It’s been a while and things are still stagnant (yes, even after the mcat) but it’s not bad(?)
I’ve been doodling and have gotten back to working out. It makes me feel happy. I do still have a lot of course to cover and few more exams but I’ve decided that these dumb exams will never end and I’m gonna do what I want while attempting to manage some more chemistry and physics ew
Balance is key. Unfortunately, I get carried away with the “treat yo self” and self care and eventually just stay in bed all day. Balance is hard to attain. I’ll learn some day.
Nothing too brilliant has happened, to be honest. I just have a lot of people worried about my health. My father probably is worried most since he’s not here these days. He’ll be home soon though. Nothing is wrong with my health, I just don’t respond to stress like this too well, especially since I’m also isolating myself these days. Over a few short years I have found that “me time” is very helpful, but there is a difference between it and isolation. I don’t think it suits people for very long. I am pretty introverted (contrary to what a surprising amount of people would think) and so it’s pretty easy for me to just vegetate on my bed. But I really need to get out. I don’t really have anyone to talk to right now. I say right now because the people i usually talk to are either extremely busy, in different time zones, dealing with new shit and settling into their colleges, and of course because I don’t know what to say, it’s hard to make my thoughts coherent without knowing what i want. It’s okay to not have a big dream though. Why can’t we just want the small things, too? Small is also significant.
Dax found himself once more pulling up to the Berry residence and going to knock at the door. He's in his pajama pants and favorite t-shirt, ready for a night of being comfortable and watching movies. Once again, Micah answered the door and the two talked a bit before Micah ran upstairs to get his sister. "Dax is here again, Rachel. Is he your boyfriend?"
RACHEL
Rachel was finishing up washing her face when she hears her door open. “He’s not my boyfriend. He’s just my friend and we’re going to watch West Side Story. If you’d like to join us. I can’t imagine dad and daddy will let us in here alone.” She shrugs, standing and reaching for his hand. “I’m sorry you’re in trouble because of me.”
DAX
"Oh.. Well, I ship it." Micah pops a chocolate covered almond into his mouth and makes sure he's swallowed before speaking again. "Look, you're not watching West Side Story on this dinky tv." He takes her hand. "I set up the basement and set the pull out couch up so you guys can be comfortable and watch it on the big projector screen. I'm not in trouble because of you. I'm in trouble because I threatened to kick a guy's butt."
RACHEL
Rachel can’t help but smile, not that she sees herself with anyone these days. There had been a point in time where she had her wedding planned down to the flower but things had changed. “Aren’t you planning on using that set up for yourself?” She moves in to hug him. “What if you had gotten hurt? I’m not worth that.”
DAX
"Not until tomorrow. Besides, it's not like anyone's going to come over anyway." Micah shrugs. "I would have gladly gotten hurt for you. You're my little sister and you're worth the world to me."
RACHEL
Rachel shakes her head, “That isn’t true! I bet Cat will come and if you invite Jesse and James and Dave.” She hugs him a little tighter. “Come on. We shouldn’t have left him alone down there.”
DAX
"I did invite Cat, but she did see what happened so I don't know if she's scared or not. Jesse might, but Dave might be spending time with Blaine. I don't want to get in the way." He pulls away. "Dax is fine, unless you think dads are questioning him."
RACHEL
“Scared of you? Something tells me if she felt threatened she’d beat them with her field hockey stick.” She giggles. “You just need to ask. I should be here. So long as the movies aren’t too scary.” Rachel leads Micah out of her room. “They’re still in the den.” She says with relief, hearing both of their voices behind the closed door.
DAX
"Yeah. I don't think I have exploded like that since I was like nine." He shrugs and follows. "I was thinking more kind of not scary, but kind of funny? They're probably still discussing how long I'm going to be grounded."
RACHEL
She sighs, “I’m sorry, but it is better than you running away.” Rachel nods at his suggestions. “I’d get the opinions of others. I just know I don’t really like scary.” Rachel moves down the stairs, spotting Dax and then smiling. “Make yourself at home in the living room. I’ll be right back.” She quietly makes her way back up the stairs and puts her ear to the den door, listening.
DAX
"Yeah, I don't want to get into another situation where I'm hooking up with a guy who says he loves me but didn't mean it again." Micah nods, following her downstairs. After Dax waves and nods, Micah leads him into the basement so he can get comfortable.
