#loops excerpt

[closetheloops]

Smalltown Boy (Loops excerpt, part 10)

"...Never said out loud I was queer. Just was what it was. Wasn't always so easy to be who you are y'know, I came up in a different time. Things got real bad in the 20s. You prob'ly read about it in grade school, but I lived it. People gettin' beat up, locked up, flatlined, for holdin' hands or usin' a public bathroom. People like me. Sure, bein' rich insulates you from a lotta shit, but I wasn't always rollin' in eddies. 'Fore that I was just a dirt poor brown kid slingin' bar and waitin' tables 'tween gigs to make some scratch. Bein' out back then, shit. Coulda kissed my whole future goodbye. Label wouldn've touched me, or if they did, it'd all be for show. Saw what happened to the others. People who wanted to be authentic. They'd have their 15 minutes, sure, but none of 'em lasted. I wanted a career, wanted a lifetime, didn't wanna be an easy target or worse, a marketing gimmick. So I hid. I hid for so long, the fear became part of me.

Got away with a lot when we started tourin', people expect you to fuck around as a rocker; boys, girls, whatever you can get your hands on, and boy howdy, did I. Fucked anything with a pulse, anyone who'd have me. Tried to play it straight back home, badly I might add, but I tried. 'Course there was always rumors. Screamsheets used to love spillin' goss on me gettin' caught with men, 'specially after I married Louise, when was that, '56? God, what a mess. 'Member that massive fight we had when the label started hearin' chatter about you, told me to knock it off? Really thought that one was it for us. God, you were so fuckin' angry, every right to be. Knew it was a shitty shitty thing to even consider, but I couldn't face it, the idea of the whole world finally knowin' who I am. You never had to hide any part of you, I had to hide 'most everything. You could never've understood. Shoulda known that."

[Context: FAQ/Synopsis]

[closetheloops]

That's Not My Name (Loops excerpt, part 8)

"...That's the thing about seein' Johnny again, after all that time, the spell was broken. All those years, thought if I ever saw him again, I'd feel that rush again... at first, I thought that's what that was. My attraction to you. Thought it was just because you were carryin' him, but it was you I was drawn to. All the shit we did with Us Cracks, I coulda hired anyone to do that, I coulda just fuckin' left it alone, but I just kept findin' myself makin' excuses to be with you when he wasn't in charge. You without him intrigued me in a way I didn't understand at first. Wonder if it would've been so easy letting go of Johnny if I hadn't wanted to be with you. Half a century's a long time to sit with somethin' you can't finish. Even if I hadn't been so infatuated with you, you gave me such a fuckin' gift. Gift of putting Johnny behind me once and for all. Second his words came outta your mouth, I was over it, like a weight lifted off me, even if I didn't notice it right away. Never been great at processin' my feelings, took me way longer than it should've to realise what you'd done for me. I know you can't expect to undo decades of emotional trauma in one day, there was so much to process, I couldn't keep up, and the brutal truth got lost behind all the drama. You just kept droppin' bomb after bomb. Here's Johnny - BOOM. Here's V - BOOM. Everyone's dyin' - BOOM..."

[Context: FAQ/Synopsis]

[closetheloops]

Bizarre Love Triangle (Loops excerpt, part 7)

[Context: FAQ]

"...You never needed to tell me how worried you were about my feelings for Johnny. I could tell. Even that, I could tell. I know there was always a part of you that didn't know who came first in the pecking order, even after he was gone. I won't lie to ya - at first it was more about Johnny than you. Not in so much as wantin' to fuck him more than you, but in that maybe I was tryna get back at him somehow, make him angry, hurt him like he hurt me. Didn't take too long to figure that wasn't gonna rattle him like I wanted, and by then I started to see you without him, stopped carin' what he thought. After that, noticin' how different you two were was an epiphany. 'Times you'd say something, and I'd think THAT ain't Johnny and it felt fuckin' preem. 'Member how I used to dig at you for your awful taste in... well, everything? Honestly? I was completely fuckin' enchanted by your terrible taste. The garish shirts, the Cuban heels, the jade jewelry, the cat, fuckin' Lizzy Wizzy, the tacky neon vomit all over your apartment, the whole shebang. Just showed me how much of you was authentic. You never gave two hairy shits what anyone thought of your style, least of all me. 'Member lookin' at one of your godawful fringe rugs once and thinkin' Johnny wouldn't wipe his ass on that rug and I swear to Christ, my heart skipped a beat. I was fuckin' spellbound.

Even that's complicated though. 'Cause I remember feelin' that way about Johnny sometimes too, 'specially in the early days. Completely in awe of everything he was, even the shitty parts. Found myself comparin' you to each other, makin' lists in my head of who was better at what. 'Most every time, you'd win, on paper at least, and then I'd get this feelin' like a kick in the balls, guilt or somethin' like it. For losin' my faith. Almost felt like I had to justify all the time I wasted chasing after him by makin' out like he had actual qualities that I wanted in a partner. God, makin' him sound like a monster. Don't mean to. He isn't. Wasn't. Just a man. A drunk, selfish asshole, a broken mess, a fuckin' supernova of chaos, but not a monster. That's just what happens when you put someone on a pedestal. You forget what they look like face to face. I... I don't want to do that to you. An' I worry that if we keep havin' these one sided chit-chats, you're gonna end up on the high shelf, another forsaken monument to a dead God, and I'm gonna forget who you really were."

[closetheloops]

Satisfaction (Loops exerpt, part 6)

[Context: FAQ]

"...Fact is, no one's been able to satisfy me since you been gone. Sure, it's fine, passes the time, but it feels... hollow. Empty. Just a mechanical process. No more of a thrill than jackin' off, 'cept there's some rando takin' up your space in the bed, and it ends up more hassle than it's worth. Might as well think of you and take care of myself. Only problem is that always ends with me sad and missin' you like crazy again. Missin' you comin' up behind me, wrappin' your arms around my waist, butterfly kisses on my neck, your hot sweet breath in my ear, voice like melted butter tellin' me how much you want me, runnin' your fingertips across my chest, slowly workin' your way down, feelin' you stiffen against the small of my back 'fore you take me in hand... fuck.

S'funny, 'member you once said we never really talked 'cause we were always too busy in the sack, and you were right, but God... if we'd spent every sec of every day we had together fuckin' our brains out, it still would'n've been enough. The more of you I got, the more I wanted. Craved you like heroin. S'why I drank so much when you were away. I know you hated that, but I was just tryin' to replace the intoxication of breathin' the same air as you. Didn't work, but I had to do something. 'Course, it's the other way 'round now. Missin' you has aged like a fine single malt. Longer it stays casked, stronger it gets. Funny how things come full circle like that. Maybe I'm never satisfied. Always wantin' what I can't have."