*Way Beyond The Wonder Years*

**This be my mind on depression…** *a voyeuristic literary view of my so-called middle aged life

[sleepybluehaze]

[sleepybluehaze]

June 16th, 2026

Tuesday, 4:49pm

I had another scary event with my body and it was possibly worse than the worst spasm I had on Friday. Worse because it happened with the right side and thus far all the issues have happened on the left side.

I’d felt some twitching in my right leg, also pretty unusual. Then Saturday night after I spent 20 minutes icing and then 20 minutes with the heating pad on my aching feet I move to pull my leg off the heating pad and right then my big toe on the right side started to move upwards, away from the toes and in a way nobody can willingly move their toe. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS HAPPENING WITH MY BODY????

I had no control over it with my own muscles. Any attempts to move it down were like I wasn’t doing anything. The only thing I could do was grab it with my hand and push it down. It wouldn’t hardly go down but once it did it wouldn’t stay there. Whenever I took my hands off of it, the toe still went straight up. I didn’t even know what the fuck to do besides cry and be hysterical by myself. I tried massaging it but it didn’t seem to respond. I flipped my foot over so the toe was pushed down by the bed.

I have no idea what finally worked but about ten minutes later it finally went back to normal. I’m crying and super scared. What the fuck is wrong with me???? Nobody’s foot moves this way! This is unnatural as hell. Something is absolutely wrong and it’s now wrong on the right side. I googled shit for hours after and again it reads plenty about Parkinson’s and multiple sclerosis. The movements look like dyskinesia it seems. The cause?? Often one of those two I just mentioned.

I am scared. I had put in a request via the Internet for an appointment but after the toe thing I called them early in the morning. Unfortunately because I only have the availability of Tuesdays and Fridays I can’t get in until mid August. So I’ll have to just deal with whatever scary shit happens in the meantime I guess. Definitely depressed about waiting that long. They tried to get me in next Thursday but there’s no way I can get there in time from grandma.

I’ve upped the gabapentin and the muscle relaxers, like the doctor told me to do. Since then I’ve held off all other spasms and such. But I feel so out of it, so forgetful it’s borderline dangerous.

Friday after I wrote the entry I sent a text to Danila to see if she wanted to go see the pulpo magnifico, which is a large octopus on top a truck shaped like a fish that moves and blows fire ball’s from all its tentacles and the top his head. Designed and used at the Burning Man festival. She said she has that night off and was down. Ok- it’s set, imma make myself go.

I tried to invite Teresa too but she was in Canada lol.

Saturday I had to go to the gym since I didn’t Friday due to the major spasm. I was careful starting out on the treadmill to not activate anything. Everything was sore and somewhat painful for the first several minutes but after like 10 minutes all the pain was gone. Score. Saturdays are really the shit at the gym because there’s barely no one there and I got to use all my machines in the exact order I prefer them in. I love it so much but not enough to permanently change when I go on a normal basis.

Afterwards I got home and took a shower and did my hair and makeup so I would be essentially ready for the octopus party even though it wasn’t until 7. I chilled with the dog until then. I brought some Bacardi in a water bottle to consume there and share with Danila if she wanted. She did lol.

I got there about 15 minutes after it started and then delayed heading over there because I drank some in the car first. They had blocked off a couple streets and the mechanical octopus was in the middle of this large parking lot with one of the towns best and largest murals was behind it. On the side of the lot there was an alley and that was being renamed after the dude, Duane Flatmo that designed and created the octopus- among many other artistic contributions to our area and just in general.

The octopus was motionless at first, but it needed to be powered up and then be lit. This took awhile and probably like 45 minutes it started to move around and then BAM… music blasts and so does the fire. Everyone goes crazy.

I did bring my camera and spent a lot of the evening photoaging it from different angles I could get. Finally I got right up next to it and got some good pics and videos.

They had food trucks and we got some tacos and then went back to my car to have some more Bacardi. My edible kicked in and I was feeling good and so was about 100 or so other people from my town that stayed until after 10pm, dancing to loud music, surrounding a fire blowing octopus 😂😂. I was like it’s like burning man came to our town 😮😮. I am pretty sure I’ll never go to that festival so I’m glad to have the experience.

It felt good and fun being out there and I got good pics and videos- I was glad I committed to getting out and doing something. I know I need to do more of that.

Sunday was the protest. Saturday evening I was super tired, but I started thinking about adding some more stupid shit Trump has done in the last month since I made my sign. Obviously some good/horrible shit like the slush fund for his homies and insurrectionist. The “I love inflation.” What feels to me like he just set a cease fire indefinitely and isn’t actually trying to settle the war. I feel he wants to slowly and inconspicuously back away.

Of course the next day he announces there actually is a peace deal and Iran confirms they intend to sign. What the fuck it says? Nobody outside him and his closest villains are privy to that at this point. Ive heard it is pretty much the same as Obama nuclear deal that Trump tore up and then justified starting the war because of it.

I guess we’ll see, but I bet it’s bull shit. Now I hear Iran wants commitment from Israel to stop their bull shit before the sign, and that seems unlikely. That fool can’t seem to stop being aggressive to anyone he can push around. Look at Gaza.

I wrote several ideas to change the sign but then I just went to sleep. I’d been sleeping like shit but with the added gabapentin and muscle relaxers I was about to fall out. I slept for almost 9 hours 😮.

I was revved up to add to the sign but of course that always takes longer than I want to. I added stuff to the sign as quick as I could, let the glue dry and went upstairs to get ready. I was super disappointed to see once I got there that several parts I added ran the ink with the glue 😢😢. I felt disappointed because before it was like perfect. At least I know I can easily fix it by reprinting it and glueing a new one over it but with much less glue and more drying time.

Protest was good. Danila was there, of course and Francisco and Catalina decided to join us. I was happy, felt bad I forgot to bring signs for them to hold. Catalina was wearing the pro immigrant shirt I got her for Christmas.

I heard there was some confusion with people about whether the protest was even happening or not so that may be why the turnout was small. First Sunday protest. And there was, for once, lots of other things to do this weekend. Also the first one where a cop didn’t hang out and we saw a lot more aggressive acts by cars. Luckily it was mostly just revving engines hard and driving away fast, as opposed to crossing lanes of traffic in a way to look aggressive- like they could just decide to kill us whenever they want and they want to remind us.

Well works the other way too, bastards.

There was maybe more than usual yelling obscenities and obscene gestures. Those I’m ok with, after all it’s “peaceful” and first amendment protected. But best believe I yell comebacks and gesture right back at them.

I’m done with the high road long ago. These fuckers don’t respond to that shit anyways.

Damn I just remembered I should have added something with the interview he had with that lady who talked back to him so he flipped out and left the interview. Next time. If there’s room with whatever else he manages to do in the meantime.

Seth was gone a lot this weekend. He went to the Friday festival. He was gone several times and most the day Saturday, at who knows where, but there were so many things going on this weekend. Sunday he stayed home, but when I was at the protest I saw his car coming to drive by… it’s easy to spot. I instantly looked in the passenger’s seat to see if a bitch was in the car but I recognized his homie from down the street. Probably went to disc golf but who knows. I didn’t look at him to see if he looked at me, I assumed he didn’t, when he was right near me at least. But he knows I always go and he’s spotted me before so I feel he probably did.

