teenage severus snape is your average twink, he’s just skinny and short and boyish and dainty and wispy-haired, and teenage james potter is the absolute opposite, because he’s huge and tall and muscly and brutish and thick-haired, and he obviously simply cannot be gay, in fact, he is so confident in his masculinity that he has to bully the kid who looks like a twink (and is a twink) in order to validate his masculinity because he really is not gay, he’s just a bully, definitely not the homophobic homosexual with debilitating internalised homophobia and extensive hatred towards severus for being attractive, as well as hatred towards himself for even finding severus attractive in the first place and genuinely. he is not gay.
james potter is a man who will trip on thin air and fall up the stairs if you’re walking in front of him, and he never learns his lesson. you don’t have to look to know he’s staring at your ass when you hear a thud behind you and a “sorry, can’t help it”
The corridors of the Hogwarts Express were, as usual, full of elbows and luggage and too many voices packed into a single train’s worth of space. Sirius Black, twelve years old and taller than most of the other second years—though he liked to think he’d hit some insane growth spurt and was surely due to look like a dashing dark prince any day now—shoved his way past a giggling cluster of Hufflepuff girls with a muttered “move,” dragging behind him a small, neatly-dressed figure who was holding tight to his hand.
The younger boy moved like he didn’t even notice the chaos. His dark hair was brushed flat, not a strand out of place, his uniform pristine and properly buttoned to the collar. He wore the exact same sleek black coat as Sirius, lined with silver thread and tailored to look expensive without screaming it. His small fingers were laced in Sirius’s, head tilted curiously as he took in the train for the first time.
Sirius scowled. “I told you not to hold my hand the whole time. People are gonna think you’re a lost toddler.”
Regulus, eleven and half Sirius’s size, blinked up at him. “But I am a lost toddler,” he said in a soft, airy voice. Then, with a faint grin, he added, “Hyung.”
Sirius groaned. “Don’t start. Don’t even start.”
They passed another compartment—some Slytherins, laughing over sweets and shoving at each other. Sirius ignored them. The urge to hex something was building. He hated this part of the trip—hated the crowd, hated the noise, hated the feeling of being neither home nor at school. And this time, of course, he had the added bonus of being saddled with his quiet little brother, who said nothing until he wanted to insult you.
Regulus was humming now. Barely. Just under his breath. Some eerie tune from one of the piano lessons they’d been forced into since age five. It set Sirius’s teeth on edge.
“We’re not sitting with Snivellus,” he muttered. “Or Mulciber. Or any of your future slimy Slytherin cult friends.”
“I didn’t ask to,” Regulus said simply.
“Good.”
They finally reached a compartment where James Potter was pressed up against the glass, wand in hand, trying to levitate an entire Chocolate Frog box into Peter Pettigrew’s open mouth while Remus Lupin rolled his eyes and tried to read a book in the corner.
“Potter!” Sirius kicked the door open with all the flair of someone very ready to be the main character again. “You absolute knob, what are you doing.”
“Practising my aim,” James said proudly. “I got four in already. Wormtail’s gonna be trained like a real pet in no time.”
Peter blinked up from where he was kneeling like a dog, tongue half-out. “Rude.”
Remus didn’t look up. “You’re all idiots.”
“You’re the idiot for sitting with us.”
Remus flipped the page. “Touché.”
“Anyway,” Sirius said, stepping in and dragging Regulus with him. “Move over. I’m not sitting with anyone else.”
James’s eyes flicked to the small boy trailing behind Sirius. “Uh…who’s the child?”
Sirius rolled his eyes. “This is my punishment.”
Regulus stared blankly at them, hands clasped in front of him now like a well-trained Victorian ghost. Sirius sighed.
“This is my brother. Regulus.”
James blinked. “No. No, you’re fucking with me.”
“Language,” Remus muttered automatically.
“I’m not. He’s my brother. He’s starting this year.”
There was a long silence as the three boys took that in.
Peter was the first to recover. “You have a brother?”
“I’ve mentioned him—”
“No, you haven’t.”
“Yes, I have!”
“Never once!”
Sirius scowled. “Whatever. This is him. This is Regulus. Say hi, Reg.”
Regulus’s face twitched into a soft, polite smile as he stepped forward, gave the room a graceful little bow, and said brightly:
“Annyeonghaseyo, je ireumeun Regulus-ah ibnida. Jeo neun dangsindeul-ege mannas-eo gippeoyo.”
The room stared.
James squinted. “Uh.”
Peter’s mouth opened and closed.
Remus slowly lowered his book. “Was that…Korean?”
“Yeah,” Sirius muttered, rubbing his face. “Yeah. He does that.”
“What did he say?” James asked.
Sirius waved a hand. “Don’t worry about it.”
“No, come on, what’d he say?”
“He said he’s happy to meet you,” Sirius said innocently.
Regulus tilted his head, eyes gleaming, and repeated slowly:
“Jeo neun dangsindeul-ui meongcheonghan eolgul-eul boneun geos-eul joh-ahabnida.”