RACHEL
Rachel just nods, unsure on what to say in response. She’s not sure there is anything she can say. Rachel listens to their dads talk about how problematic it is Micah is getting in trouble so close to senior year, how it’s clear their children are acting now, they’re not sure what to do. Rachel wants to scream that maybe they should work normal jobs like most people but instead she runs off and down to the basement. “All good down here?” Rachel asks softly.
DAX
Micah looks up from the chips and to his sister. He wonders what their dads have been talking about in the den for so long. "Yeah. I've got the movie just about set up, and I'll leave the two of you alone when it does. I'll just leave the door open so dads don't get all bent out of shape." Dax smiles at Rachel. "You look pretty tonight. I brought you an edible arrangement thing."(edited)
RACHEL
Rachel smiles at her brother, hugging him tightly and mumbling an “I’ll text you,” in his ear before taking a seat beside Dax. She giggles at his compliment. “Oh, those things are so but expensive. You shouldn’t have.” Rachel takes a look over him and nods in approval. “You look cute too.”
DAX
"Okay." He hugs her tightly before going back to working on the projector. Once the movie is finally playing, Micah heads up to his room, leaving the door open as promised. Dax grinned. "And? It's worth it to see the smile on your face. Well, thanks. Only my comfiest threads."
RACHEL
Rachel waves at Micah as he leaves them and Rachel easily finds herself curling up next to Dax. “They look comfy and feel soft. You chose right I do believe.” She flashes him a smile as the long introduction begins for the movies. “It’s the longest in history I think.”June 27, 2018
DAX
"I'm glad I chose right." He puts an arm around Rachel easily. "It is, I think. Does your brother always leave you alone with boys in the basement?"
RACHEL
Rachel laughs, “I tried inviting him to stay but he says he ships us and wanted us to have privacy. Or that is what it seems like.” She shrugs. “I’ve never really had a boy over like this before and our dads are home. You don’t need to tell your parents that though.”
DAX
"He ships us? Has he been spending way too much time with James St. James?" Dax laughs. "But I can totally see where he's coming from. Doesn't want to get in the way or anything, though I don't think I could do anything with the risk of your dads coming in."
RACHEL
“He has been spending more time with him lately. More time than me even.” She sighs, but lays against him, eyeing the movie. “I’m not sure explaining that sounds fun but it doesn’t stop me from wanting you.”
DAX
"I'm glad he has good friends, though. Maybe try setting aside some planned sibling time. Sometimes I do that with Cat." He muses while keeping his eyes on the movie. "We'd have to be quiet."
RACHEL
“That’s a good idea. I’m not so good at that lately.” Rachel admits sadly. She sings along to the movie, moving a bit in her seat. “We would or.” She giggles, “you would have to be quiet.”
DAX
"He will love it. He seems to love you very much." Dax rested his head on her shoulder. "That's true."
RACHEL
“He does. I’m lucky.” She reaches for his hand. “I don’t show him how much I appreciate him nearly as much as I should.”
DAX
"You should show him. Especially after today." Dax muses.
RACHEL
“You’re probably right.” Rachel nods, feeling badly about it all. “And I should show you, too, how much you’re appreciated.”
DAX
"No need to show me unless you want to. I already know." Dax kisses her cheek softly.
RACHEL
“Haven’t you learned by now? Lately /that/ is all I know.”
DAX
"I'm sure /that's/ not all you know. You're more than just that."
RACHEL
“It’s interesting that I’ve only ever had one boy interested in me until sex was on the table.” She shrugs, knowing deep down he’s right, but she is trying so hard to make sex something she doesn’t fear. It’s definitely gotten out of control.
DAX
"Well, those other boys are probably just controlled by their hormones. It's okay to like it. Just I'm interested in you for more than your slammin' body. I like your mind and your passion, too. And you're so smart and kind." Dax smiles. "I want sex to be something you enjoy and not something you're obligated to give to someone."
RACHEL
“I don’t give any of you the chance to like anything more.” Even as she says this, her hand moves to his thigh. “You’re too kind to me. You’re too blinded.”
DAX
"I'm not blinded. I just like you totally. For you." Dax blushes.
RACHEL
“I’m not sure how much I can believe that, even if I want to Dax.”
DAX
"Just.. give me a chance to prove it. I promise you it's true."
RACHEL
“Why...” Rachel sighs. “It doesn’t matter. Let’s just watch the movie.”
