#rosy talks

[menheryandere]

He doesn't want to see me. He didn't even talk to me today. I think things are going to be over for a while. If I died, he wouldn't notice.

[menheryandere]

I know everyone I love will leave me. Whether they pass on or abandon me. It'll happen eventually, inevitably.

Then after I'm done giving the world what I have to offer

I'll choose to pass on

By then, I won't suffer anymore.

[menheryandere]

I know what kind of person I am in life. I know what it will take for me to die.

I only have purpose because of the people I have in my life.

When I'm done making things I want to make, and when I lose everyone who means something to me

Then I'm okay with dying

I'll do it with my own hands

I'll be at peace.

[menheryandere]

I thought I was getting better but I told too much to a coworker of mine and now my brain won't stop.

I wish I didn't say anything.

[menheryandere]

Adjusting to new meds this week, went on tiktok and diecovered an indie horror series that portrays the impacts of trauma in such a raw form. I also had a mini breakdown and I remembered how I used to feel so much. It's horrible.

It's terrible and exhilarating to be worse. I miss the euphoria of obsession but hate the burning of pain. I felt heaviness in my heart in a way I haven't felt in so long. I missed him so much that it hurt, so much that I cried. I want to feel the burning on my skin but I know it won't really help me.

I can't sleep easily at night. Maybe the darkness never comforted me.

At the end of the day, I'm glad I have my meds, because without them my relationship would be in danger every day and I don't know how I would live with myself when the cycle repeats again.

[menheryandere]

I feel like it's all over for us.

[menheryandere]

I firmly believe that the typical strong, capable women in media are ruining messy women in both media and real life.

I tried getting my bf into Mirai Nikki but he can't stand Yuno Gasai.

I tried watching the first anime I've ever watched anime with him and he said he hates the main character because she doesn't "properly take care of her daughter" because the daughter character cooks and cleans. Mind you, the protagonist still loves her daughter, protects her with all her life, spends time with her as much as she can when she's not on-call. But all of a sudden he hates it when the mother-daughter dynamic isn't normal in an anime that isn't realistic whatsoever.

What's heartbreaking to me is that these are my favorite characters. I deeply resonate with messy women because they aren't perfect, and their flaws aren't just "I'm insecure but I can get through it with the power of friendship!"

SPOILERS AHEAD

They are so flawed. One relies on the presence of another person because she finally sees herself with a future with someone she's finally connected with. The other not only was an orphan during childhood but suffered from Retrograde Amnesia and believed the girl she was raising for 6 years was actually hers. Despite being unable to settle down in a single home and cook for her daughter, she still kept her company, kept her fed, and has an otherwise great relationship with her!!! It may not be "realistic" but I believe it's very compelling. (though I will admit I am biased)

And I know I'm probably overreacting, but it makes me feel unseen as unheard. I deeply resonate with Yuno Gasai with finding "the one" that could really get me. I've always liked Masane Amaha, a huge role model for me when I was younger, because of her love, strength, and resilience. You don't need to be 98% mentally healthy or 100% put together to be a loving, caring, resilient person.

I wish I was seen the way I see them. I want to be seen as valid and worthy, warts and all. I don't want to be valid just because I'm capable, or I'm put togethet in the moment. I want to be seen for the mess that I am, that I always have been, and that I always will be, and still be loved wholeheartedly.

WHY DOES NO ONE SEE MY HEART?! WHY CAN'T HE SEE MY HEART?!

[menheryandere]

I want to fucking EXPLODE I do my BEST to love you even when I react negatively!!!! YOU DON'T APPRECIATE WHAT I DO FOR YOU!!!! YOU STILL SAY THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU!!! GOD SOMETIMES YOU MAKE ME SICK!!!