IHSTFA River Scene
When Kravitz comes home, he thinks the wine is blood at first, the years he spent talking of this murder and that and this domestic violence case and that – and so he sees the red on the wall and on the couch and the floor and his heart stops for a solid ten seconds as he wonders what on Earth he’s going to do without Taako.
And then he looks a little harder, and sees that it’s not blood, but wine, and before he can even breathe a sigh of relief, a shape appears at the top of the stairs and something about the movement catches his eye.
It’s Lup. But Lup like he’s never seen her in all the time he’s known her. Lup with her face splotchy and hair wild, looking like a woman possessed, and she looks right at him, which she never does except in stolen glances and glares from across the room when she thinks Taako can’t see.
She looks right into his eyes, and holds his gaze, and the look that crosses her face is disappointment, sharp and so painful, and Kravitz doesn’t understand why, and then she’s thundering down the stairs toward him.
“Kravitz,” she gasps, and Kravitz can’t remember the last time she even acknowledged him like this, and hell, he isn’t even sure if she’s ever said his name before this. “Kravitz,” she grabs the lapels of his suit, hauls him close to her. She’s so like Taako, this close. And so much not.
“Please, please, Kravitz, you need to find Taako,” she gasps, and her grip is so strong. “Please,” she says, and tears are spilling from her eyes, and Kravitz doesn’t know when Barry got there, but he’s trying to pull her off of him. “Please, can you go out and look for him, he – he’ll listen to you, and he’s not answering my calls and I said such horrible things to him and you have to tell him I’m sorr - I’m so sorry. I don’t know where he’s been since this morning – please, Kravitz, please. I can’t lose him again and he just walked out the door and hasn’t been back -”
What can Kravitz do?
“Okay,” he says, grabbing Lup’s wrists, not hard but firm, and holding her still, talking in his best calming voice, the way he talks to the hysterical clients every once in a while, “okay, Lup. Slow down. Taako’s missing?”
She visibly flinches at the word missing, and lets out a horrible little sob, and Kravitz curses his insensitivity, but Lup still nods.
“Okay,” he says, trying to form a plan. It hasn’t even been three minutes since he came in the door. And his house is in complete disarray with broken glass on the floor and wine on the wall, and a woman having a breakdown in his foyer, and this is so much, and where could Taako have gone? Lup must have said something really awful to Taako for him to just… not come home, and Kravitz is more than a little worried. What state is Taako in? What if something happened to him?
“Okay, Lup, look at me,” he says, and she does, such a horrible expression of pain on her face that Kravitz’s heart about comes right out of his throat. “I’m going to go out, and I’m going to find, Taako, okay?” She’s looking a him so intensely, and Kravitz doesn’t think she ever has like this, ever, in the whole year she’s been back. “I’m gonna go get him, and bring him back, okay? And I’ll tell him what you said.”
“Tell him I’m sorry,” Lup sobs, “I’m so sorry –”“I will, Lup,” he says, and releases her wrists, and she grabs his jacket again, clinging.“Thank you, Kravitz,” she sobs, “thank you.”
Barry has to pry her off of him, and Kravitz has to go because it’s nighttime in D.C., and Taako didn’t have a car, but he could’ve gotten a cab or an uber or anything, he could be anywhere, and Kravitz has to find him. Because it isn’t like Taako to just run off, he’s been doing better – he’s not the kind of person who just runs away from his problems anymore. Hasn’t been that person in a long time. And the fact that he has –
Kravitz has to find him.
He slips out the door, barely looking as Lup collapses to the floor, Barry still holding her desperately and trying to calm her, and Kravitz wonders how long he’s been working on that, and secretly, he blesses Barry’s patience.
But the knowledge that Taako’s gone sits heavy in his stomach like a stone as he climbs back into his car, still in work clothes. Taako. Oh, Taako.Kravitz has to admit that he’s been… angry with Lup, since she returned. He tries to push it down, tries not to acknowledge it, but he is. She’s made their lives infinitely harder. And he would never begrudge a person’s mental health… but with Lup…
It’s just that he just doesn’t want Taako to be hurt. And Lup, intentionally or not, has been hurting him, hurting him deep. Causing stress so acute with her spiral that Taako’s been spiraling too. Kravitz himself is barely holding on.
And where does she get away with ruining his home in a fit of passion? The number of times Kravitz wanted to smash something out of frustration is… too many to count. But when has he ever acted on it? Somehow, he’s expected to have more restraint than that.
He could scream.
And yet… Kravitz would never wish her away. He knows how important she is to Taako, knows who she was through Taako’s stories and memories. He can see, once in a blue moon, little glimpses of that person in the Lup of today. But PTSD does a hell of a something to a person.
But for Taako to just run away… what could she have done to prompt such a thing?Taako’s phone doesn’t even ring when Kravitz calls it. Which means it’s either shut off or dead, which is just fucking perfect isn’t it?
