For @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover cause you’re awesome. Thanks for the inspo post :)
Dean doesn’t know how he ended up getting talked into playing twister. Maybe it was seeing how Jack and Eileen were both laughing so hard they ended up falling on each other. Or when it was Sam’s turn to join with Jack, he was so tall that Jack called him out for cheating. Sam ended up laughing and falling which ended with Jack winning. Maybe it was seeing how happy Cas looked spinning the board and calling out the colors.
He looked so cute and human - because he was - as he doubled over laughing, his feet lifting just a little off the floor when he fell back into the recliner.
So when Jack told him it was his turn Dean didn’t argue but now he wished he did. Because maybe if he fought it a little more or agreed to spin the dumb board instead then he wouldn’t be trying to balance himself in a weird twisted push-up position while Cas’s face was right under his because he was in a weird crab position. Everything was going fine and Dean thought for sure he was going to win until Cas tilted his head just a little and playfully stuck his tongue out at him to get his attention.
Shock to nobody, it worked.
“If I win I get to pick the next movie.” Cas grins at him and then that bastard had the audacity to wink at him.
Gosh, he looked like such a dork doing it too but Dean went blank. There might as well be a dial-up noise coming out of his ears because he couldn’t register what he just saw. His heart pounded against his chest and he could hear himself loudly swallow before he slowly -or quickly, he didn’t know, time didn’t mean shit at that moment - leaned down to kiss Cas.
Kiss is a generous term because Dean never remembered kissing someone like that. Just a soft glide of his lips because he wanted to - no he finally needed to - just know how they felt against his skin.
Then everything went in fast forward and he saw Cas fall, eyes wide before he winced in pain when his head fell on the concrete floor.
“Dean won!” He heard Jack called out but Dean couldn’t take his eyes off of Cas’s shocked expression that stared right back up at him.
“He sure did.” He heard Sam say but his voice started to sound further away and then the slam of the door made both of them blink.
The magic freeze-frame of swimming in blue eyes was gone now when they both scrambled up to sit on either side of the plastic tarp. Dean didn’t turn to look at Cas, he instead grabbed his boots so he could quickly put them on and give himself something to do.
The silence carried on until Dean saw movement from the corner of his eyes. He turned to see Cas get up, rubbing the back of his head, and go to sit back on the recliner. He looked up to meet Dean’s gaze and he should have looked away when green met blue but he couldn’t because Cas looked so… sad.
“I’m sorry.” The words came out automatically and he knew they were the wrong ones before he saw Cas’s gaze turn cold. He looked away from Dean and reached down to put his shoes on. “Cas.”
“I’m fine.” Clearly he wasn’t by that tone.
“You’re mad.” Dean sighed as he finished lacing up his boots and looked back up at Cas who was tying up his laces, something he just learned because apparently on his first trip as a human he would just bundle it up and tuck them inside his shoe.
“You’re a genius.” The ex-angel has become much more sarcastic since becoming human because Dean could hear him roll his eyes now. Then he groaned in frustration while he fumbled with the laces.
Dean crawled over to him and sat at his feet. “Dude, let me help.”
“I’m fine.” Cas doesn’t look at him but the hurt was now starting to come through the anger.
“Stop stealing my line.” Dean pushed Cas’s hands away and slowly started to tie his sneakers. When he was done he tapped the foot away and tapped his knee so Cas can put his other foot on Dean’s knee. He slowly tied the next shoe. “I’m sorry I kissed you.”
“Me too.” Cas quickly said and yeah...Yeah, Dean deserves that. “I’m waiting for you to be comfortable with my feelings for you, Dean, but that… you can’t do that.”
“I know. I know.” Dean finished tying his shoe but didn’t look up from it. “I was being selfish and I wasn’t thinking.”
“Shocker.”
Cas took his foot back and Dean knew that if they don’t talk about it now then they won’t talk about it for weeks or maybe months later. Hell, if things go the way they’re going it could be years. So Dean quickly boxes Cas into the recliner, standing up and placing his hands on either side of the armrest. Cas falls back into the recliner with wide eyes as he searches for something in Dean’s face but doesn’t fight him on it.
“You said you loved me.” Dean starts and Cas’s only response was a silent nod. Looking at him with curious eyes even as his body stiffened up. “And when we got you back I um...I said it back.”
“I know. I was there, Dean.”
