Should I Change My Surname?
I ask this as the most single person alive, but hear me out…
Earlier this year, I listened to a Women at Work podcast episode titled, ‘Should I Change My Last Name?’ and even though months have passed, I still think about it. As the most single person alive, I didn’t expect the episode to linger in my mind the way it has lol.
The conversation explored why women decide to change their surnames after marriage or why they choose not to. They broke down the history, the expectations, and the stats - how education, career, and geography shape something as personal as your surname. The data is American, but still fascinating, and it made me wonder how this looks in South Africa.
Because here’s my reality: whenever I’ve mentioned to friends or family that I’d like to keep my surname when I marry, the reaction (especially from men) is almost predictable:
“Then what’s the point of lobola?”
And honestly… I don’t know.
You tell me.
If we all agree that lobola isn’t “buying” a woman, then why does my surname become a marker of whether the marriage is serious or legitimate? Why does it matter so much?
Culture and religion are supposed to serve us, not restrict us. They shouldn’t require us to shrink who we are to fit traditions that refuse to evolve. So if keeping my surname doesn’t take anything away from the love, the union, the commitment, or the respect… what exactly is the threat?
The truth is: I’ve had this name my whole life. It carries my identity, my story, my sense of self. I honestly can’t imagine letting it go. The only silly exception? If my future spouse’s surname happens to blend beautifully with mine and makes the whole thing sound cooler or elevated - I might, might consider it. Otherwise, I’m keeping what I’ve always been called.
Listening to that podcast months ago showed me just how universal this tension is. It sits at the intersection of identity, autonomy, patriarchy, tradition, and belonging. And it made me curious about what the stats look like here at home, where culture and modernity are constantly negotiating with each other.
Here’s the episode if you want to dive in:
Would you change your surname after marriage? Why or why not? Whether you’re married, single, younger, older - I’m genuinely curious about your thoughts. What does a surname represent to you? And how do you think traditions like lobola should evolve in the relationships we’re building today?