He calls Ren, but no one at the restaurant has seen Taako all day. He calls Istus, but she’s heard nothing. He calls Magnus and then Merle, talking to them on the phone as he wanders around the city in his car, first on the streets near their neighborhood and then to the bars he and Taako used to go to, but no one’s seen him, not one of their friends. And no one’s heard anything, not even his mother, who he calls in fit of desperation, and Kravitz shouldn’t have stayed late at the office, if he had come home sooner he would have known sooner and could’ve looked for him before it was the middle of the fucking night, and anything could have happened to Taako, out alone in the city like this. It’s not like he isn’t competent, but Kravitz also knows the kind of things that happen to gay men wandering the streets at night, even though they live in a good neighborhood, and he has to force himself not to think about it and just keep looking.
He’s on hour 3, and he’s been calling Taako, or at least trying to, every 10 minutes or so and has gotten nothing, and he’s just starting to consider calling the police because it’s past 11pm now but Taako’s going to be so mad if he does –
And he rolls by Georgetown Riverside Park.
For some reason, his foot hits the brake, and he stops dead.
Something tells him to park and get out of the car.
He and Taako came here when they first moved in to their house together, a few months before Lup got back into the states. It was just barely spring and he and Taako would bundle up in their coats and walk out to the park, not caring how far it was from the house even though Taako complained the whole time, and then they would just stand and talk and stare at the water and the city across the way. Because Taako liked the water, liked living near it. He liked the way the lights would reflect and the boats that would occasionally go by. He loved the Potomac, loved the South as much as he used to protest it, and Kravitz loved watching Taako in the light of the streetlights and the stars.
The same light falls over the park now, and it’s freezing, and Kravitz pulls his coat around himself, the air slicing through it like it’s made of paper and chilling him to the bone. He tightens his scarf and shoves his hands in his pockets and walks through the park, looking carefully into every shadow, a last resort. Gods, let Taako be here, he prays. It’s been hours. Kravitz is exhausted, bone tired.
But more than that, Kravitz is scared. So scared in the wake of his family falling apart and feeling like he’s the one string holding all of it together, and now it feels like that string is fraying and breaking, and if Kravitz has to call the police and go home empty-handed, or if he has to stay out until morning leaving Lup to truly lose whatever’s left of her mind, or if he has to deal with a phone call tomorrow at 7am telling him Taako’s body washed up on the banks of the river somewhere, then everything will be over.
For the second time in a few hours, Kravitz wonders what he’s going to do without Taako.
His throat is tight and he thinks he might finally cry.
And then.
There. Along the river. In their spot.Taako.He’s long and lithe and so beautiful, and he’s not dressed for the weather at all, no coat, no scarf, nothing. He must be freezing. And he’s just staring at the water, leaning on the fence, unmoving save for his left hand which slowly brings a cigarette to his mouth as he takes a long drag, and then away as he blows out, the smoke mingling with the fog of his breath in the cold air.
Kravitz is so, so unbelievably worried, seeing Taako in the middle of some sort of classical nervous breakdown, and fuck, he’s smoking again, but more than that he is so relieved.
Taako’s not missing. He’s not dead. He’s here, in one piece, maybe not mentally but physically whole, and Kravitz can work with that.He walks up to him slowly, half afraid to call his name and startle him. He just walks up to him and stands next to him, facing him, and Taako’s in profile, looking almost grayscale in the indirect light from the streetlights on the snow, and Kravitz says, soft as he can,
“Taako?”
Taako doesn’t look at him, takes another drag from the cigarette, and Kravitz can see the pack in his pocket. His eyes are unfocused on the water, and he’s still, so still, and Taako’s never still. It scares Kravitz. It’s like it’s not even Taako standing there, just a ghost of Taako, a reflection.
He breathes death in and out, and doesn’t look at Kravitz, and just says,
“I don’t think I can do it anymore, Krav.”
Kravitz’s heart breaks.
“I know, Taako,” he breathes, his chest heavy with it.
“You don’t,” Taako says, bitter, glaring at the cold water, not quite ice, but so close, “you don’t know her like I do – you weren’t – you weren’t there. You can’t see what she’s –” he looks like he can’t go on, just glares at the cigarette in his hand and bites his trembling lip. His hands start to shake.
“You’re right,” Kravitz says, and he has to get this right, in this moment. He has to do this just right, because that’s what he does, he gets things right, and the prospect of losing Taako forever is hanging over his head like a chandelier ready to come crashing down on them both. “I wasn’t there before,” he says, “I didn’t know her when you did.”
“But I know you,” he says, because he thinks in this moment, Taako needs to hear it. That someone in the world knows him, and loves him. That someone cares for him. “I can see what it’s doing to you,” he tells him, because he has to get this right.
“Talk to me, love.”
Taako throws the cigarette to the ground, grinds it out under his heel, and he stares at the water for a long moment, and Kravitz wonders if either of them are breathing, and then Taako puts his head right in his hands, balling his hands into fists in his hair.
“What am I supposed to do?” he whispers, broken.
Kravitz wants to hold him.
