#iwritealot

[skeyesrgrey-blog]

your passion burns so hot it turns me red to the touch.

@xshamextoxpainx

[sleepybluehaze]

1/9/19

So this is from Luis... and I haven’t seen Luis in a minute. Since before Christmas. It pissed me off. Well more like hurt my feelings. The last time I seen him I told him that Seth and I were officially together so I couldn’t do sexual things with him anymore. But we could still chill and smoke and really that made me feel happier anyways because is getting caught could be so terrible and I’ve still been worried about him since we had sex and shouldn’t have. But I was enjoying his mouth that is true but oh well I’m gonna have to get my needs met by my boyfriend. Although this seems a lot harder than it should be.

The last time Years and years ago when Luis and I stopped being physical I got to that point because one; I was looking for a relationship for myself. A steady one. Also, I was beginning to feel that Luis was only coming around because I would do sexual things with him and I already know I’m very more open to do things than his wife. Hmmm the last time we hung out he even said “Kandance is perfect in almost every way but not that way.” Meaning sexually. Tough break mother fucker. It did sting when he said that.

Luis has text me between the last time we saw each other and today but he hasn’t really tried to hang out and I haven’t either. Been too busy and distracted. But when I got this message I was pissed and hurt. I have carried on with Luis all this time because i felt special. Like he loves his wife and family but I’m always the one he thinks about and wonders what might have been and how he maybe wishes we would have ended up together. That he truly did love me like he always says and how he declared so much in his saddest moments this year. But no. Like I suspected before and now i see and have been shown that if I’m not available, he’ll find somebody else. I risked a lot to be that dispensable. And you know this is the best time in the world to get hit with this truth because it’s time I cut his ass off in this way and possibly in every way for a minute because I want to tell him off really and I might just. Like wtf really do I have to lose? He’s not leaving Kandace and he’s way riskier than the average person I could be with on a dispensable basis. His dick is hella small anyways and he cums way too fast. So enjoy your viejita pendejo ill concentrate on my man and give him all this good stuff you always come back for. Not no more. Not gonna risk MY relationship for that.

I think I mentioned how on Facebook the other day some bitch locally from the town Alan is currently living in, two hours away, posted something with tagging Alan saying thanks for keeping her straight and always coming to see her. And I liked it. But it made me see he is just the way he always was. I mean of course he doesn’t have to be faithful to me because I told him I am continuing what I stated before you came. Not giving that up and glad I didn’t. Cause also I see that post is gone and some other ho posted something about him lovey and the local girl was pissed. Like ok what makes me mad is that Alan specifically said several times he didn’t know anyone up this way except me and his family. And obviously that is not true and he must have known this bitch for a minute. Again that would be whatever (especially cause she looks old and I’m way prettier) but why lie? Like why lie? And he is sweet and uses terms of endearment to all the chicks all over his page. Nahhhhhh I’m good.

I might have to fight for Seth’s attention but I’m

Fighting his job, his second job, his dad, his home improvement projects, his need for sleep. I’m not fighting other chicks. And I don’t want to fight other chicks; at least not after we decide we are together in a relationship.

Sometimes I think maybe I’m fooled and he’s secretly in love with someone else or there’s some sort of catch but realistically I don’t think so. I mean maybe he is in love with somebody from before and is attempting to move on. I mean that’s kind of me too I’m in love with D but I’m not waiting for something that’s not even in the works. Only thing he said about his last relationship was that the bitch was crazy. He didn’t say bitch I don’t think I’ve ever heard him say that word even 😂😂. I also have lived across from him for 8 years and I’ve not really ever seen bitches come here regularly. Except the one chick that I met but I’m pretty sure they never were nor will ever be anything. I think she’s more friends with his dad anyways.

I made the right choice and my life is showin me this.

Don’t like the part that D did not write me at all today and very, very little yesterday. But I’m not pushing it. If you don’t have time for me, then I need to see the reality of that too. But I don’t want it to be a reality that we don’t speak everyday at least some. At least under most circumstances. I love that man and can not deny it. But I’m dealing with reality and finding someone who can fit in my life.

[sleepybluehaze]

12/24/18 AM

It’s Monday and Christmas Eve in the AM. I been up since about 8 doing shit, taking inventory on the stocking stuffers to make sure they are even. Just like every year I end up buying hella shit. I have a few more presents to wrap and have to go to Michaels for frames and the grocery store. I sent Seth a text awhile ago saying tentative dinner time is 630 and does he want to go out or me/him to cook something. Going out would be easier but at the same time cooking something together would be sweet. I guess we’ll see what’s up.

