his face. He leaned in, lips brushing over his cheekbones tenderly.
"I'm sorry." He whispered, his breath warm and smelling of mint. "I don't say that a lot, but I mean it. I-I-I know I've been taking you for granted, baby, and it kills me when I can't be close. I..." His tongue swiped over his lips, his eyes dropping down to their hands. "I took two weeks off before my next deployment, and I came straight here to spend them with you, if you want me here."
Deployment. (Y/N) knew what that meant. Weeks and months of radio silence while Liam adjusted to his new environment and schedule.
"Where?"
"Guam."
(Y/N)'s brows knitted. "Where the fuck is Guam?"
Liam snorted softly, a little laugh tumbling from his mouth, before he leaned in to kiss the corner of his mouth. "You don't know where Guam is, baby?"
His eyes crinkled in a way that made him look youthful, freer, and (Y/N) felt his irritation die slowly at the sight of his wide, teasing smile. "You're supposed to be the smart one between us, remember?"
"They didn't exactly teach us geography in our shitstain of a town, Li," (Y/N) muttered, his fingers curling around Liam's and squeezing.
"It's a little island near the Philippines, alright? It's a long way from here, so I'll try to call you when it's daytime here. My letters will probably take a while to arrive, too. I.. I don't know how long it'll be until I return to the mainland, (Y/N). It might be years before I see you face-to-face again." Liam brought his hand to his face, kissing the back of (Y/N)'s knuckles.
"Nothing new." (Y/N) sighed, tugging his hands free to run a fingertip over his brow. "I can't keep doing this, Liam, I can't. Be a Marine, fight for this country, but I can't keep this up. You... You have to let me go, Liam. Let us go."
Liam's lips pressed together tightly, those vibrant eyes of his flickering between (Y/N)'s and threatening to shimmer with unshed tears. "You know I can't do that." He whispered, his head shaking. "I can't, (Y/N). I can't. I'm- I'm doing this for us. I-I send money when I can-"
"I have your money, Liam." (Y/N) interrupted softly, his teeth catching the inside of his bottom lip as he reached for the nightstand drawer and took out the envelope, thick and heavy with money. "Keep it. I never asked for it."
"No, no, it's for you. For us." Liam swallowed harshly. "For our future."
(Y/N)'s lips rolled into his mouth, and he rested the envelope on his thigh so he could cup Liam's face in his hands. "Baby," He started softly, gently, running his fingers along his cheeks, his skin reddened from time in the sun. "We have no future."
"I love you."
"But not enough."
Stepping through the doorway, his eyes automatically found the picture set atop the entry table while he kicked the front door shut and muttered soft greetings in response to Pecan's raspy mews.
Nostalgia invaded his chest at the sight of the scrawny, shaggy-haired boy he'd fallen in love with in his youth, his mouth twisted up in that familiar smirk and vibrant eyes filled with mischief.
It'd been a while since he last heard from Liam. Nothing since a letter from Guam stating he planned to leave the island and would try to visit soon, which meant he'd either pop by unexpectedly within a week, a month, or a year.
Balancing two brown grocery bags in one arm, he locked the door and reached down to pat the top of his cat's head, a heavy sigh forming in his chest. He made peace with the heartbreak, tried to maintain distance from Liam by letting his calls go to voicemail on occasion and filling a box in his bedroom with unopened letters when he knew they'd be filled with affection that'd pull at his heartstrings.
He'd begun to prefer the perfect, emotionless soldier. It helped the process of detachment.
"Pecan, please," (Y/N) huffed lightheartedly at his mewling child, carefully maneuvering around the tabby to avoid tripping over him on his way to the kitchen. "You ate an hour ago, my love. Stop acting like you've been starved for days."
Pecan answered with a half-meow, half-shriek of protest. And, because it was easier to ignore someone when they were miles away, (Y/N) gave in to his demanding furry friend with a couple of treats scattered on the floor.