Dean ignored him and continued. “I told you I needed time to sort my shit out but honestly I don’t think I’m ever going to do that, Cas.”
“Oh.” Cas looked down and away from Dean. “So there is no reason to hope for us then.”
“That’s not what I’m saying.” Cas looked back up, eyes narrowed in confusion.
“Then what are you-”
“I love you, Cas.” Dean quickly breaths out. His shoulders fall as relief washes over him. “Fuck, I’ve been wanting to say that again so many times.”
“You have?”
“Yeah.” Dean chuckles as he lifts one of his hands to hesitantly brush Cas’s curling hair back and make sure Cas could see him. “I love you. And...and I’m never going to be ready for this but just like everything I’ve done, I’ll figure it out as I go.”
“I’ve never done this before either.” Cas reminded him and then he leaned into Dean’s hand, making Dean suck in a breath by how cute that was.
This is what he was afraid of? Touching Cas without death or danger lingering behind them? This is what he has been praying for and now that he has it...he was afraid?
Dean slowly leaned down and froze when meeting those blue eyes again but Cas nodded once before he closed his eyes. He tilted his head up and stretched his neck to meet the kiss halfway.
Dean printing pictures from his phone while on a Walmart trip. They all went their separate ways so he didn't expect Cas to pop in behind him and say "Oh I like that one of me."
Which was all mostly him. Dean is embarrassed but tries to play it off cool and says "Which one?"
And then they spend the next half hour picking the right pictures.
And then Cas says "May I print some from my phone?"
And Dean shrugs, while really curious on what Cas takes pictures of. “Sure. I'll help you.”
And it's mostly just pictures of Dean eating and sleeping and driving and smiling and Dean is once again embarrassed but Cas isn't.
Of course there are a lot of pictures of Jack and Sam and Eileen and Claire(that mostly she sends him as a check in) and some animals. But Dean really fills it up.
Inspired by the song If the World Was Ending by JP Saxe and Julia Michaels
“Stop telling me that you love me.” Dean sat up from his bed and fought back a full-body shiver. His heart was racing and his breathing quicken but it wasn’t from the intense make-out session with his back-from-the-dead-again-boyfriend.
“But why?” Cas sat up after him and crawled so he could sit right behind Dean but didn’t reach to touch him thankfully.
“Cause it's too much sometimes!” Dean dragged his hands down his face even though he could feel his hands getting clammy.
“I'm sorry that I'm being affectionate towards you but you said…Dean, you said it was fine.”
“Yeah! Well, I just… I didn't think you would say it so much.” He could feel invisible bugs crawl up his arms but Dean didn’t reach to scratch them as his shoulders stiffen.
“I'll stop saying it then.” Cas sounded firm, determined even, but Dean could hear the hurt in that tone.
“No! That's not what I meant.” Dean turned around to look back at him. Meeting those darn baby blue’s that looked at him, searching for understanding that Dean couldn’t give him because even he didn’t understand what he was feeling.
“I don't understand, Dean. Do you or do you not want me to tell you I love you?” Cas reached to touch his face but Dean shivered again as he quickly jumped out of bed.
“Ugh, I need some air.”
Cas takes a firm grasp at Dean’s wrist before he slowly loosens it. His fingers weakly hold him with now human strength. His voice was low, the confusion still there. “Not until we're done talking about this. Dean?”
“We're done!” He heard himself yell. Fuck, his voice sounded so unfamiliar even to him.
Cas dropped his hand as if Dean electrocuted him. He didn’t want to turn around to face those eyes, round and sad, that looked up at him. Dean knew he said the wrong words but he continued to walk away. He grabbed his keys off the desk and slammed the door behind him.
He was walking through the library, his head pounding along with his heart when he felt the keys being yanked from his grasp.
He quickly turned around to face the same hurt confused face that he was trying to escape from. Except that expression has also shifted enough to show that Cas was angry.
“Give me my keys.” Dean takes a step towards him as he sighs but Cas stood his ground as he glared back at him. “Cas.”
“You are not leaving.” He firmly commanded before he dropped the keys in his sweatpants pocket. “We’re going back to your room and we’re gonna talk about this.”
“I’m done talking!”
“I’m not!” Cas yelled back as his fist shook by his thighs. “And I am not letting you walk out on me like this! I’m not - I’m not letting you leave. Don’t.” Cas didn’t bother to hide his tears or wipe them as his shoulders started to hunch again. His strong stance was weakening as his eyes traveled over Dean. “Just don’t - I just got you, Dean.”