Sirius gave him a withering look. “Don’t push it.”
“What did he say now?” Peter asked, still blinking rapidly.
Sirius crossed his arms. “He said you all have beautiful faces.”
Regulus smiled angelically.
“Oh, that’s sweet,” Mary Macdonald said, suddenly poking her head into the compartment. “I heard voices. And something that sounded very lovely. Who’s the adorable one?”
“Mary,” Sirius groaned. “Not you too.”
“Oh, is this your little brother?” Lily Evans appeared behind her, beaming. “He’s precious. What’s your name, darling?”
“Regulus-ah,” Regulus said, bowing again.
Lily gasped. “He’s so polite. You could learn a thing or two, Sirius.”
Regulus turned to her, smiling wider. “Dangsin-eun chinjeolhaji anh-a.”
Sirius choked.
“What’d he say now?” James demanded, looking wildly between them.
Sirius pretended not to hear.
Gideon and Fabian Prewett stumbled in next, followed by Frank and Alice, and before long the compartment was full of curious Gryffindors all circling around Regulus like he was a rare magical artefact.
“He’s so tiny.”
“Does he understand us?”
“Why’s he dressed like he’s off to a funeral?”
“Because our parents did it,” Sirius muttered. “And yes, he understands you. He just…doesn’t want to talk to you.”
“Does he speak English?” Lily asked gently.
“I do,” Regulus said in perfect Received Pronunciation. Then he turned to Sirius, tugging lightly at his sleeve. “C’mon, femboy.”
The room went still.
Sirius froze. “You wanna repeat that?”
Regulus looked up at him innocently. “I said c’mon, femboy.”
“Oh my God,” Remus said, laughing so hard he nearly dropped his book.
James howled. “He got you.”
“I will hex you,” Sirius told Regulus.
Regulus tilted his head, smiling again. “In Korean?”
Sirius groaned. “If you’re gonna insult me, at least keep it in a language only I understand.”
“Boring,” Regulus said, then turned and walked out of the compartment without another word.
Sirius, grumbling, followed after him.
The Gryffindors watched them go in stunned silence.
“That,” Lily said finally, “was the best thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Did he actually call Sirius a femboy?” James whispered.
“Yes,” said Remus, still wheezing. “Yes, he did.”
Peter blinked. “I think I love him.”
Fabian leaned back. “What if he’s the better Black?”
“Oh, he is,” Mary said. “No question.”
They sat there in collective wonder, while further down the corridor, Sirius caught up to Regulus and hissed, “What the hell was that?!”
“I wanted to leave,” Regulus said simply.
“So you embarrassed me?!”
Regulus blinked up at him. “You did say not to speak Korean. You didn’t say I couldn’t be honest.”
Sirius stared at him.
Regulus smiled again. “Hyung.”
“Don’t. You’re not cute.”
“Everyone thinks I am.”
“Ughhh.”
They continued down the train, hand in hand again—though now Sirius was dragging his feet and groaning and muttering death threats, while Regulus trotted along with the dainty patience of someone who knew he’d already won.
The compartments behind them buzzed with gossip.
And somewhere—far, far away—the Sorting Hat started preparing for the chaos to come.
listen, it’s canon that the Marauders invented “boys will be boys.”
like:
James trying to flirt with Lily constantly, but the moment she’s in a three-foot radius, his brain resets to “quidditch facts and random trivia.” imagine Lily’s face when he blurts out, “did you know a hippogriff’s wingspan is six meters on average?” like…that was supposed to be, “hey, do you want to grab butterbeer with me?”
Sirius has main character syndrome but, unfortunately, so does James, which means there’s an ongoing competition over who the main character actually is. Sirius once convinced James that “real heroes sleep with one eye open,” and James, dead serious, gave himself a black eye trying to test it. Remus had to stop him from giving Sirius a broken nose.
Remus is 100% the “tired single parent” friend, but he’s also the one enabling the absolute worst ideas. “no, Pads, you can’t set the quidditch stands on fire… unless it’s after the match.” Sirius: “that’s the spirit, Moony!” James: “right, I’ll bring the firewhiskey.”
Sirius went through a phase where he’d hide all the mirrors in the common room so people would “rely on their natural beauty, James,” and Remus would have to go around collecting them and putting them back. the whole house thought they had a poltergeist, but it was just Sirius’s weird way of getting James to stop fixing his hair every five minutes.
James and Sirius once convinced the entire Gryffindor house that “Moony has a sixth sense and can smell lies.” Remus played along, and the power got to his head for a bit. cue him walking around giving people advice like a cheap mystic, muttering things like, “the stars tell me you’re going to fail potions unless you stop stealing my chocolate.”
James would absolutely throw himself in front of a curse for Sirius or Remus without a second thought. Sirius would do the same… but with a dramatic speech. Remus would throw himself in front of a curse for them too, but only because “if I have to listen to you two arguing one more time, I’ll hex myself.”
the Marauders: heroes of Hogwarts, masters of chaos, and quite possibly the reason the faculty has a secret support group.