He glanced toward the clock and then to the phone, hands plucking the groceries from the bag and setting them on the counter, anticipation bubbling in his stomach. If his guess was correct, Liam had been in the country on Parris Island for a few weeks now, settling into whatever role and position he was given. He usually called sooner.
What if he'd finally given up and accepted their fate? A hint of sour bitterness flooded (Y/N)'s mouth, and as swiftly as he noticed it, he distracted himself by stuffing his fridge. He wanted that, he reminded himself. He wanted them to part ways, to at most simply be friends... who knew everything about each other.
(Y/N) stood in front of his fridge, teeth nipping at his inner cheek and tears threatening to flood his vision. "God," He sighed, setting the milk carton inside and nudging Pecan aside with his foot when the cat attempted to climb inside the fridge. "I should move to Canada. I'm sure there are bars in Canada that need employees."
Pecan mewed.
"Yeah, you're right. I can do better than a Canadian bar, can't I, bubba?" (Y/N) scooped the fuzzy, demanding creature into his arms and set the last of the canned food into the pantry.
Once the groceries were put away, he made his way to the living room, settling down on the couch and turning on the radio. It filled the silence and occupied his attention with the news and random tidbits from the station playing.
Until the phone rang, and (Y/N)'s heart skipped a beat.
It was fine to answer the call, he told himself as he approached the dial phone. Liam deserved to talk to a familiar voice, to unburden himself of things his colleagues wouldn't understand. He was doing this for Liam. Just to be nice, and not because he missed hearing his voice cooing into his ear or blabbering about things (Y/N) barely understood.
Taking a deep breath, (Y/N) brought the phone to his ear. "Hello?"
There was silence on the other end, apart from the background noise of what he assumed was a bar, given the static noise of a television and slurred chatter. He'd worked in one long enough to recognize the telltale signs.
Liam drank most when he was stressed, and a drunken, stressed Liam was a ticking time bomb.
He'd been privy to enough of his fights throughout their youth to know, and while Liam had been a walking twig then, he was a wall of muscle now. A wall of muscle who likely knew a million different ways to do much worse than break a nose.
(Y/N) pressed his shoulder to the wall, his heartbeat quickening. "I can hear you breathing, you know."
"Sorry." Liam's laugh was breathless, tired. "I missed your voice."
"Yeah, same here. How's Parris Island?"
"It's, uh, fine. I'm a drill instructor now. This fucking platoon is-" There was a long, drawn-out sigh on the other end. Knowing him, he was probably rubbing a hand over his face like an exhausted father. "You know how it is."
Not really, (Y/N) almost said, and then bit his tongue. Liam had asked him to tag along, to join him back when he entertained the idea of being a Marine. (Y/N) told him he didn't have a death wish. It was still a sore subject. "I assume that means you're putting them through hell? Treating them worse than how you were treated?"
"They need this, (Y/N). They have to learn. They have to reach their full potential. An unprepared Marine is a dead Marine, and I can't have that on my conscience, too."
"I'm not judging you, Li," (Y/N) assured him, curling his finger tightly around the phone line. Too. "You've preached the importance of boot camp torment enough times. Is... Is this your thing now? I thought you were, uh, recon?"
Reconnaissance.
He remembered when Liam explained what it was, the seriousness in his brow and the way he moved his hands while he spoke. Truthfully, (Y/N) hadn't absorbed much of what he said, too focused on watching how the warm lamplight shone on his flushed face and how his newfound muscles rippled with each movement.
Liam had laughed bashfully when he noticed (Y/N)'s blatant ogling, leaned in with a few teasing remarks before (Y/N) kissed him breathless and dragged their sweaty, warm bodies together.
It'd been one of the few days they hadn't argued or shed tears of frustration over each other's opinions, and remained tangled up in bed with smiles and laughter.