I’m at my grandmas and it’s 11am and I’m supposed to get here at 10 but I always get here more like 1030. She is still passed out sleeping so I’m writing this in her quiet little house. I know this is terribly dreary thoughts but I hate being here first in the morning because I’m always scared of what I could find. My grandma is 76 and not in the best health. At the beginning of the year I was the one who found her laid out on the floor almost dead when she had fallen and laid there two days without us knowing. Which disclaimer we usually talk to her every single day a couple times or one of us sees her and she has one of those life alerts. The weekend was just busy and we didn’t communicate about it. But we learned from it and that will never happen again. But it was traumatizing for me. I don’t think my mom or my sister understand and this is why I have been very stern about her having care during the day. My grandma is like my mother. I love her equal to a mother. She has cared for me everyday of my childhood and she always made me feel I was important and loved. I cannot say that about anyone else in my family. No I don’t have terrible family dynamics but with my grandma it has been the strongest and most consistent. For that I always take care of her and I always will. For that I have not moved away. For that on the day I almost killed my self I still got my life together and came to take care of her. Maybe she saved my life that day.

So it’s Christmas fucking eve and I’m gonna be jolly about it damn it 😂😂. Yesterday there was a Christmas commercial and I got grumpy and I was like whoa dude it really is almost Christmas so you can not be mad about the ads. I’m just so used to being disgruntled about premature Christmas advertisement and shit. I hate that.

I ended up finally having a long talk with Flaco and made amends for our fight and talked about what was up in our lives. I think we are still on for next month him coming here. I am excited. Not sure what to say to Seth about it but the way he pays attention to me he probably won’t notice 😂😂. But Flaco and I are friends and not sexual although we have flirted. But he’s been in a long ass relationship so I never was like that with him. Technically now he’s been single for a minute but he’s still seeing his girl so I’m betting they’ll get back together. I was all up for fooling around if he was still single and so was I if it happened. But now I have to be good.

I was thinking this morning on how I could help my friend Jacey with MS. Since she is wheelchair bound now it creates a lot of difficulties with bathing and being in the kitchen. I know there are modifications that can be made. I want to see what things she needs. I wanted to look for grants and maybe do a go fund me. I want to see if local construction agencies wouldn’t be willing to give a discount on their work or something. I’m not going to conquer this until after the new year and I’m home, but it’s something positive I can focus my energy into.

Ohhh the dog spoiled grandma’s slumber by barking like crazy. But this is no surprise lol.

[sleepybluehaze]

12/20/18

Today is my ex husband’s birthday. Not like that means a lot to me at all anymore, but I remembered still.

It’s 945 and I didn’t hear anything at all from Seth today. It is not easy being in a relationship with someone that you go a day or so without even touching base. I don’t like it. I am understanding but i need some more attention. I don’t even require too much but shit. Like ok my boyfriend lives directly across the street from me but the person giving me most my attention is D. Which I also love so that’s bad but whatever. We are still on a trial period in my mind right now.

D gave me much attention from about 1030 to 3. I didn’t hear from him last night after like 3 or 4 either but he said that his phone is off so he can only really use it at work with the WiFi. We’ve been here before lol. But it’s really just good to have him in my life and feel his attention again.

I watched my grandma today and that was kinda boring of course but I kicked ass with everything that needed to be done and messaged with D and Gil and this other dude I call Blue Eyes. We’ve been IG friends for a couple years now but over the past nine months or so we send each other funny and inappropriate memes on a regular basis. We have talked about meeting and I am definitely planning on it. He’s ten years older than me but he is handsome and I think he’s pretty cool. But I can tell his life is a mess and he’s dealing with divorce and AA meetings and he has lots of attention from the ladies so we are friend zoned. I’m fine with that cause just one less person I feel I have to tell I have herpes. Plus now I got a boyfriend lol.

I got paid from my work which helps life a lot. I need to finish getting all the last Christmas presents and stuff for the damn stockings. They’re so much harder now that the kids are older.

When I picked my daughter up she was not feeling well. She needed to watch my grandma while I took my son to the doctor. I gave her some aspirin and peaced out cause we were running late. When I came back my mom was there and she was asleep on the couch. I don’t think she is going to school tomorrow and now the trip is up in the air for going to her dad’s. But who knows how she’ll feel that’s still like two days away.

And who the fuck is banging on the walls of the damn apartment??

I miss cuddling Seth I’m hoping maybe just maybe tomorrow he will find time for me.

The powers that be are really testing me I think with all this stuff happening. I just hope if I really dedicate myself to Seth that I won’t always feel like I’m sacrificing or doing without.

It’s only about ten but I’m pretty tired and gonna try to pass out.

