Currently thinking about MacCready's trauma and fatherhood, probably moreso then is healthy so here have 2k words on RJ, Lucy, and Duncan
content warning: teen pregnancy, death, sickness of a child, suicidal ideation kinda?, depression, trauma, ptsd, nightmares, happy ending
whatever you do don't think about 18 year old RJ, barely a man and yet having been the only adult in his life for years, finding out his girlfriend is pregnant and panicking because he never had parents, how is he supposed to know what to do? Don't think about RJ asking Lucy to marry him with a ring he bought that same day because he was a gentleman even if he was a gun for hire and he was going to marry the mother of his baby. Don't think about RJ crying at the wedding because he was so lonely once he had to leave little lamplight and all the people he knew but now he has a wife and a baby on the way.
Don't think about RJ holding Lucy's hand while she gives birth, trying to be strong but so scared for her and the baby. Don't think about RJ holding his son for the first time, and seeing his son has his wife's beautiful, dark brown eyes. Don't think about RJ staying up all night, watching that baby like a hawk because any cry too loud could be the difference between life or death. Don't think about RJ having to chose between saving his wife from being mauled to death by ferals or saving his son who has her eyes.
Don't think about RJ, alone, still covered in blood, crying into the blanket swaddling Duncan because he just won't stop crying, neither of them can stop crying. Don't think about RJ having to find his way alone with his son, travel and fight and scavenge and barter with his son tied to his chest. Don't think about Duncan starting to grow hair and it's black like Lucy's. Don't think about Duncan laughing for the first time and RJ breaking down crying because Lucy will never hear their son laugh. Don't think about RJ feeling so lost and confused and unsure of himself and his parenting and pulling on his years in little lamplight, how the older kids took care of him and how when he was the older kids he took care of the younger ones.
Don't think about him taking a job as a farmer out of desperation, not havign any farming experience but knowing the offer of caps and shelter in exchange for labor is the difference between his son's life or his son's death. His life and death doesn't matter. Just his son's. Don't think about RJ taking to the farm life like a fish to water, loving the feel of the dirt on his hands and the sun on the back of his neck. Loving eating what he grew, looking out at a flourshing land and knowing that was because of his care. Don't think about Duncan growing on this farm, toddling through corn and chasing the farm dogs through the razorgrain. Don't think about the farmer's children treating Duncan like he's always been part of the family and the farmer never failing to offer the both of them a seat at the dinner table.
Don't think about a trader coming through, and when he leaves he leaves a sickness that takes Duncan nearly overnight. Don't think about a little 5 year old baby crying, just like his daddy is crying, because he can't play with his friends and his tummy hurts too much to eat or drink and he can't even cuddle with his favorite blankets or stuffed bear because every inch of his skin burns with blue blisters.
Don't think about RJ, now barely 22, having to decide between staying with his son or leaving to find the cure. Don't think about RJ tucking his son into bed, kissing him on the forehead, wondering if this would be the last time. Don't think about Duncan waking up and his father is gone and everyone promises he will be back but all he wants is his daddy cause everything hurts. Don't think about RJ making the trek back to the commonwealth, traveling and fighting and scavenging and bartering alone.
Don't think about every lead to a possible cure RJ finds ending in disappointment. Don't think about RJ joining the gunners for the contacts and their reach, hoping to find a cure through them. Don't think about RJ once again having to set aside his morals just to stay alive, cause now his life does matter cause if he doesn't live then neither will his son. Don't think about RJ laying awake late into the night, until the sun starts to turn the horizon a sick green wondering if today the caravan that passes by the farm will arrive with a letter telling him he wasn't there for the death and burial of his son, that his son with Lucy's eyes and hair and his nose and chin died without his father or his mother, in pain and scared. Don't think about RJ having to decide between being a good man and leaving the gunners and abandoning possibly the only people who could help save his son.
Don't think about RJ finding out, the day he was going to leave, that there is a cure. He knows what building it's in, and he even has the codes to the terminals keeping the place locked up. Don't think about RJ leaving first thing in the morning for Med-Tek, excitement and nerves making his hands shake so bad the cherry keeps falling off his cigarette. Don't think about RJ arriving at Med-Tek only to find it overrun by ferals. Don't think about RJ returning to Goodneighbor empty handed and having to face Daisy's hopeful expression. Don't think about RJ crying into Daisy's shoulder while she promises they will get this cure, they will save his boy.
Don't think about every person RJ asks to help him take on Med-Tek refusing him because that's a suicide mission, and everyone knows it, even him. Especially him, who has to remind himself his life is important because if he doesn't live then neither does his son. Don't think about someone finally agreeing to help, only to turn on him halfway to Med-Tek and steal his ammo, caps, and stimpacks, leaving him with a bullet in his right shoulder. Don't think about him not being able to cry even as he digs the bullet out of his own shoulder, alone, and shaking. Don't think about him finally getting back to Goodneighbor only to have to sleep on a mattress in the statehouse attic cause he can't afford the Rexford. Don't think about him waking up stiff and in pain and making himself stand up and go in search of a job because Duncan's sickness doesn't care if he's in pain and maybe he deserves it for being such a shit father.