Dean couldn’t find the words as he watched Cas’s bare chest rise and fall with a shaky deep breath.
“I’m sorry. I’ll do better. I won’t say it anymore. I’ll do whatever you want, Dean!” Cas focuses his gaze at Dean. Looking through him as if he could see his soul again. “Just don’t go.”
“Hey,” Dean’s own panic started to ease as he crossed the space between them and grabs Cas’s face in between his hands to hold him. Cas didn’t reach for him as he shut his eyes when a broken gasp escaped those soft pink lips. Breaking Dean’s heart more than fear could ever.
“Dean.” His name being said in a quiet desperate whisper finally calmed his own brain down.
Dean fell against Cas to hide his face in familiar warm skin. Feeling Cas finally hold him tight in his arms. Hold him where he belonged and where he wanted to be but fuck it scares him so much.
“I’m sorry.” Dean turned to nuzzle his nose on the crook of Cas’s neck as he talked. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
They made their way back to the room and laid in bed to talk. Talk about their feelings. About the overwhelming sense of panic because they were both so bad and new at this but they can never put their own feelings over the others. Not anymore.
Dean still has the mindset of being poison. While Cas feared being unwanted. They both feared being alone. Being unloved.
They spent all night talking and sharing desperate kisses until they fell asleep in each other’s space. Because the world wasn’t ending anymore but sometimes it felt like it when voices were raised.
I figured it out. Cas became a beefcake because he was slowly becoming human and he still wanted the strength to pick up Dean and pin him against the wall.
Imagine if season 15 had a Cas centric episode though, Gimmie Shelter was great! One of my fav episodes for the Dadstiel alone but imagine a The Man Who Would Be King style. Yeah, we couldn’t get sneaky Cas spying on Dean but we could have gotten narrating. Dean calling and narrating how it was the fourth call that he didn’t pick up from him because he didn’t have any good news to share with him. Then by the fifth call he picks up to get an earful of Dean telling him to pick up his damn phone cause he was worried and just ends up telling him about some dumb thing he saw on youtube.
We could have learned more about how he holds a slither of hope that they will all make it at the end and he wishes to stay with the Winchesters, with Dean.
He can talk about how he has started to leave belongings, stuff he actually owns and can call completely his, in his room in the bunker but his favorite book sits on top of Dean’s night stand because sometimes they need the company. Maybe we see the tape during this scene.
He can talk about his grace fading, something we will never have an answer too and it haunts me, and how he wasn’t so scared of becoming human but of becoming not useful to his family. And them throwing him away again.
We can learn that maybe Eileen knows about the Empty deal too because Cas confides in her. And he needed someone to talk to about it that wasn’t Jack cause Jack worries too much.
“Am I on the right path? Am I not doing enough?” Cas tells himself in the mirror. “Why can’t I just get one thing right? Why can’t I just give him just one more...one more win. Please.”
He’s not praying to anyone. He doesn’t pray anymore but speaking out loud helps him. He doesn’t ask for anybody’s help anymore and only counts on himself to make sure his family is safe. He gets frustrated and punches the mirror. He bleeds for too long and he watches it to see how long it takes his weaken grace to heal him.
Or it could be after the Empty takes him and we get told a story of how he escapes. How he raises an army against the Empty, demons and angels and whatever else is in there. He escapes and Jack finds him on the other side of the portal and asked for his help.
“You know, I’ve been here for a long...for a long time. And I remember many things but all that doesn’t compare to the last 12 years. The things I’ve done. The person I was...I am is because of one man’s stubbornness for free will. One man’s love of the world, humanity...his family. I choose to follow him. To rip out page after page of our story until we get the right ending. The ending he deserves.” It shows us Dean happy and alive while Cas narrates.
“My father was a coward. Chuck left us all to rot but I...along with my siblings, will make sure to do right. Take responsibility for what he left behind. Some angels choose to leave, becoming human to live their days on Earth, while others joined us on rebuilding.” Shows us happy angels living their lives.
“Soon. That would be me,” It goes back to Dean who was in his room and his eyes were closed and his lips were moving. He was praying. “I have someone waiting for me. But right now, we,” Shows him and Jack working on heaven with the rest of the heaven crew. “We have work to do.”
C*W really messed up not having another Cas episode. I’m just saying. The POTENTIAL.
