What sexual shame means to me.
Sexual shame - the ultimate cock block in a Christian relationship. I can’t fully let myself be free and joyous with my partner. I shouldn’t. Someone is always watching.
All my immoral sin, my sexual sin is alive in me so that every time I’m with my love... me, the same person who acted on the immoral, I’m allowing it to thrive. I’m validating the same sexuality that tainted me. The further I go, the filthier I really am for letting it show. The joy and unity in knowing that Sex was created by God is a shattered dream. In life, that possibility died a slow and painful death... and I helped. Yet here I am. A man before me with that same dream still alive in him... and he wants to share it with me. I want to, with all my being, accept that and allow it to be as pure and awesome as it was supposed to be. But I simply can’t forget... The crimson stain, That cyber stamp in my browsing history, My fleshy loneliness No-strings-attached rendezvous with supervisors and strangers. God forgave this thousands of years ago when He allowed his Son to stagger and die on Golgotha. Josh forgave this with a smile and an ‘I love you’. But up until now, I never could. For there’s more than shame. There’s self-disgust and a thirst for vengeance. I always hoped that love... REAL love would be the cure... That his love would prevail over my rage and shame. But I painfully admit that that’s not enough. Not because of what he lacks but what I lack.
