Finding a sense of peace has been a difficult task. However, with meditation and finding myself again - I have finally been able to get out of this shell i was trapped in for so long.
I have given up what seems like my soul to smile again.
The places I kept falling into were as dark and as deep as a hole thats been dug about 10 miles or more. the hole was narrow, and very hard to crawl out from. The cuts and bruises i have left show the struggles I went through when i finally reached the top.
These challenges , these test I was put through only showed me how rough it is on the outside, however with those obstacles I was able to achieve a goal.,,, survival.
Being able to embrace the bad, the ugly and what seemed like the impossible.. I made it out alive.
Something I know disappointed people when i made it out stronger than before.
I’m untouchable. my heart is gone, and my soul has escaped to another realm. One day I will travel to this unknown place and reclaim what is mine, but for now its safe and away from danger.
My body is no longer filled with anger or hate. Numbness has occurred, but i tend to hide it well. I smile more often now, Even on the days i dont feel like it , it is a reminder that if i do smile, even if it is fake, that eventually the day will get better.. because i have something real to smile about.
Not all is lost, maybe in a time it was- or so i thought. But i found myself. I found great passion in living again. I realized i lost myself in others, because i wanted to please them. I wanted to do everything to make them happy, that i lost the ability to do what made me happy. I took away from my time to focus on things that i realized would of never in a day fought hard for me. I fought for love, i fought for my soul, i fought a war that i was never going to win. The game was rough, it was a fun journey and lesson.
It taught me to grow up. It taught me to never lean on anyone else for support. It taught me how to stand up for myself. It taught me to fight for what i believed in, even if the ending results lead me no where. It taught me that people come and go, and what was real was actually just a dream. But it also taught me that dreams are beautiful, and without the pain, i would not be human. Emotions are real, and because i wear my heart on my sleeve… i knew that no matter how many times i continue to bare the pain, i was still alive. I am alive. I am me.
as papa roach once sang “ the scars remind me , that the past is real”
And as i continue to find more about this life now, and myself… more scars are bound to show up. But handling it in a different way.
I will no longer be that naive, push over.
I am better for the things i did. and i finally forgive myself. I no longer live in a self loathing mind set.
just because a person handled a shitty situation in a bad way, does not make them a horrible person. When you’re naive, you dont think of the consequences of your actions. You except certain things from people and never in a negative light, and i have learned that not everyone can be trusted. This world is truly cruel, but if you let the cruel world win, you will never be able to learn how to handle it.
You see little lost rabbit… without your troubles, without your chaotic life. You would of never been able to find yourself again.
And even if you get lost again, because the chances of that happening are likely with the way the world works. you know how to push through it for the next time, dig your way out easier, and find yourself all over again!!
And its okay, because hey….. you’re only human.
Its okay to cry little one, its okay to not be okay.
At the end of the day, you’re stronger than yesterday. And every day, you become another day wiser.
\And if that isnt progress, i dont know what is!!