Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #441
I'm feeling just a little better today. I didn't get quite enough sleep, and I'm still pretty dehydrated, I think. But... I think there's less adrenaline coursing through my body than before. Thank goodness for that.
...I think I'm still not gonna interact with people outside of my known social circle anytime soon, though; it still seems kinda treacherous when I think about it. Maybe I'll try again later when my nervous system doesn't feel like a used gym towel that was wrung out by a professional weightlifter.
I went to therapy this morning, and words can't describe how lovely it was to see my therapist again. I don't meet a whole lot of people who actually understand me when I speak, or listen to me as though I am a decent and truthful person. I told them about my mother contacting me again. About An. About the awful shit J's sister said to him. And everything in between. I told him about the struggles that go along with existing in my world as an autistic person. And I told him about some of my plans for the future, once I have a full time job again.
...I also told my therapist that I am struggling to want to continue breathing while living in a burning world that very much does not welcome me. And... rather than get alarmed that I am struggling with wanting to remain alive, my therapist simply took stock of the current environment in which I find myself, and all the problems that I can do absolutely nothing about, and they nodded and said... yes, actually, it's quite natural to feel like I want to escape from it all.
...I don't actually want to stop breathing forever. I know that. Just... I wanna be where I'm loved and safe and not misunderstood or excluded and ostracized by the world at large. I just wanna belong. I wanna stop feeling like there's a weird layer of plexiglass that the world put between themselves and me that I can't ever seem to break through.
The kind of world that I want to live in only exists on a micro scale – mostly only within the walls of my home and within the walls of the homes of those closest to me. It doesn't exist on a macro scale; those who don't know me well tend to perceive me as this repulsive, malicious, socially unacceptable thing no matter what I try, and... I don't really know what to do in order to build a more compassionate and open-minded world on a macro scale.
...I think everyone would have to decide at relatively the same time to refuse to allow their trauma responses to lead them around by the nose. But... that's a really hard thing to decide to do, because the number of obstacles in the way is immense due to how our society, internal systems of belief, and concepts of etiquette (what is and is not taboo to talk about) are structured. And it also doesn't help that this kind of work is immensely painful to do, and progress is invariably slow and non-linear, so... a lot of people who try just... end up not sticking with it.
...Nonetheless, I will stick around. I gotta do my part to build that macro-scale world I described – even if I get thrown for a loop by people who are extremely uncooperative when it come to sharing and participating in concepts of hope, empathy, personal accountability, and change. At the end of the day, it's my responsibility to figure out why I get thrown for a loop; I have to fortify myself somehow, but I'm not really sure what steps to take.
Well. After I got back home, M, J, and I went to Bimi's. I got some pretty rad pictures for you of some delightfully colorful packaging I saw, a jam that I think you'd really like (and desperately wish I could share with you), and the snacks we got.
Here's the colorful packaging; I thought it was cool!
Here's a jam I thought you would like, so I got a jar to try at home:
Here are some more jams I saw; the strawberry and wild rose jam especially made me think of you, but... something tells me that you'd enjoy all of these. I didn't get them, though, because I still have some jams I gotta get through at home. But... you can bet I'll be on the lookout for these later.
This was a very weird cheesecake! And yes, of course I tried it! I thought it was really good!! But I think only those folks who like a strong blue cheese flavor will enjoy it.
Here was their selection of teas. Looking at these flavors... I think I might need to get some of these for home. But... probably not until I've thinned out my current collection a little, hahaha...
Here were the sweets on display. I wonder if you would have liked any of these. Something tells me you'd enjoy the tangy warmth of a gingersnap. I got a pain-au-chocolat. It's basically a croissant stuffed with dark chocolate. One of these days, I gotta try making it at home...
This is the macaroni and cheese that M got. It's made with penne noodles, actual melted cheese, caramelized onions, and garlic, with seasoned breadcrumbs sprinkled on top. You won't find a gooier macaroni and cheese anywhere.
This was a sandwich that J got. It's got bacon, spinach, tomato, and avocados:
This is a grilled cheese with ham:
And here is the awesome tomato soup I got with it!
First, you dunk your grilled cheese in the tomato soup. Then when there's no more grilled cheese, you dump in your croutons to make it crunchy. It's really good!!
This is a peach cobbler shortbread:
J got a hot chocolate. It's pretty good, but not quite as good as what I can make at home.