But doesn’t matter for shit. Last night I was thinking intensely about him and missing him and shit but I couldn’t even concentrate on the stuff I love because the fucked up stuff seems so overwhelming. I know this is a good thing but fuck.

So my mom has this kid she works with (he’s like mid 30s but she speaks like he’s in his early 20s, which is what I thought until just recently) and he has this girlfriend and apparently the friend wants his girlfriend to work more. They just moved into a rental but it’s a house, so it’s expensive. And i guess she does caregiving.

We wanted to include her in the interviews we did previously but she was being wishy washy and I told my mom to just forget it, we had others who seemed willing. We got who we got. Although my mom is obsessed that once she starts school she won’t be able to work for grandma so there’s an impending crisis. Well there’s always a pending crisis with this in home caregiving. I told her we can’t ever expect we’re gonna find anyone who’s gonna be around long term. It seems like we actively look hard for those people- I’ve even taken to mentioning wanting a person intending to be long term… to no avail.

So anyways my mom informs me she wants to hire her work homie’s girlfriend to be basically an on call grandma babysitter. For example, the two days I want off to go camping next week. And she wants to start taking Fridays away from grandma more often, especially in summer. Absolutely understandable she’d want an actual day off on her day off. So yeah, I’m down with this idea for sure.

But we must interview her and mom sets that for Monday, aka yesterday at 4pm. Ok… my interview questions are now permanently on my phone. So yesterday my mom gets home around 3 and we discuss shit and we prepared for 4pm. At about 350 my mom received a text saying she’ll see us soon.

At 4pm, nothing.

At 405, nothing. My mom remarks and I say I can’t trip about 5 minutes. You just never know… could be having a hard time finding the house, there’s no street sign. Probably hard time parking as it fills up when people get home from work around that time.

At 410 I then remark what the actual fuck? We watch my mom’s phone for a text or call. At 420 I’m like dude I need to go home and get high, where she at? And who is 20 minutes late for an interview?? Psshhh real story is that anyone and everyone, from my experience over the past 7 or so years hiring people.

It’s unbelievable to me and like the premises for countless nightmares. Who hasn’t had a nightmare at least once they miss an interview or they’re ridiculously late for one?? Obviously nobody searching for a job in the last decade.

It’s a thing of the past!!

Might change when the economy crashes!

Ok so I tell my mom to wait until 430 and then call her and see if she still intends to come because we’re trying to do other things? I have her refrain from calling until then but before then she calls and claims she’s gotten lost. My mom describes how to get here from wherever she is and from there she finally gets here around 440.

40 minutes later people! Last interviews I did someone tried to come that late too but I stopped them. This time though there is some desperation in this attempt.

So when she knocks I let my mom answer the door and I stay sitting down at the table. My dog flips his lid but I assure her he’s all bark. But as she moves down the long hallway to where I am I can’t believe my eyes because I’m 99% I know who this woman is. I stand up and walk closer to her and she stops and talks to my grandma. I have to walk to verify her face.

Out my mouth pops “oh shit I totally know you” and she turns to look at my face and instantly recognizes me too. Oh damn. My first thought is “fuck no” on hiring this bitch. I see a slight acknowledgement on her face she may have lost out before she even started.

So ima her a name, Alison, from here forward. Hopefully I won’t have to write about her again, lol. But anyways, I know Alison because she used to be my neighbor, she lived directly behind me, upstairs. Her stairs to her apartment start in my back yard. She lived there for quite a long time… like 5-6 years? It seemed a long time.

Well anyways, Alison and I always got along just fine. She never gave me any drama, but she was a lot of drama. Her alone. Her and her boyfriends. Her and her mom. Her and the neighbor below her all the time, occasionally other neighbors. She was such a belligerent person because she was an alcoholic. Terribly. And her kids dad like knocked her up and took her to Mexico as his wife when she was like 14. She spent a lot of her childhood in foster care, she calls one of those foster mom’s her mom. But she has a real mom who I’ve also seen the psycho in her.

One night Alison knocked on my door and asked for ice and Tylenol and to take pictures of her fucked up face. Why was it fucked up? Her mom beat her ass, and bad. Both her eyes were black, nose swollen and bleeding. She couldn’t take pics as her phone was ruined in the brawl. She said she didn’t fight back even though she could have. She wouldn’t call the cops even though I felt I thought she should.

Eventually she got in a terrible car accident, oddly enough ended up not her fault, considering she was a drunk. But she broke like her whole leg and the whole thing was casted up and it took her forever to be able to do things. She stopped drinking. The drama over there evaporated, but she still didn’t get along with her downstairs neighbor so they moved her to another project up the street. I can’t remember when that was but like 3-4 years ago?

Hadn’t seen her in a very long time but I did at my friend’s Thanksgiving party. She has gotten so freaking skinny I didn’t initially recognize her at all. Only by her voice. She said she had been struggling with some health issues, we both talked about the fucked I/O experience we had with that. I can’t remember what she said was wrong with her.

So my first reflex was a hell no, we are not hiring her. But of course we did the interview (I’m the one that asks the questions) and as it went on the more I thought about how it’s been a long time since she’d been sober and I hadn’t heard or seen her get into any trouble for a long time. I did remember she had done caregiving the whole time she had a job and wasn’t injured. And she had good answers to all the interview questions.

So I told my mom everything after she left and said I was willing to give her a chance. After all she’s gonna be on call so it’s not like we depend on her all the time. I sure hope we can depend on her for the times we need though. I am very motivated to have days off next week lol.

So mom called her and told her she’s hired… to come Thursday and I will train her. My third training day in like that many months. Ugh.

So even though I wrote another novel I have to add that Luis came over today and DAMN. 😈😈. I wanted him to come this weekend, he had talked about coming Friday so I was ready to fit him in. But then he said nah, Saturday is better. But I heard nada that day and I knew he was busy Sunday. He tried yesterday, but I had gym day and the late interview. So today was the day.

He joked he was gonna call in sick when he heard I had the day off. But he didn’t. He got off early and ran home QUICK… for once. That’s always the issue he goes home and stays too long and it’s late and he needs an excuse. Before 530 no explanation required.

He made it at 230 and we were slow, which isn’t often the case. Almost as soon as he walked in the door we started touching each other. It felt super good to again be having a regular sexual relationship even though it’s not exactly normal.

It was good and I could go for more lol.

He sent me another song that reminds him of us and this situation. A few days before he sent me the one that he’d dedicated to us back in like 2004 or something. I have to admit I enjoy the attention when I have the extreme lack there of.

Well, I guess the novel should end at some point and maybe that’s now.

Here I come back to add I saw on the camera Seth arrived finally and as he was pulling in the driveway he had his windows down and he was singing very loudly and I hear “so estranged” or “so strange” at full blast 😂. I don’t think I’ve ever really heard him singing full blast.

[sleepybluehaze]

June 12th, 2026

Friday, 10:38am

I said in the last entry I needed to be outside at the same time as Seth to gage how likely it is he’s gonna try to talk to me again. Well like 20 minutes ago that happened and it felt cold as ice.

