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What if I fucking traumadumped at a show and said "Sorry I have PTSD, it's hard for me to talk about anything but my trauma. I'm trying to socialize." Would they be as nice to me as many of the autistic people I meet expect me to be to them for only being able to talk about their special interests that I can't fucking connect to at all.
I think our therapist is *finally* beginning to understand how deep my system's conditioning runs. She suggested it as the reason for a problem I was talking about having, and previously she seemed a little hesitant to accept that all of it happened exactly as I said it did, but I think she better understands that none of the stuff I've told her so far is speculative and everything I've told her is an actual memory is as clear a memory as I can possibly get from my childhood.
Like. I finished a rather lengthy request today and I *should* feel accomplished and glad with myself, but I just feel weirdly empty. Knowing that this is the only thing I do to help the people around me or give back to my "community" (put in quotes because the people who benefit from my blog aren't my actual community). Knowing that this is the most meaningful thing I provide to the world anymore and that I maybe never was doing anything more meaningful than this at any point anyway.
I'm worried that my request blogs are the only meaningful things I do anymore, especially outside of the individual level.
Okay so I think I'm going to start making ID packs on here but specifically for myself or members of my system. I want to ease into those, but I want to start by doing them Just because I personally want to at first.
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Like, I don't really know what I'd say about myself if I tried to make a website about myself. Other than my past and "I have a source that's probably obvious but we don't talk about it".
All I know is that I'm one of the main runners of our BAH blog at this point. That's literally all I'm certain about with myself. And that's not really something where any aspects of my own identity or personality shine through at all. That's about taking other people's requests and making something that *they* want and that reflects *them*. Not *me*.
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I basically need to become someone new overnight. I don't have time for the gradual process it'd take for me to develop a new sense of self naturally. Everything is going too slow and not enough is happening at all for that to work.
I feel like, for this to happen, I would have to find something from the outerworld that I could latch onto as much as I would latch onto a source I didn't hate. I have no idea how that could possibly happen.
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I can't sleep because I feel like shit over *still* not having a sense of self outside of my shitty past and my shitty source.
I wish I could just copy the people around me but it's clear I'm a very different breed than the kind of person I tend to be around, both online and offline. I'm not really myself offline, anyway. Meri only exists online and in my system.
I don't know who I am in the innerworld because there's not really anything going on in the innerworld that I can really help with. I don't know who to be other than the person who used to hurt people but doesn't do much of anything anymore.
