#matchasthoughts

[matchasthoughts]

See you again

CHECK THE TWS IN THE TAGS

I've had a plan

Date

Method

Place

This time I'm sure it will work

It has to

And the date I've planned for

Is today

This is my last day here

It will work

I can feel it

I've been preparing

I've been ready for so long

The grief

The depression

The hurt

Will finally stop

I can't wait to leave all this behind

This won't be like the other times I've tried

Those failed just like everything else in my life

But today

Will be the first time I've ever succeeded at something important

Maybe I'll see all of you in a few decades

Maybe thats not how it works

I don't care

As long as I get to leave

And I will

I'm sure of it

So goodbye

Thanks for the few good times in my life

Maybe I'll see you again

[matchasthoughts]

Helping

I care

Even if I don't know you

I care

Maybe we have never talked

Maybe you are just a box on a screen

But I care about you

And when you hurt

It makes me hurt

I always try to reach out

Ask if you are ok

I hope you will respond

Maybe let me talk to you

Because I want to help

Because i don't want you to hurt

Because I know how it feels

For everything to go wrong

To feel stuck in a hole that you can't climb out of

But you can

And I want to help you do it

Please just let me

I don't want to pressure you

But I want you to be happy

And safe

When you are hurting I get scared

And I always try my hardest to help

But sometimes I feel like whatever I'm doing

Is never enough

But I dont want you to hurt

So if you're ok with it

I want to help you

Please let me try

To help you

[matchasthoughts]

Why is it so hard to be myself?

I mostly know who I am

But I feel like I cannot tell anybody who I am

I don't even feel like I can tell my closest friends

My preferred name or my true pronouns or my real gender

But why?

Maybe because I think they'll make fun of me

Or think I'm only saying it to get attention

Or dislike my name

Or or or...

But for now I am stuck as this person who I don't even know

The person everyone sees me as isn't even me

If I told them what would happen?

Would they accept it and refer to me as me?

Would they pretend to accept it but talk about me behind my back?

Or would they flat out judge me and refuse to treat me like me?

Anything could happen

And I am too scared to experiment with these possibilities

So for now

I cannot be me

I have to be the person everyone has thought I was for so long

To them, I am not me

But they don't even know that

Why is it so hard to be myself?

[matchasthoughts]

New

I have learned so many things

I've made mistakes

And learned from them

I've made decisions

And then changed my mind

My most recent decisions

Have been life changing

I've decided to keep my life

And now I feel like a new person

I have new thoughts and feelings

I have a new mindset

And I'm happy with it

I'm still not perfect

Still not cured from disorders and illnesses

But I know how to control them better

And keep them from controlling me

Now

I am new

[matchasthoughts]

I should prolly tell y’all that I’m alive I forgot to say that sorry

[matchasthoughts]

Weight

An overwhelming pressure

Deep inside of me

A hard weight

Has been dropped in my being

It's too much to handle

I want it to stop

Maybe I will make it stop

I don't know what else to do

I just want the weight to be lifted

[matchasthoughts]

Strokes

I put my bow on my strings

The conductor raises her arms

The sound begins

My wrist flexes back and forth

As I brush the bow across the strings

In gentle strokes

As sound burst from my strings

And fills the stage

With a beautiful melody

Deep cello sounds

Cutting viola sounds

Sharp violin sounds

Melting together into a symphony

Of strings

I feel my heart swell

And my breath deepen

And I know I am where I'm supposed to be

[matchasthoughts]

Mistakes

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I say these words too much

I make so many mistakes

And I think they only affect me

But now I have realized

Not just acknowledged

But truly realized

That my mistakes don't just affect me

They hurt everyone else too

When I hurt myself

Other people hurt too

Now that I really think about this

I'm hurting people

I don't want to hurt people

I don't want someone to feel pain

All because of me

So if I stop making mistakes

I will not be hurting anybody

Not myself

Not people I know

My latest mistake

Was a bad one

And it will not happen again

I'm staying alive for a while

I promise