He left as like 730 am. I happened to be awake and I heard his car turn on… only the thing is with that is that one of his tenants has the same fucking car and it sounds the same fucking way… so now I never really know. Except the tenant leaves at 730am for work most days as I’m up getting ready to leave myself.

So I figured it was her but then checked and it was him… followed by the tenant. I was thinking maybe another race for his god daughter will take him out of town? I had kinda been hoping for that lol. But nah, he pulled up when I was sitting outside with the dog.

He parks on the side which means he’s leaving again. Tonight the city wide Friday market happens again and I know he’ll be there. But that’s not until later.

He does something weird when he parks, almost like something is off with his car. He doesn’t get out for awhile and I can hear his music playing… sounds like Bob Dylan lol. It’s weird how long we’ve been in this relationship and I don’t really know his music tastes. He doesn’t always listen to music in the car… also weird.

As soon as he hops out, my dog starts barking. Seth does his loud sigh and like talks to himself a little… which he sometimes does when he’s about to say something to me. (I don’t know your music but I know your mannerisms)But he walks behind his car, to the sidewalk and quickly into his driveway and disappears as he gets closer to his door. It was fast. I felt it. It was the first time I’ve felt that actual pain inside for awhile. I’ve been kinda numb.

Counselor says well… you’re getting more detached. Yes, that is true. I could completely detach but he’s right there. There’s no abuse between us but leaving the relationship is kinda the same process. The things against us have grown enormously, like often it does with couples. So much hurt has been accumulating and you can’t even justify it. It can’t be repaired. At least without professional help.

If he was just capable of even the slightest amount of emotional conversation things would be so much better. But he’s not, at least not now. And he’s not doing anything what so ever to try and improve his skills.

99% of relationships that I’ve been in and been completely and utterly in love with the person it always comes down to something like this. And it always seems like the dude could make the changes if they really wanted to. If I was actually worth it to them, but they never do. They don’t even like take serious steps… eventually I have to walk away. And they always come back and say they changed and they never do. They have to just rub me so much the wrong way that I can’t take it anymore.

Maybe Seth got there before me. But at the same fucking time how ironic, right? The problem himself has reached his limits with ME and my responses to his off the wall behavior. Or maybe not even behavior but utter inability to communicate about emotion.

I know from his view, I went off my rocker that day with the intensity of text and the mean shit I said. Especially on the first Mother’s Day after he lost his mom. This is only if the dude I saw at Applebees with that bitch wasn’t actually him.

I told my counselor the only reason I feel bad about that reaction if it wasn’t him because of the mom thing. Otherwise, I’m just reacting crazy to a man who drives me crazy with his hot and cold bs.

I want to tell him that he’ll never not get crazy if he chooses to enter romantic relationships when he can’t feel love and can’t communicate anything about feelings. I will definitely tell him that if we ever speak again lol.

I was also thinking that if we talk again and I explain what happened with the understanding I agree it wasn’t him (only chance ima talk with him long term) I would say the truth; I was absolutely certain and both Mariana and Francisco thought it was you also. It wasn’t just me. But… I thought I’d throw in a little lie with it and say I saw a flower on the table, like it was clearly a date these people were on. Of course I didn’t see that, but if it was him he would know that.

It’s not that I think he would admit right then it was him and he definitely had no flowers, so why am I lying? But I would watch his face to see his reaction. And if it wasn’t him for reals, no harm, no foul.

I’m so pathetic, I swear to the fucking powers that be.

Last night when I finally decided to cook something for dinner I was listening to Mexican music. It started with me just singing this one super sad song that I’ve always loved but for some reason I was drawing a blank on some of the lyrics. How can this be??? So I looked it up and it was false panic, the words were all there in my head 😂😂. Just needed the music. But anyways iTunes busts with a whole playlist of Mexican hits from my days (late 90s-early 2000) that were on the subject of love, mostly the depressing parts.

I started to remember how intense the songs are. Like you feel something for someone and you want to find a song that says what you’re feeling, right? But idk comparatively the majority of songs in English are lacking.

I also got that feeling of remembering how intense the relationships with my Latino exes were. I get all wrapped up in how I could easily find somebody to date. Easily. But I want substance and potential for serious longevity at this point. Like I’ve done reached the top of the hill in life and now I’m on my way down that hill, for fucks’ sake. And then I remember I have to have the herpes talk, and really that shuts down all the good feelings about going out there again.

And you know it’s not even necessarily the potential rejection in of itself. It’s what I see is an inevitability a encender un fuego de chisme. To light a fire of gossip. And this is a small fucking area. The Latino community is even smaller. 😢

And then I remember the call from Michael, accusing me of not disclosing to him I have it before I slept with him. Except I didn’t have it then… but the larger issue is that he knew and I’m not sure how. And that means the word is already out there.

I’ll just stick with Luis for my physical needs. I been just thinking maybe I’ll just encounter this person in life. Then I remember that’s the exact mentality I thought before I met Seth and I thought he was the natural “encounter” I had been waiting for. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Estúpida

I’m awaiting Francisco’s visit, he is coming on his lunch.

I have a dentist appointment at 340.

Must do the gym today.

I have several chores that really need to be done this weekend and I just want to be lazy.

Weather has been nice and actually warm (by warm I mean 62-65 degrees) and sunny all week. Bizarre lol… even the weather reporter guy was remarking this. Usually it’s “June gloom” all month long. I’m knocking on wood.

Last night I didn’t get a chance to work on the new laptop with my old one to attempt to transfer Lightroom and whatever else I could until like 930. I had to download this program on my old laptop and I did it with little problem, but then it wouldn’t open. I tried for like 30 minutes to get it to open! I was infuriated. By that point it was like 1130 so I just shut it all down and hope to try today. I want to dedicate a lot of time this weekend to it.

I need a distraction.

I must force myself to go see my grandma. I need to do it tomorrow but I may wait until Sunday. If I go tomorrow I could potentially get food from my favorite restaurant 😂. They are closed Sunday.

This morning I heard a ruckus out back and sounded like people yelling and I looked and it was the neighbor getting beat up on by her boyfriend. This is the neighbor who had me do the balloons and senior portraits for her family. Although this has happened several times before, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen it happen. When I saw him smack her I opened the door and yelled at him to take his hands off her and he ignored me and yelled at her and she yelled back and told him to leave and if not her neighbors would call the cops. Something about him ruining her car.

What felt really bad about it is that the little girl next door must have seen it happen too and she ran out as soon as the dude was out the yard and asked the neighbor if she was ok. The neighbor said yeah and went in and I told the girl try to not watch the ugly if she can help it.

The awkward part is I know the dude is gonna be back here in a few days again. And I’ll have to see him all the time and have to be “cool” with that after I yelled at him too and accused him of man tantrums.

I just don’t understand what the girl thinks she needs in that dude. He definitely has no job and obviously sells drugs. But not over here so idc. He’s ugly and he talks super fast and intense. But like all the time so it’s not like drugs. Her daughter has seen him beat on her and most the neighbors. Now the new neighbors, including the little girl watched it happened and it obviously disturbed her.

