#medicine.

[ashleymd7]

If you’re humble, self-critical, and show up on time, the sky is the limit on what you’ll achieve.

[medicinewithcoffee]

Struggle:

Verb. To experience difficulty and make a very great effort in order to do something.

Being a medical student has been a struggle for me, every day of every year. It used to be the thing I most craved for, the thing I most loved and wished for. I worked my way to the top, making sure I would reach my dream of being a doctor one day. Despite all the voices around me telling me I couldn’t do it, that I wasn’t smart enough, that it was too hard to get in, I persevered. I looked forward and saw my future right ahead of me and worked to reach it. And I did. Not at first time but I didn’t give up either. I worked harder, forgot what everyone kept saying around me. Ignored the voices in my own head telling me I wouldn’t make it again, that I would fail and be seen as a failure. I pushed forward and the second time I applied, I got in. Not in the university or the city I wanted but I did it.

My whole life changed. In one weekend, my life took a 180º turn and all I had to do was embrace it. I was going to leave my parents house, something I never imagined until I had graduated from university, I left my city along with my friends. I took a step into the unknown and all I had to do was make it my own. It wasn’t easy though. It doesn’t matter what they tell you, it’s never as you expected it. There were days I wanted to quit, days I wanted to say enough and leave. There were days I couldn’t get out of bed, days I couldn’t stop crying. But there were also days, like the first time I got into the OR, that I had never felt more happier of my choice. And yet, in the bad days, it felt like I couldn’t remember the joy of medicine that had made me work so hard for it in the first place.

It’s been 4 years and I still have doubts. I never thought I would be in this place in this time of my life. I thought the hardest part was getting in, not trying to float while at it. A ew months ago, I considered quitting medicine with a certainty that scared me. This was what I wanted, I had never doubted it before, so why was I so unhappy? Why wasn’t I getting the grades I wanted, the grades I had always had before medical school? Why was I comparing myself to everyone when I had never done it before? Why was I thinking about others’ thoughts and opinions in the first place, when I had always made my own path? It was a scary time. And the scariest is that it’s not over yet. Perhaps it never will. Perhaps this is what it takes to be a medical student. The constant struggle to quit and take the easy path or to push forward and follow what you’re meant to become.

I partly blame the pressure I put on myself. Getting in felt like the weigth of the world had left my shoulders. I felt free to make my own destiny, for the first time and instead of embracing it and make the most of it, I let myself go with the flow. I could also blame the education in our system. We’re meant to go straight to university after high school, if you dare to speak of stopping for a year you’re looked at as you’re some kind of weirdness. If you dare to look inside and question yourself, the world still expects you to follow through. High scool, followed by university, followed by a job. Stopping in the middle? Not acceptable. And with all this mentality haunting our minds, I found myself stuck into a vicious cycle of wanting to slow down and having to speed to catch others.

I wanted to do more with my life. I wanted to find new places, to travel, to have fun, to discover new hobbies. I wanted to be a young adult discovering herself and the world but the world was telling me no. There were so many things in life that made me happy but the reality was, I had no time for them. All my time was taken up by classes or studying. From classes from 8am to 8pm to weekends closed at home studying what would never be catched up on, I found myself feeling miserable. Studying medicine wasn’t making me as happy as watching practice medicine. Why they had to be two separate institutions? Aren’t we being trained to become doctors? Then why should we focus so much on little details of anatomy in first year that will be forgotten once we pass the exam instead of having more time spent with actual real patients? Why focus on biochem or biophysics in such detail that not even majors of those subjects go near instead of learning from actual doctors and real clinical cases?

I could go on and still, I wouldn’t get to a final point. This is simply me venting to the void, hoping my words make more sense than my thoughts. The fact is I always prefered writing than talking. Yet, this isn’t helping any more than screaming at the top of my lungs.

[qusbaigsdheishsis]

oHhedigusytusgsygsyaahsudgdusgudgdudbdudndudbidnxuxnshsbuaydusgajshjshsusgajsgsjnshsjahjsnsishaaaaaaaaaaaa.

[smeethblog]

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[genuineconspiracy]