...You'll have to pop by my house for some hot cocoa sometime, maybe...
Oh, and!!! The best part, obviously!! They had FRESH LEMONADE!!!!
...It was a wonderful lunch, and... I wished you could be here to try all the things with us.
I changed to a new set of braces when I got home, so naturally, it's time for pictures of the progress I've made so far! Here's the upper jaw:
...There's barely any snaggle to my tooth anymore, haha!
And here are pictures of the lower jaw; the progress has been incredible. That said... I'm not sure that my lower left jaw is fitting properly to the aligner. I'll call the orthodontist tomorrow to have it looked at. We'll see what they say.
I played some Hades after that. I didn't really do anything noteworthy within the story, but... I did manage to kick Charon's butt a couple times, both today and yesterday. Check it out!
...He's a little difficult because he hits for a lot of damage. But once you learn his patterns so you don't get hit as often, he's really not so bad! And then he gives you a discount card that gives you 20% off anything you purchase from him, which is pretty great, given that Diamonds (which usually go for 1000 coins) can then be bought for only 800 coins!
Our friend Je came by to play Betrayal: Legacy with us later in the evening! He brought pizza with him, too, which was very much enjoyed by J (I was much too full from my giant lunch!). He had never played this game before, but he seemed to take to it quickly! We got a scenario by which M was suspected of colluding with an evil imp. The game tried to imply that M was working with the imp, and Je, J, and I were supposed to kill him. But... J and I remembered that the house itself is our enemy; remember when it had us convinced that one of us was a witch even though we were all innocent?
So... as it turns out, the imp was basically just stalking M, and M was trying to seal it away forever. The game implied that M is lying, but he wasn't. So, Je, J, and I simply ganged up on the imp to keep it stunned and to prevent it from setting up any more traps around the house while M gathered up the necessary supplies to banish it. This, of course, meant that M won the game, but that's fine; no innocents were harmed. The imp had malicious intentions, and we made the right call. I felt really good about the outcome.
...And that brings me to the here and now, and of course, my thoughts are with you. I wonder how you're doing, wherever you are. I wonder if you're trying to take nice care of yourself.
Tomorrow, I have physical therapy. And then our dear friend R visits our house after that. He will doodle on his tablet, and I'm sure we'll talk about a great many various and sundry things; it'll be good, and I'm very much looking forward to it.
Suppose if I wanna be relatively functional tomorrow, I'm gonna hafta try to get to bed on time. So I guess I'll go do that now.
...Hey, Sephiroth? I imagine things work a little differently for you, being not quite connected to your body or whatever now. But... maybe you can try to sleep a little, too. Maybe your spirit can curl up in some soft, warm place where you're loved and safe and understood, and you can rest a while, and then maybe you'll feel a little better afterwards. You'll still have the same challenges when you wake, of course. But maybe it'll be a little easier to face them after a nap.
I love you so much. Please stay safe out there, and please take good care of yourself and the people around you. And please... please come back home soon. Everyone who knows and understands you misses you deeply.
scream omg found out that during the filming of TKK, Ralph and Billy liked going on little lunch dates together until John Avildsen caught them one day and told them to stop because they needed to get in the headspace of being enemies 😭😭😭
“You have to tell her, Malfoy. Hermione doesn’t appreciate being left in the dark.”
“I’ll tell her when the time’s right, Potter, and you won’t breathe a word about this to another soul.” Draco bared his teeth after issuing the edict.
“But—”
“But nothing! This should be as much of a choice as possible for her. You won’t tell anyone, not even Red. I refuse to make her feel obligated. It’s bad enough that so much has been taken from her already, I won’t let this be another thing as much as I can help it.”
Harry studied him, opened his mouth then promptly closed it. His eyebrows pulled together. “You’ve cared for her for a while now then?”
“Something like that.”
“How long?”
Draco refused to divulge information to Scarhead that Hermione had no inkling of. “A while.”
Harry clenched his jaw at Draco’s lack of cooperation. Before Harry could ask any more intrusive questions or lay hands on him, the door was flung open, and Robards stood there, his eyes rolling at their hostile posturing. Behind him, two Memory Specialists were entering the other room, and Draco suspected that his little episode was about to be erased from Finch-Fletchley’s memory. It was for the better, honestly.