I wonder about the little girl and where her mother is. Not anywhere around here. At least now I know through talking with her that she was in fact in school, even though it was an independent study program. She seems far too social, inquisitive and articulate to be wasted not in school, sitting at home.

It sounds like she’s going to in person school next year, which is good.

I don’t know where her mother is but she’s definitely seeking out my attention and I’m trying to give it to her. Most the times I’m outside she is too. A lot of the neighbors have kids so they play outside more. She adores my dog (her and all the kids) and many times she’ll be inside and hear him barking and come out. He’s finally getting used to her and letting her pet him more.

She’s knocked on my door asking for recyclables… always after trash day lol. Her and the other neighbor girl knocked and asked me to throw water on them on a rare hot day with these little buckets they had. She knocked and showed me a swan she carved out of an apple, which was pretty impressive. She’s always excited about all my decorations. And she’s came and helped me cut the grass in my little back yard when it gets too tall for the dog to like to go back there. And when I say cut the grass I mean with actual scissors and I use hedgers lol.

I am continuing this entry at 711 pm.

When I was working on the floor with the computers my leg went into the worst spasm it has ever went into. So fucking intense, it’s never felt like that before. It was like stuck solid in this weird way… the muscle looked visibly odd and my foot kinda curled to the side and my toes were weird. And the scariest part was how stuck it was. Like I get spasms all the time these past couple years but never did it get like a rock hard.

I was sitting cross legged and went to straighten it and it hit. And so I desperately tried to get away from the computers to have room and it was like an inflating balloon into the straight and spasm weird position. Usually I start to try and pull my foot back but it wouldn’t respond. It was stuck straight and I could not easily stand up to try and stretch it out that way. I tried to massage it out but it was like trying to rub a rock. This point I start crying intensely.

I frantically grabbed one of the dogs toy ball and began to push it into my leg and try to massage it. I put it under my calf and moved my body to move my leg over it and that finally started to release it slightly. It took awhile to work enough to where I could stand up and begin to attempt to stretch it out like it usual.

But it did not go down very easily still and then it felt weird and weak. It was sore. And the twitching fired up and hasn’t stopped ever since.

I’ve noticed the leg firing up over the last 24 hours. My ass was twitching intensely and then it went all over the back of my leg throughout the day. My feet have both been hurting a lot but then my two middle toes just felt weird and then the bottom of my foot felt just like somebody took their finger and pressed it hard into my foot. It felt so much like that it was a trip nothing was actually happening at all.

Even now my left arm and hand/wrist feel kinda weak and shaky. My right arm was shaking slightly.

Super scary.

I decided to not go to the gym today, rather rest it till tomorrow. Even though I feel lazy and unaccomplished as a result. But I could make shit worse and there’s no reason why I can’t go manana. After all it’s always very slow on the weekends and we know in love that.

Still I wanted to be done.

My feelings were hurt when a half an hour before the Friday night festival I see Seth is already gone. I keep hopefully checking to see if he came home here soon and reason he really didn’t go there. But I know he did and he won’t be home until near 9.

What on earth does he do there every single time??? The whole time?? I think I remember he once said someone he knows runs a bar down there and he goes to support them? Idk. I shouldn’t care but I’m still sad. I imagine him strolling around town with the bitch I saw with him at Applebees. No shame with that old lady, but me yes.

I tried to move my photo editing program over to the new computer but I was right initially, it’s never gonna work via these different platforms. It’s not gonna work with any of those programs.

I need to download and pay. I need to add the cricut machine, the printer. I need to go take some pics so I can edit them And see how it plays out. Hopefully easily.

Tomorrow the “pulpo magnifico” will be down town to celebrate the dude who made him and I kinda want to go. I’ve always wanted to see it in person. You should look it up if you don’t know what I’m talking about. Which most don’t unless they’re in the know with burning man.

I have to visit grandma manana cause Sunday is the protest I temporarily forgot about!

UPDATE, 7:51pm

I greatly overestimated how long it would be before the neighbor brought her boyfriend back after today’s beating. I stated “a few days” when in fact he came back about half an hour ago. 🤬🤬

[punkitt-is-here]

this duck LOVES pink drink

[punkryuki]

[sawdust-emperor]

Her just pouring the puree straight over the duck's head because she knows there's no getting that duck out of the cup is killing me

[sleepybluehaze]

June 11th, 2026

Thursday, 11:09 am

Well guys I'm typing this on my new computer, which arrived yesterday but it was like 7pm and it came to my parents. Crazy I used to only type my journals out on my computer and now I'm doing it I'm a little rusty. Not sure how on the computer to do the fonts and make it look like I do on my phone.

So yeah Monday after my mom got home from work she said let's look for computers and I said I already found the one I wanted after much research. And then she surprised the fuck outta me and was like saying shed just pay for it. And I'm like uhhh it's like 1650 bucks and I don't think she realized that but said she would pay 1000 and I could pay the rest. I was absolutely blown away and felt kinda bad. Like why would you just gift me 1k???? She's like "well you could vacuum or something for me." And then I'm like well what will dad do then since thats one of the few things he does. LOL. I will do whatever she wants me to do.

I had the 700 (tax and shit) and I gave it to her yesterday. She put in 120 more into it for training the new worker. She was like "how do you have all this money?" and I'm like dude I said I was saving for my eyebrows and just kept saving because I realized I needed a computer asap.

I still have about 200 saved and I decided I'm using that for camping because I don't really have any money left and my check will most likely come after I'm camping. Then I will save again to have the eyebrow money ready and for a new mattress that I desperately need.

So far I've done okay with the Mac but I definitely had to look up "how do I scroll??" lol. Also as I was setting up it said you can transfer things from your pc to this and I had no idea. Of course my other laptop is at home but ima try that later. Maybe I can just transfer my Lightroom over here that way and avoid subscriptions and all that bull shit? It seems like you can do that according to google, so lets hope. I also hope to move over my old ass program that I use for graphic designs. I also have tons of sims games but I'm not sure ima move those over since I pretty much never play them. But now I got a better computer I might just start.

Im getting back in the groove of typing hella fast with a keyboard. Yay.

Yesterday Luis messaged to check on how I was and mentioned he wanted to see me. But unfortunately we're still in the wrong time of the month so I said you gotta wait like another couple days. Okay he said. Then like ten minutes later I see he text and asked if I wanted anything from dutch bros coffee... at first I thought he had accidentally sent me that and meant it for his wife or kids. But no... he meant me lol. I joked "do they have cake pops like Starbucks?" Since I hate coffee... he said he didn't know. But then he said he would just go to Starbucks instead and get me some. Say what?? lol. I said "you know you'll have to deliver it to me at my parents, right??" He said "no problem."

That was crazy to me, but he actually did it. My mom came home before and I was like omg what excuse am I gonna give walking in with cakepops?? She was in the bathroom with grandma so I just went outside and grabbed them. He gave me a weed gummy too. It was kinda crazy seeing him pulled up to my parents house and brought back memories of when we were kids. The last time he came to see me at my parents I don't think he even had a license yet.