“Can I touch you?” he says, and Taako, breath shaky, nods. And Kravitz immediately wraps his arms around him, going so far as to unbutton his coat and pulling Taako back against his chest, trying to lend him some of his warmth. He covers Taako’s hands with his own and holds him. Taako’s so cold. He’s shivering. And Kravitz wants to take all of his pain away, and knows that he can’t, that this collective family breakdown is killing all of them, slowly, as sure as Taako’s cigarettes would, as surely as Lup’s drink. They’re trembling apart, piece by piece, foundations being shaken so the whole building will come crashing down.
“What do I do?” Taako says again, his voice so tired. “What the fuck am I supposed to do?”
“Come home,” Kravitz says, because it’s true. “For tonight, come home. We can figure it out from there.”
“I can’t watch her do this anymore.”
“I know.”
“But I can’t get her to stop.”
“We’ll keep trying,” Kravitz insists, “your sister loves you. We’ll keep trying, and we’ll take it one day at a time. It’ll work out, Taako. I promise.”
“You can’t know that,” Taako says, and he sounds so fucking defeated, that Kravitz turns him right around and cups his face in his hands.
“Listen to me, Taako,” he says, “I do know. I know because I’m not going to fucking let this go on. I don’t care what it takes, I am going to work every day to help her and I don’t care if it takes my entire fucking life, Lup is going to get better. You and me and Barry, we are going to make this work and I don’t give a fuck how hard it supposedly is. I am not giving up on your family.”
“Kravitz,” Taako says, a little fear-colored, a little awed, and then he reaches up and touches Kravitz’s face and Kravitz didn’t realize he was even crying. He didn’t realize that he’s shaking too. “Babe, hey…”
Kravitz draws in a deep breath, and the cold of it burns his lungs.
“You scared the shit out of me,” he says, and then he’s really crying. So much crying tonight. Kravitz thinks if he sees another tear in his lifetime he’ll die.
Taako wipes his tears with his freezing thumbs, switching their places, reaching up to hold Kravitz’s face.
“I’m sorry,” he says, and Kravitz shakes his head to tell him no, it’s ok, because that’s not what tonight was for, he’s here to bring Taako home, not make him guilty – “no, don’t babe. I am sorry. I should’ve called.”
“I called you so many times,” he can’t help the words from spilling out, “I thought something had happened to you – like –” he chokes on the word, can’t bring himself to even speak a hypothetical into existence like that.
“Like you used to see at work all the time, fuck, Krav, no.” Taako says, and Kravitz sobs. “No, no, baby, I’m okay, I’m right here.” He cuddles in close to Kravitz’s chest, and Kravitz puts his arms around him, holding him tight. “I’m here, I’m okay, Krav. I’m sorry I didn’t call you, I – I’m not – I’m not.”
“Don’t fucking do that to me,” Kravitz says, the last of the fear rearing up inside him for one more attack, “don’t you ever do that to me.”
“I won’t, Kravitz,” Taako says, holding his face, bringing him close, “I won’t, I’m sorry. Babe, I’m so sorry.”
Kravitz nods, and hold Taako close, and it’s so cold, fuck, he’s freezing, and Taako must be colder, but it doesn’t reach him, also, in a different way, and Kravitz is wondering if this is what a mental break feels like, and Taako says,
“How is she?” half-grudging, half-worried.
Kravitz gives a little humorless laugh. “Awful,” he admits. “I think maybe she’s been in and out of panic since you left this morning.”
“Shit.”
“It isn’t good, certainly. I wasn’t home for two minutes before she was on me begging me to come get you.”
“Lup talked to you?”
“Extensively. She told me to tell you she’s sorry. She was… hysterical. She’s convinced you hate her.”
“I could never. I mean, I’m pissed, but I’m not – I couldn’t. I thought she knew that.”“I’m not sure she knows much of anything anymore.”
Taako sighs, runs his hands through his hair one more time, and then he turns, resolute.
“Okay.” He says, “Okay, let’s go.” And he begins walking down the sidewalk, back in the direction of their parking lot.
“Taako?” Kravitz says, not wanting to push, but knowing - knowing he has to.
“Yeah?”
Kravitz just holds out his hand. And Taako stares at it, and then Kravitz looks meaningfully to the crushed cigarette at his feet and back at Taako.
“Fuck,” Taako says, “yeah, okay,” and he reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out the pack of cigarettes and crosses the space between them to put it in Kravitz’s hand. Kravitz closes his fingers around it carefully, drops his hand to his side.
And then they go.
He drops the cigarettes in a trash can as they walk by, and he tries to read the energy off of Taako, to know if he’s upset with him. But it doesn’t feel like he is. In fact, as soon as Kravitz’s hand is free, Taako takes it in his own.
They slide into the car, Kravitz turning on the heat full blast, and Taako melts back into his seat and sighs.
“Kravitz?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you.” He says, voice simple, eyes closed. He looks tired. Kravitz knows he is.
“Whatever for?” Kravitz feels his heart bleeding out, maybe a little bit.
“For looking. For coming to get me.”
Kravitz isn’t sure if his heart swells or breaks at that, but he reaches across the car to grab Taako’s hand where it lays on the seat.
“Always, love. Always.” Taako nods, opens his eyes.
“Alright. Let’s go home.”