EX|POSED: Breakthroughs & Rehabilitation, REVELATIONS & REBIRTH
Breakthroughs & Rehabilitation
The beginning of 2020 was a confirmation of what I had been feeling empathetically for months, maybe even years up until that point. There was an energy that allowed me to sense something that was potentially about to be grand scale shift and life changing within the whole World. No this was no hindsight bias- for weeks I had expressed this feeling which had become second nature to me, this feeling that comfort as we knew it was about to change. An influx of aggression had been bubbling up for quite some time, and there was no place else for this energy to go but to release itself back out.
Each time I went out there was a pressure sitting on my chest getting heavier and heavier, this pressure was the kind that only anxiety can bring. The change I was feeling was going to be an uncomfortable one. As I knew this was a universal shift, I was painfully aware of the revelations and breakthroughs that were approaching in the personal realm of lives.
Within my personal experiences within this shift, I also knew the time was approaching that I address situations I had neglected which was no causing extremely uncomfortable limits within my personal life; I call the pass 6 years of my life "Walking in Hysterical Blindness". Recognizing my own response (or lack thereof) to what has felt like a lifetime of neglect and abuse transmuted into precipitous rage and withdrawal, this 0-a million reaction I had generated as a protection mechanism was now prohibiting my ability to move forward. These emotional responses that appeared “negative” doesn’t negate the external afflictions that society has on the person with brown skin and a vagina. But at this point I recognized my inability to avoid this painful death and cycle I had subconsciously committed myself to, lead me to dig myself into a deep lonely hole of pain and isolation for at least 6 years. THIS COULD NOT CONTINUE TO BE MY NARRATIVE: so I chose to allow those calcified pieces of ugly pain begin to fall off of me.
I had encountered a breakthrough within my own death.
While I was about to attend to my proverbial death, the rest of the world seemingly and unknowingly was about to attend to their own. COVID-19 was a physical representation of all the ills of the world coming to surface. Forced to come to terms to the inconceivable ugliness that the worldly society has allowed to fester into a cancer, we were quarantined, a form of rehabilitation within itself, forced to sit with ourselves, our uglies, unable to distract ourselves with the normal escapism we would implement.
Death can be simultaneously painful and beautiful, ugly and comforting. The idea of (re)birth being able to evoke the same emotions is not often considered in a common sense. Beauty often lies within the ability to come to some form of acceptance with yesterday’s occurrences and today’s outcomes, within the death and rebirth processes. Acceptance allows us to kill off expectations and the parts of ourselves that chose to live in the comfort of lies, and rid ourselves of the parts of us that are not useful for our new found truths. And then there are growing pains of being reborn into the truth and unknown.
I had been running away from my own truths and what I had known was true for so long, settling to fulfill myself on lies because the pain was too much- I was weary and tired.
In my path in this new universal shift and journey, I welcomed the solitude of rebirth. A few months prior to quarantine, I sat on the floor of a women's womb circle as seeds were planted in the soil for that new year. I heard the words say "..seeds have a dark, sometimes cold, and painful journey to get to their breakthrough..you are a seed being planted in the dark growing into your breakthrough.."
And again, like the rest of the world, tailored along with my breakthrough were revelations that allow me to continue breaking through these calcified conditions we I seemed to be holding on to so tightly.
As I began to navigate the new pathways of my breaking through old pain, there are revelations that act as stopping points of reflections and truth. One revelation I've come to terms with is that I forgot the essence of myself attempting to force myself into being something I am not for this world who suffers from its own façade.
I had been running from myself for several years at this point; which version I was running from was unclear, maybe all of me (hindsight, it was definitely all of “me”). What was defined and clear is the fact that I was deeply unhappy with me, the life I was living, and had hit my wall of exhaustion and living in my own lies.
The beginning of the COVID epidemic found me in the midst of yet another major transition. Five years of attempting to outrun this person and facade I had created to appease to the acceptance of loved ones, has left me exhausted and depleted. There had been a great rage and resentment that had grown in me, and finally it bubbled up like lava and erupted all over my life.
BURNED! DESTROYED! SCORCHED!
Everything that I had built around this facade of being a happy wife, mother, girlfriend, professional, had fallen apart.
In fact I wasn’t picture perfect happy with the terms, positioning, and social constructs that went along with having to be the person that fit into these roles.
And in fact these things didn’t actually belong to ME- this person I actually am, and what my essence needs to naturally thrive. But I don’t really know who I am , so this is the new path on this life journey- understanding who this person is and what it is she truly needs.
Before I begin to traverse this new path, I needed rest. The continuous energy it takes to keep running in order to survive is devastating when you get the opportunity to stop. It’s like the tailwind finally catching up with you and knocking you down hard.
Homelessness had approached my threshold and somehow the universe presented an opportunity to reset.
I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize me, and quite honestly I no longer knew who I was: that was the major revelation and theme going into 2020. My rebirth includes reminding myself of all the things that my soul essence loves, writing, music, exploring, solitude, LOVE...for now I know I am being born again, the sun shining through the cracks touching my skin feel familiar and heavenly again, learning to express through words again feels like an escape.
