Title. To love or let go
Genre. Fluff. Angst.
Warnings. Rough touching (not John) Sadness. Kissing.
Pairing. Footman John x Bridgerton!reader
A.N. This is based off this request I got, but I have so much for this that it is being broken into two parts so this is part one! I hope you all enjoy :) not proofread
word count: 2.5k
Bright sunlight was shining through the large windows of the drawing room. You were sitting on the cream and blue striped sofa that sat within the large room as you continued reading the book Elosie had sent over from Scotland. Faint tapping sounds fill the room as Hyacinth practices her dancing steps. The calmness of the room is interrupted when the doors are opened with a loud thud.
You glance up and see John in his work attire standing tall with a letter in hand. His eyes search over the room before landing on you. You see his back straighten as he extends his hand showing a small parcel, “Miss Bridgerton, a letter from your sister has arrived.” His voice is professional but the gentle and almost mischievous smile tells a slightly different story
Putting your book to the side, you sit up straighter and extend your hand out for the letter. You feel a gentle smile take over your lips.
“It appears the day so far has brought me two amazing things.” The words left your mouth in a teasing way as you could see a light red tint begin to crawl up his neck. John has always been someone you got along with and you could always joke around with him and it never felt awkward.
Out of the corner of your eye, you catch Hyacinth looking at you with an open mouth at what she would probably consider a bold and flirtatious joke towards a man. Choosing to ignore her, you make quick work to open the letter that has arrived from Eloise.
Quickly reading the letter, you set up more after reading Francesca, John, and her will be arriving later in the day just in time for your mothers masquerade ball. Looking up, you face towards your sister, “Hyacinth, will you let mother know that Eloise has sent a letter letting us know they will be arriving in a few hours?”
Hyacinth nods her head and her footsteps echo against the hard wood floor as she runs off to tell your mom about the letter. John is still standing near the door, you catch him looking at you but when you make eye contact he is quick to look away.
Standing up, you walk around the table and get closer to him. You can see his shoulders tense as you approach, feeling a smile tugging at the corner of your lips.
“Has the day been well for you?” It was a pathetic attempt of conversation and you almost wanted to take it back until you heard John let out a small chuckle.
“It has been a fine day, Miss Bridgerton.” His voice is smiling, but his thumb is brushing over the back of his own hand in what seems to be a nervous fidget.
There is a pause in the air, neither of you knowing what else to say. As you go to continue the conversation, you can hear the footsteps of your mother and Hyacinth coming down the hallway.
You take a step back and turn back towards the open window, glancing outside and towards the few people walking on the street. Hearing the doors open once again and your mothers voice pulls you from the possible conversation John and you could have had.
The next couple of hours went by quickly.
Eloise, Francesca, and John had arrived and you were able to catch up with them before being whisked away to prepare for the masquerade ball your mother was hosting tonight.
The bright white and sparkles of your dress reflect off the candles lit around your room. The fabric is fitting in a modest way, and is soft against your skin.
Your lady's maid is standing behind you finishing up your hair routine while another is in front of you putting on the light makeup you decided would fit the costume the best. The last step before you would be ready to head down was to put on the angel wings you had laying over a chair.
Your mother had thought that an angel costume would allure possible suitors to you and wanting to please her you agreed. But in the back of your head all you could think about is what John would think…
Shaking your head lightly, you force yourself to forget that thought and focus back onto the tasks at hand.
You feel a light tap on your shoulder, letting you know that they have finished their tasks. You look up into the mirror, staring at yourself and admiring how beautiful you look.
Tonight will be a good night. It is something you tell yourself often to steel your nerves of what awaits.
Knocking at your bedroom door pulls your eyes away from your reflection and you see your mother standing in the doorway.
Violet Bridgerton’s face is one of awe as she looks at you, “Oh my dear… you look lovely. Are you ready to come down?”
Glancing down at your hands, you nod your head back towards your mother. You walk over towards the wings and begin slipping them on. Violet comes up behind you and takes the other strap in her hand to assist you into it.
You look at her and smile as a thanks, finally being able to feel a sense of calming. You see her hand reach out and she grabs your mask, sparkly and white as well and she hands it off to you.
“We best not keep them waiting,” you say as you slip the tight mask onto your face and head for the door.
The room is bustling with the noise of the ton talking and dancing. The music is loud and fast, made for a quick waltz. You can feel the lights reflecting off the diamonds of your mask as you stand in a small corner, not necessarily hiding away… at least that is what you tell your mother.
Out of the corner of your eye, you can see Eloise standing with a few other girls of the ton, talking and having small drinks.
You start to look around the room, admiring all the flowers that are hanging down from the ceiling– you couldn't hear the faint footsteps that approached you.
“Excuse me miss.” The voice was deep and nasally.
You glance up and recognize Lord Napier. He was a dull man but from what you have heard recently, has been looking to marry.
“Sir, how are you?” It was simple and an opening for a conversation even if you didn’t necessarily want one, especially with him.
“I have been well this evening, but it seems you have been left to your own devices which will simply not do.” He said it with such nonchalance, you almost missed what he said as a whole.
Was he simply saying you just shouldn’t be on your own or was he alluding to something more? You felt confused and a little put off by his statement, “I am sorry, but I seem to be misunderstanding what you mean…”
He clears his throat and pulls at his cravat before continuing, “I just meant that a woman should not be standing around doing nothing. It is improper and you should be having fun on the dance floor, would you like to dance?”