DAX
"Because...." Dax shuts up as he thinks he has done something wrong. "Okay."
RACHEL
Rachel leans back into him, eyes focused on the movie. She feels worked up and can’t explain why. He hadn’t done anything wrong and if she says what she wants to he might take it that way.
DAX
Dax wraps an arm around her and gently rubs her shoulder to try and make her feel better. His mind is racing, and though it looks like he is paying attention to the movie, he isn't.
RACHEL
She lays her head on his chest, listening to his heart beat. It doesn’t feel as cozy anymore and it is her own doing. “Do you want a blanket?”
DAX
"Please." He looks over from the movie and smiles at her. He likes that she's listening to his heart. It calms him.
RACHEL
Rachel nods, moving off the couch to grab one. She sets it over their laps and goes back to her position before she’d moved. This time though her hand goes back to his thigh, rubbing small circles.
DAX
Dax stroked her hair gently and looks down when he feels his thigh being rubbed. He gives her a small grin and continues to stroke her hair.
RACHEL
“This is my favorite part of the movie.” Rachel tells him as they all prepare for the rumble, Anita getting sexy, the boys preparing to get tough.
DAX
"It's intense. It's my favorite part, too." Dax grins at her, thoroughly enjoying watching the movie.
RACHEL
“As much as I want to play Maria. I like the role of Anita a lot. I think it would be a nice challenge with all the dancing and...all that.”
DAX
"If the school would actually let us do West Side Story, I'd actually audition for once." He laughs.
RACHEL
“Would you? As who?” Rachel grins, “I’ve pictured Blaine and I as Tony and Maria for so long!”
DAX
"Well, I would have tried for Tony, but if you already have a leading man in mind.. I guess I could be a Shark."
RACHEL
Rachel pouts, “it’s not up to me to decide! You could definitely try out for Tony.”
DAX
"I can't act, though. But I can at least speak Spanish." He shrugs.
RACHEL
“Have you ever acted before? How do you know if you haven’t tried?” She smiles softly at his admission, “that’s really amazing. I like Spanish. Why are you fluent? Is Cat and Kitty as well?”
DAX
"I haven't tried to act before outside of church vbs dramas when I was a kid because I was forced to, but that doesn't count." Dax shrugs. "When I found out why I was different from my sisters, I wanted to learn as much as I could about who I really was."
RACHEL
Rachel nods her head, not understanding in the way that she’d been through something similar but it all made sense. “I’m glad you have something to bring your closer to your past.” Rachel says with a sad smile.
DAX
"Yeah." Dax nods with a sad smile, deciding not to tell her about what happened with his birth mother. They weren't even dating yet, or if ever. He had decided that was information for anyone who would end up with him.
RACHEL
“I’m sorry if I crossed a boundary.” She sighs, eyes moving back to the movie as the rumble takes place. Rachel moving in closer, as if for protection. “And then he has to go off and die in the end.” Rachel sighs
DAX
"You didn't, actually. I don't mind sharing that. Being adopted is not something that bothers me. At least my adopted parents actually wanted me." He blurts out as he wraps his arms around her. "Yeah. It's.. tragic about him."
RACHEL
“Yeah, they did. You’re lucky. I’m glad you have a good family now.” She laces their fingers. “I’m sorry about...your real parents not wanting you.”
DAX
"It's not your fault. They were probably young, or I was just too much for them. I dunno. I was a baby when my parents adopted me. What's messed up is I met my birth mother. She had the audacity to straight up tell me I wasn't wanted." He finally admitted, holding back tears. Dax didn't know why he was being so open with her.June 28, 2018
RACHEL
Rachel’s eyes widen. “She’s a selfish woman Dax. It’s not true. You’re so wanted. By your sisters and your parents and...by me. Who cares what that hellish woman has to say.” Of course it’s not that simple. She wanted approval from her own birth mother and she’s not even adopted. “I’m sorry Dax. Let me make it better.”
DAX
"I know that about my family. I was chosen out of all the babies in the country." He smiles a little, grin widening a bit as she mentions being wanted by her. "I want you, too. More than anything. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Not just /that/, but all of you."
RACHEL
“That’s kind of incredible to think about. You need to remember that whenever you feel down.” She moves to kiss him deeply because it’s all she has. Rachel knows she’s unable to give all of herself too him. She’s too scared right now.