Don't think about the Sole Survivor showing up in Goodneighbor, with stories of prowess and generosity on their tale. Don't think about RJ knowing it's too good to be true, knowing he doesn't deserve it, knowing he can't trust anyone but himself, especially not with his son who has his wife's eyes that he can't quite picture anymore. Don't think about RJ drinking until he falls asleep, finally many hours before the sky turns a sick green.
Don't think about RJ becoming more and more desperate by the day until finally he cracks and tells the Sole Survivor everything, hoping against all hope that their generosity will extend to him even though they know him, they know he's a shit friend and a shit employee, and now they know he's a shit father and a shit husband too. Don't think about Sole Survivor calling in favors that same night over the radio while RJ listens with bated breath. Don't think about Piper and Valentine and Hancock and Preston all going to Med-Tek, RJ and Sole at the helm of their little battalion. Don't think about Hancock slapping a hand down on RJ's shoulder and telling him they were gonna get this cure and save his boy.
Don't think about RJ finally having the cure in his hand. Don't think about the blur of time between leaving Med-Tek and arriving in Goodneighbor, RJ holding the padded box to his chest like a swaddled baby, his hands eerily still and his mind in a tunnel-vision to a glowing sign and an arrow. Don't think about words failing him as he opens the box to show Daisy. Don't think about her embracing him, and kissing him on the cheek and telling him that he did it, he found the cure, and he's going to save his son. Don't think about RJ sending that cure off with a caravan, and immediately being sick because what if it breaks on the way, what if they loose it, what if raiders get the caravan or yao guai or a deathclaw or ferals.
Don't think about 4 more months of nightmares of his son dying alone and scared. Nightmares of the cure being stolen or the caravan being attacked or ferals tearing Duncan apart. Don't think about every waking moment of those 4 months being about Duncan, making sure everything is perfect for his arrival. Don't think about RJ saving every cap to fill a sanctuary house with furniture and toys and clothing and books, so many books, every book he can get his hands on. Don't think about RJ getting both excited and filled with dread every time he sees a child settler, knowing soon that will be his son. Don't think about RJ picturing his son playing with that child, running free again, smiling and laughing.
Don't think about RJ seeing his son in person again for the first time. Lucy in his eyes and his hair, tears on his cheeks, his skin healthy and tan from the long walk here and not a speck of blue. Don't think about RJ crying into his son's sweater, not caring it smells like sweat and dirt. Don't think about RJ holding his son that night as they fall asleep, tracing the tips of his fingers over the scars the blisters left behind and feeling peace knowing his son is safe and healthy. Don't think about RJ setting aside his gun to feel the dirt in his fingers again.
Don't think about the first time RJ picking up the gun again, for old times sake, because it's been so long since he went on a job with Sole. Don't think about Duncan crying and begging him not to leave. Don't think about him setting aside his gun without hesitation and falling to his knees to let his son cry into his shoulder. Don't think about him comforting his son by kissing the top of his head and pressing his cheek against black hair, just like Lucy's. Don't think about RJ cupping his son's cheeks and looking into Lucy's eyes, Duncan's eyes and promising to never leave him again.
Instead think about Duncan running after Dogmeat. Don't think about Duncan trying to sneak up on RJ while he's on watch, and RJ pretending to be scared. Deacon offering Duncan sneaking lessons, and Curie teaching him to say "s’il vous plaît" every time he wants seconds. Don't think about Marcy being mean to everyone but Duncan. Duncan asking Sole if he can take a turn on watch, and asking RJ to teach him how to pull weeds, cause he wants to be just like his dad.
Think about Duncan growing up into a lean, lanky teenager with equal sarcasm and kindness, willing to deal quips and favors in equal measure. Think about him trying his first beer and spitting it out while all the adults around him laugh. RJ lying next to him on the ground, them both holding their breath as he takes his first shot on a live animal, hitting the Radstag right in the eye. His dad tries to teach him how to skin the Radstag, and then gives up half way because he knows his son would do it if he asked but the silent tears and shaking hands is more than RJ can bear. Think about Duncan being a big brother to any kid younger than him, always teaching them how to do whatever he's doing and showing them cool tricks his dad or his aunt or uncles taught him. Think about Duncan standing up to bullies no matter the size or power over him, never letting a mean slight slide, especially when it's against his loved ones.
Think about Duncan traveling to Goodneighbor for the first time to visit Aunt Daisy. The woman he's been exchanging letters with since he could learn to write, and only seeing once a year when she braves the journey to Sanctuary. Think about him meeting Fahrenheit, and she offers to cut his hair because it's far too long for what's appropriate if you're going to be adventuring in the commonwealth.
Think about Duncan meeting someone who makes his heart beat fast and he's stuttering over his words for the first time since he was a kid and he's blushing like an idiot. Think about Duncan asking his dad for advice on how to 'put the moves on' someone, as Uncle Hancock says, and RJ wasting no time on warning his son to use protection, and to always pull out, and Duncan being disgusted and embarrassed.
Think about RJ ruffling his son's black hair and looking into his son's amber eyes, and seeing the man his son has grown into, and even though he has no memories of her, sees Lucy in him too. In the way he talks, in his bravery and his kindness, in his sense of justice, and how he's quick to learn and quicker to perfect. Think about RJ seeing himself in Duncan too, in his quick wit and his hardworking nature and his adaptability and his curiosity. And RJ finally realizes that maybe if he could raise Duncan, this boy who is just like him but somehow also a good man, then maybe he's not a shit father.