I'm holding out and I'm holding on

Poetry blog Talks about sensitive topics but I always put triggers in the tags My main blog is @matchalattegreen

[matchasthoughts]

Hi I'm Kal and this is my poetry blog!

This blog is mainly so I can express my feelings through writing and let out all of my emotions. If my blog makes you uncomfortable don't follow it. I do talk about sensitive topics sometimes but I always put trigger/content warnings in the tags

Even though I talk about certain things DOES NOT mean I encourage them. Please stay safe y'all 🙏

Also, if you ever want to talk about anything or you are having a hard time, I'm here for you. You can always reach out to me if you need someone

Please remember that this blogs main purpose it to allow me to let out my feelings, whatever they may be. Please keep your interactions kind and thoughtful. Dni if you are racist, homophobic, transphobic, sexist, or express hate towards any particular group for a stupid reason

You can also check out my main blog @matchalattegreen

[matchasthoughts]

Weight

An overwhelming pressure

Deep inside of me

A hard weight

Has been dropped in my being

It's too much to handle

I want it to stop

Maybe I will make it stop

I don't know what else to do

I just want the weight to be lifted

[matchasthoughts]

Strokes

I put my bow on my strings

The conductor raises her arms

The sound begins

My wrist flexes back and forth

As I brush the bow across the strings

In gentle strokes

As sound burst from my strings

And fills the stage

With a beautiful melody

Deep cello sounds

Cutting viola sounds

Sharp violin sounds

Melting together into a symphony

Of strings

I feel my heart swell

And my breath deepen

And I know I am where I'm supposed to be

[matchasthoughts]

New

I have learned so many things

I've made mistakes

And learned from them

I've made decisions

And then changed my mind

My most recent decisions

Have been life changing

I've decided to keep my life

And now I feel like a new person

I have new thoughts and feelings

I have a new mindset

And I'm happy with it

I'm still not perfect

Still not cured from disorders and illnesses

But I know how to control them better

And keep them from controlling me

Now

I am new

[matchasthoughts]

Mistakes

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I say these words too much

I make so many mistakes

And I think they only affect me

But now I have realized

Not just acknowledged

But truly realized

That my mistakes don't just affect me

They hurt everyone else too

When I hurt myself

Other people hurt too

Now that I really think about this

I'm hurting people

I don't want to hurt people

I don't want someone to feel pain

All because of me

So if I stop making mistakes

I will not be hurting anybody

Not myself

Not people I know

My latest mistake

Was a bad one

And it will not happen again

I'm staying alive for a while

I promise

[matchasthoughts]

Nothing

No heart

No brain

No feeling

That’s how I feel rn

Nothing

Empty

The only thing that brings me feeling

Is pressing a blade to my skin

And swiping until red seeps through

And beads along the cuts

I don’t know how else to feel things

How can you?

When you feel so empty

[matchasthoughts]

I should prolly tell y’all that I’m alive I forgot to say that sorry

[matchasthoughts]

See you again

CHECK THE TWS IN THE TAGS

I've had a plan

Date

Method

Place

This time I'm sure it will work

It has to

And the date I've planned for

Is today

This is my last day here

It will work

I can feel it

I've been preparing

I've been ready for so long

The grief

The depression

The hurt

Will finally stop

I can't wait to leave all this behind

This won't be like the other times I've tried

Those failed just like everything else in my life

But today

Will be the first time I've ever succeeded at something important

Maybe I'll see all of you in a few decades

Maybe thats not how it works

I don't care

As long as I get to leave

And I will

I'm sure of it

So goodbye

Thanks for the few good times in my life

Maybe I'll see you again

[matchasthoughts]

Pain

The pain in my chest is unbearable

Deep sorrow pulses through my blood

I want to curl up in a ball and cry

Until my tears flood the earth and I drown

In a deep pit of emptiness

Knowing that I left nothing behind

Because nothing was ever worth living for

The shattering pain and grief and sorrow

Is stabbing me

And twisting the knife

Then pulling it out and plunging it back in

My hands are tied together with a firm rope

That is impossible to break free from

I can’t do anything to stop it the pain

I just keep wishing for it to go away

I wish it would stop burning me from the inside out

I just want the pain to go away

[matchasthoughts]

it all hurts so much

I want the hurting to stop

it will never stop

[groovyfandomhuman]

The Therapist Friend

Everyone sees the cuts and scars on your wrist,

But they don’t really care,

Now do they?