"I.. I needed a change of scenery, I guess. I thought it'd be worse, but.." Liam trailed off, and (Y/N) heard him swallow. "There's this kid in the platoon. Cope. He joined with his buddy. He... God, (Y/N), he reminds me of us. He's this skinny little thing, barely gains any muscle, should've washed out on his first day. He's got this light in his eyes.. every time I look at him, I see you. I see myself."
"Found your mini-me, huh?" (Y/N) couldn't help but smile. "Sounds like you'll be going twice as hard on him."
"He already despises me." Liam laughed. "It's good, though. Means I'm doing my job. Means I'm doing right by him."
"I'm sure he'll never forget you, Li. You'll probably haunt his dreams for a while." Like how you haunt mine. "Is that all? Just checking in?"
Liam fell quiet again, his breathing filling the phone. "I... I had a friend in Guam. He is, uhm.." (Y/N) heard shuffling, the soft noise of a throat being cleared.
"Gay.. and he gave me a lot of advice. Told me things I didn't want to hear, but I'm thankful. He had a lover here in the States, and his lover got sick unexpectedly. Died a month later and... he didn't find out until after the funeral. Now, people are talking because he's been grieving for so long. He may lose his job, may go to jail."
"Where are you going with this, Liam?"
"My contract is up, (Y/N). I haven't... I haven't signed the reenlistment form yet. I don't know if I will."
The air left (Y/N)'s lungs in a long exhale, and his knees threatened to buckle. "Oh."
His back pressed to the wall, and he slid down it until he reached the floor, his legs slumping and sprawling out in front of him. Pecan took it as an invitation, his long, fluffy body leaping off the couch cushion to approach him and curl up in his lap. (Y/N) trekked his fingers through his fur, his breathing shallow, tongue unable to form words.
"Captain Fajardo's been encouraging me to reenlist, but... Fuck, I don't know. (Y/N), I want to be with you. I want to wake up by your side, to know you're safe and okay, but I need a purpose. I can't stay stagnant in one place, (Y/N). It'll drive me insane."
"Uhm,"
(Y/N) hadn't noticed he'd been crying until he heard the way his voice trembled.
"Uhm, I-I have a neighbor. She has a big farm and- and her son will be moving away after his wedding next month. She'll be looking for a ranch hand. It's hard work. Sometimes they're out in the sun from dawn to dusk. It might not include screaming in the faces of young men, but you'll probably have to yell at a stubborn animal or two."
Liam hummed quietly.
"And a lot of the guys in town will get together to help each other with random projects. Sometimes they go out hunting in the woods. I think they'd appreciate having an expert."
"On hunting?"
"On guns, jackass." Liam chuckled softly on the other end. "You'll like it here, Li. Come home."
Another beat of silence, of soft breathing and the background noise of the bar. (Y/N) curled his arm around Pecan and brought him tight to his chest, pressing his cheek into the soft fur along his head.
This was it.
This was the start of a new chapter and the potential end to their story. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to even his breathing before Liam could pick up on it.
"When Captain Fajardo asked if I was needed back home, if I even had a place to return to... I told her I had someone who was home to me. It.. It reminded me of something Aaron said when he mentioned he wanted to go back to his lover and stay. He said that there was no point in fighting if he didn't have someone to go home to."
(Y/N) took in a breath. "What will you do, then? Are you coming back?"
"I don't know, baby. I don't know."
It'd been nearly a month since the phone call, since (Y/N) clutched Pecan in his arms and sniffled into his soft body until he gathered the strength to get up from the floor.
He went through the motions he usually did when he wanted to force Liam into the back of his mind: he went jogging during his free time, offered to tutor the kids in town at the library, volunteered wherever they needed someone, stuffed his face with homemade sweets gifted by his neighbors.
He debated adopting another cat, just to further fill the void. Maybe to spite Liam, since he never had any luck with felines.
The road to his house was mostly dirt and sand that grew bumpy and awkward to drive over when certain vehicles traversed it. There were only three other people who used the road to get home, so (Y/N) recognized the marks of their car tires and farm equipment, which meant he immediately noticed the other tire marks on the road as he headed down the road to his house.