When I went back in my mom was kinda confused and I said "a friend brought me them" and I would have actually said who but then she got distracted and the convo ended. Good. I think she already gets a little sketch when I mention how we text semi regularly and have a smoke session every once and awhile. Of course she don't have to know its regular smoke sessions that end in sex sessions. hahha

Not sure how to do emojis on here.

It did make me feel good that he went out of his way for me like that. I remembered how good it feels to have that. Now to just find a non married man that is a good potential partner. Not gonna happen when I'm off social media and don't really go anywhere.

So it seems our new worker girl won't be able to fill in for me on Thursday for camping. But my mom has decided we should interview the wife of one of her coworkers who does caregiving. Originally we were gonna interview her for the position but she was wishy washy. But we are thinking to try and take her on as a fill in. For days that we need a break or something comes up that both my mom and I want to do without Grandma. An on call grandma babysitter.

So next Monday she's supposed to come and interview and hopefully Wednesday I can train her. If that works out then I can go Thursday camping too. I almost thought well shit I might as well see if she can just take Wednesday and Thursday and I can go the whole week! But then I remembered how I don't want to leave the dog the whole time but also don't want to take hi that long either. This way I can leave him with my dad on Monday and Tuesday and when I go back either Wednesday night or Thursday morning I will bring him.

Looking at myself in the mirror yesterday I was disgusted even more by my bright red/orange eyebrows. Ive decided I do not want to wait until the end of summer to get them laser removed. I think I will take a week in July and just suck it up and stay home that week. I find I often forget they look so dumb but then every time I see the mirror I remember. This way that at the end of the summer I will be ready to have them redone.

Ive tried to reframe my thinking on missing last Friday's appointment that maybe the powers that be prevented it because they were gonna mess up. Maybe I avoided more problems lol.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow that I made when I was having issues with one of my back teeth and gums. But it went away... but I'm still gonna go because it went away before and happened again also. Plus I think they are gonna fit me for fake teeth, which I really do want.

I have been thinking about Seth a lot but have had no contact. Idk why I keep looking at my phone wondering if there's a text. But I know logically he's not gonna text. I know I want him to, I know I want him again but the feelings are mixed. Like the inevitability we've really got so much issues its really not gonna be salvageable. He doesn't love me and never will. But I still be pathetic as hell and want to be around him again. I want to tell him if he wants to touch me he can't unless he agrees we date too. I have a fuck buddy I don't need another one.

I know it's doomed and it's just asking for more hurt but it hurts so much being so close with no contact. He has been at home pretty much every moment he's not working so I don't think he's had a chance to spend any time with his girlfriend if he in fact has one. Good. let her feel how terrible he is as a partner.

I wont know if he's interested in talking again until I see how he acts when we're outside at the same time. See if he's feeling it out again if its safe to speak to me again.

Well it's my Friday so thats a positive. Tomorrow Francisco is coming to visit during his lunch and I need to talk about camping plans. Also he's wanted me to go with him to sneak into an abandoned logging town for awhile. He went with his friends before and knows id love it, and I will. But they snuck in at night and he says it's best to do it that way and I haven't wanted to go when it's cold and wet. Well now we're moving away from that so I'm about ready. I was gonna propose around the 4th because law enforcement be busy lol. Not like we would really get into trouble for going out there they'd probably just tell us to leave.

I have to force myself to go to see my grandma J.

I hope to be lazy and work on this computer. I can't wait to move the photo editing program over here so I can edit pics and see how much easier it is. yay for me.

[sleepybluehaze]

June 8th, 2026

Monday, 1:23pm

Monday reset.

As the day went by yesterday I kept getting more anxious… he’s got to get back any time now. But as the day got later and later I thought well maybe he’s not coming back today either. Maybe he changed his plans which is why he took his car. Maybe you’ll get your month away.

Last time I looked it was like 1145. I felt like it was clear he wasn’t coming tonight. I went to go upstairs to get ready for bed around 120 and decided to take the dog out in the backyard instead of the front. I’ve been seeing lots of skunks out there on our camera.

Closer to 2am I got was finally done with all my night activities and went to close the window and I glanced out and saw Seth’s drive way empty except the tenants car. I went to close the shades and realized a car had parked in front of my daughter’s car across the street. I closed the curtain and walked away but then thought about it again and wondered if that was Seth’s car??

I went and looked again and it did look like his car, but kinda hard to tell being it was so dark. I finally opened the window to try and get a clearer look and realized YES it was Seth. He was back. He hadn’t parked in his driveway because the tenants car blocked the way. Funny she’d been parking that way the whole time, but Friday she didn’t. And I had thought oh, maybe she knows he’s coming back today then so she left him room.

I had to look on the camera to see what time he came back as I’d just been looking in the driveway for his car all night. Turns out he got back just a little before at 115. Like five minutes before I went to bed and a big chance I would have been outside with the dog had I let him out from instead.

Waking up I instantly remembered he was back. I watched him leave for work on the camera because I wanted to see him after 17 days. I want to see him with my own eyes. I’m still pathetic. The 17 days didn’t cure me. But at least it doesn’t feel the same intensity. The same ache.

For no good reason I stayed up too late last night and now I’m super tired. of course it’s a gym day so it will be like 9pm once I’m done with all that and showered. Boo. At least tomorrow is counseling and not work.

There is one housing worker dude that’s Mexican and I see him frequently at the gym. I never really looked at him but I’ve realized he’s in pretty good shape. I was surprised the last time he came to fix stuff he spoke to me completely in Spanish but as far as I could remember I never let it be known I speak it.

I feel like I see everyone at the gym. 😂😂

I keep trying to think of a time I could go get my eyebrows lasered off. I really didn’t want them to look like they do.

Kinda bummed that my check from grandma was way lower than it has been. I knew it would be some since I’m not working Sundays anymore. I missed one day for the baby’s graduation. But still it was lower than I’d expect. I was hoping to add 200 to the computer fund but it will have to be just 100. My mom messaged this weekend we could talk about that more on Monday. Hopefully she’ll be down and won’t think it’s too much.

I’m kinda afraid to hold on to the money much longer because something gonna come up and take it from me.

Dude I’m so tired I’m nodding off while I’m writing this.

[sleepybluehaze]

June 7th, 2026

Sunday, 12:54pm

This weekend did not go as planned. But, ultimately I’m glad it played out when it did because waiting longer would have been worse.

So maybe like a week ago I noticed the dog’s butt stinks a lot. And this is not normal. I do not see anything on it. Several weeks before this same thing occurred and I took him in to get his anal glands expressed an they said “oh he was pretty empty.” And I mentioned he’d had a bad smell and asked if they could tell if there was an infection? She said yes they could and he didn’t and it’s possible he expressed his own glands and got some on himself.

So this time I thought maybe that too because he wasn’t scooting or anything. I washed him off at my parents using their little nozzle to hit directly on his butt. It seemed to do the trick but a couple days later it was back. Everything about him was normal although for some time I’ve felt he’s had some constipation. And I’ve noticed he’s taken to standing around and staring at me. Even after he’s been fed and been taken out and went… he kept doing it. I was having low, but persistent worry that what if something was wrong. What if he is infected and that’s why he smells?

