Friday, October 05, 2018
I’m afraid of falling in love. I’m afraid to commit myself to another person and that’s terrible and sad at the same time.
While I was waiting for him to arrive home yesterday, I had a busy night of looking through our old conversation. I was looking for a particular message - his message sharing the names of his exes and as a curious one, I was able to find it and successfully found his former girlfriend on Facebook. While scrolling through her posts, I saw that he still interacts with her but it was totally okay for me until I saw a post of his ex-girlfriend asking her Facebook friends how does she show jealousy and there he was, my person dropped a GIF depicting how. Something like that and that’s it, I felt like I was betrayed and at the same time, hurt.
I’m not the jealous type of person but I always want transparency between a human being and of course, I talked to him about it and he was totally open about the idea of discussing it which made me admire him. He even told me that he never lied to me so far and I’m hoping that it would stay that way.
However, when he was already opening up to me regarding his past relationship, I can’t deny that I felt like backing out and had the urge of pushing him away which is something I’m good at. Fortunately, it went well. He told me that it was already the past and he’s happy for the present because of me. Although a bit sad for he can’t provide much time for me due to the distance and how busy we all are in our day-to-day lives but it wasn’t a huge problem for me because so long as we communicate each other, no matter how brief or long it could be, then, everything is fine with me.
Just this morning it hit me that I am afraid to fall in love. I talk to guys who are older than me and some who are the same age as mine but I haven’t experienced falling in love for a very long time until L came. I still have my walls up but it’s not the same on how high my walls are to him and with other guys. Is it because I like him that’s why my walls aren’t that high compared to the actual walls I built to protect myself?
Everything is still a blur to me but one thing is for sure, talking to him always puts a smile on my face and warms my heart. It seems like we aren’t really that far from each other.