Anticipation bubbled in his gut at the sight of the taxi heading down the road in his direction, and he pressed down on the gas pedal once his house came into view.
He clumsily unbuckled his seatbelt, his breath catching in his throat every so often as he fumbled with the two homemade pies he'd been given as thanks by two mothers for tutoring their kids.
After nearly tripping over the porch steps and narrowly dropping his keys, (Y/N) managed to get the front door open and stepped inside, his eyes flickering from the photo at the entry table to the real deal sitting on his couch.
He shut the door behind him silently, muttering his greeting to Pecan when the cat curled around his legs with his usual demands.
"Needy little guy." Liam perched his head on his fist, the corners of his eyes crinkling. "Gets it from his dad, I guess."
(Y/N) rolled his eyes and walked toward the small, round dining table, carefully setting the pies down and getting Pecan a scoop of his dry food. He flexed his trembling fingers and sighed quietly, gathering up whatever strength he had left before he stood in front of Liam and met his bright eyes.
"So? What's going on?"
Liam stood up from the couch, his gaze intent and heavy. "I waited for boot camp to end. I wanted to see them cross that line and become Marines before... before I left for good." There was a hint of caution in his slowly spoken words, his eyes flickering between (Y/N)'s. "I didn't reenlist. I'm here, if you'll still- still have me. If I'm still yours."
The waterworks were unavoidable. "Yeah." (Y/N) breathed out, his nods quickening into rapid movements. "Yeah, yeah, of course. God, you idiot, of course."
Liam lunged at him, his strong arms wrapping around his midsection and squeezing him tight to his chest, the force nearly knocking them over.
(Y/N) laughed airily, sliding his arms around Liam's shoulders, his fingers crinkling the fabric of his dark green shirt when he clutched onto him tightly. His head tilted back, letting Liam bury his face in the nape of his neck and inhale like a man needing oxygen.
"I'm not the Liam you fell in love with all those years ago, (Y/N)," Liam whispered into his neck, his voice shaking. "I'm not that boy anymore."
"Look at me."
(Y/N) grasped his shoulders to push him back, as far as Liam was willing to go without creating distance between their bodies. He raised his hands to his reddening cheeks, dragging his thumbs over his cheekbones and collecting the few tears that slipped from the corners of his eyes.
"You're still my Liam, with the good and the ugly. Just... don't hide from me."
Liam sniffled and weakly nodded, squeezing his eyes shut to get the last few years out. "I love you."
He surged forward again, claiming (Y/N)'s mouth this time, his hands pressing him closer and closer, trying to erase any space between them. They slipped beneath his shirt, calloused and rough from hard work, running along the skin of his back to reacquaint himself with his body.
(Y/N) pulled away, feeling his shirt drag along his body when Liam peeled it off him. "How'd you get into my house, exactly?" He asked, a little breathless and faintly disoriented, when Liam took his hand to lead him to the bedroom.
Liam grinned over his shoulder at him. "The spare key is always beneath the mat, baby. You haven't changed your habits."
(Y/N) flushed, the faint pout on his lips being kissed away when Liam brought him close again. "Are you saying I'm predictable?"
"I'm saying you're still the same guy I fell for back when we were two ambitious kids running around the block." Liam cooed, his hands massaging into his exposed hips. "You're still my (Y/N)."
"All yours, Li." (Y/N) leaned in, pressing his forehead to Liam's and soaking him in. His boyfriend was finally home, in his arms, safe and sound. "Always."
Nothing was more fun than clocking Sullivan in his second scene and watching him try to hide his queerness untill Episode 5. He could have tried a little harder to pretend he wasn't just staying to protect and teach the only queer person he was in charge of. He was such a king and my favorite character. It was hard to watch him fall apart, and honestly his later scenes just broke me. He deserved better.
