really, really weird vent about my kinda recent discovery about myself.
i’m ace/aro (the most accurate term would be fictosexual/romantic). i fucking despise it. I hate it so, so much.
I want so fucking bad to be attracted to people. I’m a hopeless romantic who desperately desires a fairytale, a happily ever after, a wedding, all of that stuff. But I will never, ever have it with a real person. Why? Because I can’t FEEL it. All my previous crushes (as a teen/very early adult, like 18-22) were on people who reminded me of my f/os. I was chasing a fictional character in a real person adn that is so, so fucked up of me. Not only did it hurt them, it hurt me, too. I was chasing something I’d never have, and I was projecting an unrealistic ideal onto the people I dated. It was a total lose/lose.
I guess I’m glad I know that it’s just how I’m wired and can now make the conscious decision to not get into realtionships because I will literally never be happy in one bc I cant feel romantic/sexual towards a real human being, but…it just blows so fucking bad.
I think I’m the only asexual/aromantic person who genuinely doesn’t like it when I’m ‘represented’. I don’t like when characters are aroace bc to me, being aroace is HELL. I don’t want this. I don’t want any of my favs in fictional stories to go through this nightmare of desperately wanting but never having.
I wish I could look at a real, flesh-and-blood guy and feel that deep romantic/sexual desire I feel for my f/os. Instead, in every relationship I’ve been in, I’ve felt like I was masking. At first I’d like him but I’d always just end up liking the guy as a friend, and deciding to break it off. I confuse the platonic feelings I start to get for romantic attraction — or I think “oh wow hes just like my f/o” and then…I realize the former is me just being confused, and the latter is being wildly unfair to him. No real guy should have to live up to my stupid fantasy, especially when even if he did, it might still not be enough for my fucked up brain.
I dont want to be like this. I want to be allosexual and alloromantic. I want a happily ever after for ME, not just my ocs/self inserts. But I can’t see ME, the real me, doing any of that. I can daydream about my fairytale wedding but the groom is faceless and nameless, because the real me doesn’t feel that way for anyone in reality. He’s just some vague concept.
I’ll never know what its like to have sex with someone else and enjoy it. I’m a virgin, and I dont want to have sex with a real person. I think I wouldn’t enjoy it very much, maybe unless he was cosplaying one of my f/os and I was fully in character as my OC, but at that point, its not ME having sex, its my OC. And how dehumanizing would that be for the hypothetical person I wanted to sleep with? “sorry, youre not good enough, go put on the TV-head (my primary f/o is Vox/Vincent Whittman from Hazbin Hotel) and pretend to be someone else.” Even then, I don’t know if I’d like it, if it would trigger some sort of emotional flashback/memory. I tell other people I’m just waiting till marriage but I’m waiting till I magically stop being aroace or something.
Most people realize theyre asexual in their teens and probably go through all this angst then, but no, I only figure this out when I’m 24. And I’m just so, so sad. I wish could experience all the romance I’d dreamt of as a child. All the intimacy I fantasized about (through my fictional characters, of course) as a teenager. The love I want with someone else.
I want my relationships with my f/os to be enough, but I’ll never know what it feels like for him to hold my hand in real time. He’ll never kiss me on my lips or anywhere else. He can’t surprise me with gifts or write me a poem. I’ll never walk down the aisle with him waiting there for me. We’ll never raise children together in the real world. I can daydream, I can wish, but it’ll never happen. In real life, I am a girl alone in her bedroom, surrounded by plushies, trying to surrogate her way into knowing what romance REALLY feels like.