I realized this late Wednesday and it was problematic because both Thursday I ended up staying with grandma until after 4 and that’s when they stop doing anal glands. So I decided to wake up early on Friday and go early before my eyebrow appointment. It was the only time, unless I wanted to go with my eyebrows bleeding and scary.

I made it there at 10am (little later than I wanted, of course) and I wanted to leave to my eyebrow appointment at 11am. Latest 1115. That means dog is home too. And when I got there I saw it was really pretty busy and I’m like fuckkk. Well ima try. The receptionist says there are way understaffed so I could wait until I can’t and they’d charge me after if they did. They always charge you before for services like that.

I was surprised after only 20 minutes they came out for him. Like 5 minutes later they come back out with him, only they’re holding him with a towel under him. Not usual. And they say his anal glands are impacted and he needs to see the vet on emergency. That the vet already agreed to fit him in, although there would be a wait. She said the vet would determine whether it needs any sort of surgical intervention.

Oh my poor baby. And oh shit, I have my eyebrow appointment in like an hour. And money?? Well- I have all that money saved for my computer (previously for eyebrows) and a check coming soon so ok… whatever he needs. Damn it though, they charge 75 for missed appointments for the brows and that’s the same amount of the procedure. Plus the 10 deposit when you book.

The vet worker says I can leave him and go to my eyebrow appointment after dog’s appointment if he needed to stay for more care. I felt bad that it sounded like that was more important to me and so I say “sorry no, the dog is the most important, I don’t want him to suffer. I was just thinking out loud. I have to cancel that appointment and see if I can access the funds.”

I temporarily thought about having Mariana come and be with him if they had to keep him after the appointment and it wasn’t for anything like a surgery. But Mariana said she had a hair appointment and that was something she was looking forward to. I thought harder and was like no… even if he has to stay longer I want to be here waiting when he’s done immediately. He would be ok with Mariana but he would be looking for me and very sad I wasn’t there after something so scary.

The only issue I felt upset about with cancelling the eyebrows was the 85 I had to hand over anyways. Especially when the vet appointment was gonna cost significantly. And of course that emergency appointments (during open hours) were like 399 or some shit. Plus whatever else.

Good thing I got child support.

They put the dog and I in a room to wait for the vet to have time for us and I called the eye brow people and canceled. Quick and easy.

I sat on the floor and pet and hugged the dog and cried some. Feeling bad that he was potentially very sick and I was only slightly elevated in my level of concern with him. I just didn’t think it was his butt that was bugging him as much as it must be.

They said he even had a slight fever. My poor, precious baby.

When the vet came in she checked him over real good. Looked at his butt. I asked her to check his new lump that just appeared also. It seemed to me like a fat cyst or tumor or whatever but I was still worried. I pet him all the time and it felt like it came from nothing to something in .2 seconds.

She said she thought it was probably a harmless cyst. They could remove it whenever if he needed to go under anesthesia for anything. Speaking of that she didn’t think he needed any surgery, but he did need like some sort of injections in that area. My pooor baby 😢😢. They said then they would send us home with medicines like antibiotics and pain relief. Ok. Whatever they say, I’m on it!

When we left the room to the waiting room we had to sit and wait awhile for them to put together our bill. As I was waiting I saw a familiar, but unwelcome face outside in the parking lot. It was Tasha 😂😂. Stupid ass Tasha. And some dude who looked significantly older than her, maybe that was her boyfriend? 🤔😂😂. I think she must have saw my car in the lot. I watched her walk around the area with her dog and I thought what would i do once she got in here? After all, in the parking lot of this very vet’s office is where I confronted her last time and she like cowered away and didn’t fight back at all.

I was hoping they’d be ready for me to pay before Tasha got inside but it wasn’t to be. So when she walked in I just looked at her directly in the eyes and laughed. I looked her over and then held a stare at her face and laughed a little more. And she went to let her dog meet mine, but then they called me to the counter to pay and so I lead my dog with me.

I lucked out and they didn’t charge me for an emergency visit, just a regular one. Which saved me like 220. I was super surprised and thought did I make it seem really dramatic about this surprise? Like it was just devastating economically? I mean it probably would have been, but I never try and let them know that. I’ve seen people have breakdowns and comment how they wouldn’t be eating that month now and I empathized. I’m sure the vet workers do too, but my bet is more people struggle than easily pay.

I’m always very nice and patient with them, and I think that is part of the reason I get “hooked up” on occasion. Occasions when it really counts. The other reason is probably because I spend tons of money there regularly lol.

So afterwards we went home and hung out, being lazy. But since my face wasn’t gonna be bleeding I decided I wanted to go to Kandy’s daughter’s graduation party that night with Mariana. I had been super bummed I was to miss it. I felt bad and a little worried to leave the dog, but he had been chill since we got home.

I made sure to put the camera that’s now in the house to be able to see him by the door and anywhere downstairs and we’re headed out. For a good while now when I’ve look in at him when we’re gone he is sitting on the blanket I put down near the door but he’s not howling in sadness. Maybe he’s used to me leaving with going to the gym and then the chunks of time when I was going to Seth’s. He is regularly being left in smaller increments. Makes me feel better, but still bad.

The party was fun.

On Saturday I went to the gym, since there was no reason to skip it now. I didn’t want to go on the weekend but I did anyways.

I’m bummed about the eyebrows and went to see if I could schedule it this Tuesday… but none available. And really every weekend this month I have shit to do and it’s summer so I don’t want to commit a week to healing and being into hiding for this either. So I guess I’m gonna delay the brow removal for awhile also then. Damn it. Orange red eye brows for summer.

So Seth has been gone still… I thought there was a fair chance he’d be back Thursday when 2 weeks were official, but wasn’t surprised he wasn’t. I was hoping hard he wouldn’t come back until today. Now it’s today and I’m nervous. I haven’t checked the whole hour I’ve been writing this, but I’m about to check the instant I press post.

[sleepybluehaze]

[sleepybluehaze]

[sleepybluehaze]

[ur-favorite-fishgirl]

if you vote me for president i vow to make everything the ocean again. no more land only ocean. this will solve all of our problems and replace them with new, far more interesting problems

[wifegideonnav]

“bits to use in everyday conversations”

[sleepybluehaze]

June 4th, 2026

Thursday, 9:58am

It’s Thursday and it’s been two weeks exactly since Seth left. So in spite of feeling quite at peace while he’s been gone, the anxiousness has slowly restarted. I continuously wonder when I will look at his driveway and see that there he is. Again.

Still wonder where he left his car. My guess is probably his clients’ house, but of course I think maybe he left it at his new girlfriend’s house. Girlfriend being the lady I think I saw him at Applebees with. But knowing him, even if he has one it would be a surprise if he did that. It was a surprise he didn’t just leave it at home. I can’t understand why it wasn’t left at home.

I guess I’ll never know.

I considered cruising by his dad’s house (like 5 blocks from here) but I think that would be far fetched to think he left it there.

I think my counselor was really trying to lead me to not care. Reminding me how I’ve been doing just fine and sound ok, so maybe I’m just over him. Yeah… absolutely not. It’s easy to be over someone you don’t see for weeks, but maybe impossible to do so when their front door is only 83 feet away.