Because they have their own problems

They need you to fix

And a broken machine

Is useless.

[matchalattegreen]

Unknown

A weight in my stomach

A tingling beneath my skin

A cracking pressure in my head

A deep stabbing in my chest

I feel all of this

I know it's because of my emotions

But I cannot pinpoint

Which emotion

That's how I feel often

Crushing pain

But no idea of the cause

Or what to even call the pain

I just want it to stop

But it would be pretty stupid to end your life

If you don't even know why

Maybe one day I'll be able to pinpoint every single one emotion

Maybe I won't

Not knowing is one of the most difficult things in life

And it can't be stopped

[matchasthoughts]

Posted this to the wrong blog the first time oops

[matchasthoughts]

End

This might be my deepest poem and possibly my last one

Most of my depressive thoughts

Have been very impulsive

But strong enough to lead me to impulsive attempts

This time its different

For several days I have been hurting non-stop

Every day my pain grows

There is not even the most subtle hint of joy

And I know exactly what I want to do

This time it will not be a sudden or impulsive decision

I have it carefully planned

Date

Method

Place

The note I will leave is written

I am throwing or giving away my things because I will not need them

This time its gonna work, I can feel it

I will have no second thoughts

Nobody needs me

I have nothing left to do

So its finally time to stop the pain

Once and for all

Please dont be sad

Because this is exactly what I want

Im happy with my decision

Im finally making the thought

That I've had

And tried to make happen so many times

Come true

This will not be like those other times

When someone took me to get help

Or I didn't even do enough to make a big enough impact

No

This time will work

Ive looked forward to this for so long

And very soon

It will come true

[matchasthoughts]

Pain

Bruises

And cuts

And bumps

Are nothing compared to the pain of my own emotions

I have never felt anything worse than the overwhelming sadness

Or despair or anger

Deep in my chest

Twisting my heart into knots

Sinking me down into a hole with no light

And no way out

An ocean

Of emptiness

And darkness

And I am drowning in it

Unable to breathe

It hurts more than anything I have ever experienced

It makes me want to truly die

I want the pain to stop

If someone asked on a scale of one to ten how much this hurts

That is not a wide enough scale to describe this pain

All I want is to have one day

Without any pain

Because this pain has me on the verge of doing something

That I might end up regretting

That might hurt others around me

But would also take away all of my pain forever

And if I could have anything in the world

It would be to get rid of

This unbearable pain

[matchasthoughts]

Care

Why am I not enough to help everyone?

I can't take care of myself

So I want to at least take care of people who I care about

Why can't I though?

Im trying so hard

But it's never enough

It hurts to know that someone else is hurting

And I can't fix it

I can relate

I know what they're dealing with

But I can't make them feel better

And that hurts me even more

Seeing them hurt and being so useless

Is like a stabbing pain in my chest

I want it to stop

I just want to help them and help them feel better

I wish so desperately that I could do something

Anything

So I try

But I cannot do enough

So now I am not enough for them

Or for myself

Who even needs me anymore?

No one

[matchasthoughts]

Why is it so hard to be myself?

I mostly know who I am

But I feel like I cannot tell anybody who I am

I don't even feel like I can tell my closest friends

My preferred name or my true pronouns or my real gender

But why?

Maybe because I think they'll make fun of me

Or think I'm only saying it to get attention

Or dislike my name

Or or or...

But for now I am stuck as this person who I don't even know

The person everyone sees me as isn't even me

If I told them what would happen?

Would they accept it and refer to me as me?

Would they pretend to accept it but talk about me behind my back?

Or would they flat out judge me and refuse to treat me like me?

Anything could happen

And I am too scared to experiment with these possibilities

So for now

I cannot be me

I have to be the person everyone has thought I was for so long

To them, I am not me

But they don't even know that

Why is it so hard to be myself?

[matchasthoughts]

Fake Joy

In a life where the most familiar feelings are

Numbness

Sadness

Anger

And pain

This new feeling of joy

Which was rare before

Is lighting me up

I feel good

Energized

Maybe even happy

And though I am glad that I feel this

And it is a good feeling

I am still a little disappointed

Because it is not real

It comes from a pill sending chemicals to my brain

Filling in the space that had been empty before

If I really think about it

I'm not actually happy

I've forced myself into happiness

None of this is real

This is fake joy