Monday 8/12/19
Today “living the life of a 20 year old” had taken its toll and it’s obvious I’m closing in on 40. But I smile as I write this because it’s been absolutely a wonderful time. Yes me who’s spent months on end in almost seclusion from anything less than absolutely necessary has been going full blast since Friday morning. I’ve been almost non stop social and I don’t wanna kill my self lol. On the contrary I’m like bitch get your life together. I hope this mood can carry on once everything goes back to normal. Oh I just remembered school is almost in and that is always the start of my “seasonal” depression. Unfortunately I’ve been in serious depression I think for a good while now. But it just gets sad at this time.
Anyways something absolutely wonderful happened today. For some reason when I woke up this morning and was looking on ig and Facebook and on messenger for fb D shows up online, first person. If he’s online he’s always within the first few people. Even though we hadn’t talked on Facebook since like December. We’d used primarily kik after that because I didn’t want to be on Facebook.
So anyways I bounced over to Instagram and D’s page. Even though I usually don’t wanna see it. But I did today. And I seen he had posted very little since the last time I looked which was probably two months ago or so. I also noticed he had a story posted. One time previously, maybe a month and a half into him no longer talking to me I watched his story. I wondered if he’d ever watch mine or like something or idk just react in some sort of way. But he didn’t. For some reason... maybe because in 3 days it will be a year ago I went to see him. 4 days since we met and shared a little under 72 hours together. We slept in the same bed. Of course we had sex many times. We conversed, we laughed, we shared intimate and personal stories. We got choked up with some of our stories. We shared wine and alcohol and weed gummies. We went to eat at restaurants and we were addressed as a couple many times. Damn I smile just thinking about how much I absolutely adored him in person even MORE than I did through messages. His smile is oh my god. He’s a deep thinker. He has a lot of morals and he has serious empathy. We are much alike in those ways and maybe that’s why we got along so well. He was delicate with me. He was never mean we never even fought. There was maybe once or twice we got short with each other but we always apologized and were understanding of each other. Like one time his phone had broke and I didn’t hear from him much because of it. He would message me from the work computer and his moms tablet if he could get it from her and the WiFi worked decently. After a couple days I’d met up and drank with my friends (sounds like something guys always do) and they had me thinking maybe he was just with his wife or with somebody else or he was lying to me. And ya know I’ve been lied to so much like that especially my ex husband omg he was terrible. And so I made some remark about hopefully his phone really is broke and he was upset and he was like it is and I feel bad I have a negative balance in my account so I can’t get a new one yet. And then I felt bad for doubting him. And a little later he used the computer camera to take a pic of his phone in his hand all cracked to shit. I again felt bad and apologized and told him why I started doubting and he just said he wasn’t mad and he understood how when you’re into someone and you go awhile without talking to them it can make you trip and doubt stuff. Yes the fuck it can.
I realize I wrote a novel to tell you that I watched his story. I can’t even remember what the story was about. But I knew he would see that. I don’t know why. Well yes I do because I’m still crazy about him and love him and miss him. But I knew I more than likely would not get a response or anything from him.
I decided to post a story too. Like well maybe if I watch his and he sees my name he will watch mine too. Maybe just maybe. I didn’t even really have anything to post so I posted a video of the dog and my son at the dog park. It’s like a month old. But who cares.
I kept checking it through out the day and later in the afternoon I look and there it was!!! His name!!!!!!!!! He watched my story!!!!!!! And you KNOW if he watched my story he looked at my page. I mean idk if you knew how much he loved my pictures of me and the pics I took it seemed hard to believe he would never look at my page. But there was never any evidence of this. I always wished he’d do something I’d notice. I have posted several memes and even a song that is directed at him. I wonder if he even knows. If he still cares for me I’m sure he knows.
But I felt he must care. He watched the whole thing and it technically was two videos cause it was too long. If it was an accident maybe he wouldn’t have watched both.
It just made my day. Damn I wish he would talk to me but I’ll take this. I wonder if he noticed that I lost weight and if he likes it. I miss his face. There are no new pics of him.
Yesterday was an awesome day as we did Lena’s bbq. I wasn’t exactly sure if many people were going to show up. I was kinda disorganized and that sucked but it was also like fuck I have had a lot on my plate the last several days.