[sleepybluehaze]

Sunshine again 12/19/18

Today in the AM I got another random text message from Facebook saying one of my friends had commented on a post. I got one yesterday morning and now one today. I clicked the link yesterday and it led to some random post. It occurred to me as I was driving my daughter to school I wonder if my Facebook is active?? Because how else am I getting these messages? But even if it was active why just those two showing up?

I message Lena and ask her if my Facebook is up and she messages back pretty quickly that yes it is. What the fuck?? Remember I was saying it’s actually a chore to avoid NOT reactivating it? Here is another example and i have no idea when and how it was up again.

I signed on my account on my computer and i had new messages and of course I could see the message from D. And i ache for D and without thinking about it too much I opened that message and wrote him “i hope you’re ok” and the messenger said he was last active 6 hours previous. Within a couple minutes I see he is typing back to me and he replies am I ok and that he thought I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. He said he saw the message just sit there untouched so he thought I wanted to be left alone. Maybe I did... but not from him.

And bam we are writing in a fury to each other. Like it’s been a million years but also like we never stopped writing. I really did feel missed and cared about. He sent me pics of his adorable face immediately and of course we got sexual and he just kept saying he missed us talking and he thought of me everyday. He said he also had been staying away from social media because life and everything had been so heavy.

I ask him to switch to either ig or Kik cause I didn’t want to leave Facebook open. So we start up on Kik and write continuously all day. I fill him in on most of what’s been up and he tells me he is still at his job but wants to still leave. He said he is pretty much moved back in with his wife but still stays at his moms like half the time. Not sure what that means. He said he hasn’t really done any art recently either... which is surprising. I hope he really is ok. But I think we will have plenty of time to catch up now. I’m not sure if he went home to his wife tonight but after awhile he just stopped writing. Although I’ve been crazy out of control I do not feel so dependent on every single thing D does. I’ve been without him 2 months but it was like heaven today having him back and I hope we can continue to be close as things will allow. I told him I had Seth as a boyfriend and he said he was happy for me to find someone. And it didn’t even hurt me for him to say that.

So that alone made today super. I watched my grandma most the day, bathed her quick, got my daughter from school early. I think I’m finally gonna get paid most the money owed to me by my work tomorrow. Unfortunately I have to give most to my mom.

I did grocery shopping, spent money on concentrate because it’s the way I cope lol. I’m also about to drop some money for more gummies because I’m out and I was thinking of getting them closer to Christmas so I had plenty for that and our Disneyland trip. But I keep not realizing Christmas is literally six days away and one of those days I’m out of town and who knows if they were gonna go out of town. So a little more irresponsible spending for my coping substances is happening.

Came home and chilled for a bit and then set out on a monumental fried chicken operation and I had added two more extra things and I am determined for my daughter to like it and say it has flavor. Cause she always says it has not enough. And yes this time I did a great job and even she said so. I saved some for Seth although I don’t know when I will give it to him.

Seth did text before bed and he asked when I was going out of town. I need to know what his plans for Christmas is. I asked to spend some time with him Sunday once I get back. I’d love even more tomorrow or Friday evening but we’ll see. Friday at 4 we are eating with my grandparents but I’m sure that won’t go super late in the evening.

I’m in a better mood as I decide to try to sleep earlier than usual. Today was a good day.

[sleepybluehaze]

12/4/18

Damn it to hell Seth’s dad came back and he brought somebody else too so they can spend time working on their rental to get it done. The damn it was because that means he’s gonna be even more busy and he didn’t invite me over pretty much at all when his dad was there last time. And who knows how long his dad is gonna be here this time.? I sound terrible lol. One positive thing is that his dad’s cancer is only in stage one and they think he has a very good outlook for beating it and living a normal life. That is awesome.

The only reason I’m really discouraged was that earlier in text Seth wanted to hang out. Pretty sure that’s off the table. Booooo

Well I guess I can work on these photo gifts that I want to get some people. Personalized calendars take awhile. I am also buying Seth a present. It’s awkward kinda to start dating around the holidays because it’s like you got to get them something but where is the balance of not too much and you’re just getting to know each other. So far I have that peanuts notebook which is so small, but something he likes and we watched together. Or mostly watched 😈😈. I also found this mug that says something about being a referee. I also saw an Anthony Bourdain T-shirt but all that could be too much. But I’m being thoughtful. Also something I noticed about him that even though I have only told him my birthday once, he recalled it without hesitation on Sunday. The only reason I remember his bday is because it is the day before the due date of the baby I didn’t have. I have terrible short term memory. I swear guys I’d dated for a long time forgot my bday. D forgot my birthday this past year and broke my heart but the day he thought it was was the right day, following month. But still it hurts when people who are close to you like that forget. It surprises me he remembered.