Jack sends mental pictures to his family while he is God.
Claire gets arrested and is too stubborn to call for help so Jack sends Cas a mental picture of the prison.
“Oh, a case?”
Jack sends a picture of Claire sitting in the jail cell.
“Damn it! Okay, we'll go get her. Thank you Jack.”
“What? What's going on? Where’re we going?” Dean looks up at him.
“Jack just told me that Claire has been arrested.”
“What?” Dean looks up at the ceiling as if to let Jack see him better. “Why didn't you tell me, kid?”
Jack sends an image to Dean's mind, it was Jack beating him in mental words with friends. That Dean always writes down and keeps.
“Shit!”
Claire knows it was Jack who called them cause Dean and Cas have been retired for a year now and the whole, “Oh we didn't know you were working this case.” bit doesn't work so well.
In the car Cas turns around to look at Claire
"Say thank you to your brother."
Claire clicks her tongue but closes her eyes to thank Jack. It was warm and she meant it even though she looked annoyed.
Jack responds by making a big rainbow in front of them.
Dean and Claire roll their eyes. Both of them saying, “Show off.”
I’m having a missing Cas meltdown so have this ficlet cause I made it worse for myself. Enjoy.
This. This was enough.
Sitting at his passenger side with the windows rolled down to let the cool night air in and the music lowered so it was nothing more than background sound was enough. Hearing him humming to the music while his fingers tapped at the steering wheel was all he wanted for the rest of his existence. Having him be relaxed, content, and safe is all he can really ask for. Their lives were too difficult and messy to ever be truly happy but at this very moment Cas feels like that was what he was feeling. True happiness.
The man he loves spent all day with him doing mundane chores with a smile on his face. Nudging him every once in a while to grab his attention or pulling on his wrist when he got excited about the smallest things. They walked with shoulders brushing together as per usual while they talked, bickered, and every touch he had to remind himself that he couldn’t have more. His fingers twitched wanting to feel the rough calloused hands but he dug them deeper into his coat pockets instead.
He watched Dean’s profile shine against the moon’s light and felt himself fall deeper in love with the selfless man. Who gives so much love but can never receive some himself because he was so blinded by the self loathing. If the last thing he will do on this Earth is showing Dean Winchester how loved he is then he will truly die happy.
Tag List (sorry not sure if yall wanted to be tagged on my other writing let me know if you don’t):
Final chapter is finally here! The bonus one will be posted hopefully soon but this the ending. Think of it as 15x19 and the next chapter is 15x20 except it doesn’t make you feel stupid. Or I don’t know how you’ll feel about this actually lol
Summary: Dean and Cas finally use their words. And sometimes it's too late. Sometimes it's just the relief of just knowing that makes someone truly happy.
Read on Tumblr: Ch1 link | Ch2 link | Ch3 link | Ch4 link | Ch5 link | Ch 6 link | Ch 7 link
Read on AO3 link (maybe leave a nice little comment?)
Word Count: 2978 More Under The Cut
“Oh,” Sam quickly stands up and nudges Charlie to stand up with him. “Mick! You should come see Charlie’s café!”
Charlie was quick to pick up Sam’s plan - an obvious one - as they both stumbled over each other to push Cas inside the room and pull Mick away. Sam wrapped an arm around Mick’s shoulders, towering over him, while Charlie tugged at his arm.
“Um, I think I’ll just stay with Castiel.” Mick tried to pull away from them but Sam had already pushed him away from the office door.
“Don’t be silly! I have like thee best pies in town!”
Their voices slowly started to get further and further away. Mick trying to politely decline while Sam and Charlie talked his ear off. It would have been funny if Cas wasn’t standing right in front of him practically shaking like a damn leaf. His jaw was clenched as he kept his hands balled up in the dumb ugly trench coat again. He looked cute though. With nice fitting black jeans and a half-tucked in forest green sweater. Matching the fall weather perfectly.
Dean swallowed hard before taking a step towards him. “Are you okay?”
“No.” He answered quickly and firmly. Cas’s eyes were looking at him now. Ice piercing through him and chilling him through his bones. Making him stop where he was standing. Still a few steps away from Cas.
“I’m sorry.” Dean’s voice was low, shaky. “I’m sorry, Cas. I’ll behave!” Dean took another small step towards him. “I’ll do better just don’t-”
Cas looked away from him, shoulder’s stiff as he poked his tongue at his cheek. “I just came to let you know that we’re leaving tonight. We’re going to the airport after this.”