I do believe if he stayed away 2 more weeks there could be a decent chance to actually be over him. It’s possible he will take another almost month long trip again soon. I imagine he’ll be gone as much as he possibly this summer. How nice for him. I’d sure love to go somewhere again.

I read an article talking about how fucked up airlines have gotten with taking all the things that used to be obviously included, revoking them, breaking them up and selling it back to you. For example luggage. Carry on. Choosing your seat. Like everything has several tiers. The article says they make the standard travel so utterly uncomfortable and inconvenient people are almost forced to pay more than they want. But some of us can’t pay that much. If I can’t get to and from a destination from 5-7 (depending on where and I’m not counting international) then there’s just no way I could afford to go on an airplane anywhere. Even when gas is 6.45 or whatever it is right now.

It’s depressing.

I keep thinking about being under the redwoods, next to the river, in the river on my floaty for hours on end. No electricity, cell phone service. Nada. Hopefully high as a kite with a drink lol. With good friends. The kids. I so can’t wait. I also hope hard that I can be able to go Thursday also. Francisco won’t even be there until after work Tuesday, which will be pretty much when I have to leave. Mariana is gonna be there the whole time.

Ima have to meet with them and figure out how to divide food and whatever else we might need. We got to find out what they want us to bring for the group too. My head is kinda jumbled trying to plan for that, the month and buying a computer.

Speaking of computer I have found the one that I want after many days of reading. It’s a MacBook Air that has a 15 inch screen, which is large for their laptops. It has an m5 chip, which I’m not gonna pretend I understand all that but it’s the latest they have. I chose a 24gb memory with 1t ssd. Which I read is excellent for the processing of mass amounts of photos. It has some other specialty stuff and more ports than most. It’s essentially everything I want/need. The reviews are all excellent, and I searched out reviews from people using it for photo editing. People using the same program I do. All very positive reviews. I can even chose a light blue color lol.

1,549 on sale at Best Buy punto com is the best deal I could find on it. I don’t think that’s outrageous compared to everything else. It’s maybe on the low side with Macs. I haven’t had a chance to ask my mom if she’s willing to fund me close to 1k for it. Hopefully. I have to work to pay it off in addition to the tires I’m paying on.

I thought I owed Mariana just 96 dollars, but when I looked it said 196. I had been really good at keeping track of paying her off but I can’t remember if I gave her 100 or not? Idk. I guess ima count it’s still 196 since I can’t say for sure. Bummer. Still it’s been like 800 I owed her before.

Tomorrow is my second laser tattoo removal at 1140. I plan to be more ready this time and fully shelter in place at home all weekend. I’m trying to get everything I need so I can do that. I am kinda looking forward to being lazy completely. But I do feel bad that I’ll be missing the gym for a week. Maybe if I’m lucky I can come back earlier, but we’ll see how scary I look.

I need to get over being lazy and get to see my grandma j. I guess my aunts house sold and she’s now retired so they’re ready to move to the Bible Belt asap. But she said they’re gonna do all the moving and get that squared away and come back for her then. Probably a wise idea, just hope they stick to their plan and do come back for her after all.

Let’s hope Seth doesn’t come back until Sunday.

[sleepybluehaze]

June 1st, 2026

Monday, 2:26pm

Monday reset and I’m pretty tired. Should feel even more tired considering I only slept 3 hours and 1 minute according to my watch.

I’m finally done with all the invitation stuff, thankfully. I got them there 30 of the second set printed and she gave me 50 but then also asked for 10 more. Well she didn’t ask, she said she was gonna try to go to the copy store to get them but I said I’d just do them. It wouldn’t be that hard. She said mark down the 11th of July for my big birthday party. Ok… I will.

Must have a new computer that I know how to use by that time!! I have been looking here and there but I’ve been so busy. I will dedicate myself to that this week.

On Friday I needed to go look for presents for all the birthdays, whatever else I needed to make the balloon things for my niece and order Mariana a Costco cake. Only Luis wanted to come over but couldn’t tell me exactly when. I spent a lot of the day slowly cleaning the house for all its neglect during the picture editing/invitation time.

Teresa had text me and asked if I wanted to go to get a drink with her around 7-8 after graduation at the high school she worked at finished the final day of the school year. I said yes and then promptly regretted it. I did want to go… but then it put a rush on shopping and trying to get ready and presentable. I just kept dreading it as the time went by and ended up making an excuse to not go. I felt bad. But it felt good to just chill at home.

The Friday night downtown festivals have started up again. If I’d went with Teresa we would have been down there for that. I’d considered checking it out because I knew for sure Seth wouldn’t be there this time so I wouldn’t have to worry about seeing him with somebody else.

But I didn’t go. Mariana did. And I won’t go to any of them because I know Seth will once he gets back. Along with the free Thursday night concerts that will start up here soon again too. Last year I hoped by this year it wouldn’t hurt me what he did so I could finally go. And maybe I would have been there if I hadn’t went right back when his mom died.

Of course this is like year 3 I be hoping the same thing. Next year I’ll be over you. Hopefully next year. 😂😂

I was actually thinking as we near Thursday and officially 2 weeks he will be gone that he’d stay away longer. I feel like it would be a possibility to get over him if he stayed away another 2 weeks. Well now that it’s summer I’m sure he’ll be gone as much as he possibly can.

I wonder if he’ll come back on Thursday at exactly 2 weeks or he’ll wait another few days since he won’t have to work until Monday? I can only hope. I’ve seen the dad, Bro and bro’s wife a few times doing things on the rental. It still makes me sad.

I was thinking that if he did try to reach out to me again that maybe I should finally just throw it out there. If you want me in your life in a way that includes romantic/sexual relations then you have to date me too. We have to do other things together. And you won’t touch anybody else or go out with anyone in the same way while you’re carrying on with me. And if you’re not willing to do that bare ass minimum then just keep leaving me alone. He said to stay away so I’m going to do that indefinitely. He’s the only one that can maybe repair this rapidly sinking ship to a tolerable level.

There’s nothing left to lose saying exactly what the fuck I want and think anymore. I miss the old me that would never have went very long without doing that. Herpes stole that confidence from me it seems.

On Saturday I did the gym again. I really do enjoy going on off times. But I know to keep myself on task I want to return to Monday, Wednesday and Friday after the dog gets his meds and he eats. So 530ish. Busiest times.

This week I’m only gonna go today and Wednesday because Friday I get my eyebrows laser tattoo removed again. I plan to hide out all weekend and I will probably avoid the gym at least until Thursday. I think I could go this Thursday and do cardio just in leu of Friday and the other days but I’m pretty sure I won’t. I need to make sure I have everything at home that I need because I don’t want to have to go to all these places to do errands with my eyebrows actively bleeding.

So after the gym I finally started to work on the balloon “bouquet.” They are often called that but they don’t look like bouquets. At least these don’t. They have a canon base and usually large numbers as the center piece… birthday age, graduation year, anniversary etc. it also has all these little accents and sometimes themes. My niece loves “Super Kitties” so that was the plan, along with a large size 4.

As prepared as I wanted to be of course shit goes not as planned. I’ve never even made a large one yet, this was my first time. I was upset because I couldn’t get the character balloons to work like I wanted but I was able to add one of them. I made a smaller one with one character balloon on top. I had to call my mom to pick them up before the party cause they wouldn’t fit in my car.