DAX
Dax's heart races at the deep kiss. He can feel the passion in the pit of his stomach burning, and thinks nothing of kissing her back just as deeply. He pulls away after a moment. "Wow."
RACHEL
“That’s all I can give you right now. Of me. That isn’t /that/.” She whispers, cupping his face before turning her attention to the movie again. Her heart racing at the scene before them.
DAX
"That's okay. I'll accept that." He whispers, his cheeks a bright red while his attention was pulled back to the scene. Dax gently takes her hand.
RACHEL
“I need to go get water.” Rachel says quickly, feeling her chest starting to get right as the jets surrounded Anita. “Do you need anything?” She’s already up off the couch as she’s asking him.
DAX
"Water is good, yeah. Hey, you okay?" He asks, turning toward her.
RACHEL
“Fine. I’m fine.” Rachel managed a small smile before rushing up the stairs. “Micah?” She says a little louder than she means to. Her hands shaking a bit as she grabs two glasses,
DAX
"O-okay." Dax's eyes dart around the room, wondering what could have caused such a reaction. "Yeah?" Micah is already halfway down the stairs before the second syllable of his name is uttered. He runs into the kitchen to his sister, dressed in a raccoon Kigurumi. "What is it?"
RACHEL
Rachel can’t help but giggle, despite her panic. “The movie. I just forgot.” She takes a breath. “Did I text you what dads said?”
DAX
"Oh. That scene. I haven't seen it in so long. I'm sorry I forgot, too." He moves toward her to hug her. "You didn't, but I can only imagine."
RACHEL
Rachel wraps her arms around him tightly. “It isn’t even the same. It wasn’t like that. I just...why do bad things happen Micah?” She squeezes him. “They said it’s bad you’re getting in trouble so close to being a senior and that we are acting out and they don’t know what to do.”
DAX
"Because life is really rude and unfair sometimes." Micah kisses the top of her head. "They do realize that this is the first time in a very long time I've done this, and it's not like I actually beat the kid up. Maybe if they actually spent more time with us?"
RACHEL
“That is what I thought too.” Rachel whispers, “but they just want...They want us to have everything we need to be successful.” She sighed. “Do you think I’ll ever be normal again?”
DAX
"I know, but maybe if they got to know us a little better." He whispers with a shrug. "I think you will be, but I know it will take some time."
RACHEL
“I love you so much Micah.” She kisses his cheek. “I need to bring he water back down.”
DAX
"I love you, too." He smiles at her. "Maybe if things go well, Dax can join James and me to help you through?"
RACHEL
“James doesn’t really know. I don’t.” She chews her bottom lip. “I don’t want him to hate me.”
DAX
"I don't think he'll hate you. I see the way Dax looks at you. It's kind of comforting to see."
RACHEL
“And then he’s going to know that I’m not. I just think sex is what I need. And he’s going to hate me. He’s going to think different. James too. He thinks I’m strong and I’m not. I never was.” She feels bad for thinking so low of them when they’ve proven differently but it was easy to project her feelings onto them.
DAX
"Neither of them are going to hate you. I don't. And i know damn well James won't." Micah reassures her. "You don't have to tell him now. Just if you two get close enough to date."
RACHEL
Rachel shakes her head. “He’s not going to date me. No one is going to date me.” Rachel grabs up the waters and starts towards the basement. “I’m closing the door.”
DAX
Micah's reassuring smile fell. He didn't know how to reach out to her. "Oh.. okay." He heads back upstairs
RACHEL
Rachel makes her way back down the stairs, thankful the movie had moved to the end credits. “Hi. Your water.” She laughs, handing it to him.
DAX
"Thank you." Dax takes the glass and contently sips at the water. "I heard you calling for Micah. Was everything okay up there?"
RACHEL
“Yes. I just had to tell him about our dads before I forgot.” Rachel whispers. “Everything okay down here?”
DAX
"Oh. Yeah, everything is fine. I was just more worried about you and Micah."
RACHEL
“We’re fine. I think.” Rachel takes the water from him when he stops drinking and sets it aside. “Can we make out?”
DAX
Dax's eyes widen a bit before he finally settles enough to nod. "Yeah. Sorry. Not used to being asked if i want to make out yet."
RACHEL
“We don’t need to.” Rachel giggles
DAX
"If you want to, I'm down." He shrugs.