Dean’s breath caught in his throat. This was goodbye. This was another damn goodbye and it felt so familiar, heartbreak and all.
“Don’t.” Dean walked towards Cas but stopped just an arm’s reach away. He hasn’t had enough time with him. And he knows - he fucking knows - that if Cas leaves that he would never see him again. Cas didn’t need money when Mick was perfectly well off. He would live comfortably with his dumb British fiance so there was no need for him to even come back. To come back to Dean.
No. Cas was saying goodbye for the last time.
Cas turned to look him over and his face scrunched up but that stubborn asshole won’t admit to his tears. Instead, he kept looking at Dean with a serious glare.
“I thought I’ll get more time to...to maybe-” Dean continued as his hand reached out to take Cas’s arm but Cas pulled away. And shit. That. That fucking hurt. Dean nodded in understanding as he sucked on his lower lip.
Don’t touch. Got it.
“Mick wants to go home early. He um, he doesn’t like it here.” Cas looks away again, looking down at their feet as his lips scrunched up. Nose wiggling as he let out a sniffle. “So it doesn’t look like we’ll ever come back to visit.”
“Is it,” Dean stuffed his hands in his pocket as he cleared his throat. “Is it cause of me? Did you get in trouble?”
Cas let out a loud hollow laugh and when he looked back at Dean he was smiling. It was so sad and broken before he wiped his tears away. “Of course it’s because of you! You fucking dumbass.”
“Okay, got it.” Dean nodded as he scratched at the back of his head. Should he reach for him again? He wanted to just pull him in for a hug but Cas doesn’t want that. “Maybe I can try to talk to Mick! Tell him that - no?”
Cas was shaking his head as he let out a shaky breath. His shoulders shook and finally, the stiffness was gone. “He doesn’t particularly like you anymore, Dean.”
“Yeah, I don’t really like myself right now either.” Dean shrugged before smiling at Cas. Cas’s shoulders fell as he let a soft chuckle before his face crumbled and he jumped into Dean’s arms.
Cas hugged - no he was gripping him - Dean for dear life. His face tucked into the crook of Dean’s neck as his whole body shook with a soft sob. Dean’s eyes shut as he wrapped his arms around Cas.
It was obvious now that Cas didn’t choose him. He was leaving with Mick and they’re never going to see each other again. Dean can’t even keep him in his life because he lacks basic self-control. All he wants is to hold Cas. To lean into Cas. To take his hand and walk down the sidewalk with him. To kiss him. To love him.
“Stay?” His brittle voice was barely a whisper but he knew Cas heard him as he nuzzled his face deeper into Dean’s skin. The only response was another shaky cry so Dean kept his hold on Cas, fingers gripping at the back of his coat with a hold that started to burn.
“I’ll do better. I promise I’ll do better.” He sounded like he was pleading with him now and Cas pulled away just enough to take Dean’s face in his hands. His thumbs wiped away tears as he looked at him with knitted eyebrows.
“It’s not you, Dean.” Cas reassures him. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said...I promise it’s not you.”
“Then why-?”
“I want to kiss you right now.” Cas smiles, such a sad depressing excuse of a smile. “I want to kiss you more than I have ever wanted to kiss anyone.” Then he shrugs as his thumb traced over Dean’s lower lip. “But I can’t.”
“Why not?” Dean kissed his thumb.
Cas let out a shaky laugh while he rolled his eyes. “You know why.”
“Mick.” Of course. He didn’t even know why he asked such a dumb question when he already-
“No. Well, yes. Him too.”
“What else is there, Cas?”
Cas tilted his head at him and narrowed his eyes at him with that damn look. The one that was asking are-you-really-that-stupid-or-are-you-fucking-with-me? Dean just raised his eyebrows in response. Waiting for Cas to answer.
“Do you really think I’m so fucking stupid, Dean?” Cas pushed away from him and crossed his arms over his chest. His fist digging into his side. “Just because you don’t introduce me to them doesn’t mean I don’t know!”
“Them? What the hell are you talking about, man?”
“I know you’re married, Dean!” Cas ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “God! I feel so gross!” He started to pace the small office as he rambled on in frustration. “I thought because you were married that I could...that we could be friends! But I was dead wrong. Oh fuck I was so fucking wrong!”
