#lithium er

[lamotriginerash]

I like my brain better on Lithium (I can think clearer, daydream more vividly, I'm less obsessive, more hopeful for the future, surprisingly more creative) but I think it also might've been what was making me so depressed? Not the kinda depressed where you're hopeless and want to die, but the kind where you don't really feel anything specific and you can't get out of bed.

Plus it's fucked up my skin so badly and my hair dried up and thinned out and, once I get close to my period, my eyelashes start falling out.

But still I'm tempted to start taking it again because I hate my brain right now and hate that I'm relying more on Klonopin to not feel so fucking awful.

But I also want my perfect clear skin and my lashes back. I mean meds have already made me fat, do they have to give me acne and take my hair too? And there's body acne. I've never had to deal with this before in my life. It's fucking stupid. Just fix my brain and leave everything else alone!

Minus taking Klonopin as needed, I'm currently unmedicated and I feel like I'm just... kinda there. I'm just non-functional and anxious. I don't like it.

Obviously I plan on going back to Lamictal (I called it my "miracle drug" for a reason), but there's something Lithium does for my brain that Lamictal and other meds can't do and I want to keep it.

But, apparently, I can't.

[lamotriginerash]

I miss what Lithium did for my brain but I think the effect wasn't actually supposed to happen?

Because it's a weird sort of almost depressed feeling... but it felt good? Sometimes depression feels good. I don't see a lot of people talk about that. There's a calmness to the misery.

Probably because you end up so fucking fatigued jfc I spent all of last month in bed.

But my thinking was clearer and I was more creative. And now that I'm starting back on Lamictal, I've noticed I'm losing that again. I don't want to be that stereotype of a mentally ill person who's only super creative when they're depressed and keeps going off their meds because of it.

But then because I get so miserable, the creativity doesn't matter much because I don't do anything with it. I can't really function, not even with Adderall.

I also don't think Lithium is supposed to increase sex drive... but I think that's probably tied in with it also causing me to get hella oily skin, acne, folliculitis, and have my hair start falling out. AKA: (probably) a hormonal issue.

Anyway, I'm still depressed but now also less creative, and I can't really imagine a future for myself anymore, and I'm kinda ready to just give up on my life altogether. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[lamotriginerash]

Well, I had my appointment today and I'm back on Lamictal and Adderall XR, along with the Lithium. So, the original trio is back in action.

[lamotriginerash]

Ok so after looking at pictures of myself from last year and the year before and seeing how clear and healthy my skin was and how much more hair I had I've decided I definitely can not go back to Lithium (even though I kinda really want to)

[lamotriginerash]

I'm finally coming out of this month long depressive episode and functioning again, but I'm gonna have to give that up because Lithium is destroying my skin, keeping me dehydrated (Adderall obviously doesn't help that either), and I toss and turn even more at night when I'm on it. Like I literally can not get comfortable.

Or maybe I can give antipsychotics another shot. MAYBE.