RACHEL
Rachel shakes her head. “It’s okay. We can just, watch another movie, or sit here in one another’s company.”
DAX
"Up to you. I don't mind either one." Dax smiles at her.
RACHEL
Rachel brings the blanket back over their legs and lays her head on his chest. “Hi. Sorry about that. You’re comfy.”
DAX
"It's okay. I'm just happy to be spending time with you." Dax kisses her cheek before moving to stroke her hair. "So, did you have anything else you wanted to know about me since I shared my deepest darkest secret?"
RACHEL
“I have a lot of things I want to know. Is there anything you want to know about me?” She blushes at the kiss to her cheek. “Tickles.” She laughs
DAX
"What makes Rachel Berry tick?" He tilted his head. "Yeah, that's because I forgot to shave." Dax laughs.
RACHEL
“What makes me tick? That’s a hard question... I don’t like being judged or picked on. I don’t like feeling out of control. I hate the harm of animals. I don’t like all the hatefulness in the world. People being mean to my brother.”
DAX
"That's honestly understandable. I don't think anyone likes being judged or picked on. Anyone who harms an animal is a monster in my book. Same, and same with my sisters."
RACHEL
Rachel smiles at him, feeling that he means his words. “I’ve spent a long time trying justify why I am who I am and I shouldn’t have to. Nobody should.”
DAX
"Exactly. I like that, honestly. It's actually why I quit trying to fit in."
RACHEL
“You’re really brave for that I think.”
DAX
"You think so?" He can't help but to smile. "I think you're brave, too. You don't care what they think. You're Rachel Berry. That's one of the reasons I like you so much."
RACHEL
“I do though. That’s the thing. I won’t change because...because performing is all I know but I bet things would be easier. Maybe if I wasn’t so into theater and my future certain things would not have happened.”
DAX
"Oh. You don't have to tell me what happened, but if you ever get to that point; I'm here." Dax holds her hand. "You can't get rid of me that easily."
RACHEL
“I wasn’t. I mean. It’s nothing. I can’t change the past so I just need to focus on the now.” She leans up and kisses him deeply.
DAX
"That's tr-" Dax finds himself cut off by the deep kiss, and leans in to deepen it further.June 29, 2018
RACHEL
Rachel smiles against the kiss, hand cupping his cheek as she brings him in closer.
DAX
Dax lets himsef be moved closer and chuckles into the kiss
RACHEL
“I like kissing you.” Rachel says softly when she pulls away.
DAX
"I like being kissed." He smirks.
RACHEL
“You’re really great. Did you know that? And I’m glad that I can give you something you like.”
DAX
"I'm not that great. The golden boy of McKinley is the great one." He laughs.
RACHEL
“Finn?” Rachel scrunches her nose up. “I don’t think so. You’re so great and I love being in your company.”
DAX
"Not Finn. I know I'm not in competition with Finn. Different golden boy." he shrugs. "I love being in your company, too."(edited)June 30, 2018
RACHEL
“In competition?” Rachel raises an eyebrow. “Why are you competing and for what Dax? Is it worth the stress!"
DAX
"Umm valedictorian. With a guy. It kinda is." He shrugged. "Also for you."
RACHEL
Rachel feels confused because she’s not sure what she and valedictorian have in common. “I’m not worth competing for...and I don’t think there is any competition.”
DAX
"I think you are definitely worth fighting for." Dax smiles at her.
RACHEL
“I’m getting tired.” Rachel whispers, not a complete lie- just this talk that will make her hurt him because she disagrees is too much.
DAX
"Oh. Okay. I can go home if you want." Dax rubs the back of his head. He's certain he's done something wrong.
RACHEL
“I’m really sorry.” She stands up. “I should just go to bed. It’s a little late and I need my beauty sleep.” Rachel jokes.
DAX
"It's okay. And you don't need beauty sleep. You're already the most beautiful girl i've ever met." He leans over and kisses her cheek. "Goodnight."
RACHEL
“Goodnight Dax. I’ll walk you to the door.” She smiles, and once everything is shut off she leads him up the stairs and to the door. “Can I hug you goodnight?”
DAX
"Of course you can hug me." He smiles and holds his arms out.
RACHEL
Rachel hugs him tightly and leans up to kiss his cheek. “Just message me when you get home so I know you made it safe, okay?”
DAX
"I will." He hugs her and lets go, waving as he headed toward the car.