Married? Married! Cas thought...Mick has said...shit! Dean can only watch him as he tried to connect wires in his head.
Cas stopped and pointed a finger at him. “You know how guilty I’ve been feeling since I fucking kissed you again? I knew you were married but you were just...fuck I missed you so much! And you were right in front of me again.” He took a deep breath as he shakingly glared harder at Dean. “I love my fiance! I do but fuck - Mick is right, Dean.” He was pacing again, wiping tears as he went. “Mick is so right. We need to leave now before me and you end up fucking up our lives just because we still love each other.”
Those words made Dean blink back at him. He sucked in an audible breath as the realization hit him.
Cas then stopped in front of him with a dramatic eye roll and tilt of the head. “Dean? Are you really just gonna stand there and not say - oof!”
Dean took Cas’s face in his hands and finally kissed him again. He chokes down a cry as he kisses Cas slowly and softly. Feeling Cas melt against him and grip at his sleeves while his breath tickled Dean’s lips.
When he pulled away Cas’s eyes fluttered open as his eyes started to round up and fill with tears.
“You love me?” Dean asked as he pulled Cas close and nuzzled their noses together. Cas nods a few times quickly before chasing after Dean’s lips.
Their lips brushed, delicate, smoothly, as their salty tears mixed in between them. Cas’s finger shakingly pressed against the base of Dean’s jaw to hold him. They kissed once. Twice. Three times. Until they were both left dizzy and breathless while they leaned against each other.
“Say it.” Dean’s voice was small but Cas smiled as he nuzzled their noses together.
“I love you, Dean.” Dean’s heart leaped in his chest and he couldn’t stop to think when he picked Cas up in his arms to sit him down on the open space in the desk. Cas laughed as he wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled him back down for another kiss.
“Your turn,” Cas tells him as he starts to pepper small kisses on the side of Dean’s face. Starting with the small tear on Dean’s lower lip and on his bruised up cheek.
Dean laughs as he nuzzles his face into Cas’s throat, the giggle that Cas let out should be fucking illegal for how cute it fucking was. Kissing him and feeling so damn weightless and happy. He was just given a stupid amount of money but this - Cas in his arms - was the happiest he has felt in so long. He loves him! He loves me!
“I love you, Cas.” Dean pulls back so he can look at him while he says it. “Fuck, I love you so much.”
Cas sucks in a shaky breath as he looks at him and fuck he looked so happy. So damn bright like Dean was handing him the whole fucking moon. Cas leaned forward again but they both froze with lips barely brushing as they heard Cas’s name being called from the garage.
“Shit! Mick.” Cas pushed Dean off as he jumped off the desk and started to straighten up his clothes and smooth down his hair. Dean didn’t even realize he pulled at Cas’s arm until Cas tugged at it, eyes wide and worried. “Dean, please, I gotta go.”
“Don’t. Don’t go, Cas.”
Cas sighed. “Please don’t make this harder than it already is. We both already have-”
“I’m not married, Cas!” That made Cas stop. He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out so Dean continued. Pulling Cas close to him again. Gently cradling his face as he looks back at those wide confused eyes. “I’m not married. I don’t know where you even got that shit from but I’ve never been married. Shit, Cas, I haven’t even had a damn date in a fucking year.”
Cas’s eyes kept flickering on him as if trying to read him. “But I-I...I came back.”
“You what?”
“I came back, Dean.” Cas repeats himself as he puts a hand over Dean’s. “A few months after I left. I couldn’t handle your rejection…But one day I just missed you. I needed to hear your voice so I went through my old phone to listen to your voicemails. I went through your text and then your emails.” Cas leaned forward to press his forehead against Dean’s. “Fuck, I’m so sorry I left you like that. It was a few months after your Mom died and I knew how you would get so I saved up money to come back. To see you. To take care… but I was too late.”
Those few months were all a big blur and Dean pulled back to look at Cas’s tearful expression. “You came back?”
Cas nodded with a broken laugh mixed in with a sob. “Yeah. Dropped out of my first year and everything. Gabriel was pissed.” Cas wiped his tears with his sleeve. “But you were already with someone. I-I saw you with a baby and figured…”
“Dude, that’s not my kid. Lisa and I only dated for a while after Mom died. She was just...she was just there.”
