Hey. How’s everybody doing? It’s been a while and I gotta say that I’ve been missing this platform so much. Too much actually.
Today, gather you folks my (probably) non-existent followers here to announce that I am.................not having a baby. LOL. Yea, that picture attached above? I just had a sonogram because I’m getting excessive bleeding apart from my menstruation. That sucks.
So, just like any other health problems that I suffered usually, it derives from two things: stress and lack of exercise.
To my defense, UM WHO ON EARTH HAVE TIME FOR TIME FOR EXERCISING IN THIS FAST PACE WORLD? Everyone but me, probably. I just....of all the things I can give up to make room for my acclaimed packed schedules, it just had to be exercise. I don’t know why I have to be so hesitant about investing my time to exercise. It has been decided unilaterally by me that it’s just not my thing, and yet most of my health issues derived from that. My bad.
The second thing, which didn’t catch me off guard, is the stress. I mean, the majority of my problems are probably derived from that. Well, who wouldn’t with the current situation of my life right now. As much as I want to be grateful and positive, it is a mess.
I’ve been working at the law firm that i am in currently for a year now. And I can tell you, I am stressed out. It might not the busiest law firm on the block, but it has pressure just as much. And to me, it’s not worth it. Not when you’re just a junior level but being trusted to handle a big project which you or anyone else involved are lack of experiences to that. Not when you handle a project which the counterpart themselves are not cooperative and you are left confused over every single thing. Not when you are given a task, which you have no experience at all, and your work considered a presentable piece and you were blamed when it’s not. I can list down the whole things that went wrong with what I consider as my occupation. I don’t blame the institution for being a newly established firm, everybody has to start somewehere anyway. But the confusing system and the unclear command are what make it seems irrelevant. I am tired. First few months were okay, but after a year it exhausts me. I blame how greedy I was for being employed just because my other friends already did. This is what I always feared of: not enjoying what I am doing. And now it happens. Not all the blames shall be credited to the said firm. My lack of passion in doing my job has also playing the biggest role to that. I am thinking of resigning and even told my mom about that. But the fear of being unemployed has haunted me ever since I decided to do so. But staying there also not the best option. In short, either way I’m screwed.
The family situation is also not really in the best condition. Well, it usually isn’t anyway. My parents are not the people who will got my back immediately before being a judgemntal people. Yes, as much as i am grateful to have them, they’re not the best people to live with. If I bound to some kind of problems, difficulties, or failure in my life, they’re the ones who will put the blame on me instead of asking, “what happened?”. They will be accusing me of a long list of why I encountered problems like, “This is because you missed praying”, “This is because you hang out too much.”, “This is because you are this or that...”. Some are make sense, some are irrelevant. Like today, when the doctor gave me verdict that my bleeding was caused by stress and PROBABLY lack of exercise, you know what my mom said (yes, this is not interrogative sentence). “It’s because you sleep all the time.” How did I sleeping all the time when I work from 8-5 and yes I took time to sleep more on the weekend because I got lack of sleep on weekdays? And for a woman who had experienced a kid with autism sympton, doesn’t she aware that depression leads a person to get more sleep? She doesn’t even questioning on why I feel stressed. Oh, she really doesn’t have to when being in the family itself is the cause of my stress. Not to mention, when explained to my dad that the probability I always failed to get employed by big companies were due to my personal quality resulted from psychological tests. And he said, “Keep trying!”. Yes, and what if I got fired afterwards? What if they found something wrong with me? WHAT IF I WAS A PSYCHO? Ya Allah...how am i going to resign after this?
I don’t know what phase in my life I am going through right now, but it’s tough man. They said, do not search for happiness. Make one. And I did. But it didn’t last long. Deep down I always know that the only source of happiness is God, but He also capable of turn everything upside down. So I don’t know what to do. When I’m happy, I also afraid it will be taken away. When I’m sad, I work so hard looking for happiness. It’s an endless cycle and it drained me out.
Well, I feel bad for sharing such negative writing because it spreads negative vibe too. But writing has always been my kind of stress reliever and I couldn’t stop ask myself why did I stop doing so these past year. In addition, with the smaller friends circle and having almost nobody to talk to except Allah SWT, I guess this is a good way to start over again. So, thank you tumblr for always being my space.
And for whoever out there who experience the same problems as I do, I hope you find strength. Adios.