I wanted to say conferences were better today but one was a no show and another cancelled so I just did two as opposed to five or more each afternoon. Because of the cancelled one I had like a two hour window and I did some Christmas shopping. I’m so indecisive right now it’s terrible. I need to buy shit as fast as I can to not spend my money on other shit.

I’m planning on going to take my daughter to her dads Saturday night and stay over there, he pays for the room. I plan on bringing Alan, picking him up in the way. I’m conflicted on the guilt I feel even though I am not doing anything wrong. Also introducing my neighbor to her and then I bring Alan. But I’m not gonna behave like I’m a couple with Alan in front of her. But if she asks I would just say well they both like me and I like them so I’m just dating them both to see who fits with me better. Which is the honest truth.

I can’t believe it’s only Tuesday I feel like it should be Thursday.

I wonder what is going on with my other job I do miss it a lot. I’m discouraged I’m unavailable all this week and then the week after Christmas because of our trip. Right when things are probably picking up. I’m feeling we may have a new riff with someone else we were working with who seem up and coming in the industry and that’s a disappointment. This is not the first time this will happen and I’m sure not the last but it changes so often and I’m not always updated. Sometimes creates awkward moments. I do fear sometimes that could happen to me but I have literally never done anything to cause any sort of a problem. I’ve made some mistakes of course but nothing major. I have to remember this is their business and their decisions. I never stick my nose in any of it anyways besides suggestions of things that involve me. Ima hit her up today and see what’s up.

Well at this point I’m straight procrastinating working on calendars. Ugh just get them done!!

[sleepybluehaze]

11/28/18

Today started out just a tad bit unexpectedly. Luis has been texting and saying he wants to hang out and all that but he often does not follow through. I guess he’s not that good at cheating on his wife 😂😂.

He text this morning and asked what I was doing and I’m like chillin before work and he said he had the day off and did I want him to come over to smoke? Um yes. I quickly clean myself up as fast as I could and then I realized I forgot a physical therapy appointment at 1015 so we didn’t have a lot of time. He came and we smoked and idk today the conversation just didn’t seem to flow much but then again we cut that short and started to fool around. Usually we make out and touch and I suck his dick and he goes on his merry way. We used to do everything but of course there’s herpes now to deal with. The last time we hung out as he left he said the next time he saw me he was gonna fuck me. I’ve been previously too afraid cause all I can think of is omg what if he catches it and passes it to his wife?? I mean sure I did it with D but that’s clear across the country and I don’t know that bitch. Plus she cheated on him so fuck her. But with Luis we have a life long history and I know all his family including his wife. They have been married like 15 years so it would probably be a hard one to pull off that he’s had it previous. And what if he confesses who and everyone in the county knows that I’m not only a home wrecker I also have herpes. Ughhhh id have to disappear forever.

But we did it today. He went to go down on me and I told him it was ok to do that there was pretty much no risk. And omg it was wonderful and I finally came. I told him you know it’s been since July that a man has made me cum?? He’s like I’m sorry. Yeah me too. I started to return the favor and he let me for awhile and then he was pulling me on top of him and I’m like what are you doing? He wants me to ride him. And he was going for it with no condom. I’m like uhh no you need that. So we did it and lasted like five minutes 😂😂. But I was good I already got mine. My legs were wobbly and I just wanted to just rest but no I got to go to physical therapy. We were gonna try and hang out later but we’ll see. By the time I’m done with work he will probably be occupied.

I’m pretty positive everything will be ok though. But the worry is always there. There’s so many consequences I know I shouldn’t have. But shit we been holding it back since April.

Last night I had the closest to a panic attack about my veins looking so blue. Like freaking out I finally just had to make myself sleep. And look I lived through it. My physical therapist seemed to think I am fine, at least with that. Although I am positive there is something wrong with me that is the root of all these symptoms.

Yesterday I knew Seth was mostly busy because he had told me he had games to referee everyday this week moving into the tournament that i will be at with my daughter. I had to pick up my son at 8 last night and right when I walked out the door he was getting out of his truck. He had his hair all nice brushed back and really he looked good. I walked over to him and he immediately greeted me with a kiss. Which I love. We talked about our day and he said his car was now junk so he’s gotta get a new one. He seemed ok with it at that point. We talked about the tournament and he’s like oh are you gonna heckle me? I’m like yeah if by heckle you mean look at you like eye candy I will. At that point I needed to go and he said that he had shit to do before he could even sleep. Damn it. I hope we’ll get some time for each other some time this week. Like I said shit we live across the street from each other so for me spending a little time with him daily would be absolutely possible. But I’m not pressuring him. We kissed good night and I left. It made me feel good but it also made me think like where do we even stand? I pretty much just say we’re dating... I guess that’s what it is.