He extends his hand outwards towards you, waiting for yours to join his. You take a step back and look back into his eyes as you say, “My Lord, I think if I wanted to be out on the dance floor I would be out there by now. I was just having some rest time on the side and was trying to find someone, so if you’d excuse me I will be on my way now.”
You go to take a step around him when you feel his hand curl around your arm keeping you in place.
“For someone dressed as an angel, you are acting rather devilish. Perhaps we should take this conversation elsewhere?” Lord Napier is smiling a gross smile as says the words.
You feel disgust fill up your body at his insinuation and try to pull your arm away but his grip is too strong.
“My lord, if you could please unhand me.” Your voice is shaky no matter how much you try to steel it. Trying to pull once more, he pulls you closer towards him and his other hand grabs your other arm.
“Oh come on, don’t be like that. It was just a little joke, no need to make a scene.”
“I am not trying to make a scene, I am just asking that you let me walk away and we can pretend this did not happen.”
His eyes are dark when you look up and you feel a sense of dread start to fill up your body and a light sheen of tears start to pull at your eyeline. You begin to slightly panic before a third voice is heard talking.
“My lord, I believe the lady has asked you to remove your hands from her.”
John. It was John’s voice.
Lord Napier quickly looks up and sees John standing close by in his work attire. His grip tightens on your arm, “You are just a lowly footman. Mind your own business if you want to keep your job.”
John lightly scoffs at the man and takes another step closer to where you two stand.
“I am confident I will keep my job, now My Lord please release Miss Bridgerton or you will have to be removed from the premises and I think you would not like to be dragged out in front of the ton.” John’s tone is firm and sure in what he is saying.
The grip on your arm loosens, “Miss Bridgerton…”
Lord Napier looks down at you and immediately drops his hands and backs up.
“I apologize, Miss Bridgerton. I did not mean anything untowardly. I shall take my leave now.” He walks backwards for a moment and then fully turns away – heading for the door.
You release a deep breath you hadn’t realized you were holding and in a panic head towards the stairs. You feel like you can not breathe after everything that has occurred. You push the doors open to an empty balcony and grip onto the railing.
You had been so focused on escaping, you hadn’t noticed the rush of footsteps that trailed behind you.
“Miss Bridgerton… are you okay?” John’s voice carries through the stillness of air that hangs outside.
You want to speak and tell him you are fine, but a sob tears through your body before you can stop it. Your knees begin to weaken but you are caught by warm and strong arms before you can reach the ground.
“John… I can’t…”
“I know… just breath, darling”
You feel his hand brush your hair from your face and he removes your mask. Looking up, you meet his eyes and see the worry and hurt in them. You can feel your lungs begin to open more and more, releasing you from the suffocating feeling you had felt only moments ago.
You feel the weight lifting from your chest the longer you look at him and the closer you two get. John’s eyes shift from your eyes to roam over the rest of your face, looking for something– something you are trying to understand.
Silence takes over once again, you can feel the colder air brush against your arms and hear the leaves rustle from below. The air around you two feels electric in the silence.
Before either of you can notice, you begin to be pulled closer and closer to one another. The pull is invisible, but neither of you can stop it… neither of you want to stop it.
You can hear his breaths coming out airy and his lips brush lightly against yours, before you can doubt yourself, you move forward and meet his. The kiss is light, unrushed, and new.
John tightens his hold on you and the kiss quickly becomes more confident, but before either of you can deepen it he quickly pulls away and lets go of you. He glances down to the ground, “I am so sorry, Miss Brudgerton. That was inappropriate of me…” John begins to walk backwards more and turns to leave.
Before he can get further, you reach out to grab his hand and say, “Do not leave me. Please… please, do not go.”
John stops in his steps and glances up to the sky, “Miss Bridgerton… we can’t…no matter how much I want it…” His voice trails off and his voice breaks towards the end. Breathing ragged, he says “I am so in love with you and it pains my very soul that you are out of reach for me.”
You can feel your heart ache in your chest at his words, “I do not care, I want you… more than I have ever wanted anything else. I would give up everything just to have you so please… please do not walk away.” You can hear the desperation in your voice and feel the hot tears begin to well up in your eyes.
John turns back towards you and you can see his eyes shine with unshed tears, his mouth opening and closing.
“I can not be selfish and have you. You can not lose your status in this world for someone like me… someone– someone below you. I will not allow myself to be that selfish.”
With a final glance towards you, he turns back towards the door and grips the handle. You feel your breath leaving you in harsh shudders– hoping and praying to anything that will listen that he turns back towards you.
The harsh wind from the door opening catches your attention and you watch as he walks back through the doorway and down the hall. Staring down the hall, you feel your knees shake as sobs wrack your form.
You don’t know how much time has passed before the doors are swung open again and you see your older brother Benedict standing in the doorway. He looks disheveled and his eyes look crazily around before landing on you.
He is quick to reach your side and his worry is evident.
“What happened? What’s wrong? Did someone hurt you” His questions come out rushed and he continues to look around, searching for who is at fault.
Shaking your head, you strengthen your knees and begin to stand up.
“No, no one hurt me. I just needed a moment to myself… I actually think I am going to retire to bed early now.” Your voice is strained from crying and your face hot.
You can see in Benedict's eyes he doesn’t believe you but he doesn’t push either, allowing you to begin your walk back up to your room for the night.
Once back in your room, you close the door and slide your back against the hard wood and meet the floor.
Why… Why did you allow yourself to be pulled into a person you know you can’t have? You have never wanted anyone as much as you wanted him, but maybe it is for the best you let him go… or not.
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