I had roughly planned out how I thought the day would work out. But people were being so slow and added to things we needed to do. In the end I didn’t even get enough time to finish the jalepeno poppers I was making. I was happy Lena is staying more days (leaving Tuesday and not Monday) so I’ve had to buy a lot of food. Also I wanted to make sure to contribute to the bbq but not spend too much.
I didn’t even think about reserving the spot or having someone stake it out. Caleb and Alejandro showed up on time and there was almost no spots. But then they found one. It was supposed to start at 2 but I didn’t leave the house until 220. I was cooking until 110 and Lena needed to cook hers right after I was done and close to when we needed to leave. I wanted to do my makeup and hair and I wasn’t trying to not do that. I knew everyone was gonna be taking pics and I wanted to look good. I was annoyed because it took me longer to make food than I wanted because nobody helped. I’ve been the only one to do the dishes the whole entire time. Now usually I consider people guest in my home and I would not even expect people to do this that are guest. But because they were staying many days and I had to do a lot of things on top of making sure we had food and we had good times and everyone had a place to sleep and we went to see things they’d never seen. But I also had to get my pics to the fair which was close to an hour drive there and back. I had to go grocery shopping several times for home food and then later for the bbq. I had to organize the bbq. I had my reunion. I needed to finish that outfit. So yeah I could have really used some help. But whatever.
We got there like 230 but there was like no where to park. So we unloaded from the road and Lena found a spot not too far from where we were at. I still had to go get Jayla because she’s almost entirely paralyzed from the waist down now from the MS. My boss carried her power chair in her van but she needs to use this transfer board and my bosses van is too high but my car is low so it works perfectly said my boss. And she was right. We got her in pretty easily. Well technically they did because her daughter and my boss did almost everything. They knew the routine so I only assisted when Jayla’s legs were not all the way in to close the door. I learned awhile ago that sometimes too much helping is not welcome.
I had to drive back to the park and we blocked the road again to unload her. There was no parking near the spot we were at but at the other end of the park there were handicapped spots and paved pathways so Jayla could get over there easily. She gave me her placard and I had to drive all the way through the park and around the block and down the road to get to the other side of the park which I could walk to in like 3 minutes. Ugh.
So by the time I got to the party it was 3. But Caleb and Alejandro took over grilling. Alejandro already volunteered before and he loves cooking. There were lots of us there in fact really almost ALL our homegirls showed up. At least the ones still around. Seth showed up too and I think he ended up having a good time. I didn’t even have a chance to text time to see what was up earlier not until we left at 230. He replied a little later he would come later. And he did like 20 minutes after I was finally able to be there.
We were playing music and telling stories of back in the day and talking chisme and shit about enemies. Seth was sitting right there and I was hyped up about all our crazy ass stories. I think he really got to see me like being who I truly feel I am. In my element. It didn’t seem to scare him lol. He ate but took a long time to do it. He sat by me most the time but did talk to Francisco and Laura and some of the friends who sat around me. I had two beers and I was feeling pretty good. Actually really good. Lena was happy and I think everyone was happy. All the kids had fun and we had tons of food and it was all good.
I was tired when we got home. Everyone was. But Caleb came back over and chilled again and Laura came again but this time she brought her two daughters who played very contently with Lena’s youngest daughter Gabriela. But damnnnn her daughter’s are really annoying after awhile. I’d go insane. Lena agreed. Laura has wanted to go shopping for school stuff with her but Lena didn’t even have the money. We kinda stood her up today (Monday) and went to dinner at Caleb and Alejandro’s. Really I didn’t want to go anywhere but I did. I didn’t want to cook. I was supposed to go take pics at the farm but the boss was hurt and I wanted to be with my friends. So tomorrow.
I wrote Seth a couple times but haven’t heard from him.
I was so ready to go home tonight from dinner. So tired. I wanted so bad to go to the river with Lena and the kids but no one could watch grandma. We were gonna go to another beach but my mom didn’t get to grandmas until after 3 and Lena went to do laundry and I offered to do some for her but fuck she took a long ass time to get it to me so I had to stay longer at grandmas for it to finish.
After we left dinner I went upstairs to smoke and started watching tv. I thought Lena was gonna come hang out and she didn’t. Finally I decided to go down and hang out again and realized Laura was there again with her daughter’s and I had no idea. Ugh I was over it and tired.
Ugh it’s 130am and again I’m awake. But tired. They leave tomorrow and although I’ve had fun I am ready to have my life back.