“But Dad said you guys were planning your wedding.” He looked past Dean again, with the faraway look in his eyes. “I had to go back to him because I didn’t have enough money to go home and he told me all about you two. That you were happier than anyone has ever seen you.” Cas then blinked at him again. Focusing on Dean once more as his shoulders stiffened. He poked Dean’s shoulders as he glared at him. “He told me that you said I was dead to you. That you fucking hated me.”
Dean slapped his hand away. “Dude, stop poking me.”
“He said you hated me and wanted me dead, Dean!” Cas’s eyes were shaking now as he glared at him. “Do you hate me?”
“No! Shit, Cas! Course I don’t!” He grabbed Cas’s shoulders. “Is that what you thought this whole time?”
“Dad said-” His voice was low.
“You’re Dad hated your guts, Cas!” He watched Cas’s lost eyes slowly start to click things together. “Why would you believe him?”
“I was surprised when you said you missed me when we saw each other again.” Cas laughed, it was a little manic. “Fuck and then you said you loved me! And - And it was all too much.” Cas meets his eyes again.
“I wasn’t sure if you were messing with me. And I… And I-I-I couldn’t let you have so much control of my heart again. I just couldn’t, Dean.” Cas reaches over and cradles Dean’s face in his hands again. “Losing you - saying goodbye to you - was the hardest thing I ever had to do.”
Dean leans into the touch. “Then stop saying goodbye, Cas.”
“Then what am I supposed to do? I said yes to Mick already, Dean. I’m supposed to get married to him soon.”
“Do you love him?”
Cas nods slowly, a painful smile across his lips before he pressed their foreheads together. “But I love you more. I love you, Dean. It’s so fucking stupid how much I fucking love you.”
Dean took those words in. He swallowed them and tried to understand them before he did something he’ll regret. Cas loved him. He knows that now and he was so damn close. He was in his grasp and Dean knew that if he tilted his head forward and kissed him, that Cas would kiss him back. He knew. But it wasn’t enough.
Dean grabbed Cas’s hand as he pulled them off of him, kissing his palms, before letting them drop and taking a step back.
“I’m sorry, Cas, but I think it’s time for you to choose.” Cas reached for him but then dropped his arms to his side. “I love you and I wanna kiss you but I won’t. Not if you’re already spoken for and I’m just fucking things up for you.”
Cas nodded as he started to nervously play with his engagement ring.
Dean gave Cas his back. Not wanting to see him make the decision. Not wanting to see him walk away.
This is it. Isn't it? After this, he’ll have no choice but to move on. They will finally have closure to their story. It was just the wrong timing. It was just too messy and filled with too much miscommunication to move on from.
Cas already had a life. Had a home. Had someone he loved and loved him back. It was just Dean that couldn’t move on. Couldn’t stop thinking, what if? What if he never agreed on his date with Lisa? What if Dean caught Cas on time the first time he left? What if he pulls Cas into a kiss right now?
Then Dean flinched as he heard the door open.
And there was his answer.
Cas was gone. Once again picking Mick while Dean was left behind. Not good enough to love. To stay for.
He let his head fall into his hands as he took a deep shaky breath. No. He won’t cry. He won’t cry. Fuck. He won’t-
“Dean?”
Dean quickly spun around to face him.
“Um, I had to give the ring back.” Cas motioned as he closed the office door again. “We should probably stay here for a while. Mick is not taking the news so well.”
Dean was in front of him in a few long strides and held Cas from the back of the neck. Looking at him in disbelief. “You didn’t leave.”
Cas smiled back at him as he reached to wipe away tears from Dean’s face. “I didn’t leave.”
“Does that mean-?”
“It was an easy choice.” Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s middle and kissed the corner of his mouth. “I pick you, Dean. Every time. I mean I do feel bad for leaving Mick like that when he just paid for the plane tickets but may-”
Cas didn’t finish his sentence as he sunk against Dean’s lips. A small gasp let Dean finally deepen the kiss between them and he felt like he finally knew what it was like to love someone. What all those cheesy rom-com movies talk about when you kiss the right person. When the right person loves you back.
“I love you.” Dean says as he starts to pepper kisses around Cas’s jaw. Going down his throat until he can nuzzle his nose into the crook of his neck. “Fuck, Cas. I love you so much and I promise. I promise. I’ll make you happy.”
“You already do.” Cas sighed as he held him, his hands going up and down Dean’s back. To reassure him. To tell him that he was right there. Finally staying. Finally choosing him. “I love you.”
And finally loving him.
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