I’m struggling with hunger a lot lately. Not being hungry at all. Which usually that sounds great to a fat person but the problem I have is if I go too long without eating I start feeling sick. Light headed and nauseous. And then with the nausea everything sounds bad. It can take me long to think of something I can stomach. It’s not pleasant. Today I literally forced myself to eat jerky cause I was feeling weird and it was so hard. I finally ate a peanut butter sandwich and that holds me off for awhile. Yesterday all I stomached was some of the same jerky, half a bag of m&ms, 3/4 a corn dog and some jojos. At night I was feeling bad and I decided I’d eat bagel bites but then I saw the veins and lost my shit and didn’t even eat any I spit out the one bite I took.

Like what the fuck. Why do I always have so many problems?????

[sleepybluehaze]

Day 2 of my trip

Day two was on the road for a long ass time. I was looking forward to finally having time to truly talk to Lena. Yes we text a lot but really for the past couple years even when I go there we have not had much alone time. Before when we would go there me and my kids would stay at her house and sleep there. I would always come with money to help buy food and do stuff. But then Lena’s mom moved in with her and was sleeping first in the living room. Then her sister kept moving in and out. There was too many people and no room for us without being too much. So I took on staying in hotels, which we loved cause we had our own space and there was always a pool. But then we would want to be there at the pool or whatever and we would invite Lena and her kids to come and they would sometimes. Then we’d go over there but I wouldn’t want to drink and have to drive back to the hotel. And there is only one hotel in her whole town and it’s expensive. So I have to stay like twenty minutes away. Before we used to go outside and talk alone for hours into the morning. Drink some, I would smoke and sometimes she would too. It would be great to catch up with all the details of things that are happening and have happened since the last time we’d been together. I felt at home with her. Now her mom moved out so we can get back to that lol.

We finally got on the road around eleven, which was my goal. We got subway and I ate half a sandwich and felt good with my stomach. We drove roads that I’d never really drove before and saw places I’ve never seen, which was cool. I love doing that. We only stopped three times, one to pee, one for apples because I was feeling I needed to eat but that was all that I could stomach. Don’t know why my stomach is weird. The last stop we got gas heading into the desert. I hate driving at night and I knew I would have to but I was hoping to do the least as possible. I had wanted to stop at this abandoned water park I scooped out but by the time we got that way it was too dark. Lena took a lot of pics and we talked a lot. We stopped once in the desert to take some of the sunset. We finally made it to Vegas around 9pm. I was nervous about check in and the fees and money and if the room was good or what. But check in was easy and our room was nice. We stayed about a block off the strip, but paid extra for the view of it. I was pleased with the view and the room was roomy and clean. I felt really happy that it worked out that way.

It finally hit me at that moment with much pride that I had accomplished my goal. I have done it on my own too. I set it and i was there. She much of my life has been full of no goals because I’d been so disappointed by failing at everything I ever wanted really bad. I’ve been afraid to ever want something really bad because it’s like automatically about to be a failure. But ya know, lately that hasn’t been true.

So I brought out the vodka and my dab rig. Them fools wanted to charge me 25 bucks extra for a smoking room. Like wtf was that?? I said no. But dabs are easier to get away with because the smell is not strong as smoking weed and it dissipates quickly. I wanted to be some sort of under the influence at all times on this trip. I planned to depend fully on my feet and public transportation the whole trip. Lena took a shot with me but pretty much stopped at that. I wanted her to drink more but didn’t press it cause it was like 1030 and we needed to eat. So we got all prettied up and went downstairs and ate at the restaurant there. It was good. We then proceeded to hit the strip. It really is amazing there, all the lights and other shit. I told Lena I thought Vegas was the city of fake since every single thing was fake. I know that we have outgrown the prime for Vegas. It was not even on my bucket list but it was the closest concert to who I wanted to see. I knew we weren’t gonna be partying like crazy but I wanted to make the best of it. We walked around and took pictures for the most part. I wanted to walk a little further but Lena was complaining how much she hurt and I WAS tired too. I was also hungry but she wasn’t and most things were closed. I thought I’d get room service when I got back but that stopped at eleven... which seemed dumb to me being the restaurant was open all night. I had some more to drink and smoked some, munched on the snacks I had brought. Lena laid down and went to sleep. At around 4 I finally fell asleep.