It didn’t turn out perfect but it was pretty good. My niece adored it, my sister liked it and I got several compliments. I thought for a moment my sister might be upset like I’m encroaching in her decorating, but luckily no. It wouldn’t have surprised me though.

The party was Sunday and at this gymnastic place. They let adults play too, so it was fun bouncing on the trampolines with random kids. Playing nerf basketball. Both my kids had their significant others out there playing with us and my mom and cousin Clara joined too. There were tons of kids too, like 30 😮.

Since Sunday was actually Mariana’s birthday we set up to meet up back again at 530 for dinner at Applebees. Again I was super glad Seth was out of town because I’ve now added Applebees to the list of places I’m not gonna go anymore. Seth goes there what seems like at least twice a week and sometimes walks or gets a ride so I just can’t risk it anymore.

On Thursday I had been upset and depressed because my sister sent me and my mom a group text mentioning she is again going out of town for her job and needs our help. She needs me to pick up her kid from school 2 days and babysit her until 2-3 in the morning. But really just spend the night because I’m not trying to do all that to get up a few hours later to go watch grandma.

I’m was feeling depressed realizing that she was AGAIN getting to so somewhere. I can even count how many places they’ve been the last year. They were just gone almost a whole week 2 weeks ago and my daughter had to watch her dogs and house.

But that depression and disappointment were nothing compared to when I realized the week she needs care is also the week of my friends’ annual group camping trip. Ya know the one I’m almost always left out of because I’m watching grandma and there’s no one to cover for me? That one. And then all I can do is cry. So very unhappy that my life is so boring and I’ve not been able to travel anywhere now for nearly 4 years. I was hoping to go somewhere this summer for myself but now I need a computer and I have the extra tire payment too. And I want to replenish my eye brow fund so there will be nothing in my way when it’s finally time.

I didn’t reply and waited for my mom to come home. Even if I did end up getting to go that would mean my mom would have to pick up my niece 4 days from school and watch her all night, in addition to her full time job and full time caretaking for my grandma. And I feel even worse about that.

But my mom said she wants me to go. She’s even willing to call into work sick one of the days, which I super appreciate but would never ask her to do because she doesn’t get sick days. If that’s the case I can go Monday and spend that night and then come back before dark on Tuesday so I can watch grandma on Wednesday. Then I can watch her Wednesday and Thursday and then go spend Thursday night out there to then help clean up everything Friday. Either way I have to do that since it’s all my camping shit. I do think Francisco may be getting his own tent this year though.

It would be really cool if our new worker could cover me on Thursday. Then I’d go out Wednesday after watching her again and be able to stay that and Thursday night. I hope that can happen. Even if not I guess it will be better than nothing.

I decided to leave the dog with my dad the first days I go this time but then take him the last night or two if I get that. That way I’ll have some time to truly fucking unwind and worry about just myself, even for a short period of time. I feel bad he won’t have his slurry those days but he’ll be ok. Especially since I can give it to him before I leave and once I get home.

I better be careful with money to be sure to have enough for this. I also could get the kids to kick in more.

Shit if I take the dog he’ll need flea meds and I think he needs a heart worm test also. Damn that was what happened last time and it was extra money I had to borrow.

Fuck.

Tomorrow is Election Day here in California and I’m waiting until tomorrow to vote. I haven’t waited until voting day for an Election in awhile. But this time the decisions are not easy and really are fluid. I’ve liked Newsom since he was mayor of Frisco and I’m sad to see him go. No one else really grabs my attention. I have decided instead to wait until the last minute and vote according to the polls, because for a long while it looked like it could be a possibility the democrat vote would be so split that republicans could take the top two spots, assuring a republican governor.

There’s never a good time for a republican governor in California but I’m not sure there could be a worst time than now. That would green light anything and everything Trump dreams of doing to our state and break us to pieces if that happened.

I am a progressive and I liked tom steyer when he ran previously. Not as much as the other choices, but I liked what he stood for none the less. But due to the crisis at hand and the fact that he was polling quite low I really had concluded it would be a risk not worth taking to vote for him. And because now that Becerra has the backing of the main stream then that means I’ve got to vote for him.

And I surrendered to it for several days now, thinking well he has plenty experience in government, the first Latino governor would also be a major plus. I’d love to see that.

My main hold out on him is that I haven’t seen him clap back assertively very much. He hasn’t made headlines for being quick and forceful, which is exactly what the position demands right now. We can’t show any weakness in front of Trump because he’s successful as fuck at inventing reasons without any help. And even though the majority of 4 year olds could be more creative, his worshippers still swallow it and treat it as absolute fact.

So then I think yesterday before I was heading out I saw a clip if an interview Becerra did and he said something to the reporter like he didn’t know it was “a trick interview” or a set up or some lame ass bull shit and I just cringed. Are you kidding me?? I have been railing hardcore on that Katie Porter lady to drop out because she had a mental breakdown during an interview and that’s just unacceptable to me if you’re trying to be a governor of this state in particular. In this time in particular. We can’t have no weak asses representing our state when so much is at stake.

So now I been upset… until I look at the polls this morning and realize Becerra still has a healthy lead but steyer is now neck and neck with the Republican dumb ass people are worried about. So now I’m super relieved and plan to vote for steyer. I know everyone in my family has yet to vote and so are lots of people. As long as Becerra and steyer perform strong we’ll be ok. Best case scenario, it’s Democrat against Democrat.

Yesterday after dinner at Applebees we went to the grocery store. When I went to walk out I saw this guy walking in that goes to the gym. I see him all the time. He looked at me and smiled, which surprised me. Did he even recognize me or was he just being nice? I had my hair down and full face of makeup so that’s why I questioned if he recognized me. Well… I guess we’ll see if I see him today.

[sleepybluehaze]

How many times during history lessons growing up did you ask yourself how the fuck did people just stand by and let this happen?? How were there so many average people that were convinced to perpetuated such unthinkable horrors on their fellow man??

I know we’re all overwhelmed with our personal every day lives, just keeping it together. Always feeling like we’re teetering on the edge. But if we lose our democracy all of the worries of today will be a child’s play, comparatively.

PAY ATTENTION! Speak about it with people. Attend protests. It will be refreshing to join your people. Post responsibly. Even though the power of our vote is greatly diminishing every day, still you must vote.

Almost everything they’re doing right now is to suppress your vote, a thing millions in this country neglect to utilize anyways, and it shows. The more we justify this with “my vote doesn’t count” the more it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

If we were, as a population overwhelmingly engaged in politics, they wouldn’t be able to get away with all that they get away with. The extremist would have never taken over main stream and redefined reality.

Where you get your information matters. If you really want to know about something you need to use your search engine manually. No lazy chat gbt shit for this. TikTok might trigger your interest, but the info is untrustworthy on its own. And read from many sources. The more you do this the more you see clearly where the bull shit is coming from.

YOU MAY NOT DO POLITICS, BUT POLITICS WILL ALWAYS DO YOU!!

[sleepybluehaze]

[sleepybluehaze]