#mail fraud

[pleasant-plant-x]

[retrokid616]

wait are the bells doing mail fraud again!

[sirchubbybunny]

[nativeconservative]

[timmurleyart]

Thank you USPS. You are important. 📧 📪💌💙📩📮📦✉️📭

[inexperiencedexpert]

I love the constant references to mail fraud, the most heinous of crimes.

[snarp]

Dialga is at the post office.

[fake-obituary]

Sheldon Weldon (1944 – 2017)

Wine writer Sheldon Weldon has died of nefarious ankles at the age of 73. He was famous for his witty prose, which effervesced with elements of lyricism and nutmeg, giving way to subtle undertones of bathos and orchard fruits.

 Born in Dripping Plodhampton, Weldon’s upbringing was conventional for the time, with overwhelming aromas of fragrant honeysuckle giving way to the delicate permeation of a fourth-grader’s hamster cage. He left school at 16, and started writing for the local newspaper, the Plodhampton Aggravator.

Beginning with local news reporting, Weldon began reviewing restaurants for the publication when its long-standing food writer Angus Strop was accidentally executed by a Belgian firing squad. Weldon later described the opportunity as “a stroke of luck, with tempting notes of elderflower and a chalky aftertaste.”

 Weldon’s restaurant reviews became more and more popular with the Aggravator’s readership, and in 1965 he was offered a chief writer position at the national wine publication, Vinyard Infiltrator.

 Over the years, Weldon wrote wine reviews for a number of newspapers and magazines, including the Guardian, Glug Glug Spit Fortnightly, Oenalysis, and Grapefelch. His writing style was full-bodied, with hints of sherbet and iodine, like a peaty hospital dessert.

 In 1988, Weldon achieved national notoriety in the UK when, having imbibed slightly more than usual at a gala tasting event, he attempted to decant and drink Princess Michael of Kent. She described the experience as “unpleasant for the most part, but giving way to surprising aspects of licorice and brambles.” Weldon was freed when she declined to press charges.

 Away from the wine world, Weldon had many hobbies, including amateur necromancy and mail fraud. He married his first wife, Blair, in 1965, but they divorced six years later, citing a relationship that was “cold and unfeeling, with a short finish and inexplicably light tannins.”

  Sheldon Weldon, wine writer, born January 21, 1944, died August 21, 2017. The funeral will be on Friday at the car park, BYOB